Birthday Sluts

October 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Suzanne Somers (68)
Jedward (23)
Rachel Reilly from Big Brother (30)
Shayne Ward (30)
Caterina Scorsone (33)
Jeremy Jackson (34)
John Mayer (37)
Kellie Martin (39)
B-Rock (43)
Wendy Wilson (45)
Davina McCall (47)
Flea (52)
Kim Wayans (53)
Tim Robbins (56)
David Zucker (67)
Bob Weir (67)
Barry Corbin (74)
Angela Lansbury (89)

Pic: Mario Casilli

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Elizabeth Peña Has Died At The Age Of 55

October 15, 2014 / Posted by:

And now here’s a punch of sadness to the core of my chilhood’s heart. Elizabeth Peña, whose career lasted for over 30 years, died in Los Angeles yesterday. She was only 55. Elizabeth’s manager tells The L.A. Times that she died of natural causes after a brief illness.

Elizabeth was born in Elizabeth, New Jersey (“Oh shit, just like your name!” is probably the line that touched her ears the most) and two years after she graduated from New York’s High School of Performing Arts, she made her movie debut in a film called El Super. She pretty much never stopped working after that. She was Ritchie Valens’ sister-in-law in La Bamba, Richard Dreyfuss’ side piece in Down and Out In Beverly Hills, Marisa the pregnant mom in Batteries Not Included, Jezzie in Jacob’s Ladder and Consuelo in VIBES! She’s definitely getting the VIP treatment at the gates of Heaven as everybody involved in Vibes should. In 1997, she was nominated for an Independent Spirit Award for Best Supporting Actress for John Sayles’ Lone Star.

Her other movie roles include Rush Hour, The Waterdance, Free Willy 2 (hey, a check is a check!), Tortilla Soup, The Incredibles and Transamerica. On TV, she was Sofia Vergara’s mother on Modern Family and she recently finished the first season of Matador for the El Rey Network. She was also a founding member of the Hispanic Organization of Latin Actors.

She’s survived by her husband, mother, sister and two teenage children.

Elizabeth Peña is very memorable to me, because when I was a kid, I watched every episode of the first and only season of I Married Dora. Elizabeth played Dora. That show meant something to me, because my mom’s side is from El Salvador and Dora was Salvadoran. I had never seen a Salvadoran character, let alone a major one, on American TV before, so I was devoted to that show. When it got canceled, I was pissed and wrote a letter on purple lined paper about how pissed I was. I never sent it, because I didn’t know where to send it. I know, it’s all my fault. I bet the executives at ABC were like, “Okay, so we got 20,000 letters to bring back ‘I Married Dora’ and if we get just one more, we’ll give the people what they want.” I will never forgive ABC for that.

Here’s the last iconic scene of I Married Dora. They truly didn’t give a fuck.

Rest in peace, Elizabeth Peña. You will be missed.

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Night Crumbs

October 15, 2014 / Posted by:

I know the CDC is busy with Ebola right now, but this is some news they need to pay attention to: Robin Thicke is now a member of Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s Pussy Posse – Lainey Gossip

This picture of the Trollsens looks like a book cover for a version of The Shining that’s sold exclusively at Hot Topic – Drunken Stepfather

So I guess nobody’s rescued Wonky McValtrex’s cotton-ball sized pom pom yet? – Egotastic!

