And In “Everybody Is Quitting Marriage” News, Patrick Dempsey’s Wife Jillian Fink Just Filed For Diviorce

January 24, 2015 / Posted by:

First Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams, now McDreamy and McWifey? What’s next? Kim Kardashian announcing that she’s quitting her marriage to Kurrent Husband Kanye? Actually, statistically speaking, the odds on that one happening are pretty good – I really should have gone with a less obvious couple.

According to TMZ, sexy salt and pepper PDILF (pretend doctor I’d like to fuck) Patrick Dempsey and makeup artist Jillian Finke are calling it quits after 15 years of marriage. 15 years! That’s nearly 96 in Hollywood Marriage Years. TMZ says Jillian was the one who filed for divorce, is seeking joint custody of their 3 kids, child support, and spousal support, and cited the classic Hollywood reason for quitting a bitch: irreconcilable differences. And it sounds like shit might start to get messy, because they don’t have a prenup and McDreamy is apparently McLoaded. According to TMZ, Patrick Dempsey is worth around $40 million. Oooh, get it girl – you can buy an awful lot of makeup brushes with $20 million.

Of course, they also released a statement:

“It is with careful consideration and mutual respect that we have decided to end our marriage.  Our primary concern remains the well-being of our children, and we ask with profound gratitude that you respect our family’s privacy at this very sensitive time.”

Again, no “It is with a heavy heart“? What is with you people? Then again, maybe they’re saving the drama for divorce court. A source claims that “it remains to be seen whether it will be amicable“, because apparently Jillian is all about the kids, while Patrick is all about his huge ego. Wait, does this mean we can expect to see Patrick’s lawyer call Patrick’s boss Shonda Rhimes as a character witness during their messy divorce proceedings? “Your honor, my client can’t be a raging egomaniac – his boss has a very strict No Assholes policy.

Mandy Moore And Ryan Adams Are Calling It Quits On Their Marriage

January 24, 2015 / Posted by:

If you ever spent a Friday night trying to learn the dance moves to “Candy” and searching classified ads for a lime green VW beetle to do them in front of (either in your youth or like, last night – I’m not here to judge your choices), then this news is going to hit you hard. UsWeekly says that after 6 years of marriage, come-to-life Disney princess Mandy Moore and not-Bryan Adams singer Ryan Adams are calling it quits. I know, cue the “I Wanna Be With You” and weep into a hipster scarf. Couples who dye their hair the same shade of Auburn Mist together are supposed to last forever, goddamnit!

Mandy’s rep (who I’m pretending is named Candy, because why the hell not) confirmed the news to UsWeekly via this very PR-sounding statement:

“Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams have mutually decided to end their marriage of almost 6 years. It is a respectful, amicable parting of ways and both Mandy and Ryan are asking for media to respect their privacy at this time.”

Wait, no “It is with a heavy heart?“, aka the “Over the moon” of divorce statements? Come on Candy, you can do better than that! Give it a lil’ pizzazz. Maybe something like “It was truly a Walk To Remember, but after 6 years of marriage, these two are getting a divorce.” Sorry, I would have thrown in a joke about a Ryan Adams song, but I honestly can’t think of one. It’s not his fault – my brain is filled to capacity with remixes of “Check The O.R.“.

And I blame this on Mandy’s appearance in the Hallmark Hall of Fame movie Christmas in Conway. Hallmark movies are always breaking up marriages! Wait, that’s Lifetime movies, you say? Eh, it’s all the same.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

January 24, 2015 / Posted by:

This dog who proves that the struggle is real and the struggle never ends.

This video is the visual metaphor for life. Aren’t we all just a dog going after a rock in the pond? When life throws us a rock into a shallow pond, we go after that rock and we show our asses and get wet while doing so. After we’ve finally pulled out that rock and dropped it on the ground, we’re ready to celebrate our victory by toking up and getting drunk on wine coolers. Just when we’re about to shuffle off to the bar, that goddamn shitty rock has to roll back into the pond and we have to do it all over again while some mean bitch laughs at us and records it to send it to America’s Funniest Home Videos. You know, because life’s struggles are funny.

