I always assumed Beyonce’s management team was The Illuminati, who spoke directly to Blue Ivy using a series of coded words on an untraceable phone line patched through to her by her intern Solange. But apparently her management team was real people, and apparently they’re all out of a job today, because she decided to can them.
According to Page Six, Beyonce has quit her general manager of five years, Lee Anne Callahan-Longo, and moved on to a dude named Steve Pamon. A source tells Page Six that Lee Anne isn’t the only one packing her shit in a box to the left to the left today. One of them was her cousin. HER COUSIN!
“Beyonce basically cleaned house, got rid of her whole team, which included her cousin, and hired a new team. She wants to surround herself with business people who could take her career to an even higher level. She has one album left to deliver before her deal is up with Columbia, plus she wants to make smarter decisions where it comes to touring, sponsorships and acting roles.”
A higher level? I didn’t think there was a level higher than Her Royal Highness Supreme Queen of Heaven and Earth BEYONCE!!!.
Beyonce rep commented on Beyonce’s mass firing by saying: “Some senior staffers were given the opportunity to reposition and stay on. Some members . . . awakened [to] new interests and decided to follow personal routes.”
Page Six doesn’t say who else is on Beyonce’s new team. But since Beyonce has a major boner for surrounding herself with the best of the best, I’m surprised she didn’t fire everyone and try to replace them all with cardboard cutouts of herself. Or maybe she did, but Jay Z had to pull her aside and remind her that it’s a good idea to keep one of two real people around, just in case she has any questions. Like “What tool do I use to Photoshop my thigh gap again?” or “How do I decline this phone call from Kanye’s wife?”
And here’s the reason Beyonce exists, Mama Tina, trying to go incognito in her Sith Lord finest at a nail salon earlier this week.
Gimme a ‘L’! Gimme an ‘O’…oh, JUST PUT THE FUCKIN’ LOTION IN THE BASKET! – tim
Upvote winners (it’s a tie!):
Icky Mouse – johnny boy
Few people knew about Chuck E’s ratchet cousin, Beck E Government Cheese – Trixster
Choco, Van and Marsha, the mascots of Rocky Road cereal from the 80s!
Here’s another HSOTD to remind all of us that back in the greatest decade that ever was, the 1980s, cereal makers really knew how to make a nutritious and well-balanced bowl of pure deliciousness. Sometime in the mid-80s, General Mills decided that what the children really needed was to fill their stomachs with the cereal version of rocky road ice cream. It was delicious early on-set diabetes in a bowl! Rocky Road cereal kind of looked like oversized bunny poo, but it was delicious oversized bunny poo. It was made up of chocolate cornballs, vanilla cornballs and nutty chocolate balls filled with gooey white stuff (Side note: I think I read that same description on a Craigslist casual encounters ad once and yes, I responded.)
In the commercial for Rocky Road cereal, the cornballs and the chocolate-covered marshmallow became a cartoon band. Thirty lumps of sadness fill my heart thinking about how Rocky Road cereal was taken out before its time and because of that, Choco, Van and Marsha never released a full album.
I mean, a cartoon band featuring two balls that look like nutsacks and a yodeling marshmallow in fuckme boots? That is what 80s dreams are made of.
