During MTV Cribs, Taylor Swift proudly shows off her trophy room, filled with preserved exes on strong water. – Syllieness
Always trying to Keep Up With Kim, Khloe had to settle for the naked cover of Aquarium Monthly. – ILoveRArmitage
It only took 30 years, but I can finally see my Sea Monkey. – Fappiness
Rafi, the labrador whose hearts fills with frozen rainbows when he makes sweet, sweet love to SNOW!
In this almost 3-minute-long video, the role of Lindsay Lohan’s nostrils will be played by Rafi the dog and the role of COKE will be played by SNOW. Because just like LiLo’s nostrils, Rafi loves that white shit. If you’re in Denver or one of the other lands where it looks like that blonde chick from Frozen just had a tantrum, then your b-hole lips are probably frozen to your chair and you’re probably wearing pasties made out of steel because your rock hard nips keep cutting through the 4 sweaters you’re wearing. You might be cursing the cold right now, but somewhere Rafi is marrying the cold with his face.
I’m surprised that the ice didn’t melt, grass didn’t grow, birds didn’t start chirping and butterflies didn’t start flying around after Rafi scooted thirty layers of pure joy and warm happiness across that snow. Rafi’s happiness could bring on spring, but then again that might not be a good thing since he won’t have a thick layer of snow to play in.
If ultra ice queen Nicole Kidman ever wants to spend a little time with a creature whose heart doesn’t immediately turn into a freezer burned clump of ice when she touches it, Rafi is her dog!
Gerard Butler (45)
Matt Bennett (23)
Kumi Koda (32)
Michael Copon (32)
Monique Coleman (34)
Metta World Peace (35)
Aisha Hinds (39)
Noah Hathaway (43)
Steve Zahn (47)
Jimmy Kimmel (47)
Kelly Cutrone (49)
Neil Flynn (54)
Whoopi Goldberg (59)
Chris Noth (60)
Frances Conroy (61)
Tracy Scoggins (61)
Joe Mantegna (67)
Garry Marshall (80)
Pic: Hollandse Hoogte
And now Kim Kartrashian will show you her oily kooch for the millionth time and her “puppy dog begging for a Snausage” face tells me she’s really excited about it – (NSFW) Paper
90s Superman popped Brooke Shields’ cherry – Celebitchy
Sandra Bullock scalped Jennifer Aniston and is wearing her hair – Lainey Gossip
Julianne Hough still exists, is on the cover of Shape Magazine – WWTDD
The Osbournes are coming back and I just say YES to that because I’ve missed seeing their 10,000 dogs barf and shit all over their fancy rugs – Reality Tea
RiRi visited the White House and it was probably really awkward when she ran into Jill Biden wearing the exact same outfit as her – Drunken Stepfather
The Silver Fox defends his love for his favorite candle scent. I really need him to interview Angela from Wisconsin and have a kiki over their love of candles – Towleroad
As Elizabeth Smarts cackles into the night… – Jezebel
Daniel Tosh is mad at ESPN for ripping him off, but he should really direct his anger at whoever told him to wear that cardigan – The Superficial
Karlie Kloss‘ dress looks like a men’s mariachi costume that had a sex change - Hollywood Tuna
Olivia Wilde and Justin Theroux went shopping and I’m guessing they bought more scarves – Popoholic
Mrs. Wolowitz from The Big Bang Theory is in heaven now – SOW
Elle Fanning as a ginger trasngendered teen kind of looks like Chucky if Chucky was a twink – IDLYITW
Cameron Diaz is smooth – Celebslam
Somebody get this Texas T-Rex-impersonating birds its own Lincoln commercial – The Berry
Bitch Probably Got Fired: The “Nestle Crunch Intern Who Tweeted That Trash Tweet” Edition – Pajiba
Joaquin Phoenix’s childhood was The Master – ICYDK
Jennifer Lawrence is giving me “high-priced call girl wearing her john’s blazer” glamour – Popsugar
Why do I have a feeling that minutes before that picture was taken, Niecy Nash “kept her husband happy” in the car and she’s still got a souvenir in her mouth?
I knew Niecy Nash was in Getting On, Reno 911, Clean House, The Soul Man, Hair Show and Cookie’s Fortune, but I had no idea she had a PhD in couples therapy. I mean, that’s why someone gave her money to write a book about marriage and relationships, right? Niecy has a book out called It’s Hard To Fight Naked and while talking about it with Playboy, she said that men are simpletons who are happy as long as they have a hot meal in their mouth and a hot mouth on their dick.
Dr. Niecy, who definitely has a masters in blow jobs, basically admitted to giving her second husband of 3 years a beej every day and says that the glue that holds a marriage together is the cum you suck out of your man’s dick. And suddenly, Niecy’s Getting On co-stars now know why her breath always smells like goat milk and chlorine.
