Daniel Craig (46)
Robert Iler (29)
Reggie Bush (29)
Luke Pritchard (29)
Elizabeth Jagger (30)
Bryce Dallas Howard (33)
Chris Martin (37)
Heather McComb (37)
Amber Smith (43)
Jon Bon Jovi (52)
Laraine Newman (62)
Gates McFadden (65)
John Irving (72)
BarBara Luna (75)
Tom Wolfe (83)
Mikhail Gorbachev (83)
John Cullum (84)
Kim Kardashian, take note: this is how a hooker poses for a picture with a horny old man.
At the Unite4Humanity charity event in Los Angeles Thursday night, Bill Clinton was approached by two delicate lace hankies who asked him to pose for a picture, and since Bill is a gentleman who would never be so rude as to turn down a request from such demure lilac blossoms, he obliged. However, it turns out he wasn’t actually posing with high-society debutantes, but with two sneaky party-crashing hookers from the Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada. I know! I’m suh shocked that the woman wearing polyester hair with two fingers in her hard lemonade wasn’t on the guest list of a high-profile charity event. TMZ says that the two horz, Barbie Girl and Ava Adora, came as a guest’s plus-one and were removed from the party immediately after taking the picture.
HAAAAATERS! All Barbie Girl and Ava Adora wanted was to bask in the warm glow of Bill Clinton’s hotness, and you kicked them out onto the curb like two trashy hookers. You call yourselves humanitarians? You could learn a lesson form Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton welcomes all types of women. “Give me your tired, your poor, your skanky and toothless. Those with tig ol’ bitties or teeny-tinys. The slutty, the raunchy, and even Librarian-looking ones with glasses. Send these to me.”
If you notice that service is a little slower today at your local pawn shop, it’s because Lindsay Lohan has bombarded them with phone calls and begging for price estimates on everything of value in her home. She’s going to have to hock an awful lot of stolen jewellery and all her Teen Choice Award surfborts in order to obtain the cash needed to buy Marilyn Monroe’s sex tape and use it as “inspiration” (NSFW) for her next photo shoot.
According to Radar (via Daily News) there’s a good possibility a sex tape starring Marilyn Monroe, John F. Kennedy, and Robert F. Kennedy not only exists, but will be hitting the auction block next week. The owner of the 8mm tape, former Hollywood bodyguard William Castleberry, says he chose never to release it out of respect for baseball player Joe DiMaggio. But the tape was seized after Castleberry failed to make a $90,000 balloon payment to lawyers regarding the $200,000 sale of a fake statue. The tape, along with lots of other shit from his house, will be sold at auction to pay off the debt.
No one is able to view the tape before they buy it, and the only person who claims to have seen it is a guy who sells fake statues for a living, so I have a feeling this whole thing is set to go down like a disappointing episode of A&E’s Storage Wars. “Next up for bidding is an 8mm tape of what might be Marilyn Monroe letting Mr. President and his brother Robert invade her Bay of Pigs. It could also be boring home movies from the Smith Family Christmas or an educational filmstrip about rain. In all likelihood, the canister contains a dead cockroach in a pile of disintegrated film dust. We’ll start the bidding at $10,000.”
I know someone who has three little boys, and she makes the exact same face Gwen Stefani is making whenever you ask her about having three sons. “Oh, you know, there’s piss all over the bathroom and they won’t stop playing with themselves in public, so yeah – things are great.” Gwen is probably watching one of her boys try to smell his own fart and thinking “Wow. Only 4 more weeks till I have three fart smellers. #blessed”
According to Us Weekly, it’s time to fire your Super Soaker into the air and throw some celebratory Totino’s Pizza Rolls in the microwave (I grew up with a sister, so all my knowledge of brothers is based on television commercials) because Gwen Stefani and husband Gavin Rossdale are now the proud parents of their third son. No word on whether the baby was born with his father’s beautiful frosted ramen noodle hair, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed.
Gwen and Gavin named their first son something pretty normal (Kingston James McGregor) but went full-Phish fan with the second (Zuma Nesta Rock), so it’s anyone’s guess what they name baby #3. But I’m going to put my money on some kind of tree, followed by the name of a California surf town, then a type of music. Welcome to the world, little Boojum Huntington Ska Rossdale!
UPDATE: I was somewhat close. Gavin Rossdale just tweeted that they named him Apollo Bowie Flynn Rossdale (Bowie and Flynn being their mother’s maiden names). I liked Boojum better, but what can you do. Welcome to the world, baby Apollo!
