Birthday Sluts

April 23, 2016 / Posted by:

John Cena (39)
Gigi Hadid (21)
Caleb Johnson (25)
Dev Patel (26)
Jessica Stam (30)
Taio Cruz (31)
Jaime King (37)
Joanna Krupa (37)
John Oliver (39)
Kal Penn (39)
Barry Watson (42)
Melina Kanakaredes (49)
David Tutera (50)
John Hannah (54)
George Lopez (55)
Valerie Bertinelli (56)
Craig Sheffer (56)
Judy Davis (61)
Michael Moore (62)
Joyce DeWitt (67)
Lee Majors (77)


Night Crumbs

April 22, 2016 / Posted by:

If you’ve been trying to figure out what the formula for “gentility” is, try no more. Mimi has given it to you. The formula is lollipop + Las Vegas cocktail waitress tights + an exposed nipple pad! – Lainey Gossip 

Sheree Whitfield, who has never really finished anything, is going to try to write and finish a book. I’ll believe it when I see it covered in dust on a shelf at Target – Reality Tea 

Margot Robbie’s Dirty Dancing lift gets an F from me – Drunken Stepfather

Let me guess, LeAnn Rimes’ friends are named Captain Obvious, Sergeant Duh and Lieutenant You Don’t Say? – Celebitchy

Ben Affleck and his vape pen: a love story – The Superficial 

2 demure 2 handle – WWTDD

Today in YES: Lisa Marie Presley is coming for those Scientology bitches – Pajiba

I have to disagree with Wolf Blitzer. The Prince song most of know is When Pigeons Cry. Or maybe even Raspberry FedoraSOW

Why in the hell is Kate Bosworth wearing a giant studded black maxi-pad as a top? – Popoholic

This is how Jennifer Hudson and the cast of  The Color Purple on Broadway paid tribute to Prince – Just Jared 

And this is how the cast of Hamilton paid tribute to Prince – Popsugar

Xtina is giving me chola Rosie the Riveter hotness – Hollywood Tuna 

I see that the producers of that Baywatch movie finally stuffed a big enough wad of cash between Pamela Anderson’s chichis to get her to come back – Just Jared



Susan Sarandon Said Some Words About Her Weird Twitter Fight With Debra Messing

April 22, 2016 / Posted by:

Just read a few of the crazed rants from your crazier relatives on Facebook and you’ll know that this election has really brought the batshit out. But the crazy came out of nowhere last month when Susan Sarandon and Debra Messing served up some piping hot ginger beef on Twitter. To make a long wreck of a story short, Susan Sarandon, who is the Den Mother of the Bernie Bros, did an interview where she said that some Bernie Sanders supporters are saying they would rather vote for Donald Trump than Hillary Clinton. Susan says that those words were spun into the headline: “Susan Sarandon Hearts Donald Trump 4Evah!

Many went after Susan Sarandon, but nobody really went harder than #ImWithHer team member Debra Messing. Debra tweet slapped at Susan and Susan tweet slapped at Debra and it kept going. Susan stopped at one point to rest up her fingers for round 450. But Debra must’ve injected meth into her fingers tips and blasted “Eye of the Tiger,” because she kept going and tweeted for her life. Susan was on Watch What Happens Live last night and a caller asked her about her Twitter battle against Grace Adler. Susan decided to verbally slap a trick a few times.

If you can’t watch that, here’s a few choice quotes:

“Did I talk to her offline? No. It was enough to talk to her online.”

“And she has a lot of followers. I guess. I don’t know.”

“Debra just has too much time on her hands. She just kept going and going and going.”

“Finally after a while, I said, ‘Okay, Debra, look, just report me to the homeroom teacher and let’s just stop.’ But she did not.”

HAHAHAHAHA… But really, this election is just… I mean, one of the stars of one of my favorite movies from the 90s (Thelma & Louise) and one of the stars of one of my favorite TV shows from the 90s (Will & Grace) are throwing shit at each other on and off Twitter. I don’t know whether to blame Twitter or the election or both. The only way this could get any weirder is if Geena Davis and Megan Mullally get into a Snapchat fight about the election. I don’t know exactly what a Snapchat fight is, but I’m guessing it involves lots and lots of filters.


Prince’s Cause Of Death Won’t Be Known For Weeks

April 22, 2016 / Posted by:

But what is known currently is that I still get the full-body puckers from those sex-me eyes, lip gloss-slathered pout and hot heels that allowed him to stomp so hard the angels could feel it.

I’ve learned many things from writing this gutter sludge of a blog (“One of those things is obviously not proper grammar.” – you), and one of those things is that autopsy results don’t take as long as a commercial break like they do on TV. It takes time, and sometimes, it takes a lot of time. So it’s no surprise that Prince’s cause of death is still weeks away for being known. The Medical Examiner did an autopsy on Prince’s body today and a rep said that they need several more weeks to examine his toxicology results and medical history and all that.