That poor ass dog. I bet that rock still rolled into the water after he put it on the grass and he’s still fetching it to this day.

via Buzzfeed (For Theresa)

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Birthday Sluts

January 24, 2015 / Posted by:

Jerry Maren, the last surviving original Munchkin from The Wizard of Oz (95)
Jade Ewen (27)
Mischa Barton (29)
Frankie “Social Media Mogul” Grande (32)
Nicole Lenz (35)
Tatyana Ali (36)
Kyle Brandt (36)
Kristen Schaal (37)
Ed Helms (41)
Beth Hart (43)
Kenya Moore (44)
Matthew Lillard (45)
Mary Lou Retton (47)
Nastassja Kinski (54)
Jools Holland (57)
Yakov Smirnoff (64)
Daniel Auteuil (65)
Gennifer Flowers (65)
Neil Diamond (74)
Aaron Neville (74)

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Night Crumbs

January 23, 2015 / Posted by:

The first still of the gay threesome scene from the movie I Am Michael starring James Franco, Zachary Quinto and Charlie Carver from Desperate Housewives is out. You can’t see all of James Franco’s mug in that picture, but I bet if you could you would see him making a face that clearly said, “This gay threesome would be so much hotter if both of these dudes were clones of me.”  - Just Jared

Okay, where can I buy a ticket to get a ride on the back of Chris Pratt’s bike, because that is the life. You get to stay seated and look at his ass the whole time – Lainey Gossip 

Presenting DJ Fuck That Bitch KateThe Superficial

If you’re wondering if you should binge watch Transparent on Saturday for free, I have five words that may convince you to do it: Judith Light is in it – Towleroad

I really want to see this dog in a remake of Into The BlueHollywood Tuna

Dear Rita Ora, please kindly stop it with that wig, because you are not Ann JillianDrunken Stepfather

And I’m sure the last thing Teresa Giudice said to her daughter after their prison visit was, “Now make sure you tell the media about this, honey.”Reality Tea

Sam Taylor-Johnson wants you to fuck off if you have a problem with her getting young, hot dick – Celebitchy

I know you probably look at pictures of man nipples all day (I know I do), but if you need more to look at, here you go – The Berry

Crisis averted: The Sun is still going to show tits – WWTDD

Um, can somebody please tell me where to pick up an application to be a team trainer for the Clippers? – Popsugar

Kristen Stewart and her girlfriend got coffee the other day and they probably took a shit afterward, but the paparazzi didn’t get picture confirmation of that…yet – Popoholic

Movie Acting Is Hard by Benedict CumberbatchICYDK

Poke at me when they make Celebrity Sex Box and Sofia Vergara and Joe ManJello are contestants and the box is made of glass – SOW

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Anthony Mackie Thinks A Woman’s Role Is To Make Daddy A Sandwich

January 23, 2015 / Posted by:

Yes, Anthony Mackie is one of those who wants his girlfriend to call him “daddy.”

Anthony Mackie’s mouth is on a roll! Anthony Mackie’s mouth got him into some shit the other day when he said in an interview with theGrio that Selma got snubbed at the Oscars, because people are tired of being bombarded with race. Anthony also said that black guys with dreadlocks shouldn’t be surprised when the police think they’re up to no good and they’re part of the police violence problem. Anthony cried that he was lied to and he was promised that his words were off the record, but theGrio delivered the receipts in the form of video of the interview that proved otherwise. And well, his mouth is back!

Anthony was on Wendy Williams and she brought up his thoughts on gender roles. Anthony, who has been with his girlfriend since the 2nd grade, told Wendy that he’s Southern so he believes that if a dude mows the lawn and opens up her car door, his woman better make him a goddamn sandwich and she better call him daddy. Even Wendy said that she’s grossed out by chicks who call their man “daddy.” But Anthony kept on and kept on and said that men want to be called daddy and they want that sandwich! The daddy and sandwich talks starts at around the 5:25 mark:

Kaley Cuoco just fell in love for real.

