Night Crumbs

June 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Panty Creamer of the Night: Aaron Taylor-Johnson is in Flaunt Magazine looking like a hot high-as-fuck hippie who did peyote in the desert and spent the next 4 hours staring at his ass cheeks while wondering how they got there – Lainey Gossip 

Cameron Diaz is taking time off to have a baby and she’s not taking any of the ten million offers thrown at her from producers who were so blown away by her Oscar-worthy performances in Annie and Sex TapeCelebitchy

Tami “It Wasn’t Not Funny” Roman is knocked up even though she has said before that she doesn’t want anymore kids. But I guess when the possibility of a Vh1 spin-off series calls, you gotta take it – Reality Tea 

Amanda Seyfried tries to work the Predator look – Drunken Stepfather

Another day, another set of pictures of Kummy Kakes looking like an over-filled alien blow-up doll caught in a net – The Superficial 

Ruby Rose wants to rub her coochie against Taylor Swift’s Barbie doll crotch – IDLYITW

Bobby Jindal’s announcement video is a thing of creepy, weird Candid Camera fuckery – Towleroad

Talking clump of baboon taint hair, Donald Trump, is threatening to sue Univision for dropping the Miss USA pageant because of the dumb shit that fell out of his anus of a mouth – Jezebel

This Marilyn Monroe wax figure needs more work – Hollywood Tuna 

I hope Dustin Cubic Zirconia’s cell mate is into getting Dirty Sanchez’d – Just Jared

MiserAlba’s pants: I think I had a pair just like that when I was 8 – Popoholic

Howard Stern is done with Talent  – SOW

Jason Lee’s ex-wife confirms that yes, Scientology is a nightmare and Jenna Elfman is a crazy bitch – Pajiba

Grab a plate, and get yourself several servings from the Excuse My Beauty buffet – The Berry 

How the mighty douches have fallen… – HuffPo

“I’m dropping a royal fart on your back” is probably what Prince George is thinking in that picture – Popsugar

Pic: Flaunt

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Bristol Palin Is Knocked Up Again

June 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Permanent resident of the soap box Bristol Palin must have been too busy whooping bitches at snowmobiles parties and judging tricks left and right to learn about condoms, birth control pills, Mirena and the “finish on my thigh” method, because another unexpected visitor moved into her uterus recently. A month after canceling her wedding to that Dakota Meyer dude, 24-year-old Bristol announced on her blog today that soon she’ll be holding another baby in one arm while drunkenly beating a bitch at a party with the other arm. Bristol seems really happy about it too!

Unlike your friends on Facebook who cream out of every orifice about being knocked up, Bristol doesn’t seem that into it and she also didn’t say who the father is. Since she practices abstinence, she probably tripped and fell on a raw dick. Bristol says that she’s keeping her chin implant up, she doesn’t want any lectures (says the full-time lecturer) and knows she can handle anything with dignity and grace (HA!).

(I’m announcing this news a lot sooner than I ever expected due to the constant trolls who have nothing better to talk about!!!)

I wanted you guys to be the first to know that I am pregnant.

Honestly, I’ve been trying my hardest to keep my chin up on this one.

At the end of the day there’s nothing I can’t do with God by my side, and I know I am fully capable of handling anything that is put in front of me with dignity and grace.

Life moves on no matter what. So no matter how you feel, you get up, get dressed, show up, and never give up.

When life gets tough, there is no other option but to get tougher.

Bristol goes on to ask for privacy even though we all know she doesn’t mean that.

I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you.

But please respect Tripp’s and my privacy during this time. I do not want any lectures and I do not want any sympathy.

My little family always has, and always will come first.

Tripp, this new baby, and I will all be fine, because God is merciful.

Sarah Palin hasn’t said anything about this yet. She’ll probably just release the same statement she released the first time Bristol got pregnant 6 years ago.

I know it’s too early to talk about names, but I really hope she names this one Fall. And well, Bristol’s new baby can look forward to having a grandma who will teach them about style and sophistication. Here’s some pictures I totally missed from January of Sarah Palin delivering massive amounts of “country star circa 1991″ glamour at some event with Ted Nugent in Las Vegas.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Open Post: Hosted By Quirky Jennifer Lawrence Being Quirky

June 25, 2015 / Posted by:

I’m on my own today, because Allison is out sick and by “out sick” I mean out getting day drunk at the beach since it’s above 60 in her part of Canada and that means SUMMERTIMES! Speaking of drunk, here’s America’s sweetheart (not to be confused with “the world’s” sweetheart Taylor Swift) Jennifer Lawrence putting on a CRAZY, ZANY AND FUN show for the paps outside of the Tribeca Nobu in NYC last night.

