The Sock One Has Gone To Rehab (UPDATE)

April 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Rob “The Sock One” Kardashian has always been the most difficult-to-pimp hooker on the roster of Pimp Mama Kris’s Klassy EsKorts (30% discount on all hookers not named Kim) since all he really does is eat, tweet, sell socks, and take up extra space in the bordello. But leave it to that shrewd pimp to find a clever way to make a buck off of even the most useless of her offspring (and that says a lot).

According to Radar, a source close to The Sock One (Pimp Mama Kris with a home-made sock puppet named Tha Source) has entered The Meadows, a treatment centre in Arizona (yes, the same Meadows that Selena Gomez went to when she was fighting her addition to Doucheahol) and will stay for about a month to treat depression and substance-abuse issues. “To find out exactly what substance Rob has been abusing, tune in next season to KUWTK!” - Kris Jenner, as she’s fanning the ink dry on another deal with Satan.

I actually have a soft spot in my heart for The Sock One (a soft, doughy spot), so I hope he gets whatever help he needs fighting whatever demons he has; especially since being around those demons was probably what caused his depression in the first place.

UPDATE: The Sock One’s rep (again, Pimp Mama Kris speaking through a sock puppet) has told E! Online that “Rob is not in rehab”. Phew! For a second I was scared that Domino’s had picked the wrong week to launch those popcorn chicken pizzas, but it looks like they can go ahead and resume production.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Domino’s newest artery-clogging gimmick: Pizza with a Popcorn Chicken Crust! 

Domino’s hasn’t mastered the art of making pizza yet (and I type that as a bitch who regularly eats their salt lick-covered in cheese and meat shit, because I hate my internal organs), but they’re taking on chicken now and farting out some crap they’ve called “Speciality Chicken.” According to Eater, Domino’s idea of “Speciality Chicken” is a pizza with chicken standing in as the crust. So it’s basically just popcorn chicken with a whole lot of toppings thrown on top. It’s some kind of sloppy, thrown together “chicken casserole” my mom would make using leftovers. This Mama June after birth comes in four flavors: Crispy Bacon & Tomato, Classic Hot Buffalo, Spicy Jalapeno-Pineapple, and Sweet BBQ Bacon.

I fully expect Pizza Hut, the masters of heart attack-inducing fuckery, to answer to Domino’s Popcorn Chicken Pizza by releasing a fried chicken pizza covered in pizza dough and served with liquefied bacon sauce and an ace inhibitor butter chaser.

That crap looks like several kinds of species had abortions on top of a pile of tumors before Brit Brit covered it with her discharge, but I. Still. Would.

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Birthday Sluts

April 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Ellen Barkin (60)
Chance The Rapper (21)
Lorraine Nicholson (24)
Gina Carano (32)
Fredrik Ljungberg (37)
Alek Wek (37)
Lukas Haas (38)
Kelli O’Hara (38)
Sean Maher (39)
Karl Yune (39)
Akon (41)
Mark Long (42)
Max Beesly (43)
Peter Billingsley (43)
Vickie Guerrero (46)
Jon Cryer (49)
Martin Lawrence (49)
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (67)
Pope Eggs Benedict XVI (87)

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Miley Cyrus Is Laid Up In The Hospital After Having A “Severe Allergic Reaction” To “Antibiotics”

April 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Humanized Miracle Whip and Wonder Bread sandwich Miley Cyrus was hospitalized (for drugs) in Kansas City (where she bought drugs) after she had a severe allergic reaction (to drugs) to some antibiotics (and by antibiotics I mean drugs) today. Miley’s show in Kansas City was canceled, so thousands of chirrun have the sads, because they didn’t get to see Miley crotch hump a giant hot dog and they didn’t get to drink up the yeast water that she squirts out of her mouth and onto their faces. Miley also canceled her show in Charlotte, NC over a week ago, because she had the flu (drugs). Miley tweeted a little sorry note along with a picture of her holding the weirdest butt plug I’ve ever seen (where can I get one?):

mileykansascity

I guess “severe allergic reaction” is the new “exhaustion.”