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Open Post: Hosted By Prince George Graciously Greeting His American Fans

April 22, 2016 / Posted by:

President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama are in England now, because before they leave office, they wanted to use their connections to meet the future King of England who will probably use his powers to take back the United States in 60 years. Prince George lives a hectic life and he somehow managed to squeeze in a quick meet-and-greet with POTUS and FLOTUS in between his pre-bedtime shiatsu massage and his goodnight ritual (aka talking on the phone with his memaw THE QUEEN to discuss his plan to eventually takeover the colonies when the crown becomes his!).

You can tell that Prince George is shaking POTUS’ hand while saying, “I’m sorry, ‘ol chap, but I must retreat to my bed chambers to continue working on my plans to make your little country all mine. Cheerio!” I know, I should be scared of Prince George’s eventual worldwide domination, but I’m too busy awww-ing over that widdle monogwammed bathwobe!

After POTUS and FLOTUS paid their respects to the future King of England (and the United States), they met up with Prince Hot Ginge for dinner at Kensington Palace. I can’t wait to see the pictures of the Obamas looking all twisted up while stumbling out of Kensington Palace at 4am after doing Fireball body shots and dancing to EDM with PHG.

Pics: Instagram, Splash

Kelly Ripa Probably Won’t Be Going Back To Work As Long As Michael Strahan Is There

April 22, 2016 / Posted by:

When Michael Strahan announced that he was leaving Live! with Kelly and Michael for Good Morning America on Tuesday, it didn’t go down nearly as drama-free as he probably thought it would. Michael’s Live! co-host Kelly Ripa was reportedly “blindsided” with the news that he was quitting, which was maybe the reason why she was a no-show for work the next day. Kelly is currently on vacation with her family (a vacation that was reportedly booked before all this messy morning show drama happened), and is supposed to be back on Tuesday. But it sounds like as long as Michael keeps showing up to work, she won’t be.

People is saying that the expiry date on Kelly and Michael’s co-hosting days has passed, and they’re probably never going to work together again. According to a source, it’s a different dynamic now and that Kelly and Michael co-hosting Live! together isn’t really a “viable option” anymore. Word is that Kelly and Michael barely tolerated each other’s asses before all this went down, so it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that Kelly probably hates Michael even more now. If the rumor that Kelly can’t quit because she needs that Live! paycheck for her fancy life is true, she’ll eventually have to go back to work. But when that will be is anyone’s guess.

Kelly is scheduled to return on Tuesday, but no one can get a confirmation on that, because apparently Kelly isn’t returning calls from management. She also isn’t returning any calls or texts from Michael Strahan, but that’s not exactly a shock.

The source goes on to add that there is a chance Kelly could end up crawling back into her co-host chair next to Michael’s, because “anything is possible.” Honestly, I think there’s a better chance of Kelly co-hosting Live! with that jug of moonshine from Broad City than with Michael again. Actually, I would totally watch that. Someone tell Gelman to start sewing a little suit for that jug.

Pic: Disney/ABC

Presenting…Your New Movie Jesus

April 22, 2016 / Posted by:

“Jesus Christ” isn’t only the name of the role that Joaquin Phoenix may play in a movie. It’s also the words I screamed out after finding out that he may play the star of the exquisite lit-up moving painting my abuelita had in her bedroom. I’m talking about her lord and savior Hay-Soos Crease-toe!

That Mary Magdalene biopic starring the living Haunted Mansion portrait Rooney Mara is really happening and it’s not a hoax. It’s going to happen and Deadline says that the filmmakers are talking to Fighting the Hot black belt champion Joaquin Phoenix about playing 33-year-old Jesus Christ. The deal isn’t done yet, because there’s scheduling issues, but director Garth Davis is hoping that Joaquin will be the JC to Rooney’s MM. I threw this up in my last post about this holy mess, but I’ll throw it up again. This MM biopic titled Mary Magdalene is being described as one of the truest cinematic portrayals of her.

It is set to be an authentic and humanistic portrait of one of the most enigmatic and misunderstood spiritual figures in history.

That description gets a Mary Magdalene eye roll from me every single time.


But it’s wrong of me to hit that description with a Mary Magdalene eye roll, because it’s obvious that Garth Davis is working hard to really bring us the truest version of the Bible ever. I mean, in the Bible, Mary Magdalene is described as looking like the human form of a Gothic-era ghost whisper and Jesus is described as a bloated hair ball who obviously lies his age and smells like dick cheese and armpit jelly. There’s also a scene in the Bible where Mary and Jesus get into a huge fight and as he lay passed out on the couch, she cacas on him. So Joaquin is perfect!


