— Herbal Elements (@HerbalColorado) April 12, 2014
If you haven’t already, now is the time to pack up everything of importance (in my case that would be a bag of Dortios and my collection of Rainbow Brite dolls) and move to Colorado, because once again have they earned the award for outstanding achievement in the field of stoner excellence by creating a vending machine that sells legal marijuana. Wait a second…what is this salty discharge leaking from my eyes? Oh god, am I crying?? Pass me a box of Kleenex, I think I’m having a moment.
According to The Cannabist, the ZaZZZ vending machine was created by American Green and is “an automated, age-verifying, climate-controlled marijuana dispensing machine.” One of the first ZaZZZ sightings has been at Montana’s Smokehouse in Avon, CO, which makes a ton of sense, since who wouldn’t want to get baked and eat a fuckload of pulled pork. And then eat a fuckload of ribs. And then take a nap. And then wake up from the dream you were having about a wonderful vending machine that sells weed and realize IT WASN’T A DREAM!!!
The ZaZZZ machine is a great idea because not everyone wants to be chatted up by a dude who looks Dave Gruber Allen when they’re buying the good shit, but I feel like it’s missing something, something that would make the weed vending machine even better. Oh, that’s right: a regular vending machine.
Typically when someone decides they want to start fucking with alternative shit, the first thing into the trash is deodorant, followed shortly after by shampoo, soap, toothpaste, and regular tampons (which are replaced with those weird sea sponges for your cooter). And since Shay-Lean Woodley is an out-and-proud nü-hippie, she definitely divorced her stick of Secret years ago. But according to Star Magazine, Shay-Lean might want to find some kind of organic wildflower to press between her pits, because things aren’t so great in there:
“Shailene rubs these essential oils all over her body, and they aren’t very welcoming scents,” a source told Star magazine. “Her smell is totally offensive, and it’s gotten so bad that her stylist is having a hard time borrowing designer outfits for her to wear because she makes the gowns stink!”
“There is absolutely no way to get that stench out of those expensive fabrics,” says the insider. “Designers don’t want their pieces back after Shailene is done with them!”
When Shay-Lean first started talking about how she’s a toothpaste-making berry-foraging vadge-sunning forest nymph, I made a little bet with myself (I have a gambling problem, whatever, acknowledge your demons) that she probably smelled like low-tide at the Jersey Shore, because there’s no way you can be down with the mother earth lifestyle and not have doo-doo pits. One time I had a weak moment in a health food store and I bought a stick of that crystal deodorant. I convinced myself that if I just gave my body time to adjust, I’d eventually smell like a beautiful summer sunset. Well, that crystal deodorant is a rock of LIES because I ended up reeking like a wet samsquanch. Forget the Wu-Tang Clan, hippie alternatives to deodorant ain’t nothing to fuck with.
Please open to page 345 in your Jared Leto Is Like So Whatever textbooks and take down the following notes on being totally cool, f’real chill, and [shrugs shoulders apathetically]. According to E! Online, The Dirtbag Jesus of Brooklyn was asked by Four Two Nine magazine if he and his brother, Shannon Leto (aka the Hot Topic version of Chaz Dean) would be verse to people defining them as ‘queer’, not in a sexual way but a cultural way:
Shannon: “I wouldn’t care.”
Brooklyn Dirtbag Jesus: ”I don’t think we’d care at all. We certainly identify with people who are different.”
At which point, people who are different came forward to admit that they’re still having trouble identifying with a rich, handsome 42-year-old Academy Award-winning actor who gets invited to Paris fashion shows and hangs out with Uncle Terry. And don’t tell Beyoncé that Jared is trying to own ‘queer’, because she’ll be super disappointed she didn’t discover it first.
Here’s more of His Royal Queerness proving just how relatable he is at Coachella by looking like if the Son of God was a runway model for a hipster Magnum P.I. fashion house:
And that, my friends, is the exact face one should make when they’re in the presence of one of Pimp Mama Kris’s Krotch Droppings. “I don’t care how much we paid for admission, we need to leave. Now. Seeing one of the babies means that the mother isn’t far behind.”
Friday marked the kick-off of the world’s largest hipster costume party, the Coachella Jorts and Selfies Festival in Indio, CA, and I guess all those $20,000 cheques cleared, because celebrities have started swarming Coachella like rats to an open dumpster behind KFC. Now, technically Coachella doesn’t officially begin until the arrival of the First Lady of Fauxhemia, Vanessa Hudgens. But since it usually takes her hours, even days, to get ready (it takes time to dry hump the 70s), she usually let’s them go ahead and start without her.
I know we’re less than 24-hours into this weekend-long Urban Outfitters commercial, but already Aaron Paul has won my heart by embracing the true spirit of Coachella. It’s not about $200 custom jorts or having the longest gauzy vest or the widest hat; it’s about dancing like nobody’s watching while rolling hard on shrooms:
Either Aaron Paul is higher than Jesse Pinkman after snorting a pound of blue crystal meth, or he’s working hard for that $15,000. Either way, I’ll be right back: I need to pray to a giant piece of New Age quartz that there’s a video somewhere of Aaron Paul dancing to Ellie Goulding all by himself in a little circle, because I need that in my life.
