Entertainment Weekly posted the first pictures of Charlie Hunnam as King Arthur (seen above as a constipated King Arthur) in Guy Ritchie’s Knights of the Round Table: King Arthur, which also stars Jude Law, Eric Bana and Djimon Hounsou. Your dream came (among other things) true today if your #1 fantasy is seeing Jax from Sons of Anarchy as a traveling Ren Faire security guard. Entertainment Weekly decided to go with the headline “Charlie Hunnam is King Arthur,” but I would’ve gone with something a little more elegant like “Charlie Hunnam Will Put His Sword In Your Stone.”
And I really hope that Guy Ritchie does the right thing as a human and filmmaker by shooting a scene where the camera pans in on King Arthur’s humping ass as he does Sir Lancelot in a barn. Not only will it sell more tickets (since Charlie Hunnam’s humping ass will always sell more tickets), but it’s a historically accurate moment. I saw it in the documentary about Camelot titled Knights of the Round Anus (I wish a gay porn parody like that existed.)
The last time I wrote about the trials and tribulations of Kelly Rutherford’s messy international custody fight, a judge in Monaco rejected a California judge’s order which gave her the right to bring her children, Hermes and Helena, back to the US. The judge in Monaco ruled that the California judge can’t decide shit since they don’t have jurisdiction over the case. As everyone knows by now since this story has been dragged out for years, Hermes and Helena currently live in Monaco with their dad and Kelly’s German citizen ex-husband Daniel Giersch. Daniel can’t live in the US, because his Visa was revoked. His Visa was revoked after someone in Kelly’s legal team reported his company’s alleged shady ways to the State Department. Kelly has always denied that. Since the last time I wrote about this mess, Kelly was able to bring her children to NYC for the summer. But summer may end early, because there’s a chance she’ll have to send them back to Monaco.
Kandi Burruss, one of the only ones on The Real Housewives of Atlanta who has at least an ounce of reason in her brain, is growing a fetus in her kandi-koated uterus. Kandi and her gold digging husband Todd Tucker (copyright: Mama Joyce) announced that she’s pregnant with their first baby together. I’m sure that as soon as Todd’s elf nut knocked Kandi up, Andy Cohen magically appeared in a cloud of smoke and in his hand was a contract for their now show, “Kandi’s Having A Baby.”
Kandi has a 12-year-old daughter named Riley and Todd has an 18-year-old-ish daughter named Kaela. Kandi and Todd gave the news to E! News:
“We’re so thrilled to announce the news of our bundle of joy, it’s a dream come true. Our daughters, Kaela and Riley, couldn’t be happier about becoming big sisters.”
But what does Mama Joyce have to say? That’s what I want to know. I can already see Mama Joyce throwing that baby a, “Kandi could’ve bought me a new toaster oven instead of buying you that toy,” look while watching them play. That baby better learn how to behave real fast, because anybody who watches that show knows that Mama Joyce is an abuelita who doesn’t play around and has a black belt in
chancleta shoe wielding.
The good news is that George Clooney is taking a quick break from telling the world that he loves Amal Clooney more than Kanye loves Kanye, more than White Oprah loves an open bar, more than John Travolta’s prostate loves a good rubdown, etc… etc… The bad news is that George Clooney has handed the baton over to a supposed friend named Kathy Lette (more like, “Kathy Lette’s Not”) who laid it on so thick that you will need to put on a snorkel mask before reading or else you’ll drown in the verbal cheese vomit she spews out.
While Nicki Minaj explained on Instagram that the shit she said about the MTV VMA nominations wasn’t about Taylor Swift, and Katy Perry tried to slap down Tay with a tweet that read like it was written by a drunk spambot with untreated Dyslexia, Ed Sheeran came to the defense of the singing prairie scarecrow.