“You claim that your time in rehab has taught you to be less violent. The fact that you chose to assault my eyes with awful Night At The Roxbury-looking suit determines that was a lie.” – What I’m assuming the Judge said to Chris Brown right before he sentenced him back to rehab. And yes, I’m imagining the judge was Maury.
Just four days after trading friendship bracelets and mailing addresses with his best buds on his last day in rehab (“I’ll write you the minute I get home! Camp Rehab forever!”) Chris Brown has been told to pack up his Rescue Rangers duffle bag and hop back on the bus to anger management rehab. Despite successfully completing 95 days (I consider it a success if he doesn’t burn the place to the ground and punch the ashes) he has been ordered to return to rehab for 60 more days:
Superior Court Judge James Brandlin scheduled Brown’s next hearing for April 23. That would come after what’s expected to be a brief assault trial in Washington, D.C., earlier that month.
Prosecutors have asked that Brown be sent to jail for violating probation with his October arrest in the district. In that incident, Brown and his bodyguard are accused of punching a man and breaking his nose outside a hotel. Brown is on probation for his 2009 attack on then-girlfriend, Rihanna.
Brown’s attorneys have asked the judge to await the outcome of the Washington, D.C., case before hearing evidence on whether Brown should go to jail.
And according to a document obtained by TMZ from the facility where he was staying, his extended stint in rehab isn’t just a clever way to skip prison. As it turns out, Chris Brown is that troubled kid from down the street who keeps asking your 8-year-old self if you “wanna see a dead mouse?” and needs some major mental health help:
The facility writes, “Mr. Brown became aggressive and acted out physically due to his untreated mental health disorder, severe sleep deprivation, inappropriate self-medicating and untreated PTSD.” They never explain the cause of the PTSD. The letter also says Chris was diagnosed with Bipolar II.
Did I just feel bad for Chris Brown? Yikes. Calgon take me away and Jesus take the wheel.
If you looked at this picture of the Cryptkeeper’s sassy grandma and got the feel goods in your no-nos, I’d strongly advise you to call up a shrink or an exorcist or something, because no one with a shred of sanity left should ever get turned on by a cream-covered Joan Rivers. That’s the kind of secret you take to your grave, like having not-right feelings for your cousin or that time you shoplifted Alanis from Sears.
Last night, Joan Rivers confused onlookers when she emerged from the QVC pre-Oscars event at the Four Seasons (everything about that sentence sounds so alagant to me) angry, disheveled, and covered in cream. She wouldn’t say what happened, but unless she was outing herself as a sploshing enthusiast (do not google that), it was clear that she had been cake bombed.
However, something in the milk wasn’t clean to me. The placement of the cream on her face was too precise to be the result of an ambush. And unless there was a second cake bomber from above, the angle to which the cream hit her hair is too high. I don’t believe she was cake bombed at all; I believe this was…A STAGED PUBLICITY STUNT. You can call me Marg Helgenberger, cause I just CSI-ed the b-hole out of this bitch.
Aaaaaand, I was right. According to E! Online, the reason Joan’s face was covered in cream was because Miss Piggy (no, not Kim K’s dick-hungry crotch hog…Miss Piggy the muppet) pushed her into a cake backstage at the party. Well, the hand up a puppet’s ass pushed her into a cake. Apparently, the two have some kind of human-puppet feud, probably because Joan Rivers is jealous of Miss Piggy’s natural-looking facial sculpting (Fix-A-Flat will never be a substitute for high-density foam). Of course, their cake-fight just happens to coincide with Miss Piggy’s appearance on QVC and the release of the film Muppets Most Wanted.
Here’s more of Joan looking like what might pop out of a cake at the world’s most terrifying birthday party, as well as Joan after her fight with Miss Piggy:
A’Me Lorain, pop chanteuse of the 90s and one-hit wonder!
I really don’t know why or how it happened, but a couple of nights ago while doing the dishes, I suddenly started singing, “Whispers in the dark don’t do, let’s hit the lights!” I wanted to kiss whatever part of my tattered and battered brain that held that highly important lyric in my head. Because “Whole Wide World” is a masterpiece and A’Me Lorain is an underrated pop genius who should be inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame every single year.
Every single morning, Brit Brit, Lady CaCa, Beyonce and RiRi look at their faces in the mirror and say, “Why can’t I be A’Me Lorain?!” Because A’Me Lorain was ahead of her time and she was like Stacey Q’s equally as talented, fashion forward and gorgeous sister. A’Me and her band The Family Affair, which included her brother and her then husband, put out one album in 1989 and their single “Whole Wide World” peaked at #9 on Billboard’s Hot 100 and #1 in my tween heart.
