If you’re the designated plate cleaner for Thanksgiving, Hanukkah or whatever, then take a few tips from this human dishwaser on speed. Snort a mountain of crushed Adderall (Note: If you’re not sure how much Adderall to snort, just ask yourself, “Could this paralyze a Lohan?” If the answer is no, keep snorting!), fill your insides with enough Red Bull to eat the meal digesting in your stomach bag, put on some current day Black Eyed Peas and get to scrubbing. (Playing the “music” of the Black Eyed Peas isn’t supposed to give you a beat to dance to while you scrub. It’s supposed to motivate you to work faster so you can finish and turn that awful shit off.)
Or you can just do what I do, serve all your meals on classic white Chinet paper plates (for ~special occasions~) and keep a plastic 44-gallon trash can near the table so hos can throw their shit into it right after they eat. Happy Thanksgivingukkah!
Jaleel White (37)
Alison Pill (28)
Sharlto Copley (40)
Samantha Harris (40)
Brooke Langton (43)
Michael Vartan (45)
Robin Givens (49)
Fisher Stevens (50)
Victoria Gotti (51)
Samantha Bond (52)
Caroline Kennedy (56)
William Fichtner (57)
Bill Nye (58)
Kathryn Bigelow (62)
James Avery (65)
So I guess Laura Prepon checked out of Orange is the New Black because her ass got a higher paying gig. Yeah, she’s going from one prison to another, but at least her new prison serves better food, has nicer sheets and John Travolta will serenade her with a show tune of her choice when she behaves.
Apparently, Scientology’s beloved prince Tommy Girl is really not going to make the same mistake again by getting a non-Scienologist for a wife, because it was a total drag when Katie Holmes screamed as they re-programmed her brain and then ran her ass off when he wanted to groom Suri to be the Child Empress of Scientology. So now he’s getting with his own kind. Grazia Magazine (via Independent) says that Tommy and fellow Scientologist Laura Prepon have known each for a long time, but he realized that she was beard material after seeing her in OITNB. An imprisoned woman really turns him on. They went on a couple of dates at a Scientology retreat called The Manor Hotel in L.A. and partied at Travolta’s house. Some source said this about Tommy’s new love and by “some source” I mean a Scientology publicist and by “this” I mean a press release written in bullshit:
“He had her picked up in a vintage car, knowing it was one of her favourite, and had pre-ordered a vintage bottle of 1979 merlot, which was on the table when she arrived. They spent three hours laughing and joking. It’s clear Tom is smitten and after the date he was on cloud nine. They had their second date at the restaurant too, meeting for Sunday brunch, and then she accompanied him a few days later to a dinner party at John’s [Travolta] home.
[Tom is] the happiest he has been since his divorce from Katie. Tom has known Laura for a few years now and they are all in the same social group that includes John Travolta and his wife Kelly Preston. He’s always been fascinated by her and, since seeing her in Orange Is the New Black, that has turned into an attraction. So he bit the bullet and asked her out.”
Let me fix those first three lines: “He had David Miscavige’s bitches drag her ass to the Celebrity Centre office and he had a pen waiting for her on the table when she arrived. They spent three minutes signing contracts. After the signing, Tommy celebrated by letting the boys in the Scientology bath house do shots of vintage barley wine out of his b-hole.” But really…
Every bride of Tommy Girl ended their contract with him when they were 33 and Laura Prepon is 33 now, so maybe he’s switching things up by starting a marriage when his beard is 33 instead of ending it when she’s 33. I for one am happy for Tommy Girl, because now he gets to buy higher heels. YES! Stomp in those stilettos while you’re working the red carpet with your new beard, Tommy!
So that is why I heard the faint sound of what I thought was Jennifer Aniston wailing out the words, “That bitch beat me to iiiiiiiiiiit,” from the West side.