Pic: Dinosaur Dracula
Hannibal Buress (33)
Carly Patterson (28)
Bug Hall (31)
Jeff Dye (33)
Kimberly Wyatt (34)
Gavin DeGraw (39)
Natalie Imbruglia (41)
Jeff Schroeder (42)
Oscar De La Hoya (43)
Rob Corddry (45)
Gabrielle Anwar (46)
Clint Black (54)
Jeff O’Heir (54)
Michael Beck (67)
Alice Cooper (68)
Dan Quayle (69)
George A. Romero (76)
Jerry Adler (87)
Here’s Brad Pitt looking like he just laid down a few sharts in his diaper shorts and is trying to keep it together while he runs home to change. Yes, this is on the set of a movie. No, this is not on the set of the Fire Marshal Bill biopic – Lainey Gossip
Kanye West and Wiz Khalifa made up too. The secret to world peace has been solved! – Celebitchy
Hilary Duff and that Canadian brick head millionaire are now officially divorced – The Superficial
Chemotherapy is no longer working for Big Ang so she has turned to cannabis oil to help her. Come on, cannabis oil, don’t let Big Ang down! – Reality Tea
Love Magazine may as well change their name to Love Kartrashians Magazine at this point – Drunken Stepfather
Bill Cosby’s lawyer tried to get him out of the criminal case against him. It didn’t work – Jezebel
Vicky Jeudy’s nipple came out to say hi to Leonardo DiCatchAHo at the SAG Awards – The Nip Slip
Excuse me while I take my Gaydar to the Geek Squad because it’s broke now. I will forward my bill to Tim Tebow – Towleroad
Alexandra Daddario looks like Valentine’s Day took a diarrhea on her – Popoholic
It is the end of days, because German’s finest rose is the wearing the most clothes she’s ever worn in her entire life – Hollywood Tuna
But yet, Rihanna’s album still sold more than Rita Ora’s last album – IDLYITW
I hope JLo raised Casper the Friendly Gold Digger’s allowance for doing this mess – Popsugar
This Celebrity Big Brother gay kiss needs more tongue – OMG Blog
This is what Thor looks like as “the Janine” from Ghostbusters. I don’t know why he’s dressed like a gay receptionist, but I will say that he’s wearing way too many clothes – The Berry
Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson’s 18-year-old surfer son took his shirt off for Saint Laurent – Just Jared
I don’t know what is going on here, but I do know that Kate Hudson is probably going to try to get on Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson’s 18-year-old son in 3..2… – SOW
The Hot Slut of 2015 crown hasn’t even fully settled on Eugene Bostick’s award-winning head and the Hot Slut of 2015 scepter (which yes, is just a giant, long dildo) hasn’t been delivered to his house yet, and we’re already beginning the long ass journey to find the Hot Slut who will inherit his crown. The search for the hottest Hot Slut of the Hot Sluts never ends, I guess.
Our first Hot Slut of the Month competition of 2016 was almost an all 80s fight to the glamorous death until future gold medal runner Ludivine ran in and joined. Just like last year, 3 of the HSOTM finalists got the most Facebook likes from those of you who hit that Facebook like button. The 4th finalist is a wild card picked by me. The Facebook like button must have been broken on her post, because Joan Collins didn’t get at least 45 billions likes. So she’s my pick, because if I didn’t pick her, I’d be going against my religion. Your choices for January’s HSOTM are:
Chic jeans – The denim wonders from the 80s that turned any pair of legs into pillars of piping hot sex and any ass into a mountain of pure hotness.
Ludivine – The hound dog from Alabama who just casually won 7th place in a half-marathon without training or even trying. I’m sure she’s just going to casually strut into Levi’s Stadium in Santa Clara, CA on Sunday and win the Super Bowl without even touching a damn football.
Malibu Musk – The fresh scent of the 80s that made you smell like you had just ran along the beach in Malibu in a bikini (or just ran through the perfume aisle of a drugstore).
Joan Collins – God.
Voting is below. The winning HSOTM will be announced on Monday, February 8th.
Just when we’re beginning to think that everyone is going to leave Marilyn Monroe alone and let her finally rest, they pull out her image again and use it for all sorts of things including peddling Snickers. We all know that Marilyn would never hawk some crap like Snickers. She’d only be the face of refined chocolate brands like Symphony and Russell Stover. But well, someone leased out her face to Snickers for their “You’re Not You When You’re Hungry” campaign. I’m not mad because it got Willem Dafoe in that Seven Year Itch dress and white panties.
Here’s Snickers’ Super Bowl commercial starring Willem Dafoe as a grouchy Marilyn Monroe. Don’t you even say that Willem needs to better his tuck game. No, he doesn’t. Willem’s tuck game gets an F and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
And yes, yes, I’d hit it. Pull those panties to the side, Miss Willem Monroe!
UsWeekly says that after humping their way through 98% of the humans on Earth (I’m not good with math, so that number could actually be closer to 99%), Rita Ora and Gerard Butler humped on each other last month at a Hollywood hotel.
A source claims Gerard and Rita’s hookup began with “intimate dinner” together at the hotel’s restaurant before they took it upstairs. One person claims they “drank wine“, and that Rita gave Gerard a hug when he came back to their table after a break. Another person claims they heard Gerard’s penis whisper “Well, that’s it – that’s all the vaginas” before pulling out a tiny penis-sized typewriter and typing up its retirement speech.