A’Me Lorain pretty much disappeared after “Whole Wide World” became one of 1990′s greatest achievements, and I’m going to guess that she realized that she couldn’t top herself and retired from the music industry and shunned public life. I’m guessing that she’s now raising Nigerian dwarf dairy goats in New England somewhere and it’s crazy that the goats she’s raising don’t even know what a genius she is. I mean:
Now whistle. Yes, I totally whistled.
Javier Bardem (45)
Justin Bieber (20)
Lupita Nyong’o (31)
Jensen Ackles (36)
Esther Cañadas (37)
Mark-Paul Gosselaar (40)
George Eads (47)
Booker T (49)
Maurice Benard (51)
Russell Wong (51)
Tim Daly (58)
Catherine Bach (59)
Ron Howard (60)
Alan Thicke (67)
Dirk Benedict (69)
Roger Daltrey (70)
Robert Conrad (79)
Harry Belafonte (87)
Obviously, the most highly-anticipated moment of the Oscars is how Jared Leto is going to wear his luscious mane. My guess is that he’ll crimp it, take a blue hair mascara wand to it and wear it in a neon yellow banana clip. Basically, he’s going to keep it classic and demure - Lainey Gossip
I love Shirtless Friday, because it always reminds me that I don’t need to work out since all these hot pieces are working out for all of us – The Berry
“I’m not a regular dad, I’m a cool dad!” - Justin Bieber’s dad – The Superficial
Oh, why hello there, Kate Moss’ double-lane landing strip – Drunken Stepfather
A promo pic of a superhero is not a promo pic of a superhero without BULGE – Towleroad
Perfect human being Lupita Nyong’o prayed for a rainfall of bleach to fall on her – Celebitchy
The twin drunk hyenas Brandi Glanville and LeAnn Rimes are fighting over something meaningful and important again – Reality Tea
“Shit! That bitch stole my Oscar dress!” said Lupita Nyong’o – Hollywood Tuna
Some mess played grab-ass with Justin Timberlake at his show and no, it wasn’t Papa Joe - IDLYITW
When even Jillian Michaels thinks you’re a little malnourished… – Jezebel
Pot, kettle, etc… – ICYDK
Selena Gomez looks like she’s got a really fancy and sparkly STD on her chest – Popoholic
GERMAN NALGAS ALERT! – (NSFW) OMG Blog
Almost everything you need to know about Jeopardy’s evil genius – Pajiba
I hate myself and should bathe in bleach for staring at Shia LaDouche’s crotch in those leggings – Just Jared
Kendull Jenner’s assistant must be a robot, because she’s not making a “Why me?” face – Moe Jackson
ScarJo’s dude’s magnificent hair is taking me places – Popsugar
ABC News says that on Tuesday morning in a court room in New Jersey, the grifting beasts that are Teresa and Joe Giudice of The Real Housewives of New Jersey will both plead guilty to fraud. Juicy and Teresa probably know they’re fucked every which way, because they agreed to a plea deal with the U.S. Attorney’s office. The sad news is that Teresa will probably not live out the real version of Orange is the New Black (her prison name would’ve been HalfHead), because there’s a chance she’ll serve little to no jail time. Lady prisoners won’t get to taste Teresa’s homemade lasagna made out of government cheese and saltines, and cooked on a radiator.
Back in July, Juicy Joe and Teresa were charged with 41 counts of fraud for defrauding lenders, illegally obtaining mortgages, falsifying documents and all sorts of other shady shit. They were both facing up to half a century in prison. But that’s not going to happen if the judge accepts the plea deal on Tuesday. Teresa will plead guilty to four charges. ABC News says that Teresa faces up to two years in prison, but InTouch Weekly says that she’s only looking at 5 years probation max. Juicy Joe will get a minimum of 5 years in prison and they’ll have to pay $11 million in restitution. InTouch says that Juicy Joe, who’s not a US citizen, won’t be kicked back to Italy, but ABC News says US immigration officials haven’t made a decision yet. They’ll decide after Juicy Joe is convicted and sentenced.
As much as I wanted to see Teresa accessorize an orange jumpsuit with rhinestone buttons and a gold ribbon belt, I didn’t think she’d get any prison time. No judge is cruel enough to force criminals to share a confined space with that crazy, soul-killing bitch. But how in the hell are they going to pay that $11 million, because you know they aren’t going to sell that gaudy mansion. We should all brace ourselves, because Teresa is going to whore her whole family out like she’s never whored them out before. Or she’s going to dump Juicy Joe and use her feminine beast wiles to snag a richer chimp.