The entire Vajazzle industry has collapsed into a heap of cracked rhinestones and crushed dreams, because Former Forever Aloner and professional fiancee Jennifer Love Hewitt has actually married an actual breathing, living man AND she also pushed out a baby friend today. As the makers of engagement rings silently weeped over losing their #1 customer for a while, JLove’s rep pooted out this statement to UsWeekly about her new daughter:
“Jennifer Love Hewitt and her husband Brian Hallisay are thrilled to announce the birth of their daughter. Autumn James Hallisay was born on November 26.”
Some source said that JLove and Brian got married on the down low recently. I’m actually surprised we found out about JLove getting married from her publicist, I mean, “a source.” I’m surprised that as soon as JLove and Brian signed that marriage certificate, a swarm of bedazzled locusts didn’t cover the planet and end our misery. As a bedazzled locust poked my eyes out, I’d think to myself, “Oh, I guess this means Jennifer Love Hewitt finally got married. CONGRATS!” That’s how I thought I would find out.
Brian and JLove met on that hand job show The Client List and the story goes that the show was canceled because the producers wanted to write his character off and she wanted to write her pregnancy into the show and make his part bigger. So now they’re married, have a new baby and can spend their days staring at each other’s faces since they’re both job-less for now.
And as for the name Autumn James, it sounds like a cross between the name of a 90s soft-core porn star and the sassy best friend character in a Danielle Steel book. I approve!
America’s Sweethearts Club: where sweethearts sit around on Ralph Lauren wool blankets wearing their boyfriend’s over-sized Abercrombie hoodies and drink non-fat pumpkin spice lattes (they can get them year-round because they have super-special Starbucks Sweetheart cards). Is there also an America’s Dirtbags Club? Where do Ke$ha and Tara Reid meet to scream at old episodes of Judge Judy on a busted couch and drink vanilla-cinnamon Baileys straight from the bottle? And also are they accepting new members (I’m asking for a friend).
In an interview with MTV, Julia Roberts reminded anyone who forgot that she’s the HBIC as she spoke candidly about our favorite current inductee into the American Sweethearts Club, Jennifer Lawrence:
MTV’s Josh Horowitz mentioned that Lawrence had recently joined the group of America’s sweethearts, to which Roberts pondered, “How many are there of us?”
As to Lawrence herself, Roberts commented, “She shoots flaming arrows. Is this a new cupid tactic?” Horowitz questioned if Roberts wasn’t “voting yes” for Lawrence to join “the club,” prompting Roberts to explain, “My card is expired and I didn’t get a new one.”
Roberts continued, “I think she’s fabulous,” before trailing off, saying, “but she doesn’t seem … she seems cooler than …” Horowitz clarified, “Oh, she’s too cool to be a sweetheart,” to which Roberts added, “Right?”
We’re all familiar with that feeling, Julia. It’s when you’re asked about someone you, to put it frankly, do not care for, but you can’t reply with the truth (“Who gives a shit?“) so you fumble over a bunch of say something nice words and it still comes across as insincere.
But she doesn’t get off that easy; her response still makes her sound like a bitter meanie. Too cool? Come on Julia; the title of America’s Sweetheart isn’t something you need to fight to the death over like you’re in the damn Thunderdome (two men enter, one man leaves!) Just reply “She sure is!” with a fake-ass smile and keep on promoting that Oscar-bait of a film, August: Osage County.