Michael Keaton Won’t Be In The “Spider-Man” Movie Because Robert Downey Jr. Is Too Expensive

April 22, 2016 / Posted by:

Yesterday, Michael K pointed you in the direction of the news that Robert Downey Jr. had gotten a job in the latest Spider-Man reboot. Regardless of how you feel about superhero movies, I’m sure the #getmoneybitch in all of us can appreciate RDJ’s ability to work the Iron Man angle until his bank accounts burst at the seams. However, it sounds like his paycheck might be coming at the expense of 80s legend Michael Keaton, and that is simply something I cannot sanction.

Last week, a rumor was going around that Michael Keaton was in talks to play a villain in the next Spider-Man movie. But yesterday we found out that Michael Keaton isn’t going to be in it after all. Shortly after it was reported that RDJ would be making an appearance as Iron Man in Spider-Man: Homecoming, Deadline reported that Michael Keaton has fallen out of “early talks.” Naturally, I assumed it was because Sony was worried that Michael Keaton and Marisa Tomei would be too much hot for one movie (understandable). But a reporter from Variety claims that Michael is out to make way for RDJ’s paycheck.

Except a writer for The Hollywood Reporter seems to think there’s still a chance Michael Keaton in Spider-Man could happen. Well, I don’t know about that. According to me, Michael Keaton is worth at least $1.6 billion. Obviously those cheapskates in Hollywood don’t think he’s worth that much, but come on. The rest of us (me, and anyone else who still gets the hots for Keaton in Mr. Mom) know he’s worth at least double what his agent was asking for if it means seeing him in a sexy villain suit.

Maybe someone could talk to Robert Downey Jr. and ask him nicely if he’d be willing to take a pay-cut for Michael Keaton. RDJ, do you really need that second gold-plated helicopter, or whatever you were going to blow your next 8-figure paycheck on? Exactly. Help Ken from Toy Story 3 out.

Pic: Splash

Tilda Swinton Isn’t Doing Yellowface In “Doctor Strange,” So Says Tilda Swinton

April 22, 2016 / Posted by:

When Tilda Swinton, the alien refugee who came to this planet on a falling star, was cast as The Ancient One in the Doctor Strange movie starring The Alien Lizard King, many threw balls of shit-filled rage at the filmmakers for whitewashing a Tibetan character. The Ancient One is a Tibetan man in the comic books. I don’t think people thought that Tilda was going to pull some Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s fuckery by playing The Ancient One as a Tibetan man. People were pissed because there’s not many roles for Asians in big-budget Hollywood movies and felt like they should’ve cast an Asian actor instead of a white actress who has no problem getting roles. But everyone can put down their pitchforks, because Tilda Swinton has broken it down for us and cleared everything up.

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Robert Pattinson And FKA Twigs Might Not End Up Getting Married After All

April 22, 2016 / Posted by:

It really hasn’t been a great month for ~artsy~ type singers and their handsome Hollywood fiances. First Liam Hemsworth announces that he’s not engaged to Miley Cyrus, now this. According to InTouch – who is currently getting their asses sued by Blake Shelton for allegedly spreading lies, so take all of this with several grains of salt – FKA Twigs is being denied the aloof hipster nymph wedding of her dreams, because Robert Pattinson has called off their engagement. Their love is dead and their marriage isn’t happening.

A source says Rob and Twigs were supposed to get married this summer. But Rob recently put a bunch of stop-payments on their linen and chair rentals, because he wasn’t feeling a wedding anymore. The source claims that planning their wedding was a “major drag” for RPattz because he and Twigs were fighting all the time. Or maybe it was such a drag because Robert couldn’t ask for wedding cake suggestions on Twitter without the handful of remaining Twihards tweeting back “WHATEVUR FLAVOR U PICK I HOPE FKA TWIGS CHOKES ON IT!!!” Regardless, the source says it was “a long time coming.” They add:

“[She] isn’t the girl for him. She’s very jealous and he was sick of having to explain himself. He’s still young and just decided he wasn’t ready to settle down.”

As for that whole “having to explain himself” thing. Earlier this month, Robert was allegedly seen at a party in Beverly Hills working his greasy-haired game on some rando. But Gossip Cop wants you to know that never happened.

Neither Robert or FKA Twigs have confirmed that they’ve been calling up friends and telling them to go ahead and return that toaster they bought them. So who knows, maybe they’re still picking out china patterns and whatnot. But just in case they actually are begging for their venue deposits back, it might be a good idea for Kristen Stewart to prove there isn’t also trouble in pussydise by doing a hand-holding pap stroll with SoKo. The last thing anyone wants going into the weekend is the sound of the Nutty Madams of the world screaming that their beloved Robsten might be getting back together.

Pic: Splash

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