When you’re Jennifer Lawrence and the paps get pictures of your man walking arm in arm with Kylie Minogue, you show everyone that you no care by having the time of your life in front of the paps as everyone wonders, “Okay, but who is your newest hot bodyguard?” Jennifer hammed it up like a child beauty queen. She did some drunk model strut for the paps and also came out of Nobu with chopsticks hanging out of her mouth. (I’ll have to check my outrage manual later to see if that’s offensive toward Asians, walruses or both.) I’m surprised she also didn’t pull up her dress and fart while tripping, but she’s probably saving that move in case pictures came out of Chris Martin and Kylie holding hands during dinner.

Pics: Splash

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Rose McGowan Got Dropped By Her Agent For Shitting On Adam Sandler

June 25, 2015 / Posted by:

In news that is the direct opposite of “surprising,” Rose McGowan’s agency shredded her number and kicked her ass out of the exit door for calling out Hollywood’s sexist ways and professional shit maker Adam Sandler in a tweet. Last week, Rose tweeted a casting note for a movie starring an actor whose name rhymes with “Madam Panhandler” and the note asked for auditioning actresses to wear a dark, tight tank top that showed off their tits. The note also said that push-up bras were a plus. I know, the note really shocked us all, because I’m sure we all thought that actresses auditioning for an Adam Sandler movie were only asked to provide a diploma from Juilliard and to prepare three dramatic Shakespearean monologues.

Last night, Rose tweeted that dropping a fart on that casting note got her fired from her agency:

But according to Rose, she doesn’t need an agent anymore. In a batshit crazy interview with Defamer that was posted yesterday, she said that she’s done with acting and nobody represents her right now

“A lot of agents aren’t supportive of their talent in any way. Nobody’s understood how to represent me, which is why, other than film publicists, I currently have no representation other than my lawyer. I don’t need it.”

This whole thing is a little confusing. Rose tweeted that she got tossed onto the yellow inflatable exit slide (Never 4Get Steven Slater) last night (June 24). Defamer’s interview with Rose happened before June 24. The Wrap says that Rose was officially let go from her agency, Innovative Artists, on June 24, two days after her agent Sheila Wenzel left the agency. So either dates got mixed up or Rose learned psychic skills while being in that cult. I don’t know, but I do know that we’re probably never ever going to get a long-awaited (by me, and only me, probably) sequel to Jawbreaker, but yet Madam Panhandler still gets paid millions of dollars to squeeze out shit show after shit show. I blame my mom, really, because she once told me that her favorite movie of 2011 was Jack and Jill. Whenever she looks at me sideways for having another drink at dinner, I always say to her, “You told me you loved Jack and Jill. You drove me right to the bottle!

Courtney Love Lived To Tell The Tale Of Being Held Hostage In An Uber In Paris

June 25, 2015 / Posted by:

The most traumatic Uber experience I suffered through (Yes, I “suffered!”) was the time the driver played an Imagine Dragons song over and over again and sang along the entire time. Courtney Love’s most traumatic Uber experience happened today in Paris. Not only was it her scariest Uber experience, but it was the “scariest” experience of her life! She must’ve forgot about the times she saved a dying Kelly Osbourne’s life, looked at herself in the mirror while done up like this, etc…

Taxi drivers are currently protesting against Uber in France and Courtney found herself in the middle of it. In a series of posts on Instagram and Twitter, Courtney said that she was in an Uber coming from the airport when protesters surrounded the car and took her hostage for two hours. They hit the Uber she was in, as well as other Ubers, with metal bats and lit tires on fire.

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Ben Affleck Is The Reason Why PBS Suspended “Finding Your Roots”

June 25, 2015 / Posted by:

I’m sure we all have ancestors who have done stuff we’re embarrassed about. Hell, I have living relatives who have done stuff I’m embarrassed about (examples: wore socks with flip flops out in public, gave a fake name to a restaurant host because they thought it was cute, liked the “Entourage” page on Facebook, etc…). Well, when Ben Affleck discovered that the PBS show Finding Your Roots was going to include an embarrassing fact about his ancestors (the “embarrassing fact” being that they owned slaves), he whined, cried and asked them to cut that part out. Well, not only was that part cut out, but PBS has cut out the entire show, for now.