And that’s the most eloquent way I can talk about Julia Roberts. Up top isn’t even what I really wanted to say; my first draft was just this pic repeated 12 times:
Prince Hot Ginge grew a beautiful beard for his trek to the South Pole and it’s more calming than a flaming Duraflame and more warm than a hug from a friendly Grizzly Bear. What I’m saying is that I want to put Prince Hot Ginge in my fireplace and roast my nalgas on his fire beard – Lainey Gossip
And as Joey Fatone danced in his pajamas next to Bethenny Frankelstein, he softly cursed Justin Timberlake for not having to do stupid crap like this for relevancy – Jezebel
Miley who? Trace Cyrus proves that he’s truly the most photogenic Cyrus by killing it in a photo shoot with Kate Upton – The Superficial
Pimp Mama Kris is going to have to get another money-making scheme for the Kimye wedding, because that White House crasher chick and the dude from Journey stole her pay-per-view idea – Celebitchy
One time I was walking my dog in Brooklyn and Krysten Ritter asked me for a shit bag and there’s my Krysten Ritter story and here she is in a bikini – Drunken Stepfather
“I don’t agree if she has cancer or not” is the latest dingle of stupid that fell out of Alec Baldwin’s mouth and got him fired from MSNBC – Towleroad
While Miley Cyrus is feeling herself, her coochie can longer feel itself since it’s been paralyzed from being suffocated by all those latex granny panties – Hollywood Tuna
Kenya Moore thinks that Phaedra Parks should smell Apollo’s dick – Reality Tea
And here’s Sarah Silverman and her big Jewish tits (her words) – Popoholic
Hot pieces in uniform alert! – The Berry
Sandra Bullock is still single (sorry for the stab to the heart for you crazy bitches who still think she and George Clooney should get together full-time) – ICYDK
Light the candles, pass me the joint and put on something flowy, because Mazzy Star is back - OMG Blog
Frankie Muniz had another stroke – HuffPo
Here’s the Independent Spirit Award nominations – Just Jared
Bon Jovi, Taylor Swift and Prince William sang “Livin’ on a Prayer” together. That really might’ve been the whitest thing I’ve ever typed – Popsugar
Did Roseanne Barr and Rosie O’Donnell hack Charlie Sheen’s Twitter and write a poem together? – Videogum
And I still would – Pajiba
Megan Fox’s face is back on the Jocelyn Wildenstein Expressway - Moe Jackson
Nobody will make your eyelashes get moist during a “Wrecking Ball” parody like La Vampy does, but the bearded beauty of Chatroulette is trying it. The lost Kardashian (and the best Kardashian) who made nipples throb with his Chatroulette performance of “Call Me Maybe” is back to entertain users with his sultry moves and furry sex appeal. If you only focus on the right side of the screen, it looks like a scene from The Hobbit porn parody. It’s pure, raw emotional SEX.
And I feel like Chatroulette is a total fantasy land, because people have told me that every time they go all they get are close-up shots of dicks. So when I went for the first time, I was expecting a whole lot of peen and maybe a lip-synching bearded beauty here and there. But all I got was a group of chicks running away from the screen for dear life. I don’t know if me being naked, covered in Crisco and ready to go had anything to do with that or not.
The Daily Telegraph says that the man who used to brush Duchess Kate’s hair a thousand times with a sterling silver brush every night and condition her locks with the sperm of William the Conquerer that’s kept in a jar in the dungeon has been fired for treason! James Pryce did Duchess Kate’s mane on her wedding day and he also traveled with her during her tour through North America. When James Pryce started to get attention for handling Kate’s hair, he left the Richard Ward salon and went on his own. James Pryce thought he was going to be the Chaz Dean of Britain (yes, I just admitted to staring at Chaz Dean’s gorgeous lion face on QVC), but bitch got a heavy blast of royal reality to the face when he was dropped by Duchess Kate for tweeting and Facebooking about her. Some source said:
“When he went solo and tried to tour around the USA – he launched a Facebook page and Twitter account which featured hundreds of pictures of Kate and her various hairstyles to promote his business – obviously, that did not go down too well with the Palace at all. Richard Ward still cuts Kate’s hair and she has her colour done at the salon.”
James should’ve known that he is nothing but a peasant and should never ever throw up a picture of a royal on his Facebook page without asking. Posting a picture of a royal without their permission is only okay if you’re THE QUEEN and the picture is of a drunk Duchess Kate passed out on the couch with the words “MY BITCH” written on her forehead with black eyeliner. Posting a picture of a royal without their permission is also okay if the picture is of a naked Prince Hot Ginge and the wall you’re posting it on is my wall.