When you eat a whole pot brownie and visions of Billy Ray’s raccoon mullet dance around you and it feels like your skin is going to rip off of your body and crawl away, there’s no need to take your ass to the hospital. Just eat some nachos and enjoy the ride. (FYI: Seeing visions of Billy Ray’s raccoon mullet and feeling like your skin is going to rip off of your body are also the symptoms you get when you watch a Miley performance.)

But you know, Miley wouldn’t need to take antibiotics if she scraped the toxic smegma off of her tongue and stopped eating the snatch crust on panties that her fans throw onstage. Putting a stranger’s panty crust in your mouth will put you in the hospital. And since she’s in there, shut the doors, lock ‘em and quarantine her ass!

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The Human Ken Doll Would Like You To Know That He Doesn’t Have A Ken Doll No-Crotch

April 15, 2014 / Posted by:

I know your eyes are swirling around like nuts in a food processor after gazing at The Human Ken Doll’s stuffed red pepper Speedo bulge, but try to focus for a second, because The Human Ken Doll would like you to know what’s going on down there. Stop what you’re doing (squinting to see if you can make out the outline of his Barbie Dream Peen) because this is important.

The angel of my fever dreams, Human Ken Doll (real name: Justin Jedlica) gave an interview to The Daily Beast where he assured everyone questioning the moral implications of fapping to a man who looks like a real-life Rio Pacheco that it’s okay, because even though his body is 90% factory-made plastic, he’s human where it counts:

“I would say more of my inspiration stems from ‘manga’ or anime. I find that much more appealing in all honestly than a Ken doll. It’s sort of that over-stylized, cartoonish version of human form [that I like]. I have all these haters on my page being like, ‘Does that mean you want to cut off your penis?’ And I’m like actually, I wish it was dragging on the ground like anime.”

Oooh, be careful what you wish for, Justin! As someone who’s read every book in the Goosebumps series and seen every episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark, I know that 99.9% of wishes come with dark-sided consequence. It may seem like a good idea to wish for a dick that you have to drag around in a bundle buggy, but it could end up being a curse (“Not possible” – all the true blue sluts).

And unless that’s nothing more than an obese starfish taking a nap in the crotch of his swimsuit, I’d say his dick is doing alright by him.

Pic: Instagram

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Night Crumbs

April 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Lady CaCa’s video for G.U.Y. wasted 365 gallons of water while in the middle of a drought. Every ho in California who is slowly dying of dehydration is going to curse that thirsty, water-hogging asshole bitch Lady CaCa before we shrivel up and turn to dust – The Superficial

Charlize Theron isn’t engaged to Sean Penn. She’s not that dickmatized by his barbecued Slim Jim dick….yet - Lainey Gossip

Prince William likes to work just as much as we all do (read: not at all) – Celebitchy

Mischa Barton looks like one big giant SIGH, a big giant SIGH with a nipple and dehydrated hair - Drunken Stepfather

Karlie Kloss’ hair and style twin Taylor Swift has a look in her little eyes that says, “I may or may not go inside and skin Karlie alive and wear her like a coat…”Hollywood Tuna

Nene Leakes being a bitch to someone isn’t anything to clutch your pearls over, but I’m wondering why she didn’t dance to the Bear Necessities dressed as Baloo? – Reality Tea

Evangelical pastors are the biggest theatrical drama queens – Towleroad

Lady CaCa SANS Photoshop looks like a strung out Florida lot lizard who will fuck for a half-smoked Red – Jezebel

The dog has a better ass – Popoholic

You can almost see Oprah’s strength bar power up as she feeds on Pharrell’s tears of happiness – Pajiba

If you need something to wipe your Tax Day tears on, here’s some military man nipples – The Berry

Max Beesley’s peen + blood + two baby dolls = something a sick fuck is going to fap to  - (NSFW) OMG Blog

File under: a bitch battle you might care about if the year was 2007 – ICYDK

Pamela Anderson has reached the stage that most people who get barbed wire tattoos reach: regret – HuffPo

Professional air kiss blowers Candice Swanepoel and Adriana Lima blow air kisses at some Victoria’s Secret event – IDLYITW

And hopefully those Magic Mike bitches do it right this time by giving us raw hard peen and hopefully raw hard peen that belongs to Joe ManJelloJust Jared

We should all be so lucky to get a flight attendant like this – Popsugar

I haven’t mailed shit in decades, but these panty-creaming students would give me a reason to – Slate

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Would You Hit It?