Ed, who I guess is the reverse Anybodys of Tay Tay’s all-girl gang, tells Australia’s The Daily Telegraph that Taylor is not in the wrong at all and Nicki doesn’t know what she’s talking about since Beyonce, who is not built like a tetherball pole, was nominated for Video of the Year. Here’s Ed trying to get enough gold stars from Tay to move up ranks in her squad:
“I think everyone knows that Taylor has done nothing wrong in that situation. She didn’t nominate herself for the awards. It’s not her fault, she just made some good videos and people think they’re good. And I think the Minaj point is a bit redundant, her point is that you have to be skinny and white to get a video of the year nomination but Beyonce’s 7/11 is in there and that is celebrating the female figure in every form.”
BUT WAIT! Ed tweeted to Buzzfeed UK that what The Daily Telegraph posted is not really what he meant.
“That’s taken out of context and not what I was saying was redundant at all. I was making a point about body image and not race, whilst sticking up for a mate, I definitely said it wrong though, apologies.”
I took Ed’s first statement as: “Listen, I want her to fuck me one day, so I’m just going to back her up no matter what.” I took Ed’s second statement as: “Shit, they’re turning on me now. ABORT! ABORT!”
But I still expect the other members of Tay Tay’s mob to jump into the ring for her ass. Lena Dunham will write an 8,000 word think piece where she’ll only talk about the Nicki and Taylor thing for a couple of paragraphs before going on and on about the time she fucked herself with a remote control while watching Hoobastank perform at the ’04 VMAs. Jaime King will prove her allegiance to Taylor by naming her son Nick E. Ismeen. And Lourde won’t do anything public. She’ll just cast a black magic spell against Nicki and Katy in her lair in a Hot Topic storage room.
UPDATE: Taylor tweeted an apology to Nicki today. I guess she finally let someone in her PR team take over:
I thought I was being called out. I missed the point, I misunderstood, then misspoke. I'm sorry, Nicki. @NICKIMINAJ
— Taylor Swift (@taylorswift13) July 23, 2015
Aaaaand Nicki forgave her:
That means so much Taylor, thank you. @taylorswift13 ❤️❤️❤️
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) July 23, 2015
But right after Nicki hugged Taylor, she went over to Katy and hugged her while whispering the words, “I hate that bitch too,” in her ear.
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) July 23, 2015
Damn, Fifty Cent wasn’t lying when he said he was broke. Bastard can’t even afford a blowup doll. – Tom Hardy’s Proctologist
I always wondered about the “beyond” in Bed, Bath, and Beyond. – Jade
Pic: The Weird Wide Web
I’m typing this while heading over to wherever I need to go to hand over my US citizenship, because I didn’t watch Sharknado 3 last night. I am obviously a sad excuse for an American and I obviously lied all those times when I said the pledge allegiance and also pledged allegiance to watching all shark-themed SyFy movies. But I’m going to try to right my wrong by making an important shark in Hollywood history HSOTD.
Jabberjaw was a Hanna-Barbera cartoon from the 1970s. It was a whole lot of Scooby-Doo, a touch of the Flinstones and some Josie and the Pussycats. Jabberjaw was a great white shark who breathed in air, could talk, could walk on his back fins, was kind of a dumbass and he played the drums in a band called The Neptunes with a bunch of human teens who lived in an underwater city. It’s nice to know that just like the 80s, every single cartoon creator was as high as high can be while coming up with ideas in the 70s. The Neptunes would also travel to other underwater cities and take down evil sea creatures.
Jabberjaw was on TV before my mom said “oops” after the doctor told her she was knocked up again, but I’ve watched a couple of episodes on YouTube. Jabberjaw was basically Scooby Doo trapped in a shark’s body and his voice was modeled after Curly from The Three Stooges, but he sounded more like a butcher Mike Tyson to me. It’s really time for Jabberjaw to make a comeback. If the producers of Sharknado care about educating the public about important sharks in history, they’ll make Jabberjaw the star of Sharknado 4.
