And In “Ariana Grande Is Still A Brat” News, Ariana Grande Demands To Be Carried Like A Baby

December 10, 2014 / Posted by:

It’s no secret that the evil Bratz doll who came to life one day when someone played Mariah Carey’s Daydream backwards known as Ariana Grande is a demanding, entitled little diva toddler, and it sounds like she’s not running out of ways to act like an obnoxious spoiled brat anytime soon. According to Life & Style, Ariana has started demanding that she be carried around like a baby when she gets too tie-tie to walk like a big girl. I guess that makes sense; she has built her career on working the very sexy baby angle, after all. By the way – in case you’ve forgotten, Ariana Grande is a 21-year-old woman.

“Her new rule is that she has to be carried – literally carried like a baby – when she doesn’t feel like walking. She says that she doesn’t want her precious feet to hit the floor,” says a source, who witnessed the 21-year-old get a lift from her staff while filming her latest music video and again at rehearsals for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. “Everyone was stunned. Ariana is such a diva.”

Demanding to be carried around like a baby? YAWN. Wake me up when she fires a bitch for daring to serve her un-dished nuts,” hissed the current queen of diva terror Heather Cho.

Look, Ariana Grande is about as pleasant as a road trip yeast infection, but is demanding to be carried around that bad? I’ll be honest, if I had the money, I’d probably hire someone to carry me around when I get too tired to walk. I’d probably also hire someone to brush my teeth and hose me off like a zoo animal, but I think that has less to do with me being a diva and more about me being extremely lazy.

And this probably goes without saying, but you know it’s only a matter of time before she just stops walking altogether and starts traveling by stroller.

Princess Charlene Of Monaco Gave Birth To Royal Twins

December 10, 2014 / Posted by:

That double “Ugh, I don’t even want to look at him/her” side-eye is the visual definition of a loving and healthy marriage!

The Royal Palace of Monaco released a statement today saying that 36-year-old Princess Charlene and 56-year-old Prince Pierced Peen are now parents to a boy and a girl. One of life’s important rules is that if you give birth to a twin girl and a twin boy you must name them Brenda and Brandon. Prison Princess and Prince Pierced Peen broke that rule of life by naming their girl Gabriella Thérèse Marie and their boy Jacques Honoré Rainier.

Prince Albert has two other kids (that we know of), but since he made those kids with women he wasn’t married to, they have no claim to the throne. They’re the lucky ones if you ask me. When you’re in direct line to the throne, you’re expected to have a royal stick up your ass and you have to act prim and proper all the time. Only crazies want that. When you’re not in line to the throne, you can be an out and proud mess and get your booze money by selling stories about your relatives to the tabloids. That is the life. But then again, being in direct line to the throne didn’t stop Prince Albert from being a trashy mess.

The girl twin, who has been given the title of Countess of Carladès, was born first at 5:04pm. The boy twin, who has been given the title of Marquis of Baux, was born second at 5:06pm. Even though Gabriella won the race out of the womb, she’s not first in line for succession. Jaques will be the future ruler of Monaco, because the country hasn’t changed their “boys rule, girls drool” law yet.

The palace squeezed out this highly detailed and lengthy statement:

“It is with immense joy that TT.SS.HH the Prince and Princess of Monaco have the great pleasure to announce the birth of their children.”

Congratulations to Princess Charlene! It’s one of the happiest days of her life. Her job is done! Not only did she birth out twins, but now she doesn’t have to get turkey basted anymore and she doesn’t have to let Prince Albert lay his naked, slimy blobfish body on hers anymore. If you’re in Monaco, you should hold onto something sturdy, because Princess Charlene will bust out a genuine smile for the first time in years and it will make the earth shake.

Derek Hough And Kate Hudson Were Caught “Making Out”

December 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Well, if it isn’t the PR train, right on time! No – that’s unfair. I’m sure this is a totally real relationship that wasn’t cooked up in the office of two half-drunk publicists named Carol and Sheila. On Monday, Kate Hudson’s people announced that her snatch was saying sayonara to her baby daddy Matt Bellamy after 4 years and one kid together, which was followed shortly by the rumor that she had moved on to toe-tapping human snapping turtle Derek Hough. And now UsWeekly is saying that it’s time to think of a nickname for these two (Kough? Deraté?), because they were caught making out in public.

A source (a confused Goldie after waking up from a 2pm wine nap) claims to have spotted Derek and Kate kissing at a restaurant on Friday night. Of course, there are no pictures of it happening, because we all know that if Derek the Dancing Machine spots a camera, he’s programmed to stop whatever he’s doing and bust out some sweet moves to make your granny swoon. But even if there were pictures, I’d still scream FAAAAKE! because a speedy slut like Kate would never waste time making out with a dude. Now, if that source claimed to have seen Kate and Derek fucking at the table as Kate motioned to the waiter that she’d like more bread, then I’d believe it’s real.

