Tom Brady Has Accepted His Suspension

July 16, 2016 / Posted by:

Somebody find a nanny to console Ben Affleck. Tom Brady has thrown in the jock and finally accepted a four-game suspension from his gig as QB for the New England Patriots. Deflategate is finally over! (We really need a new scandal suffix.)

Brady has been fighting his suspension from the NFL for allegedly deflating footballs during a 2015 conference championship game for over a year. This was serious for Tom Brady! He took it all the way to the Supreme Court! Nobody wants to be seen on Monday Night Football just standing beside the Gatorade cooler on the sidelines with the lower tier coaches in the less-expensive Starter jackets.

The suspension was originally thrown out by an NYC judge, but the NFL appealed and won. Brady made the official announcement to his fans on Facebook (via The Boston Globe):

“It has been a challenging 18 months and I have made the difficult decision to no longer proceed with the legal process,’’ Brady’s post stated. “I’m going to work hard to be the best player I can be for the New England Patriots and I look forward to having the opportunity to return to the field this fall.’’

Tom’s arch-nemesis, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, better watch his ass if he ever has to come to Massachusetts. He better head right to Gillette Stadium. Avoid Boston, Rog! Hell, he should stay out of Cambridge, too. They probably won’t know who he is but just to be safe. Writing about sports is exhausting. If some hot gossip pops up about a celebrity quantum physicist, I’m passing it to Allison.

On a lighter note, you may have read that I’ve been graciously appointed the new weekend guy here at Dlisted. For me, it’s sort of like a thong-clad Joe Manganiello arriving to tell you that you won Powerball. I wouldn’t say I’m “over the moon” or #blessed but it’s in that arena without sounding like an ass.

Pic: Splash

Vince Neil’s Messy Ass Has Been Sued

July 16, 2016 / Posted by:

Remember the time drunk-ass Vince Neil and the amusingly deranged Nicolas Cage were “I love you, man“-ing each other outside of the Aria Hotel in Vegas? If you’ll recall, a woman and her son were delighted to see them and approached the pair for autographs. Allegedly, Vince’s response was to grab her by the hair and violently yank her ass to the ground. Maybe he was embarrassed because he didn’t have a pen?

Kelly Guerrero is the alleged victim and she filed a suit against the Motley Crüe lead singer in federal court in Nevada on Thursday. She’s seeking damages of more than $75,000 and claiming that she was severely injured and in need of psychotherapy after the incident. The Wrap obtained a copy of the suit, and reports that the now assuredly former Motley Crüe fan says that she suffered “back sprain or strain, neck sprain or strain and sacral contusion” as well as a fractured coccyx and “a severe left hip injury.” The suit also claims that when Sailor Ripley released Vince after restraining him for attacking Guerrero, he went after another woman. Victim #2 reportedly ran out of the hotel to escape him. I would have run my ass out of the lobby, too.

There are two factors that no one is considering here. The plaintiff’s suit claims that Vince used her hair as bucking bronco reins after she told Nicolas that her son loved him in Ghost Rider and City of Angels. I’m not saying that bad taste in movies should ever result in violence, but if this were The Purge, the film critic in me would sort of get it. The other factor is the part of the suit where it mentions that CARROT TOP was with them. CARROT TOP. How could you be so angry when accompanied by CARROT TOP’s glazed muscularity and bronze-dipped visage? That should inspire a peaceful serenity in all.

By the way, Carrot Top was with Vince and Nicolas, not the mother and son. I would understand why you might think he was now a civilian. Prop comedy is not what it used to be.

Cleanse your soul’s palate after all this talk of violence with some pics of Carrot Top below. They were taken at the premiere of Criss Angel’s Mindfreak Live! show. Why doesn’t Carrot Top have a live show? With whom do I speak about this?

Pics: Splash and WENN

Drew Barrymore Has Officially Filed For Divorce

July 16, 2016 / Posted by:

Lispy wonder Drew Barrymore pulled the trigger on her divorce. The New York Daily News (via People) reports that the 41-year-old filed in Manhattan Supreme Court yesterday to nix her marriage to “That Guy” (aka art dealer Will Kopelman, 39). The couple got together in 2011, got married in 2012, and have two daughters, Olive, 3, and Frankie, 2.

It’s Drew’s third time visiting the divorce ranch but, in her defense, this one seemed pretty solid. Comparatively, she was married to her first husband for basically an afternoon. Her novelty marriage to Tom Green ended after a year and change, just as his cameo in Charlie’s Angels hit the screen. Oddly (for Hollywood), the proceedings look like they’re going to be drama-free. Drew scrawled “uncontested” in the space that asks “Will you two be gnawing on each other’s jugular veins like creatures that escaped from a secret government laboratory?” on the form.

The couple released a joint statement to People back in April that’s kind of eloquent and makes me sad for them. I know they’re probably sobbing on enormous bags of money, but the ultra-rich have the feelings, too!