Woody Harrelson (54)
Daniel Radcliffe (26)
Tristan MacManus (33)
Paul Wesley (33)
Michelle Williams (35)
Tom Parker (38)
Stephanie March (41)
Kathryn Hahn (42)
Monica Lewinsky (42)
Marlon Wayans (43)
Alison Krauss (44)
Charisma Carpenter (45)
Stephanie Seymour (47)
Eriq La Salle (53)
Lydia Cornell (62)
Edie McClurg (64)
Yesterday, Lifetime released the cast photo for their unauthorized behind-the-scenes Beverly Hills, 90210 movie and it was like I was transported back to 1990. The cast looked exactly like the original cast and by that I mean not at all. Well, Lifetime is also doing a Melrose Place movie and the cast photo for that is just as messy. They also released names of the actors and I’m going to try to match who plays who:
In the white dress looking like she has to piss: Sandy Louise Harding/Amy Locane (played by Lanie Mcauley)
In the clearance bin Miley wig: Jane Mancini/Josie Bissett (played by Chloe McClay)
With his chest out looking like he’s posing in an ad for a drugstore cologne: Jake Hanson/Grant Show (played by Ryan Bruce)
In the black dress sitting: Sydney Andrews/Laura Leighton (played by Chelsea Hobbs)
In the vest looking like a rejected Jonas Brother: Billy Campbell/Andrew Shue (played by Frank Bailey)
Thirsty weave trying her best to throw a bitchface: Amanda Woodward/Heather Locklear (played by Ciara Hanna)
Blondie next to thirsty weave: Matt Fielding/Doug Savant (played by Joseph Coleman)
Chipper girl sitting: Allison Parker/Courtney Thorne-Smith (played by Rebecca Dalton)
Sitting below chipper girl thinking to herself, “The hell am I doing?“: Rhonda Blair/Vanessa A. Williams (played by Karissa Tynes)
In ruffled top looking like she’s letting out a real slow, sneaky queef: Kimberly Shaw/Marcia Cross (played by Teagan Vincze)
Black blazer with a hairline that’s trying to run away from his eyebrows: Michael Mancini/Thomas Calabro (played by Brandon Barash)
Black shiny shirt: Jo Reynolds/Daphne Zuniga (played by Ali Cobrin)
Also, Dan Castellaneta from The Simpsons is playing Aaron Spelling. The Beverly Hills, 90210 movie will air on October 3rd and the Melrose Place movie will air exactly a week later.
It looks like the casting people just waltzed into an Applebee’s and randomly picked people to play the parts as fast as they could so they could get on with their 3 martini lunch. “You’re white. You can play Billy!” I look more like Jane Mancini than the actress playing Jane Mancini does. But you know, I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s a Lifetime movie. I want community theater wigs, acting that makes Megan Fox look like Tilda Swinton and actors who look absolutely nothing like the person they’re playing. I want that shit to be a wreck from top to bottom. And judging by that picture, it looks like the Melrose Place movie is well on its way.
If you need a comparison, here’s one of the original cast photos (some people are missing, obviously):
“What is everyone looking at? Why isn’t everyone paying attention to me?” – Taylor Swift, as always
In case you haven’t been following the most important news of the year, if not century, Nicki Minaj tweeted out a bunch of words on Twitter last night about “Anaconda” getting snubbed (reminder: all of this drama over the fucking VMAs), body image and racism in the music industry. At one point, the human Nermal, Taylor Swift, thought Nicki was talking about her and injected herself into it. Taylor thought it was very unlike Nicki to pit women against women. A field of side-eyes hit Taylor over that tweet since “Bad Blood” is obviously about how she hates Katy Perry, because Katy Perry stole one of her dancers or something dumb like that. Well, Katy Perry decided to jump on in and give us the sequel to her “Regina George in sheep’s clothing tweet” by squirting out this tweet that nearly melted my brain:
Finding it ironic to parade the pit women against other women argument about as one unmeasurably capitalizes on the take down of a woman…
— KATY PERRY (@katyperry) July 22, 2015
I know this is rich coming from me, but WUT? Katy was also in a feud with punctuation and sense when she wrote that shit. What Katy Perry is trying to say is that Taylor is accusing someone of “pitting women against women” while she counts all the cash she made from a song that takes down another woman. I’m sure Tay Tay will subtweet a response as soon as she comes up with something other than, “Ewww, shut up, you have cankles.”
But really, the only two things missing from this “feud” are Courtney Love and a flying compact. She’ll shut this shit down. Or make it worse. Either or.