What I say in the book is, “A BJ a day keeps the divorce attorney away” and I say that because I feel like men are profoundly simplistic, which is the reason I wanted to call my book what I used as the title of chapter three, which is, “Stomach Full, Penis Empty: A Woman’s Guide to a Happy Marriage.” Keeping him fed and drained, you have no problem. We are really more complicated than they are and I think that women are more generous with oral sex because we nurture by nature. We want to be pleasing by nature, that’s in our DNA, so I think that a lot of the behavior we’re looking for sexually, you might have to educate your partner. Sometimes, men just assume they’re going to get it and you need to be like, “Give me mine. Ladies first.”
Stomach Full, Penis Empty?! I’m going to need Niecy to explain that one to me. Does she mean that wives should suck their husbands off while feeding him fettuccine alfredo? Or does she mean that wives should swallow? Or does she mean that snowballing is the secret to a long-lasting marriage? I’m going to go with the last one, so open up and say aaaaah, husbands.
The anti-Peg Bundy also says that getting her uterus taken out was the greatest thing she’s ever done, because now she and her husband can screw without worrying about making babies. I guess Niecy doesn’t know about condoms or birth control, but in her defense, she doesn’t have time to research such things since she’s always gargling peen and making dinner.
And somewhere in the Scientology Centre, John Travolta has taken off his wig and is slow clapping for Niecy, because he has always told Kelly Preston that the key to a successful marriage is sucking dick every day.
All your feeds are probably covered with butt grease, so I figured you could use a palate cleanser. Here’s Hugh Grant cuddling up to a farm animal friend at the Festive Opening of the Christmas market at Gut Aiderbichl, Austria today. I know, an animal trying to nibble on Hugh Grant’s corn teef while he’s looking like he hasn’t slept or cleaned his ass in weeks is not much of a palate cleanser, but I have to take what I can get.
Since I’m a city whore and I’m dumb when it comes farm animals, I don’t know what that white ball of adorableness in Hugh’s arms is. I asked Allison and she said it was a goat, then she said it was a lamb, then she said it was a goat, then she said it was a glamb (a goat lamb hybrid). I asked one of my other friends and she said it was a lamb, then a goat, then a lamb. One photo agency said lamb, the other said goat. I’m sure one of you will scream at me, “You dumb piece of shit, it’s a CAT!” Until I know for sure what it is, I’ll just call it what I call anything whose face I can’t pinpoint. I’ll call it a Renee Zellweger.
IMPORTANT UPDATE: Thank you to Pushy Broad for letting me know that it’s a goat. I don’t know if goats and sheep get along (that’s a discussion for another day), so apologies to that baby goat for mistaking it for a lamb.
Hugh and his special furry friend got so close at the Christmas market that I’m sure his spokeswhore will release this statement in a few months:
“I can confirm that Hugh Grant is the delighted father of a baby goat lamb human. He and the mother had a fleeting affair and while this was not planned, Hugh could not be happier or more supportive. He and the mother have discussed everything and are on very friendly terms.”
I know it looks like Leonardo DiCaprio is flashing some kind of bearded hobo gang sign, but that’s actually how he orders models. “Two please! I’m thinking something from 1992, blonde…aw hell, it’s my birthday – surprise me! NOTHING OLDER THAN 25, YOU HEAR ME???”
It was the President of the Pussy Posse’s 40th birthday yesterday, so he had his assistant Lukas Haas dock the yacht (the S. S. Snatch Catcher) so he could celebrate with his friends at the Soho House in West Hollywood. But when he arrived, Leo was greeted by something far more wonderful and important than friends: bony-assed panty models! According to TMZ, Leo’s guest list included a bunch of his friends like Tyrese, Russell Simmons, Robin Thicke (ew Leo no), and then a shitload of models. A source tells TMZ that they estimate the guest list was about 80% models.
80% may seen like a lot, but just remember – models take up a lot less space. So if you want the room to look full, you’ve got to really pack them in. Besides, a 5:1 model-to-guest ratio isn’t nearly enough for a seasoned pussy hound like Leo. Leo probably arrived at Soho House, scanned the room like a booty-hunting T-1000, calculated a paltry pussy count of 80%, and promptly slapped Lukas Haas across the face while screaming “80? 80? WHERE’S THE OTHER 20?!?”