And to be honest, I’m all for Kate and Derek getting together, if only because I want them to have a kid and name it something super dramatic. Kate likes to give her kids alliterative comic book-sounding names (Ryder Robinson, Bingham Bellamy), so my money is on “Harvey Hough”. Harvey Hough: plucky reporter by day, ballroom-dancing superhero by night!


“GawD Puhneshed Mee Bi Mehking Mi FAT”

December 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Just like many women do, botox-brained certified moron Kim Kartrashian gained some chunk while knocked up with her latest fashion accessory. But unlike most women, Kummy Kakes thinks that Godl tested her by drowning her hotness in fat. In Elle UK’s annual Adobe Appreciation Issue Confidence Issue, Kim injected a whole lot of confidence into every pregnant woman by saying that the weight she gained wasn’t a natural biological reaction to being fetus’d up. It was the lord above teaching her a lesson. Kim dribbled this out:

“I’d think God was doing this for a reason. He was saying: ‘Kim, you think you’re so hot, but look what I can do to you.’ My body just went crazy. After five months I swore I’d never get pregnant again. I got so huge and it felt like someone had taken over my body. I’d be sitting there, nearly 200lbs, crying and swearing this will never happen again, and sometimes I’d actually be laughing about it.”

Kim went on to say that while God might hate her, God, Buddha, Allah, Krishna and the other deities must really, really hate Rob, because have you seen him?

If Kim had a sense of humor, the fillers she injects into her face ate it a long time ago, so I don’t think she’s joking. This is what happens when you have Kanye in your ear.

If there is a God and they care about Kim for some reason, they wouldn’t punish her by putting pregnancy weight on her body. They’d punish her by making her Google loon balloon ass smaller, because then what would she oil up and stick out on the cover of Paper? If anything Kim and her family of soul suckers are God’s punishment against humanity for making fame whores more famous. And here I am kontributing to it. I will try to make it up to the gods above by reciting the lyrics to the Golden Girls theme song 100 times. (The GG theme song is my answer to Hail Mary.)

Here’s some pictures of Kim taking her rubber spatula face for a walk in NYC.

Pics: Splash

File Under “How Dreadful!”: Duchess Kate Recycled A Dress For A Fancy Dinner Party Last Night

December 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Money must be tight at the castle (cut to two surly dudes named Nigel and Simon repossessing Baby Prince George and Unky Harry’s solid-gold hot tub), because on the left is Duchess Kate wearing a Jenny Packham dress at a fundraiser back in February, and on the right is a 5-months pregnant Duchess Kate wearing the same Jenny Packham dress to the St. Andrews University 600th anniversary dinner in NYC last night. And this isn’t even the first time she’s recycled that dress either; E! says she also wore it to a benefit 14 months ago. Wearing the same dress three times to three fancy events? Say it with me now: GAUCHE! Even Chanel-suit Marge Simpson is like “You need to get a new dress.

But now that the snobby bitch in me is done talking, the lazy leggings-wearing sloth that I truly am can admit that I don’t totally hate that Duchess Kate decided to recycle that dress. First of all, it’s not hideous (that’s a type of compliment, right?). Second, when you wear the same dress a couple of times, there are no surprises; you know exactly just how much cheese you can eat before the fabric around the waist goes from tight to pray for zipper. Or whether or not you need to worry that your thighs will create a whole bunch of static cling that makes the fabric bunch up and look like your pussy is trying to eat your dress. Or if the fabric will show wine stains when you get a case of the sloppies. These are the important questions.

Here’s more of Duchess Kate and Prince William at the 600th anniversary of St. Andrews in NYC last night. Sidenote: you know you’re rich as shit when you’re invited to the 600th anniversary of something.

Pics: Splash

One Step Closer To OSCUH: Jennifer Aniston Gets A SAG Nomination

December 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Jennifer Aniston’s house boy Justin Theroux better add an extra tequila shot to her morning Tequila Sunrise and quickly make a bunch of congratulations cards from her Cabbage Patch Dolls, because there’s some celebrating to do. Jennifer Aniston’s hustling for Oscar game is paying off. The 21st SAG Award nominations were announced today and Jennifer Aniston got one for Cake (aka The One Where Rachel Is Sad And Doesn’t Wear Makeup).

Kaley Cuoco just called her agent this morning and screamed at them to get her a movie role where she can go SANS FARDS and wear rubber scars on her face, because if Jennifer Aniston can get a SAG nom for Best Actress so can she. Aniston was nominated along with Felicity Jones (The Theory of Everything), the perfect Julianne Moore (Still Alice), Rosamund Pike (Gone Girl) and Laura Jeanne Poon (Wild). Some think that Jessica Chastain (A Most Violent Year) and Marion Cotillard (Two Days, One Night) were ROBBED. The Golden Globe nominations are coming out tomorrow and Aniston’s name could show up in there too. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Oscar hos nominated her for Best Actress and also nominated St. Angie Jolie for Maleficent just so they can milk the shit out of Aniston vs. Jolie round 2. I hope that my new favorite Hollywood super villain Scott Rudin takes a break from eating his breakfast of kitten heads in a bowl to buy a full page ad in Variety where he’ll congratulate Aniston for her nomination. His quote will read: “Jennifer Aniston Is A Maximumly Talented Down-To-Earth Angel.