Sadly our family is separating legally, although we do not feel this takes away from us being a family,” they said. “Divorce might make one feel like a failure, but eventually you start to find grace in the idea that life goes on.”

Wistful. They also added that their daughters would be their priority for “the rest of their lives.

It’s depressing for us as a people that the general lack of crazy comes off as refreshing. I know, I’m very naive. Next week he’ll be grabbing at that Gertie from E.T. money, and she’ll send her current boyfriend to beat his ass in the driveway as retaliation.

Pic: Wenn

Hot Sluts Of The Day!

July 16, 2016 / Posted by:

The Glamour Gals! 

Kenner was a toy company whose biggest hit was their line of Star Wars action figures that came out in the 70s and 80s. Action figures were their thing, so in the 80s, they decided to compete with Barbie by giving birth to Kevin Hart-sized (aka action figure-sized) dolls that wore stunning fashions, lived luxurious lives and dripped with glamour, while giving the same face (no, really, they all had the same face). Kenner called them the “Glamour Gals Collection” and even though they were the size a Bumblebee Bat’s clit, they exuded four hundred tons of potent and pure glam-oooooor. Each doll had a name and came dressed in an ensemble that was Sheila E.’s classic “The Glamorous Life” in fashion form. Kenner also made accessories for the Glamour Gals including this luxurious ocean liner that took them to exotic locales (read: the kiddie pool in the backyard).

glamourgirlscruiseship2016

Toy stores became much less glamorous sometime in the 80s when Kenner eventually got rid of the Glamour Gals. That was a damn shame for us lovers of glamour. And it was really a damn shame for Tommy Cruise. One of those Glamour Dolls would’ve made the perfect wife for him. They’re empty on the inside, will go wherever he drags them and they’re only a teeny tiny bit taller than him when wearing heels.

And here’s a Glamour Gals commercial, which I thought starred Victoria Principal, from 1981:

Is that offer still valid, because I need Jessie (in fancy formal) in my life!

Pics: Pinterest

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Birthday Sluts

July 16, 2016 / Posted by:

Corey Feldman (45)
Luke Hemmings of 5 Seconds of Summer  (20)
Mark Indelicato (22)
Alexandra Shipp (25)
AnnaLynne McCord (29)
Rosa Salazar (31)
Jesse Jane (36)
Jayma Mays (37)
Jenna Lewis (39)
Chris Pontius (42)
Rain Pryor (47)
Barry Sanders (48)
Will Ferrell (49)
Phoebe Cates (53)
Michael Flatley (58)
Tony Kushner (60)
Ruben Blades (68)
Jimmy Johnson (73)

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Night Crumbs

July 15, 2016 / Posted by:

FYI: For those of you who thought that Donald Trump was more of a “bossy bottom” type, the magnificent and perfect logo for Trump/Pence 2016 lets you know that he thinks he’s a power top who drills the shaft all the way in – Towleroad

Things I need to look into doing this weekend: Changing my name so that my initials are “A.H.” – Lainey Gossip 

DUH. – Celebitchy

Because Anna Wintour has made a secret pact with Satan to destroy American Vogue, Gigi Hadid and her “plotting your demise” brows are on the August cover – Drunken Stepfather

If your company’s entire IT department ran out of work early while covering their crotches, this is why – The Superficial 

The Case of the Alleged Stank Pussy between Joanna Krupa and Brandi Glanville is still going on – Reality Tea 

“She’s got a phone in her hand! Everybody jump overboard!” – Egotastic

Why in the hell is Selena Gomez wearing the necklace from Affair of the Necklace during the damn day? – Popoholic

There are people out there who still want to take selfies with Julianne HoughHollywood Tuna 

Kelly Brook dipped her magnificent chichis into the sea in Italy – IDLYITW

What smoky-eyed, older celebrity dude who might be bi-polar shaved Alia Shawkat’s coochie at a party? The “smoky-eyed” clue made it too easy. It’s obviously Rocket the RaccoonPajiba

Still living the life: Kate Hudson is – The Nip Slip

If Blake NotSoLively’s stylists were going for “garden party dominatrix,” they kind of nailed it – Popsugar

Adriana Lima may be humping on Clint Eastwood’s son – Just Jared

Weekend Programming Note: Our regular weekend fuckery provider Martin is sadly no longer going to provide us with the fuckery on the weekend. I loved everything he did here and will miss him more than the peen bong I broke a few weeks ago. One of my favorite drunk messes and Dlisted’s longtime guest blogger J. Harvey is taking over the weekends from now on. You can drop him a tip here.

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The Naked Rebel Sunbather Of Russia Is June’s Hot Slut Of The Month!