Obviously there were no cameras allowed inside Leo’s birthday party, but here are some of the non-model guests leaving last night, including sexy humanoid Eggo waffle Jonah Hill, Joel Edgerton, and vinegar-based life-form Adam Levine:
Chelsea Handler isn’t the kind of bitch to miss out on an opportunity to show her ass (and I mean that in more ways than one), so she used that cover of Paper Magazine (or as you call it, The Cover That Your Motherfucking Not Right Ass Won’t Stop Hitting My Eyes With) as an excuse to Instagram a selfie of her nalgas. Chelsea continued to fight for her right to show her nakedness on Instagram and posted a picture of the ass that Jennifer Aniston does tequila shots off of when they’re partying in Cabo. Chelsea also let everyone know that her ass is all-natural and hasn’t been touched by a Photoshop tool or a jumbo syringe full of clear soil jelly. It truly is National Make An Ass Out Of Yourself Day.
Can you believe more than 2 ass can fit on the same screen? Guess which one’s real. Your move, instagram.
Chelsea slapped at Instagram, because when she posted a picture of her bare tits next to Putin’s bare tits, they took it down three times. Chelsea queefed up the picture of her nipples again today and asked Instagram why it’s okay for a certain fame whore to post her naked body, but it’s not okay for her to do it.
Just so I’m clear, Instagram…it’s ok to use nudity to sexualize yourself on your site, but not to make a joke? I’m just so confused.
Chelsea probably secretly wishes that Instagram will keep taking her pictures down so she can rebel against them by showing us more of her naked ass body, but I’m all for her #FREETHECRACK campaign if she gets hos whose asses I actually want to see to join the fight with her. I’m talking to you, Anderson Cooper, Prince Hot Ginge, Idris Elba, Carrot Top, ASkars and literally anybody besides Kummy Kakes and Chelsea.
Cut to a $748 antique glass syringe filled with organic botulinum toxin sitting on an imported Italian marble counter in the guest house bathroom at Castle Goopskull throwing 50 CC’s of side-eye in Goopy’s general direction.
Snobby unsalted soda cracker Gwyneth Paltrow recently spoke to Stylist (via Daily Mail) about her beauty routine (“FINALLY!!!” – screamed every woman desperate to know the secret to looking like a greasy dehydrated parsnip chip), and naturally the conversation turned to getting older and wrinklier and shit. While some of her peers are pawning their Oscars for the down-payment on a high-end commercial wrinkle steamer, Gwyneth says she doesn’t notice that stuff. DUH! Goopy would NEVER bother with something as pedestrian as aging!
“I know it’s a cliché, but I really do subscribe to the ‘age gracefully’ thing. I’d rather die than be studying my face. I just brush my teeth and try to get dressed and get everyone up. I don’t tend to wear much make-up either. I like my wrinkles and you know, I like what I see.”
Meanwhile, her wrinkled-up butt hole is screaming in excruciating pain from having to pass so much partially-digested lemongrass and raw chia seed brittle. Pray 4 butt hole.
But I don’t know if I’m entirely convinced that Gwyneth is all about aging gracefully. The Goopy I know would harvest the eyelashes from the last remaining flat-footed cashmere desert fox or drinking virgin alien blood if it meant looking 3 minutes younger. I guess the only way to tell will be to wait 30 years and see what Goopy’s face looks like at 70. Although I’m sure Adobe will have invented a real-life Photoshop program for human skin called “Aging Gracefully” by then. That clever corn broom – always finding a loop-hole!
Because Khloe Kartrashian is Pimp Mama Kris’ second hardest-whoring fame ho, she made sure that Kim Kartrashian’s greasy James and the Giant Peach ass didn’t inhale all of the attention last night. Right before Kim Kartrashian’s BP oil spill ass suffocated the Internet and left greasy dingles all over our screens, Khloe Kartrashian scratched her LOOK AT ME spot (“Um, isn’t that trick one big giant LOOK AT ME spot?” – you) by Instagramming a meme that is older than the pentagram that PMK tattooed on her ass lips after solidifying her pact with the devil.
After King Koopa Kardashian shat up the joke that has been told a million times before, some of her Instagram followers screamed “RACIST!” and were shocked that a low-down dirty fame fucker whose demon heart feeds on attention would actually do something for attention. Once Khlozilla started getting hit with poop bombs of hate, she deleted her post, because she knew that someone already took a screen shot of it and a thousand blog posts would be written about it. I know, I fell for those whores’ tricks again!
The Slow One’s piece Scott Isadick also farted up the meme on Instagram and added the note “And a jew.” Unlike Khlozilla, Scott hasn’t taken it down.
Never mind the fact that this meme is outdated since the KKK redefined WTF by announcing that they want black, gay, jewish and hispanic members, I’m holding onto my crucifix tight and have my vat of holy water ready, because I know Pimp Mama Kris is going to try to top both of her hos. Khloe re-told an old KKK joke and Kim hit the Internet with her oily ass cheeks, so I fully expect PMK to “leak” a sex tape of her doing her man in a plastic pool full of lube while wearing a white hood.