Never mind that you’re probably looking at me like, “Michael, stop playing and don’t act like you’ve never called a dude daddy before, you nasty, gross slut,” what is it with these “make me sammy” types always wanting a simple sandwich. It is 2015 and they should go harder. I mean, if they’re going to be doing hard labor like open a car door and push a lawn mower, they should except more than a simple sandwich. They should expect their woman to make the bread herself, slaughter the pig for the ham, grow her own lettuce, whip a bunch of eggs into mayo and while she’s doing that, she better iron his chonies before stitching the words “my daddy” into them. All he wants is a simple sandwich? Come on, Anthony!

And when Wendy asked Anthony what kind of sandwich his woman makes for daddy, he said, “Ham usually, but she adds this delicious spread that’s pretty slimy and green. Daddy loves it!

Miley’s Still The Most Badass Lil’ Chipmunk On The Block, Y’All

January 23, 2015 / Posted by:

And the runner-up for Most Badass goes to TLC enthusiast Katy Perry, who is hiding behind that mess of face-obscuring purple hair. Sorry Katy, but a middle finger is still more badass than Manic Panic middle school mosh pit emo hair.

Both Katy Perry and No.1 badass Miley Cyrus were at something called the Daily Front Row Fashion Los Angeles Awards last night to celebrate their designer friend and guy who sort of looks like a human eraser-topped pencil Jeremy Scott, who was being honored with an award. And of course, those two made sure to serve up tons of high school dropout-turned-full time mallrat fuckery, because FASHION. They were also joined by Rihanna and Kanye West, who looked just so thrilled to be there. For real! Look at that smile!

mileykanyekatethatotheronesequins

I bet that’s the same face Kanye makes when he gets a text from Kim that says “Sorry kurrent husbin, kant kum 2 Paris this weeknd. Maybe u kan do sumething with Riccardo instead?” Speaking of smiling, the photographer who caught Kanye grinning must have taken this picture from behind a potted plant or a group of models signing up for Leonardo DiCaprio’s next boat cruise, because according to Kanye, Kanye never smiles in photographs. During a speech at the Daily Front Row Fashion Thingy, Kanye told the audience:

“Back when I was working on Yeezus, I saw this book from the 1800s and it was velvet-covered with brass and everything. I looked at all these people’s photos and they look so real and their outfits were incredible and they weren’t smiling and people, you know the paparazzi, always come up to me, ‘Why you not smiling?’ and I think, not smiling makes me smile. When you see paintings in an old castle, people are not smiling cause it just wouldn’t look as cool.”

They didn’t smile because it wouldn’t look as cool? Kanye, you dummy, people in old-ass castle paintings aren’t smiling because toilets weren’t invented yet and everything smelled like doo doo and people were dying from the super plague and nobody took showers. Hell, if that was my life, I wouldn’t be smiling either.

Here’s more from last night including Kanye NOT SMILING and Miley smiling all the goofy hillbilly smiles:

Pics: Getty, Wenn.com, Splash

Open Post: Hosted By Joaquin Phoenix Looking Hot In Paris

January 23, 2015 / Posted by:

 

During that douche bag performance (f)artist phase of Joaquin Phoenix’s career (“You’re going to have to be more specific.” – you), he looked like a dog’s hairy dingle berry that had been nibbled on by ants. Yes, I still would’ve hit it, but I would’ve ended up with a b-hole full of fleas and a mouth full of cheese. That rhymes! But after that whole stunt, the CDC and Hazmat worked together to clean Joaquin Phoenix up and bring out his hotness once again. Here he is at the premiere of Inherent Vice in Paris last night.

You know, Joaquin should really give Johnny Depp the card of the Hazmat team who cleaned him up and also let Johnny know that it’s okay to embrace the hotness. We’ll still see him as an eccentric and quirky artiste if he does. Joaquin probably looks good to my eyes because he’s working that founding fathers hair. Nothing makes your nipples stand up like a grown man in a bob. The Sexetary of Energy knows exactly what I’m talking about.