Aw, watching little Juicy Joe shove that camera is like watching Magilla Gorilla trying to lay a smack down on King Kong – Reality Tea

Calm, ageless vampire Keanu Reeves wants to play the role that every goddamn actor in Hollywood except Rip Taylor is rumored to play – Celebitchy

And that includes Ewan McGregor too – The Superficial

Family Feud: The game show that causes divorces but raises sales in peen pumps – Pajiba

That turnip in Michelle Obama’s hand just hammered in the last nail in Turn Down For What’s coffin – Towleroad

In case you were wondering, Justin Bieber is still an ingrown hair in L.A. ‘s right ass lip – IDLYITW

Carmen Electra is giving me Club MTV background dancer vibes – Hollywood Tuna

Jennifer Lawrence so wants to fuck that guy – SOW

The Photoshop Awards: Cameron Diaz in Marie ClairePopoholic

Hahaha imagine how all those Robsten crazies are going to seethe after seeing these pics”Robert Pattinson in that picture – Popsugar

If Daryl Hannah’s character in Splash grew up at the bottom of a Port-A-Potty at a rave instead of in the ocean – WWTDD

Amy Poehler loved coke for a minute – ICYDK

In news that made me go “WHAT?!” and “YES!” at the same time, Ezra Miller is going to be The Flash – OMG Blog

This dog is going to murder humans one day and none of us can say shit about it – The Berry

Ashley Parker Angel grabs his dick for charity, looks constipated while doing so – Just Jared

Pic: Getty

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Doogie Howser Is Hosting The Oscars

October 15, 2014 / Posted by:

That bump in Doogie’s pants. I was going to make a Neil Patrick Harris dick joke here, but I stopped myself, because it would’ve involved spilling a Gone Girl spoiler. That wouldn’t be a good thing, because the government recently announced that anybody who drops a GG spoiler will immediately be fed to a rabid pack of angry bitches who’ve got the rage in them because they read a GG spoiler online.

Expect the 2015 Oscars to be filled with a million times more musical numbers than last year, because Variety says that Neil Patrick Harris and his Stonehenge forehead of wonder will host. Practically everyone’s nipples turn into glitter cannons whenever NPH hosts anything, so this isn’t really surprising. NPH announced the news by tweeting a little skit, but he also covered all of his bases by releasing this statement of words:

“It is truly an honor and a thrill to be asked to host this year’s Academy Awards. I grew up watching the Oscars and was always in such awe of some of the greats who hosted the show. To be asked to follow in the footsteps of Johnny Carson, Billy Crystal, Ellen DeGeneres, and everyone else who had the great fortune of hosting is a bucket list dream come true.”

NPH has hosted the Emmys and the Tonys, so now he’s just a Grammy hosting gig away from a hosting EGOT. NPH is an overachieving theater kid, so if anyone can make it happen, it’s him.

If the year was 1989 again and you and I were watching an episode of Doogie Howser while sharing a Swanson’s Le Menu microwave dinner (we’re fancy like that) and you said to me, “In 25 years, Doogie’s face is going to be everywhere and you’re not going to be able to open your eyes without seeing it.” I’d tell you to stop sniffing Mr. Sketch markers, because you’ve obviously gone crazy and don’t know what you’re talking about. Vinnie Delpino’s going to be the big star.

Vinnie-Delpino

Open Post: Hosted By The Porn Iguana’s Puppies

October 15, 2014 / Posted by:

A pro-tip for the Porn Iguana: Never pose next to a bitch who is prettier, more glamorous and has better hair than you. Well, but the Porn Iguana’s ironed plastic straw weave still looks better than Beyonce’s wig, so at least she’s got that.

Last night, Courtney Stodden shoved her Tupperware cake saver tits into a clearance section Frederick’s of Hollywood dress and sprayed her face with a makeup gun set to “day-shift Elvira hooker glamour” before going to the Art Hearts fashion show in Hollywood with her Lynne Spears-looking ass pimp mom and her dog/fashion accessory Cupcake Stodden.

Cupcake looks like this crackhead in Brooklyn who once said to me, “Take that ‘sorry’ and shove it up your ass!  I’m sure you’ll like it,” when he asked me for a dollar and I told him sorry. Cupcake might have those crackhead eyes because of the camera flashes or maybe she got high from the toxic, lead-based fumes wafting off of Courtney’s face. Or maybe Cupcake’s in a state of permanent shock, because she’s seen the real-life Twisty the Clown known as Doug Hutchison mouth fuck with Courtney Stodden and that image is forever burned into her tiny puppy retinas. Yeah, that’s why.