Now, before you start getting forever fantasies about these two and daydreaming about how classy Rita Ora’s wedding would be, Gossip Cop is calling bullshit on UsWeekly’s story. They say that Gerard never rita’d her ora, and that there’s “no truth” to it all.
Who to believe, who to believe. On the one hand, it’s Gerard Butler, so even if he didn’t have sex with Rita Ora, he had sex with someone in that restaurant that night. On the other hand, who feels like fucking right after filling their gut with food and wine? They probably just went upstairs and shared a bottle of Pepto while Gerard asked her questions about her new album Anti.
If you’re still undecided, it might help to take a magnifying glass to these pictures of Gerard Butler at a Hugo Boss event in Spain earlier today and see if you can spot any of Rita Ora’s stray weave hairs stuck to his suit.
When Amanda Bynes’ one-time face idol and Rob Kardashian’s only friend Blac Chyna got arrested at Austin-Bergstrom International Airport on Friday night for causing a booze-induced scene on a plane, cops found two ecstasy pills in a sunglasses case in her purse. Blac Chyna got hit with a felony drug possession charge on top of a public intoxication charge. Blac Chyna admits to being more drunk than me while babysitting (Reminder: Don’t ask me to babysit), but she says that the pills in her sunglasses case weren’t hers. They were the black kid’s pills! I can’t believe it’s 2016 and that Lindsay Lohan quote still takes up real estate in my brain.
TMZ says that the two pills were tested and cops discovered they were MDMA. Sources say that Blac Chyna swears on her Fix-A-Flat ass that the pills aren’t hers and she wouldn’t even know where to buy ecstasy pills from. Blac Chyna is suspicious, because she says that nowadays hos stick with MDMA powder and people no longer do pills. (“Ho, please” – some stuffed animal backpack-wearing 40-year-old raver who can’t let go of the 90s.)
Blac Chyna admits that she didn’t pack her own bags for her trip. Her assistants usually pack for her, but they weren’t there at the time. So somebody else packed her bags and she thinks that trick is responsible. She’s not naming names.
Sure, we can all pull out our Detective La Toya™ brand magnifying glass so we can get to the bottom of who packed Blac Chyna’s bag, but we don’t need to. It was obviously Pimp Mama Kris wearing a silicone FUPA, a whole lot of Dunkin’ Donuts perfume, a fake beard and amazing socks while in disguise as Rob Kardashian. But we do need to pull out our magnifying glass for a different reason. We need to pull it out to solve an even bigger mystery: Why in the hell does Blac Chyna have assistants?
And now in salty bitches being salty bitches news. Noel Gallagher, a man who I’m pretty sure shares DNA with the phrase “Piss off“, recently spoke to British GQ (via Daily Mail) about humanity’s current favorite crooning feels-maker, Adele, and – surprise! – Noel Gallagher still doesn’t like Adele. The last time Noel was asked about Adele’s music, he channeled his inner *so edgy* 9th grader by sneering that it’s music for “fucking grannies.” This time, Noel Gallagher went even harder by confessing that Adele’s existence is such a pain in his ass that it ruins his breakfast.
“Adele? I’m not a fan. She always comes on the radio when I’m having my cornflakes: ‘Hello?’ No, fuck off!”
Cornflakes, eh? I always pictured Noel Gallagher ate a bowl of wood chips and popcorn kernels every morning to guarantee that he’d have something to complain about. You really do learn something new every day. Obviously my first reaction to Noel whining about Adele would be to tell him to get off his ass and change the radio station. But then I remembered that Adele is our supreme overlord, and it doesn’t matter how far you turn the dial in any direction, Adele’s voice will be on it. And turning off the radio won’t do any good, because there’s always going to be that neighbor who belts out the chorus from “Skyfall” in the shower like they’re auditioning for Bathroom Idol.
Speaking of reality shows, Noel also took a tight shit on reality competition television. You know, because he wouldn’t want to give Adele the satisfaction of being the sole recipient of all his hate this week.
“I’ve been offered the X Factor twice and – right after I left Oasis – Strictly Come Dancing. Just ee-fucking-magine.”
Just once I’d love to know what Noel Gallagher likes. What am I saying? Noel Gallagher likes nothing! If an airline ever loses Bianca Del Rio’s Rolodex of Hate, she could call up Noel Gallagher and ask if he’d consider subbing in as a replacement. Again, listen to me acting like Noel wouldn’t shout “Fuck off, I’ve got cornflakes to eat” before hanging up the phone.