We all know the real reason James was fired was because he let Duchess Kate go outside with grey hairs! THE QUEEN did not stand for that and demoted James to the position of Camilla’s private hairstylist and he’ll have to cut her pube bush into the shape of Prince Charles’ profile for the rest of his career! That will teach him.
Continuing their storied tradition of respectful, empowering, thought-provoking awareness ads (today’s weather forecast: 4-6 inches of sarcasm) PETA has collaborated with Chilli from TLC in a campaign calling people to boycott the circus. While I can’t speak for how cruel circuses are (I haven’t watched a Dateline NBC special on it yet. Once Keith Morrison narrates it, I’m there), I can assume that lions and elephants aren’t exactly hanging around Africa thinking: “Oh boy! I hope that one day a failed model will make me balance on a stool as creepy calliope music leaves emotional scars on children for years to come! Get me in that cage!”
Chilli got done-up in tiger-striped body paint and posed in a pile of hay (my allergies just went from 0-90) to raise awareness for tigers and mostly for the misuse of Photoshop. Won’t somebody PLEASE think of the overworked graphic artists?!?
However, there’s so much WTF going on here, it’s really difficult to focus on the message. For instance, what the hell is going on with that out-of-control left eye? Did somebody just say out-of-control left eye?! NO! I refuse to make that joke; I’d break the servers with all the emails I’d get. It’s difficult for me to learn about tigers who want to escape the circus when all I can do is focus on that eye trying to escape her face. This ad doest make me want to save animals from the circus; it makes me want to save Chilli. This ad looks like it was pulled from the back of a free weekly newspaper promoting weird safari-themed sex clubs. Tip: don’t Google safari-themed sex club.
Here’s TLC and Left Eye’s stand-in Lil Mama abusing white pants waring the worst of Jo-Ann Fabrics at the AMAs on Sunday night.
(Pics via Wenn)
While Skeletor snacks on deep fried unicorn balls as he lounges in his luxurious lair in Snake Mountain, his first ex-wife and their children are living like poors (read: normal people) in a total dump (read: probably a totally normal apartment) in the Valley! Marc Anthony’s ex-wife, former Miss Universe Dayanara Torres, is ONLY getting a measly $13,000 a month in child support to take care of their two sons and now she’s asking for more numbers to be added to her monthly check. Dayanara (or “Dayarrhea” as Skeletor’s business manager is probably calling her) wants $113,000 a month.
TMZ says that Dayanara filed court documents claiming that while they were going through their divorce, Skeletor played the broke card and acted like he was having money problems so he wouldn’t have to pay her that much in child support. The week his divorce from Dayanara was finalized, he bought JLo a $4 million engagement ring. Dayanara claims that $113,000 isn’t shit to Skeletor, because he makes at least $1.25 million a month and pays multi-millionaire JLo a lot in child support.
Dayanara also claims that her sons spend more time with their Marc Anthony action figure than they do with him. Sometimes months go by without them seeing their dad. Dayanara really laid the dramatics on thick when she wrote in the documents that Skeletor does buy his sons a bunch of toys for Christmas, but their apartment is so small and some of the toys are so big that they can’t play with them.
One of the boys is special needs and that’s another reason why she wants a bigger check every month.
I don’t have any human children, so I have no idea, but it seems like $156,000 a year is more than enough to raise two kids. I know it was a million years ago, but my mom raised two kids by herself with a lot less cash than that. But in Dayanara’s defense, she lives in L.A. and you can easily blow your monthly child support check on one visit to Whole Foods.
Is Dayanara ridiculous for asking for an almost 1000% raise? Yes. By “child support” does Dayanara really mean “MEandmychildren support?” Probably yes, but I will always support a #getmoneybitch kind of a ho. Besides, Skeletor can afford it since his expenses are really low. Skeletor doesn’t buy food because he gets all his nourishment from sucking the pristine breath out of virgins and all those fancy jewels he wears he stole from the vault in Castle Grayskull.