Pics: Wenn.com

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Is Blake NotSoLively The New Paula Deen Or The New Shia LaBeouf Or A Little Of Both?

October 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Pat yourself on the taint and collect your winnings if you guessed “3 months TOPS” in the “How long before Preserve.us completely fists itself in the ass without lube?” office pool. In Preserve’s defense, it took Dlisted 2 days to do that.

On Monday, Gawker called out Blake NotSoLively and her answer to GOOP, Preserve.us, for their tone-deaf fashion spread titled “Allure of Antebellum.” No, the spread wasn’t filled with a rich plantation owner’s wife in a hoop skirt and wide-brimmed hat sipping sweet tea as her slave fanned her. The spread featured pictures of a Blake look-alike in crap clothes you could buy from Talbots. The pictures are pretty harmless by themselves (except for those overpriced ass clothes), but Gawker called them out for romanticizing the Antebellum South and calling it a time of “beauty and grace” while leaving out all that slavery stuff. Basically, in Blake’s mind that era was just like Gone with the Wind. And with that, Paula Deen totally wants to get naked, lube Blake’s mind up with butter and make sweet, sweet love to it.

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Uma Thurman’s Ex-Fiancé Is Suing Her For Custody Of Their Kid

October 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Uma Thurman started bumping moist parts with Elle Macpherson’s ex piece, millionaire financier Arpad Busson (not to be confused with Uma Thurman’s other ex rich piece Andre Balazs whom I always confuse him with), in 2007 and they got engaged a year later. They broke up in 2009 for a minute, but they quickly got back together and got re-engaged. In 2012, Uma birthed out their daughter Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman-Busson (I’m surprised bitches didn’t go broke from buying ALL of the vowels for that name). They killed their engagement for good last April. Uma has been taking care of their daughter in NYC, but now Arpad, who is based in London, is challenging her ass for custody. Pull up the Pussy Wagon, because Uma’s got some slaying to do.

The NYDN says that Arpad’s lawyers filed an emergency order in Manhattan Supreme Court yesterday asking for custody of his and Uma’s 2-year-old daughter they call “Luna” for short. The papers are sealed so the NYDN doesn’t know why in Hell he’s coming for Uma now. Uma’s spokeswhore also didn’t give a reason when releasing this statement about this mess:

“It is unfortunate that this very private discussion regarding Mr. Busson’s visitation rights and his participation in decision making has been made public. However, we are optimistic that a fair agreement for both sides will be reached out of court.”

Coke fetus blind item aside, it would be a little surprising (although, nothing surprises me anymore) if Arpad dropped the shitty mom card on Uma. Uma and Ethan Hawke share joint custody of their kids and there’s no scandalous drama there that I know of. But that Arpad trick is a mess himself. Arpad has two kids with Elle Macpherson and they were engaged for a long ass time, but he refused to marry her after one day he suddenly realized that he, a strict Catholic man of GOD, could never marry a sinful heathen whore divorcee. If Arpad feels a sting on his cheek, that’s from a strict Catholic abuelita throwing a chancleta at him from the great beyond, because no so-called strict Catholic man of GOD busts raw nuts in tricks he’s not married to.

This is probably all about money. But maybe Arpad heard that whenever Uncle Quentin Tarantino comes to visit, he greets Uma by getting on his knees to kiss her toes. If that’s the case, then Uma dun goofed and she’s totally going to lose, because nobody should have to witness that gross shit.

Evan Rachel Wood’s Wet Dreams Have Come True, She’s (Allegedly) Doing Katherine Moennig

October 15, 2014 / Posted by:

If you follow Evan Rachel Wood’s Twatter, then you probably already know that she’s #creamedfromeveryorifice over Katherine Moennig before. Last year, ERW tweeted this about a dream she had co-starring Katherine Moennig.

evanrachelwoodkatherinemoennigdream

Stuck in a cab together for hours…” Is that a scissoring gone wrong thing or is it a gayelle sex position I don’t know about?