April 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Just like Betty White, Mickey Rourke’s leather tits and Grumpy Cat’s grumpy face, Paul Rudd just keeps getting finer and hotter with age. Paul Rudd is that friend’s geeky older brother who used to fart in his own hand and smell them and talk about video games all the time (if you replaced “video games” with “House Hunters,” I think I just described myself), and when you see him 10 years later, he’s suddenly hot and you just want to give him a hand job in the bathroom while catching up.

Here he is struttin’ his ass in Cabo last Friday. I’d hit Object of My Affection-era Paul Rudd, so of course I’d hit this Paul Rudd. It even looks like Paul Rudd has one of those fur patches above his ass, so you’d have something to grab onto when he’s hitting it from the front.

Pics: FameFlynet

Open Post: Hosted By Germany’s Most Precious Jewel Celebrating Easter The Way It Was Meant To Be Celebrated

April 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Behold, the true reason for why Jesus rose from his grave! Jesus rose again so that in 2014 years, the fame whore pride of Germany Micaela Schäfer could pose in the middle of Berlin with nothing but a mortified rabbit, Easter egg nipple covers and a stuffed bunny pasty from the Half Euro Store covering her freshly waxed flower.

My retinas curled and secreted out glitter nectar yesterday when I laid my eyes on the twin swans of perfection Harald Glööckler and Amanda Lepore and they’re curling again while staring at these gorgeous pictures of Micaela redefining the definition of “demure” by once again airing her ass out in public for some quick attention. It wouldn’t be a holiday unless Micaela Schäfer, who is looking very Angel Schunard-ey in the face, is out there on the German stroll reminding the people of Berlin that she waxes everything off her body including her dignity.

But really, Micaela is taking serious risks to beautify the city of Berlin with her stunning elegance. If one of those egg pasties fell off, that rabbit would mistake her nipple for a newborn carrot and bite it off. If a fiber from that stuffed bunny got up into her snatch, she’d be celebrating Yeaster instead of Easter. Micaela Schäfer is suffering for the people! Just like Jesus! (Yes, I’ll get a chancleta slap to the face from my Catholic abuelita for that.)

Pics: Wenn.com

JWoww Hates How Pregnancy Is Effing Up Her Body

April 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Step off, JWoww’s fetus! If anyone is going to fuck up her clinically-cultivated body, it’s a strip-mall surgeon named Dr. Rad Plastixxx with $199.99 worth of injectable Silicone-Style® liquid vinyl and a rudimentary understanding of shapes.

The long-lost half-sister of SNL’s former porn stars was just starting to perfect her Fun House mirror reflection before she became knocked up, and now the most tragic thing has happened: JWoww’s growing fetus is fucking around with her finely-cultivated hotness. I know – the tragedy. JWoww told Us Weekly that she’s currently knocked up with a selfish seamonkey-looking hotness hater and, while you can’t really tell (because her eyebrows no longer move freely enough to indicate displeasure) she’s not happy about it:

“She loves being pregnant right now and I fucking hate it,” Farley told Us exclusively about herself and Snooki. “I’m not a fan of pregnancy right now with my thighs touching and my boobs changing, but I know it will be worth it and hopefully I get back to that really quickly.”

This is why someone needs to publish an updated edition of What To Expect When You’re Expecting called What To Expect When You’re A Jennifer Coolidge Wax Figure. Then again, it might not be the growing fetus that’s fucking around with her body; it could be the result of all that discount silicone starting to rot and decompose after reaching its expiry date.

Here’s more of alagance and saphistication defined at the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday night wearing a dress that would be deemed “too cheap looking” by the costume department of Dancing with the Polish Stars:

Pics: Splash

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