Color Me A Goop Shade Of Shocked: Gwyneth Paltrow Still Controls Everything Chris Martin Does

September 24, 2014 / Posted by:

File this under: “DUH! Of course that hay-haired control freak does!“. Even though human water cracker Gwyneth Paltrow and come-to-life cashmere scarf Chris Martin have been separated for what feels like years now and he’s moved on to shedding a single tear while slow-humping on Katniss Everdeen and she’s moved on to rubbing her bland parts on the Jonathan Cheban-looking dude who created Glee, Grazia UK (via The Daily Mail) says that Gwyneth still has Chris on a tight $900 imported leather leash.

A source (the lead singer of The Nappies) says that Goopy is happy that Chris has found someone to poke with his melancholy penis, but she doesn’t want him to forget about his co-parenting priorities, so she’s drawn up a schedule to make sure Chris spends enough time at Castle Goopskull with her and the gooplets. But how does Chris Martin feel about it? The source says you can call him “Natalie Imbruglia”, because he’s TORN:

They say Chris is ‘torn’ that Gwyneth has this much power over him, even though she was the one who ended their marriage. “Gwyneth still has a lot of control over him, which isn’t exactly desirable to prospective girlfriends,” the source tells the magazine. “The way things are are the moment, no sane person would want to be an accessory to their conscious uncoupling.”

I have no idea what Chris Martin’s Goop-approved schedule is actually like – it could just be like “Saturday, 10:30 – go organic meyer lemon picking with gooplets“. But since everything Gwyneth writes is a hand-dyed linen bag of bullshit, that schedule is most likely the worst. I bet even the gooplets look at it and roll their eyes. “Jesus Christ, mom…2:30-4:45 – watch Gwyneth work out to Tracy Anderson’s Awkward White Girl Hip-Hop Dance DVD? Again?

Jeremy Renner Got Secret Married To His Daughter’s Mom

September 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above wearing a ring on his hitchin’ finger at a screening for his movie Kill The Messenger in DC last night, Grumpy Cat’s human twin Jeremy Renner confirmed to Capitol File Magazine that he’s married to the model and actress type he knocked up a couple of years ago. Cue up the blind items that say that Kelly Preston has proudly welcomed a newest member to the Beard Wife Hall of Fame Club!

During the interview, the reporter from Capitol File probably noticed the ring he’s been wearing and straight up asked his 43-year-old ass if he’s married to his 22-year-old baby mother Sonni Pacheco. Jeremy dribbled out a “yes” and went on to say that he hasn’t come out as a married man, because he cares about the privacy of his wife and their 17-month-old daughter Ava Berlin (who, thanks to that name, is destined to become a gay club cabaret singer in Germany):

I have tried to protect my family’s privacy, my wife’s privacy. I don’t need her to get hammered with my life. Privacy issues are important because I want her to go about her day without being bothered. Yeah… Paps follow me, [and] that’s fine. But it’s annoying being followed when I’m with my family. It’s not just me—everyone [in Hollywood] has to deal with that. I’ve been talked about a whole lot, because the less I put out there, the less people know, and it makes it interesting, I assume.

When he said, “need her to get hammered with,” I expected him to go in a completely different direction than where he went. I think what he means by “protect my family’s privacy” is “Eh, I’ve gotta a movie to sell, so why not drop that little headline maker?”

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Keanu Reeves Found Another Strange Lady In His House And This Time She Was Naked

September 24, 2014 / Posted by:

I like to imagine this is the same face Keanu Reeves made when he found another Keanu-crazy lady in his house. “Duuuuuude, what a total bummer! Not cool!

Literally the day after he was woken up at 4am by a woman in her mid-40s sitting in his library (or as he calls it, the room with books), the come-to-life shaka sign found another unwanted fan in his home. TMZ says that on Tuesday of last week, a woman entered Keanu’s home through an unlocked door and immediately stripped off her clothes and took a shower. Once she was done trying to wash off the crazy, she decided to take a naked swim in his pool. It was at this point that Keanu (who wasn’t at home, probably because he was still at the police station taking care of the first crazy lady situation) received a call from a cleaning crew in his house, informing him that there was a strange lady wandering around naked. The woman apparently entered his home through a gate that was accidentally left open by one of the cleaners.

So Keanu calmly thanked them for calling to let him know his house is now infested with crazy, and he called the police. Once again, the crazy lady skinny dipper was taken away for a psychiatric evaluation. I’m not a doctor, but I’m going to guess she was diagnosed with 90s Hunk Fever.

I knew that Neo still had the skills to drop panties faster than a bus driving with a bomb under it, but DAMN! These women will straight-up home invade a bitch for a taste of Ted Logan’s wyld trouser stallyn! Don’t they realize they don’t need to be so crazy? Keanu is chill as fuck! I bet if you asked nicely, he’d invite you over and teach you some pants-less tai chi. You just have to ask!

Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 24, 2014 / Posted by:

State Senator Jim Ferlo, the Pennsylvania State Senator who came out to the public during a press conference yesterday morning by basically blurting out, “Yeah, I like dick AND?”

During a press conference in Harrisburg about updating the state’s hate crime law to include LGBT citizens, State Senator Ferlo, who’s a co-sponsor of the proposal, took to the mic and spoke for a few minutes before letting everyone who doesn’t know that he’s gay and if you’re not into it, you can get over it. Personally if I was a Pennsylvania lawmaker, I’d come out by sliding down a plastic prop rainbow as Sharon Needles lip-synched “I’m Coming Out” next to me, but Jim Ferlo’s way is the better way. While standing next to openly gay hot woof daddy House Representative Brian Sims, Jim Ferlo said this:

“Since I was a teenager and sexually active, I have only been with women from teenage years to the years of 22, 23, 24. Great relationships, no hard feelings, but I’ve been a practicing homosexual, and I am gay, since at least the age of 24 or 25. I didn’t need a psychiatrist or psychologist. I just decided this was something that is normal for me, comfortable. My mother always used to tell me, she’d be 102 years old now if she was still living, ‘God don’t make no junk.’ It was just something that seemed natural and as many of us in the gay community say, ‘Don’t fight the feeling.’ Well, I’ve never fought the feeling and I’ve had great friendships, relationships. Hundreds of people know I’m gay. I just never made an official declaration. I never felt I had to wear a billboard on my forehead. But I’m gay. Get over it. I love it. It’s a great life.”

Jim Ferlo spit out some “We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it!” shit AND he quoted REO Speedwagon. That is how it’s done.

Pic: Queerty, Story via Towleroad

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Birthday Sluts

September 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Ross Mathews (35)
Ben Platt (21)
Kreayshawn (25)
Grey Damon (27)
Jessica Lucas (29)
Kimberly Nixon (29)
Morgan Hamm (32)
Paul Hamm (32)
Stephanie McMahon (38)
Jackie Sandler (40)
Megan Ward (45)
Robert Irvine (50)
Nia Vardalos (52)
Kevin Sorbo (56)
Gordon Clapp (66)
Lou Dobbs (69)

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Night Crumbs

September 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Douche extraordinaire John Mayer wore this gardening grandma mess at a show in Chicago. To quote Amber from Clueless, “She could be a farmer in those clothes.” – Lainey Gossip

Miss America once hazed sorority pledges by making them craft all night. Taylor Swift just announced that she’s going to stop trying to be a pop star and pledge to that sorority, because that sounds like the type of hazing she can get into – Celebitchy

Cara Delawhatever is wet, naked, sandy and covered in jewels. She’s like that all the time since she’s always on vacation, but this time she did it for work - Drunken Stepfather

A radio host in Phoenix didn’t appreciate Falkor Rimes yodeling  into his ear during a David Gray show – Reality Tea

Ariana Grande Latte: The Menopause Years – The Superficial

Tom Brady Facebook’d his resume for some reason – WWTDD

Ariana Grande’s face says “latte with extra milk” and her stomach says “caramel mocha” – Hollywood Tuna

FYI: Those naked pictures of a dude that obviously isn’t Liam Payne aren’t of Liam Payne – Towleroad

They tell me this is supposed to be Zoe Kravitz, but I keep looking around for little Olivia trailing behind her ass, because that is obviously Denise Huxtable and nobody can tell me otherwise – ICYDK

But did the fake three-tittied Florida flower get her three-tittied breastplate at Boobs4Queens.com? – Jezebel

MiserAlba being miserable while wearing the glasses I bought at the swap meet in the 5th grade – Popoholic

Behold, a list of my new favorite bands. I so want to be president of the Anal Cunt fan club – OMG Blog

Joseph Gordon-Levitt should have a talk with that All About That Bass trick – Pajiba

Hot pieces in cum goggles! – The Berry

And here’s some more pictures that will fuel the tears of the #ROBSTENISUNBROKEN fangirls – Popsugar

Sarah Hyland got a restraining order against the crazy ex-boyfriend who allegedly choked her and threatened to kill her – HuffPo

Baby: Mila Kunis still has one in her body - Just Jared

Jessica Simpson’s piece split his pants on his wedding day – SOW

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Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

September 23, 2014 / Posted by:

This wealthy and famous actor/director/etc. is privately talking about how happy he is that he is going to be a father for the first time. However, the situation is not exactly what it appears to be!

It is true that his girlfriend is pregnant. It is also true that she is carrying his baby. However, it would be more accurate to call her his “girlfriend.” She conceived using his sperm, but they did not have sex. She is basically a combination of beard and surrogate… and is being paid very handsomely to fulfill both roles!