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Somebody Has Read “To Kill A Mockingbird”…….

June 25, 2015 / Posted by:

It wasn’t that long ago when Jennifer Love Hewitt was the human Miss Prissy and was so desperate for a husband that she’d bring an officiant, a wedding planner, a florist, an engagement ring and a wedding ring with her to a first date just in case. But then ole square bitches herself met her now husband Brian Hallisay while doing The Client List and she popped out their first kid, a daughter named Autumn James, in 2013. Well, 18 months after Autumn James (if that isn’t a Nicholas Sparks character name, I don’t know what is) checked out of her womb, JLove and her husband are parents again. The former Jennifer Aniston of basic cable and current stretch mark cream hawker gave birth to a son yesterday. JLove and Brian made it clear that they really love the letter A and really, really love James as a middle name. via People

Actress Jennifer Love Hewitt has welcomed her second child with her husband, actor Brian Hallisay.

Son Atticus James Hallisay arrived Wednesday, the actress’ rep confirms to PEOPLE.

Atticus James sounds like a line of antique bronze monocles sold exclusively at Preserve.us. It also sounds like the name of a craft beer sommelier at Brooklyn’s most popular animal-to-table (farm-to-table is so out) restaurant.

I don’t mind the name Atticus. It could be a lot, lot worse. But if JLove named her kid after a book she loved, I’m surprised she didn’t name him TheRules James Hallisay since I’m sure she read that mess a million times during her OHMYGAWDINEEDAMAN phase.

Pic: Palmer’s Cocoa Butter

 

Hot Slut Of The Day!

June 25, 2015 / Posted by:

James Huling, the hillbilly Asian from Big Brother 17!

The 17th season of Big Brother US happened last night and they really mixed shit up and went totally diverse when casting it. Ha. No, the Big Brother house is still filled to the top with a bunch of young, white people, but sprinkled in there is a black woman, a transgender woman and a miniature hillbilly Asian from South Carolina! James was adopted by a family of hillbillies in South Carolina, so he’s like an Asian dude who was possessed by the soul of a Duck Dynasty cast member (sans all that gay-hating trash, I think). He’s into hunting, fishing and camo.

James lives in Wichita Falls, TX now, has a kid and works in retail. Taylor Swift is his dream girl, so that should tell you everything you need to know about him. James kind of looks like my dad, but when he opens his mouth, he sounds like he’s voiced by Sugar Bear from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. I love it. I’m surprised TLC hasn’t given him a show. They probably looked at his background and said, “Eh, no major criminal record and seems mentally stable. NEXT!” But James does have a mug shot, which he got after he was arrested for contempt of family court in Sumter County, SC.

Big-Brother-17-Houseguests-Mugshots-Revealed-Ahead-of-Premiere-PHOTOS-James

Looking like he got attacked by bees while plastered.

And you probably didn’t read any of the words above, because you either went temporarily blind or your contacts caught on fire from looking at those CAMO CROCS on his feet. CAMO CROCS! Camo Crocs are like Satan’s caca drizzled with Satan’s vomit. CAMO CROS are my KNOTTY PINE! Maybe James is really, really smart and those camo Crocs are part of his strategy. Maybe he thinks that he if wears them all the time, their powers of fugness will make the others violently ill and they’ll have to leave the house. No, probably not. Besides, based on a few of the outfits worn last night, some of the houseguests probably think those camo Crocs are cute. Dark-sided!

Mug shot via Rickey.org

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Birthday Sluts

June 25, 2015 / Posted by:

George Michael (52)
Lauren Bush (31)
Rain (33)
La La Anthony (36)
Busy Phillips (36)
Linda Cardellini (40)
Angela Kinsey (44)
Jason Lewis (44)
Hunter Foster (46)
John Benjamin Hickey (52)
Ricky Gervais (54)
Anthony Bourdain (59)
Sonia Sotomayor (61)
Jimmie Walker (68)
Carly Simon (70)
June Lockhart (90)

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