Here’s more hookers clickety-clacking along the Coachella stroll on Friday, including Selena Gomez (sans King Joffrey Bieber), Marla Hooch and The Model One (that sounds like an 80s cop show: Hooch & The Model) Joe Jonas and his girlfriend Basic Bitch Blanda, a rotten leftover from the refrigerator of 2005 and her sister Nicky Hilton, and Kellan Lutz, who if I had to guess, got paid $200 and a voucher to a taco stand:
Ready or Not, the 90s Canadian teen drama!
On one of the many occasions Michael K and I were hanging around the Dlisted water cooler (yes it’s a box of wine sitting on top of an empty Crystal Castle box) I started talking about the most important television show of any girl’s pre-teen years, Ready or Not, to which Michael responded with the blankest of stares, because I guess pledging your allegiance to Ready or Not is a Canadian person thing. And since I am a Canadian person, I’m the best person to take over Hot Slut today to talk about it (but also because I will go to my grave screaming “Ready or not…CAN’T WAIT ANOTHER DAY.”)
Back in the late 80s and early 90s, a bunch of Canadian health teachers must have gotten together and decided that the best way to teach kids about boners and periods and tongue-kissing was through low-budget television, thus shows like Degrassi Junior High, Degrassi High, Zardip’s Search for Healthy Wellness, and Ready or Not were born. Obviously, Degrassi Junior High is hands-down the best television show you’ll ever watch, but coming in at a very close second is Ready or Not. It was basically a bootleg Canadian knock-off of My So-Called Life about two best friends named Amanda Zimm and Busy Ramone dealing with boobs, periods, divorce, zits, and smoking cigarettes. Busy Ramone was an icon for Canada’s lil’ gayelles because she hated makeup, wore head to toe flannel (probably bought at Zellers), played drums like a pro, skateboarded, and generally rolled her eyes at girly shit. And Amanda was a hero to none, because she was fucking annoying.
Ready or Not was the most formulaic shit, but my 12-year-old ass didn’t care. I loved watching Amanda do something stupid, like getting peer pressured into spray painting a swear on her stepdad’s car or shoplifting printed turtlenecks from Northern Getaway (bitch, you have enough turtlenecks!) followed by Busy almost break the fourth wall with her eye-rolling, as if she was thinking ‘Can you believe this dumb bitch? Why are we friends?’
Nearly all the episodes are on YouTube, so I encourage you to try to watch as many episodes as you can before you start screaming “Goddamnit, are you fucking serious Amanda??” (my record is 3).
Claire Danes (35)
Saoirse Ronan (20)
Jessie James (26)
Brooklyn Decker (27)
Brendon Urie (27)
Brian McFadden (34)
Jennifer Morrison (35)
Marley Shelton (40)
Claudia Jordan (41)
Christina Moore (41)
Shannen Doherty (43)
Art Alexakis (52)
Magda Szubanski (53)
Vince Gill (57)
Andy Garcia (58)
Pat Travers (60)
David Cassidy (64)
Flavio Briatore (64)
David Letterman (67)
Ed O’Neill (68)
Herbie Hancock (74)
Pic: T Magazine
When Lohanthony screams, “Calling all the basic bitches,” this is what shows up. But really, let’s play a quick game of M/F/K. I’d marry Katie Holmes, because she has experience in bearding and I want to know all of Tommy Girl’s secrets. I’d fuck Jessica Biel, because you know she’s a power top and can work a strap-on. And I wouldn’t kill Kate Bosworth’s malnourished Enchanted Evening Barbie-looking ass, but I would feed her a few meals from Claim Jumper – Lainey Gossip
Nothing is sexier than Miley Cyrus looking like a wet, topless and drunk Hermey the Dentist – Drunken Stepfather
Aaron Carter just melted into a puddle of meth and sadness – Celebitchy
Whatshername from The Real Housewives of Orange County is knocked up – Reality Tea
I see that Alec Baldwin is staying retired from public life….. – Towleroad
So I guess we have a new Ireland Baldwin in RPattz’s one-time piece. Yay us. – The Superficial
Sarah Hyland modeling the outfit found in every Coachella starter kit – Hollywood Tuna
RIP Coldwater Creek! – Jezebel
Emma Stone looks good and everything, but I’ve never noticed Spiderman’s cum drop eyes before – Popoholic
We’ll be drowning in more Duggars real soon – IDLYITW
Minnie Driver quit Twitter over whores hating on her bikini body – ICYDK
And I’ll take #1 through #29 – The Berry
Drake tries to trick people into talking trash about Drake by disgusting himself in a Kevin Spacey wig and a face merkin (and he still looks like Drake) – HuffPo
Prince William and Duchess Kate are still working really hard during their tour of New Zealand – Popsugar
Personally, I prefer to freebase crotch crabs, but my drug tastes are more refined – OMG Blog
Oh, Lea Michele and that Grade F Barbra Streisand impersonation….. – Moe Jackson
RDJ joined Twitter. Everything has changed. – SOW
Brad Pitt looks hot again – Just Jared
Because Vh1′s Couples Therapy wouldn’t give them top billing, Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are whoring out their marriage woes in their own reality show for Lifetime whose title rhymes with “poo whorey.”
