June was Pride Month, so if you don’t vote for one of the two burgeoning gay icons in this Hot Slut of the Month showdown, you’re a homophobic piece of trash and may a rainbow never appear before your ugly gay-hating eyes again. Just kidding, everyone in June’s HSOTM contest is a burgeoning gay icon from the wigged blossom of wonder to the puppy who got to pound on a hot Spanish cop to the white Canadian Tandi Iman Depree to gay Twitter hero Veronica Recinos. And yes, “burgeoning” was on my word of the day app. And yes, when you say it out loud it sounds like the phrase you use while getting fucked by Tom Bergeron.
As always, the first three HSOTM finalists got the most Facebook likes for the month. The fourth was picked by me. Your choices for June are:
Mark Kanemura, the human wig dispenser who splatters rainbow glitter onto the eyes of his Instagram followers by busting out a one-man Carly Rae Jepsen-backed Pride Parade float.
Officer Poncho, the police dog from Madrid who killed people with his cuteness and then brought them back to life with his impeccable and next-level CPR skills.
The Canadian Bonnie Parker, the alleged criminal from Alberta who became an overnight internet star after twirling out a ballet de buffoonery move when she fall out of the ceiling of a convenience store while trying to get away from the cops.
Veronica Recinos, the Los Angeles-area realtor who doesn’t only sells houses but also sells theatrical drama in YouTube videos where she lets you know that she’s going to show YOU how to be a homeowner.
Voting is below. The winning HSOTM will be crowned this Monday!
I can’t even do so much as buy a pack of gum at a CVS one neighborhood over without the Visa powers-at-be calling me multiple times to make sure that wasn’t a fraudulent charge on my prepaid Visa Vanilla with a $10 limit. I’m kidding, it’s a $20 limit. Because of that, I’m taking this story with a heavy dose of side-eye, but I guess someone got ahold of Demi Moore’s American Express, and the security team at AmEx took the month off because they managed to rack up over $169,000 in charges over several weeks at places like Saks Fifth Avenue before getting caught. Winona Ryder, what’s your alibi, girl? Continue reading
It looks like Selena Gomez has started her first round of recent ex-girlfriend going out shopping in front of paparazzi strolls. Congrats to her. After an ex gets engaged it’s good to see a young female celebrity peel herself off her bedroom floor long enough to phone a paparazzi and act surprised when they show up outside. Stay strong Selener!
UsWeekly is reporting that Selena went out in NYC wearing a t-shirt with a message, a message meant for one ex-boyfriend: Justin Bieber. As you know and care, he just got engaged to Hailey Baldwin over the weekend and no one has shut the fuck up about it since. Well Selena had enough of refreshing her Twitter feed reading the positing messages on the #SelenaIsFreeParty hashtag that her mother probably started and decided she had to go out. And out she went. Continue reading
After much initial secrecy, a dramatic live TV pregnancy reveal, and a half-naked Rolling Stone cover, the day has finally come. Cardi B and her not-so-secret husband Offset are parents of a baby girl. TMZ says it happened last night at an Atlanta, Georgia hospital. They don’t say what the birth was like, so it’s up to me to interpret what happened. And of course I’m picturing the hospital halls being filled with the sounds Cardi busting out some Lamaze-style breathing techniques mixed with vocal trills, while Offset shouts random ad-libs like “Baby,” “Crowning,” and “That’s a lotta goo.”
This is 25-year-old Cardi’s first child, while 26-year-old Offset also has two sons, Jordan and Kody, and a daughter Kalea from previous relationships. Cardi confirmed the news herself on Instagram with picture from what appears to be Beyoncé’s pregnancy photo shoot (minus the clothing budget), and let everyone know the baby’s birth date and the baby’s name. Please welcome to the world, little Kulture Kiari Cephus.
To decode that name a little, Kiari is is Offset’s first name and Cephus is his last name (Kiari Kendrell Cephus). Kulture is…who even knows. It could be Cardi’s way of paying homage to Offset’s rap group Migos, whose second and third album were titled Culture and Culture II. Or maybe it’s not even pronounced like culture, but Koal-tyure, like couture. Nope, it’s probably just straight-up Kulture. Whatever the reason or pronunciation behind it, you know the Kardashians are mad as hell and have already spoken to their lawyers. There goes the perfect name for a yogurt brand launch, and just think of the tasteless, semen-y looking ad campaign that could have been.
When you’re a bargain bitch like me, the Holy Grail is the big box behemoth known as Costco. You can usually find me (and Miss Tina Knowles) spending Saturdays pretending to peruse the aisles of 108-count toilet paper, power tools, and lawn furniture as I steadily make my way to the back just in time to hit up snacking primetime: the afternoon glut of free samples. Nothing makes an afternoon right like an array of vendors hawking free fruit snacks, smoked salmon, and orange juice (anyone wanna make out?) than washing it all down with the cheap treats at the Costco Café.
For less than $2, you can munch on a polish sausage and a soft drink the size of an oil drum before throwing it all away and heading back into the light with no evidence remaining of your hidden little secret. At least, that’s what I used to be able to do: the powers-at-be at Costco are now out to murder a fun weekend by getting rid of the Eastern European meat and go healthy, and even the CEO doesn’t sound pleased by it! Continue reading
Sarah Palin, America’s unofficial mascot of the “I wanna speak to the manager” set, seems to pride herself on being a real no-nonsense, straight-shooting, human bullshit detector. Except that she clearly isn’t. Sarah recently admitted that she was bamboozled by a disguised Sacha Baron Cohen for his upcoming Showtime series, Who is America?. A better title might be Who in America is Still Getting Tricked by Sacha Baron Cohen 12 Years After Borat? The answer is Sarah Palin is. And she’s super-duper gosh-darn peeved-off about it.