The rest of the nominations are after the cut. Naomi Watts got one for St. Vincent for some reason and so did Meryl Streep because she’s Meryl Streep.

Continue reading »

Avril Lavigne Is Sick With Some Kind Of Mysterious Illness

December 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Let’s get the obvious joke out of the way: “Did she accidentally listen to one of her husband’s albums?

If you happen to visit a Hot Topic store sometime in the next few weeks and wonder why there doesn’t seem to be anybody working, it’s because all the employees are back in the break room holding a candlelight vigil for their queen, Avril Lavigne. According to Billboard, the Manic Panic pixie dream goblin is sick with an unspecified illness and is asking fans to pray for her.

It all started when a fan messaged Avril on Twitter asking why she was MIA and if she was working on a new album. Avril responded by saying that she’s not feeling well and is having some health issues, adding “please keep me in your prayers“. That’s when the hashtag #prayforavril was born on Twitter.

Avril won’t say exactly what’s going on, but her rep reached out to Billboard to confirm that she is having health issues, but stresses that she’s absolutely not knocked up with a noodle-haired Nickelbaby.

I’m no doctor, but I think I know what’s going on here. Avril Lavigne just turned 30, so her mysterious illness could be an allergic reaction to still dressing like a 14-year-old girl. Every time she pulls on her favorite pair of hot pink and black Hello Kitty leggings or a ripped up off-the-shoulder sweatshirt that says KAWAII CUPCAKE PUNK PRINCESS, her body is like “No no NO! You are too old for this scene-teen skate park mall rat shit!” and breaks out into an itchy rash that stays on her body until she puts on something that wasn’t bought in the Juniors section and/or came with a coupon for a free pack of purple clip-in hair extensions.

But if that’s not the diagnosis, then I hope whatever Avril is dealing with is over soon. Canada needs their first lady back!

Pic: Avril Lavigne

Hot Slut Of The Day!

December 10, 2014 / Posted by:

NYC’s most avant-garde subway performance artist (that job description just made James Franco fart out a cloud of hot jealousy) Kalan Sherrard!

What could be making Kalan Sherrard’s face turn into a beam of happiness in his mug shot? Did he get arrested for trying to smuggle a ton of meth in his ass and just as the officers pulled out the bad shit, some of it leaked in his butt? Is he really happy to be arrested because he finally got to use “The Joker in a mug shot” face he’s been practicing for years? Is that happy face totally manufactured and he did it just so he can end up in The Smoking Gun’s mug shot tag?

It’s probably the third one, but I’m just going to tell myself that Kalan’s face looks like a rainbow on speed because he’s filled with joy from swinging around a fake dick in front of the cops at Art Basel in Miami. Nothing brings genuine joy like swinging around a dildo in public. The Miami New Times says that Kalan and his partner Maria Paz Valenzuela are disgusted with how Art Basel has turned into a playground for the really rich and famous who don’t care about art (“Wha? I bought a Monet mousepad, okay?” said Leonardo DiCatchAHo as he dives face first into a lake of naked models) so on Sunday they protested against it. They walked into the Collector’s Lounge and shouted words from BMW’s guide to collecting art while dressed up like Burning Man refugees. When security got to them and ushered them out, they screamed, “Fuck Art Basel!

Once they got outside, the police took over and when Kalan pulled out a dildo, he was tackled to the ground. The police thought his dildo was a gun. Kalan and Maria were arrested and charged with disturbing the peace (I hate my fingers for not making a Freudian slip by typing “peen” instead of “peace“) and resisting arrest without violence. It was the second time in one week they were arrested. They were arrested last Thursday by Miami police for disorderly conduct.

After his release, Kalan told The New Times that he knows he would’ve been shot dead if he was in a “darker body.” He also continued to spit out anti-wealth and anti-art-world words.

Here’s the video of Kalan and Maria getting arrested:

So they arrest a dude waving a dildo around yet dildo (see: Parasite Hilton) after dildo (see: Dan Bilzerian) are let into Art Basel? That’s selective dildo discrimination! This news is also pretty upsetting to me, because I thought I knew Florida. If you can’t wave a dildo around in Florida, where can you wave a dildo around? (Answer: The Scientology Celebrity Centre since the dildo is their official flag.)

The dude at the 1:54 mark in the video gets a HSOTD honorable mention for asking “Is that art?” while watching the cops take Kalan away. It’s all HIGH ART!



Birthday Sluts

December 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Raven-Symoné (29)
Teyana Taylor (24)
Xavier Samuel (31)
Summer Phoenix (36)
Emmanuelle Chriqui (37)
Evelyn Lozada (39)
Meg White (40)
Arden Myrin (41)
Bobby Flay (50)
Nia Peeples (53)
Sir Kenneth Branagh (54)
Rod Blagojevich (58)
Susan Dey (62)
Gloria Loring (68)
Fionnula Flanagan (73)
Agnes Nixon (87)

Pic: Instagram


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