If you really want your front down low parts to shrivel up until they look like an overused sponge left out in the sun, then watch Dean McDermott say a bunch of scripted words about cheating on Tori while looking like a strung out, alcoholic, smelly trucker who was just arrested for fucking a barrel of Little Hugs at a Walmart in the middle of the afternoon. And if you really want your ass lips to shrivel up like two roly polies, watch Tori’s plastic Sopwith the Camel face contort as she cries, “I can never give him enough sex!”
These fame whores just won’t stop fame whoring and there’s no end to their fame whoreness. These whores got together and whored out their marriage in a reality show. Then these whores had a bunch of kids and whored those kids out in several reality shows. Then they got a business (or two, or three, I lost track) and whored out those businesses in a reality show. Now they’re whoring out their probably scripted marriage problems in a reality show. They’re not going to stop. They’re going to whore out their scripted divorce, then whore out their scripted reconciliation, then whore out the Band-Aid baby they’ll conceive and they’ll even whore out their deaths. After they’re dead, their ashes will get a reality show on Oxygen called CremaTORIum. They’ll be fame whoring posthumously.
And Dean’s worst nightmare is cheating on his wife? I guess he’s having one of those recurring nightmares since he cheated on his first wife with Tori.
I know, for a quick second, my eyes thought that was an old picture of Sam Kinison too.
Well, I guess it’s Twins Who Are Totally Screwed In Life week. First, we find out that oozing douche sore Joe Francis is going to be a father to twin daughters and now Radar is saying that Brooke Mueller’s got custody of her twin boys again. What next set of twins is going to be hit with tragedy? Somewhere in France, the chosen ones, Vivienne and Knox Jolie-Pitt, showed up to a toy store with their nannies to buy more toys since they obviously don’t have enough and it was closed. They wouldn’t even open up for them. It truly is the worst week for twins!
Last year, while Brooke Mueller was drying out in rehab for the 20th time, Denise Richards took care of her and Charlie Sheen’s twin boys, Max and Bob, since Charlie can’t even be trusted to take care of a broken crack pipe. After having the boys for a while, Denise wrote a letter to the Department of Children and Family Services telling them that Bob and Max have beat her girls, hit a teacher and were close to murdering her dogs. Denise also said that after visiting with Brooke one weekend, one of the boys came back with a bruise on his face. Brooke also wouldn’t let Denise take the boys to a shrink. It was a total mess. It got messier when the boys were placed with Brooke’s brother and they all moved into her house with her. Well, Brooke’s brother can move out now, because she’s got custody of the boys and is getting that Charlie Sheen money again. As the crack dealers sing “Happy Days Are Here Again,” some source dribbled out this drop of doom to Radar:
“Brooke was recently granted full custody of Bob and Max by a child dependency judge after it was deemed that she had complied with all of the terms set forth by the Los Angeles County Department of Children & Family Services. Moving forward, Brooke won’t have to undergo random drug tests. DCFS will keep in contact with Brooke and check up on the boys, but there will be no unannounced visits. As far as Child Protective Services is concerned, Brooke has made a successful recovery, and is now ready to be the legal custodial parent for the boys. Family reunification is always the goal in these types of cases. Splitting up a family, take children away from either the mother or father, only happens in extreme cases of neglect and abuse.”
No drug testing and a monthly check from Charlie Sheen…. I know some of you are thinking that this is going to end about as well as having bareback butt sex right after eating Korean BBQ. But who knows? Maybe 20th time’s a charm and Brooke will become a devoted mother who will rub her son’s tummies when their sick and bake cookies for PTA meetings. Or she’ll take that Charlie Sheen money and shack up with her crack dealer in a room at a Super 8 in Van Nuys while her boys are left at home by themselves to be raised by the backyard possums. That wouldn’t be the worst thing, actually. I mean, possums are totally good moms.
“Me neither!” said everyone currently logged into a Game of Thrones internet forum.
Peter Dinklage, who you may know as “Tyrion Lannister” from Game of Thrones, took a break from being one of the Internet’s Boyfriends (Benedict Cumberbatch and Matt Smith said he could take the day off) to do an Ask Me Anything on Reddit today. In between answering questions about the show and swords and winter is coming or whatever (I have no idea what GoT is about), a brilliant genius took the words ask me anything at their most literal and asked him what he does to his gorgeous hair to make it look like a cocker spaniel puppy took a nap on his head:
“It’s called not owning a brush. Or a comb. That’s my secret. Just don’t buy a comb.”
Oooh, you hear that combs? Shots fired! The beef of 2014 is on! Better pick a side now before it’s too late (I choose combs, but only because if I didn’t, I’d always look like a drunken rat orgy took place in my hair the night before). But the most important thing I learned from Peter’s AMA is that he’s ”good friends” with Karyn Parsons. Excuse you, Peter Dinklage, but being “good friends” with THE Hilary Banks is the only thing I have questions about. Questions such as: “What’s it like to have such a glamorous friend?” and “Do you realize how lucky you are to be good friends with Hilary Banks???”