 

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

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Jennifer Lopez Took Some Time Out Of Her Busy “Boy Next Door” Hustling Schedule To Throw A Little Shade At Mimi

January 23, 2015 / Posted by:

At the same time, JLo’s titties took some time out of their busy schedule to pop out and remind you that JLo is still sexy. You know, just in case you’ve forgotten. JLo’s titties are on top of things like that. During a game of “Plead the Fifth” on Watch What Happens Live last night, Andy Cohen asked living bottle of NARS Orgasm illuminator Jennifer Lopez if she only had one night in Las Vegas, who’s show would she rather see: the drowsy pre-recorded vocal yodels of Britney Spears or the drowsy pre-recorded vocal yodels Mariah Carey. I was hoping JLo would pull a Mimi and answer “Mariah Carey…Mariah Carey…I don’t know her“, but she didn’t, because JLo wanted to yank Mimi’s wig a little harder than that by answering:

“Britney, cause she dances.”

I was waiting for JLo to add “…unlike Mariah, who does nothing but lumber around the stage like a sedated moose”, but she didn’t, because subtlety is the name of the game when you’re throwing shade. Then again, maybe that was actually a reverse read on Brit Brit, since we all know the only “dancing” you’ll see at a Brit Brit show is that drunk-aunt-at-a-family-BBQ full-body sway thing she does.

Either way, I eagerly anticipate the moment Mimi wakes up from her 5 hour mid-afternoon glitter nap and realizes that shimmer-spackled hussy JLo is talking shit about her and is like “Bitch, I got moves. You ever see me trying to get into a pair of Spanx?

But Mimi wasn’t the only person who got a free ride to the burn ward from JLo. Joining her was Marc Anthony, Casper Smart, and all the other busted-faced hos JLo has humped on. When asked to describe her type, JLo said:

“I’m not a looks person. I don’t know if you noticed over the years. I go more for essence, for strength…sexy is important, but I don’t feel like good looking is necessarily sexy. I thought they were all hot. Other people might be like, ‘What the hell was she thinking? but I don’t care.”

Upon hearing this, Skeletor hissed “How RUDE! I’ll have you know a lot of near-sighted sorceresses in Snake Mountain find me very good looking“. Unfortunately, Casper Smart was unavailable for comment, as he is currently serving as a face model at that hospital in the Twilight Zone. Hey, a check is a check.

NOOOOOOO: SkyMall Files For Bankruptcy

January 23, 2015 / Posted by:

Why didn’t I buy that booze-dispensing golf club even though I don’t play golf and never want to? Why didn’t I buy that amazingly exquisite Carmen Miranda chihuahua shirt when I had the chance? Or the guitar doorbell? Or the jizz shoe?  If only all of us bought one thing in the SkyMall catalog, they might not be headed toward the cloud graveyard in the sky.

The Wall Street Journal (via Buzzfeed) sadly reports that everyone’s former favorite time waster in the sky, SkyMall, filed for bankruptcy today, because they’re broke. SkyMall made around $33 million in 2013 and their revenue took a major nosedive last year. They brought in a little under $16 million in 9 months. SkyMall’s CEO Scott Wiley says that they’re struggling to stay alive in this iPhone, WiFi world:

“With the increased use of electronic devices on planes, fewer people browsed the SkyMall in-flight catalog,” said CEO Scott Wiley in court filings. The lifting of regulations that prohibited using cell phones during takeoff and landing was among the magazine’s final death knells.

Wiley said the costs of printed products have also made carrying the magazine “unattractive” for airlines. Delta terminated its contract with SkyMall in August.

There’s hope, though. Scott Wiley says that they’re looking for a buyer.

SkyMall wasn’t only about the amazing products that you’d never ever use. The writing was poetry and the modeling was next level. I never understood why a contract with SkyMall wasn’t a prize on America’s Next Top Model.

I should have known that we would have to pay a price for being able to play with our dumb phones during takeoff and landing. I should have known that something would have to be sacrificed. Is it worth it? NO! We have to go back! We have to go back! We have to put down our iPhones and pick up SkyMall or gorgeous products like this beautiful Marc Anthony statue will be gone forever.

2014-02-04-Zombie

Save SkyMall!

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