Given how rich, famous and powerful he is, it would be a real coup for the gay community for him to come out. However, a painful childhood causes him to be very secretive about his personal life. For better or worse, do not expect him to come out anytime soon. (Blind Gossip)

This item has 20/20 vision. It’s the opposite of blind. Tyler Perry? A few blogs have said that Tyler Perry supposedly announced that he’s going to be a father at his huge, fancy 45th birthday party over the weekend. Media TakeOut (so swallow this with several grains of salt) says that Tyler didn’t only come out as a future father at his birthday party, he also came flying out of the closet and told all his friends that he’s gay. Whatever the case may be and if this is true, then congratulations to that baby. Yes, that baby will have to suffer a bit by sitting through its daddy’s movies, but it’ll also have OPRAH as an auntie/godmother. And yes, that baby will have to learn how to sleep with its eyes open while Tia Oprah gives one of her life lectures full of sanctimonious words of wisdom, but she’ll probably take it shopping for pony farms and small countries afterward.

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Open Post: Hosted By Iconic Photographs Recreated With John Malkovich As The Subject

September 23, 2014 / Posted by:

No, I didn’t screw up and accidentally upload an outtake from Lindsay Lohan’s blasphemous Marilyn Monroe photo shoot for New York Magazine. John Malkovich looks a zillion times fresher than LiLo and he has more sexiness in his freshly painted exquisite Sharpie brow than she will ever have. Somewhere up in heaven, Marilyn Monroe knocked on Bert Stern’s door and asked him if they can do over her last sitting because she can’t let John Malkovich show her up like this.

Inspired by Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich from Being John Malkovich, photographer Sandro Miller decided to recreate some of history’s most iconic photographs using national treasure John Malkovich. John Malkovich becomes Marilyn Monroe, Alfred Hitchcock, Andy Warhol, John Lennon, Muhammad Ali, Gaultier, Einstein, Jack Nicholson, the Migrant Mother and many more. John Malkovich also stars as twins that are more creepier than The Shining Twins and the Trollsens. That’s saying a lot. Sandro says that he chose 35 works that have inspired him as a photographer and asked John Malkovich to help him recreate them:

“John is the most brilliant, prolific person I know. His genius is unparalleled. I can suggest a mood or an idea and within moments, he literally morphs into the character right in front of my eyes. He is so trusting of my work and our process… I’m truly blessed to have him as my friend and collaborator.”

The Hollywood Reporter says that all the Malkovich-ized photos that Sandro Miller created will show at the Catherine Edelman Gallery in Chicago from November 7, 2014 to January 15, 2015. Click here to see more of them.

If you’re asking yourself, FOR WHY?!!!! The answer is, because if there’s one thing this world is thirsty for, it’s more John Malkovich! And yes, someone will find a way to fap to that picture above and I don’t judge them at all.

Pics: Sandro Miller

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Aaron Carter Says He’ll Finally Shut Up About Hilary Duff

September 23, 2014 / Posted by:

It appears Aaron Carter still has one working braincell in that peroxide-fried Ed Hardy hedgehog head of his (“Damn! I thought I got them all?” – crystal meth). After trying desperately to woo his ex-girlfriend Hilary Duff back into his life on Twitter since January, Aaron Carter has finally taken the hint that Lizzie McGuire wants nothing to do with him or his busted Faces of Florida ass. The Ghost of Justin Bieber Future told Wenn (via E!) that after much thought (read: after Mike Comrie showed up at his studio in the valley with a couple NHL enforcers), he’s decided to cool it with the AXE-Scented Social Media Romeo shit:

“If I’m too open about how I feel then people wanna nag and pick and poke at me. I don’t know Hilary, either. She don’t know me and I don’t know her. I just need to shut up now about it. I think it’s time. She’s got a kid and she’s married and I’m not trying to be that dude. That’s not my intention. Hilary will always hold a very special place in my heart.”

Poor Aaron; he threw Hilary a love party every day for almost a whole year, but she never wanted to come get it. Na na na na, na na na na.

But just because it didn’t work out with Hilary doesn’t mean Nick Jr. should stop trying to pursue all his old girlfriends. For instance, I’m sure Lindsay Lohan would love to rekindle the spray tan-dipped romance they had so many years ago! It has the makings of a classic Hollywood love story! After more than a decade apart, two former tweener messes reunite after flirting online (“Hey sexy, I bored – wan 2 fuck?“) to rub their rash-covered parts on each other in a dirty hotel room and snort anything they can crush up and fit through a straw. Then they’ll hit a rough patch when Aaron catches the Apricot Ashtray trying to steal $20 from his wallet while he’s taking a shit. So romantic! It’s just like The Notebook!

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