Well, Page Six says that 27-year-old ERW and 36-year-old Katherine Moennig are getting stuck in cabs together in real-life, because they’re totally doing it. ERW and Katherine showed up to the the Hammer Museum’s annual Gala in the Garden in L.A. (riveting pictures below) on Saturday night and it was obvious that they’re a thing.

They were holding hands and looked very much like a couple.” The source added that the attractive pair headed to a secluded table and “kept close all night.”

A few months ago, Evan Rachel Wood let it be known that she told her husband and baby father Billy Elliot to dance, Billy, dance, dance toward your divorce attorney’s office!

I’m gayer than a glitter bead on Richard Simmons’ pube bush, but Katherine Moennig still does things to me. She’s like Kristen Stewart if Kristen Stewart wasn’t dead inside and wasn’t in-fucking-sufferable. Whenever I watch her on Ray Donovan, it becomes blatantly obvious that Ray Donovan is a TV show not-at-all based on facts. Because every time she yells at or gets mean with one of Ray’s dumb clients, they don’t immediately bust an orgasm in their pants. And when Katherine Moennig yells at you or gets mean with you, busting an orgasm in your pants is a natural reaction.

So I’m totally into WoodMoen, but that doesn’t mean they’re my favorite lesbian couple in Hollywood. That title will forever belong to Cynthia Nixon and Rojo Caliente….unless Morgan Fairchild and Joan Collins start fucking.

Pics: AP

FYI: Brad Pitt Has Owned A Gun Since Kindergarten

October 15, 2014 / Posted by:

(“Michael, did you accidentally mix battery acid into your cup of Sanka this morning, because that’s the only explanation for why you posted a picture of a Johnny Hallyday wax statue in a post about Brad Pitt.” – you)

Brad Pitt lives in mansion where red laser beams protect the halls, an army of security guards patrol every corner and ninjas trained by Child Army Captain Maddox cling to the ceiling, but he says that he doesn’t feel one hundred percent safe unless he’s got a gun in the house. Brad is promoting that army movie Fury in the UK and during an interview with Britain’s Radio Times (via The Independent) the topic of guns came up and he said that he grew up with guns, he got his first gun at the age of 6, he fired his first handgun at 8 and you’ll have to rip his gun out of his cold, stoned hand. Actually, that wouldn’t be hard. If you want Brad to drop his gun. Just wave a joint at him. Brad put it like this:

“There’s a rite of passage where I grew up of inheriting your ancestors’ weapons. My brother got my dad’s. I got my grandfather’s shotgun when I was kindergarten. The positive is that my father instilled in me a profound and deep respect for the weapon.”

The NYDN also brought out a quote Brad Pitt spit out a while ago about how he just feels better knowing that he’s got a gun nearby: “I don’t feel the house is completely safe if I don’t have one hidden somewhere. That’s my thinking, right or wrong.”

I know hos who feel the same way Brad does and I know hos who feel the opposite way. As my ass gets older and I start to watch way too much 48 Hours and THE NEWS!!!!, I get more and more paranoid. So I keep pepper spray next to my bed, which is genius if you think about. If somebody ever does break in, the darkness mixed with confusion will cause me to pepper spray myself in the face. I should just keep an iPod loaded with a Justin Bieber song next to me. That’s the deadliest weapon of all.

If I was Brad Pitt, I’d probably feel pretty safe without a gun too, because if anybody breaks in they’ll have to deal with a team of security guards, the child army and Dame St. Angie Jolie who will hypnotize the intruder with her ethereal graciousness and touch their chest, turning their criminal heart into a good heart.

Here’s Brad looking like a hobo Weekend at Bernie’s at the premiere Fury in NYC last night.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

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