Since Taylor Swift is trying to be a total pop star now and pop stars are allergic to pants, she showed up to the MTV VMAs yesterday in a weird ass romper onesie thing that made it look like her Raspberry Tart was queefing up the alphabet. It looks like her pussy was screaming out a Harry Potter spell.
When pictures of Tay Tay’s error 404 ass hanging out of that onesie came out yesterday, I spent way too much trying to crack the code over her coochie wedgie. The letter “V” stamped on her vagine is an elegant touch, but I really don’t want to spend my Sunday, Monday, Tuesday or any other day staring at her down low apple orchard and searching for her camel toe. “Searching For Taylor Swift’s Camel Toe” sounds like the most terrifying horror movie of all time.
Some whores on Twitter and Tumblr said that Tay Tay’s onesie looked like something their baby would wear. Okay, what in the hell kind of GD baby would wear that shit? That mess looks more like the modest swimsuit that a rebellious muslim would wear when she wants to rebel by showing some skin but doesn’t want to go too crazy.
And if you missed Tay Tay thinking she’s Roxie Hart during her VMAs performance of that “Shake It Off” song, click here to watch it. Below is Taylor’s “isolated vocals” from her performance courtesy of Deadspin. If you don’t want your neighbors to call the ASPCA to report a raccoon getting strangled in your house, listen to it with the volume all the way down.
If there was one time when the ears of humanity needed Kanye to snatch the mic away from Taylor, it was last night.
Well, looks like I just lost $50 in the Dlisted office pool. In a foolish act of Baileys-fueled regret, I put all my money on betting that Beyoncé would open her performance at the VMAs last night with a pre-taped video of her and Jay-Z backstage signing divorce papers with their lawyer (Blue Ivy Carter, Esq.), followed by her walking out on stage and singing a bunch of lyrics about true love and shit, then closing the show by inviting Jay-Z on stage with an ordained minister (Rev. Blue Ivy Carter) to get legally re-married. Instead, we got nearly 20 minutes of Beyoncé doing classic Beyoncé (HAIR! HANDS! FACE FACE FACE!) while singing every single damn Beyoncé song in existence, and now I’m out $50. Terrific. Sure, technically we did get a couple of assholes, but they were covered in gold glitter.
However, she did manage to squeeze in some classic Stuntyoncé at the end of her performance, when a camel who stole one of Run DMC’s hats came out to present Beyoncé with the Vanguard Award along with her holiness, Blue Ivy. Of course, Yawn-cé made sure to give Jay-Z a big kiss (closed-mouthed, since camels are known to spit) and act like the three of them were a damn come-to-life set of Heart Family dolls.
Ugh, I know I’m being a hater (send all emails to firstname.lastname@example.org) and yes, the Vines of Jay watching Blue Blue dancing along to Bey and Blue saying “Go Mommy!” are adorable, but we all know her and Jay are fucking done, so why even trot him out and make him participate in that tired shit? Bey didn’t need Jay there; Blue Ivy could have presented that award all by herself. Then again, if MTV had given Blue Ivy the Vanguard Award to present to her mother, she probably would have just crawled up to the mic and announced “the recipient of the Vanguard Award is…myself. Thank you”, since everyone knows she’s the real vanguard here.
And here’s Bey before her
publicity stunt performance and after looking both times like a very fancy Barbie doll.
The gold glitter-covered nalgas that stole the show during Beyonce’s 500-year-long MTV VMAs performance.
We’ll have much more about Beyonce’s never-ending VMAs extravaganza (which claimed THOUSANDS OF LIVES) in a minute, but for now here’s her back-up dancers’ gold ass cheeks that kind of look like Faberge eggs. Those dancers will be shitting and butt queefing up gold glitter for weeks (“Just like me!” – Richard Simmons).
And I might still be drunk from last night, but their ass cheeks and legs kind of look like misshapen sparkly gold sperm fishes. Basically, their legs and ass look like something that Liberace would jizz up. True opulence.
Alexander Skarsgård (38)
Alexandra Burke (26)
Blake Lively (27)
Rachel Bilson (33)
Kel Mitchell (36)
Ben Falcone (41)
Jo Dee Messina (44)
Claudia Schiffer (44)
Cameron Mathison (45)
Rachael Ray (46)
Blair Underwood (50)
Billy Ray Cyrus (53)
Tim Burton (56)
Elvis Costello (60)
Rob Halford (63)
Gene Simmons (65)
David Canary (76)
Tom Skerritt (81)
Regis Philbin (83)
Sean Connery (84)
Monty Hall (93)
A few months ago, Pimp Mama Kris’ prized hog, Kim Kartrashian, “wrote” (read: bitch didn’t write shit) this about racism and discrimination in this world:
I feel a responsibility as a mother, a public figure, a human being, to do what I can to make sure that not only my child, but all children, don’t have to grow up in a world where they are judged by the color of their skin, or their gender, or their sexual orientation. I want my daughter growing up in a world where love for one another is the most important thing.
So the first step I’m taking is to stop pretending like this isn’t my issue or my problem, because it is, it’s everyone’s.
And above is Kummy Cakes and PMK’s other whores showing that they really care about the plight of Ferguson by Instagramming pictures of their tits (I’m guessing) during the Ferguson tribute at the VMAs tonight. I bet if you asked Kim about Ferguson, she’d said, “OH MY GOD, she’s my favorite Black Eyed Peas member!”