July 15, 2016 / Posted by:

When voting for June’s Hot Slut of the Month opened up earlier this week, I didn’t think that anybody would beat Frog and Toad, but I was every layer of wrong, because a pair of freshly-sunned Russian nalgitas did it. The Naked Rebel Sunbather of Russia is our sixth Hot Slut of the Month of 2016. Those sun-kissed ass cheeks got almost 34% of your votes, beating out Senator Chris Murphy (25%), Frog and Toad (22%) and Margaret “Atta Girl” Foster from 9 to 5 (19%). The Naked Rebel Sunbather of Russia will go on to the Hot Slut of the Year finals next year.

I’ve been checking for an update on our naked Russian hero and have found nothing. Did her prude neighbor bitches ever succeed in their mission to stop her from sunbathing naked out of her window every sunny day by getting her evicted? Or did those prude neighbor bitches finally change their minds and realize that she’s a hero to the people and are campaigning hard to get her to replace Putin? Or has nothing changed and she still can’t be bothered and is feeding her ass with the sun’s rays? Whatever the case may be, keep sunning those nalgas, Russian hero!

And thanks to everyone who voted.

Pic: Oddity Central

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Mess v. Mess: Tara Reid And Jenny McCarthy Got Into It Over Plastic Surgery (And Other Shit)

July 15, 2016 / Posted by:

The SiriusXM offices in NYC had to be evacuated today (no, they didn’t) when the silicone and Botox in both Tara Reid and Jenny McCarthy boiled over and caused toxic fumes to waft off of them as they fought during an interview. We were all given a beautiful gift today when these two messes from the 90s got into a passive aggressive bitch fest. If this fight had a Yelp page, I’d write Yelp and ask them to please add an option for a sixth star, because this deserves it.

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Leonardo DiCatchAHo And His Latest Blond Model Piece Confirm Their Love With A Beach Kiss

July 15, 2016 / Posted by:

The world is crumbling down and there’s uncertainty all around us, but at least some things to stay the same, like Leonardo DiCatchAHo stays putting his mouth on the face of a 20-something blond Victoria’s Secret model.

41-year-old Leonardo and 24-year-old Dutch model Nina Agdal reportedly bumped down-low parts a couple of years ago, but proving that he’s the greatest environmentalist of our time, he recycled by hanging out with her again in May. Since then, they were seen together in Montauk, NY and they vacationed together in the Bahamas. And today The Daily Mail posted EXCLUSIVO pictures of Leo either kissing Nina’s face or giving her CPR after she passed out due to boredom from listening to him talk about his soulmate (Oscar) in detail again while hanging out in Malibu, CA yesterday.

Some source tells E! News that they’re definitely a thing, but Nina’s heart is still raw and fragile from her last break-up and she hopes that Leo won’t hurt her:

“They are dating. She really likes him and hopes she doesn’t get hurt. They have great chemistry and laugh a lot. She just got out of a very serious relationship so she is just trying to not rush into anything to serious this summer but when Nina falls for a guy, she really falls.”

Nina really has nothing to worry about! I’m sure that Leonardo will never do her wrong and they’ll get married, have children and in 40 years, the paparazzi will be taking pictures of him kissing her on the beach in Malibu as their grandchildren play around them. Or as soon as Leonardo sees a wrinkle growing on Nina’s face, he’ll do the gentlemanly thing and give her 1 hour to move her shit out of his house while he calls Victoria’s Secret to tell them to send over a new one. Either or!

Pics: Wenn.com

Gwyneth Paltrow And Chris Martin Are Officially Divorced

July 15, 2016 / Posted by:

It’s time to pop a bottle of sparkling alkalinized nettle essence and celebrate, for the end of an era is upon us. More than two years after they announced they were splitting up in what is now the gold standard for pretentious celebrity separation announcements, and a little over one year since she filed for divorce, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are absolutely, 100% officially uncoupled. People says they came to a settlement agreement back in May, and it was finally entered into a Los Angeles County courthouse yesterday.

According to their divorce settlement, Gwyneth and Chris agreed on sharing custody of their kids and worked out property stuff. Neither Chris nor Gwyneth asked for spousal support, which makes sense, since we all know Gwyneth is a self-made millionaire who doesn’t know what it’s like to take a hand-out.

I do wonder how Gwyenth and Chris will celebrate their divorce. And I’m sure they will. Gwyneth’s whole thing is about how she and Chris are practically The Brady’s long-lost Upper East Side siblings who get along better than most married couples. The celebrated one year of conscious uncoupling with a trip to Mexico. Obviously Goop’s first divorce requires something more significant than a simple trip across the border to prove she’s still the best of besties with her ex. They need a place that even the strongest couples would snap under the pressure. My guess is that she and Chris will fly to Sweden and rent out an entire IKEA store and live there for a week. “Look at us! We haven’t fought once! Can you even – CHRIS, get that disgusting meatball out of my face. You know I’m only drinking canned pear cider and crab paste this week.

Here’s a freshly divorced Gwyneth Paltrow yesterday in Toronto promoting her fancy makeup and beauty line.

Pics: Instagram, Splash

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