Back in July, 29-year-old Playboy Playmate and the owner of veneers the size of a Maine, Dani Mathers earned a place on Satan’s Most Inspiring People of the Year list when she Snapchatted a picture of a naked 70-year-old in the locker room of her gym and sharted out the caption: “If I can’t unsee this then you can’t either.” Well, soon, Dani may not be able to unsee the image of her cellmate going diarrhea on their shared toilet after eating Prison Pad Thai made with Top Ramen, hot sauce and ketchup packets. (Ho, please, like that’s going to happen.) Because Dani was charged with one count of invasion of privacy earlier this month. And yesterday, Dani burped up her plea and that plea was not guilty.
Since AT&T acquired both DIRECTV and Time-Warner, it’s clear that they’re plotting domination in the U.S. and it looks like part of their domination plan includes bringing us, the people, to our knees and subduing our senses. And their new all Taylor Swift channel is going to do just that.
Back in July, Michael K had the unenviable task of breaking some hard news to us: Lifetime kicking us in our nostalgia nads by remaking Beaches. Well, we’re fast approaching the release of Beaches 2.0, so Lifetime released a trailer. Let’s just watch this thing and get it over with.
As you can see, the new version is going to have Idina Menzel in Bette Midler’s spot and Nia Long in Barbara Hershey’s. As you can hear, Idina is going to be caterwauling Bette’s 1988 hit “Wind Beneath My Wings” among other songs, both old and new.
I hopped off the Idina Menzel train head-first back during those unspeakable years when every child alive wanted to sing Frozen songs at me. She’s a great talent and she gave us one of my favorite John Travolta gaffes of all time so I won’t hate too hard. But that voice sends the wrong kind of chills up my spine and this trailer was tough.
Even tougher are the visuals. This trailer looks like an extended ad for a medium-fancy rehab facility that calls itself a “wellness retreat center.” Whatever it is, it’s definitely not the original. Remember how shitty and selfish CC was? And how Hillary would just sit and scowl all aloof in a corner? THAT was drama. This new trailer is just cuts of two women laughing and touching their foreheads together.
Click below if you’ve ever seen two suburban moms catching up at a Cracker Barrel and thought, “I wish this story would come to life.”
2016 has been nothing but a chunky diarrhea tsunami of shitty news, and it really hasn’t let up during the past 24 hours. There was the attack at Ohio State University, the plane crash in Colombia and the massive Tennessee wildfires that have eaten dozens of homes and businesses. And as all of that is going on, the un-drainable thrombosed hemorrhoid that us Americans will soon call our overlord has pretty much suggested that we rip up the Constitution by jailing or revoking the citizenship of anyone who burns the American flag. But back to the threat of another American institution….
Kate Major landed herself in some hot Lohan-scented water (it smells like jail and clipped cigarettes) back in October for pulling her usual stunt: getting sloppy drunk and attacking an authority figure. This time the figure in question was a cop. In The Idiot’s Guide to Fucking Up they call this “El Clasico.”
We should’ve known what we were in for when we first saw Baby New Year 2016. – Sheena
Putin waits with open arms for the results of the re-count. He’s ready and decked out in his candidate’s favorite color! – mento