On the left is Our Lady of Cheetos and the high-pitched Top Ramen bar Justin Timberlake bringing Miller’s Outpost sophistication to the 2001 American Music Awards. On the right is Katy Perry and Riff Raff (aka what you get when you feed a mogwai Four Loko after midnight) TRYING IT at the MTV VMAs tonight.
Where’s the exquisite rhinestone choker and Riff Raff needed to wear a glamour denim cowboy hat to cover up that nasty, disgusting “ebola under a microscope” hair. Surveys says: NOPE!
The risk of getting metal poisoning on her pussy is a small price to pay to bring true demure glamour to the VMAs!
Earlier this morning, Amber Rose broke into Rose McGowan’s house, went to the back of Rose’s closet, pulled out the original SLUT DRESS Rose wore to the VMAs a million years ago and used it as the blueprint for her own VMAs “dress” (for lack of a better word). While I’m all for Amber Rose looking like a cross between the sex slave of a Home Depot store manager (he gets a good discount on metal chains) and the least popular day-shift stripper at a Thunderdome-themed strip club, I CAN NOT with her channeling the goddess of VMAs elegance Rose McGowan without showing her ass crack or tit knobs!!
If you’re going for “Rose McGowan at the 1998 VMAs” and your nipples aren’t able to breathe in the night air and your fried zucchini flower doesn’t make an appearance when you bend over, then you’re doing it wrong.
But you know, all that chain link is going to come in handy tonight. Because the audience can use it to haul Beyonce and her five ton ego off of the stage when she’s 8 minutes into her 15 minute set. Her setlist has leaked and apparently she’s doing a medley of her entire fucking album and it’s going to last 15 minutes. Bitches should just change the VMAs to the BAAs (Beyonce Appreciation Awards) and call it a day.
My hotel in Mehico doesn’t get MTV (but it does get a música channel that played three Phil Collins videos in a row this morning), so I’m going to watch this mess on a livestream. Watching a 2 and a half hour train wreck on a livestream using hotel WiFi is a lot like having ass sex without lube. There’s a lot of screaming, there’s a lot of starting and stopping and there might be a little blood. I’m into it.
And you thought Lea Michele airing out her gigolo was some intense breaking news. Tumblr icon and former Days of Our Lives star (that’s the important piece and it’s where his castmate got the idea for his present-day mop) Jensen Ackles blew up the world (and the ladyflowers belonging to each and every Supernatural fan – even the men) by joining Twitter today.
— Jensen Ackles (@JensenAckles) August 24, 2014
Hold back your screams, bitches and please put a towel down before you sit on the couch. Now you can read Jared’s every thought (“For why did I eat that hot dog at Dragon-Con 2014? #FML”) from the safety of your smartphone.
And it’s not a hoax cuz’ his fellow Tumblr god, the passion-maned drug addiction counselor Jared Padalecki, confirmed it! Huzzah!
— Jared Padalecki (@jarpad) August 24, 2014
Those of you who don’t write Supernatural incest slash fic for your 30-something Tumblr followers are probably like – who dat? It’s not that important. He did name his kid Justice Jay, though. That’s what they used to call me whenever I was in the tank and had to blow a couple of COs to get moved up the docket quicker.
Check out more pics of Jensen Ackles from the CW Upfronts earlier this year in London in the gallery below.
In what is probably the “and that’s a wrap, bitch” moment of the 50 Cent/Floyd Mayweather Jr. literacy challenge feud bullshit, Mayweather Tweeted pics of two checks made out to him totaling over 72 million. The Tweet also urged the unnamed recipient (Half-A-Buck) to “Read this.” He may be illiterate but the bitch knows how to work his calculator and his smartphone.
For those of you not in the know, assface Fiddy challenged the apparently already-challenged by words Floyd to read a page of Harry Potter aloud on Jimmy Kimmel. He then downgraded the material to Dr. Seuss (probably after hearing this sadness). This looks to be the response.
Read this $72,276,000.00. God bless. pic.twitter.com/dpwE3X7eLR
— Floyd Mayweather (@FloydMayweather) August 23, 2014
It’s definitely a cringe-moment when someone calls you out on this fundamental shortcoming. But if your job is basically to beat the fuck out of people (“people” being “the other boxer in the ring” and not “women”, dicknose) and get paid ridiculous sums of money to do it – you really don’t need literacy, do you? You can employ readers! But what if your word-servants aren’t handy? Eh, society is pretty much laid out for idiots. If a sign is red you should probably stop or run away, GPS or Siri can pretty much do everything for you, and someone at the Christmas party SHOULD stop you if they see you eating poinsettia leaves. You don’t put up a sign saying DON’T EAT THE POINSETTIA LEAVES at your Christmas parties? I hope you get sued.
Obnoxious TV chanteuse and Barbra Streisand’s wide-awake nightmare Lea Michele took time out from rehearsing for the upcoming and imaginary Yentl 2 (which will be shot in her bedroom and star only her) to walk Matthew Paetz. Hey, you. Wake up! This is important shit. Lea Michele, her boyfriend, and a water bottle in TreePeople Park in Beverly Hills yesterday. There should be a hashtag.
Lea’s keeping it tight and alright for her bought-and-paid-for dick and probably trying to sweat out the remaining booze toxins from her appearance at the Teen Choice Is A Lie Awards two weeks ago. She…actually, never mind her. The whore is kinda hotsy, huh? Abs. It was irritating when he put the shirt on and covered it up. Dude, you’re only with a girl with that sort of revolting personality for two possible reasons ($ and/or press). You will probably end up receiving more of those if you keep those nips out.
Check out more pics of Lea Michele and “massage therapist/life coach” Matthew Paetz in the gallery below.