Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

July 18, 2014 / Posted by:

She will be filing for divorce in the next few weeks.

This reality star knew that her husband was of questionable moral character even before they married. However, she was willing to overlook that because she really wanted to have a husband and child/ren. She got what she wanted, but the husband is making her look bad now, so she is now cutting him loose. So why is she still making public proclamations of support for him and their marriage while plotting behind his back? She wants to look like the “innocent” and “good” person when this is all over. (Blind Gossip)

Phaedra Parks and Apollo Nida from The Real Housewives of Atlanta? Exhibit: A. This is bad news for Mr. President and Ayden, but this is good news for every pretty-faced, gold digging criminal who’s fresh out of jail and looking for a desperate sugar mama to woo with his dick game.

This one is short, but it is super freaky. This A list mostly movie actress who hangs on to A list because of a past and future project in the works is married. Before she got married though she and her now husband were drinking with the sister of the actress. Our A lister then told her now husband that he wanted him to have sex with the sister of the actress. Our actress went to bed and left the two others to have sex. Apparently this is not the first time the actress had her boyfriends do this. Definitely will be revealed. (CDAN)

Megan Fox? If this is Megan Fox, then she truly is a wonderful, caring and thoughtful sister, because only a generous soul would share David Silver’s AquaNet can-sized dick with her family members.

There is a famous singer who was being considered for a bearding arrangement last year with a professional athlete. They really would have been a perfect match. Both are tall, good-looking, clean-cut, and very successful. As she was on tour and traveling, the timing didn’t work out, but they did do a photo op or two together.

The funny part of this is that while they were in discussions about the bearding arrangement, the singer would talk about the relationship with her friends as if it could become real. She would say things like,”If we spend enough time together, maybe he could really like me and even fall in love with me!” She was genuinely hopeful that the fantasy could become a reality. Thank goodness that never happened. He is now “dating” a film actress who is very clear about her role and has no delusions about where their relationship is going. (Blind Gossip)

Taylor Swift, Aaron Rogers and Olivia Munn?

 

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Open Post: Hosted By David Beckham Looking Like A Melting Oscar Statue

July 18, 2014 / Posted by:

The Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Sports Awards (whatever that is) happened in L.A. yesterday and two of David Beckham’s sons, Romeo and Cruz, presented him with some kind of award. Just like the regular Kids’ Choice Awards, people get slimed onstage, but instead of getting covered with Slimer’s green barf, people got covered with gold goo. Becks and his boys got slimed and afterward they all looked Liberace’s mansion just projectile diarrhea’d all over them. They’re giving us “if the Hollywood Blvd. Gold Man went to Death Valley and melted.”

Romeo and Cruz both seem grossed out, but it’s weird to me that Becks isn’t dry heaving on the stage and screaming for a Hazmat crew. I mean, Becks getting covered in liquid gold is like all of us regulars getting covered in wet caca since he shits liquid gold. Is he trying to tell us something?

And on another note, is a melting Oscar statue noted Oscar chaser Leonardo DiCaprio’s worst nightmare or a bittersweet dream?

Pics: Wenn.com, AP Images

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David Arquette’s Club Might Be In Trouble For Serving Beer To Justin Bieber

July 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Looking at this picture of lil’ Justin Bieber sucking on a brewski just made me nostalgic for all the times I tried to get my hands on a beer as a kid. I never did succeed; I’d always end up getting distracted by Glo Friends. But Justin Bieber is a much more determined child than I ever was, and his thirst for taking swigs out of the grown-ups beer bottles has landed a West Hollywood club in trouble.

According to TMZ, Justin Bieber and his new BFF Chris Brown (like moths to a flame, two assholes meet in the night) went to David Arquette’s club Bootsy Bellows. Because Boosty Bellows sells food, they can let anyone in, but only people 21 and older can order booze. Unfortunately, someone snapped a picture of 20-year-old Justin Bieber walking around Bootsy Bellows holding a beer bottle, and now the California Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control is ready to slap them with a giant fine and law enforcement are planning on sending in a bunch of undercover cops to try see if they can bust them for selling liquid happiness to minors.

I don’t think there’s any need to call Gene Parmesan, because this is clearly an open and shut case. Justin Bieber wanted to impress Chris Brown’s friends, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep up with the big boys (because two sips of beer and Justin goes night-night). So he filled an empty beer bottle with apple juice and pretended he was drinking just like them. Trust me – if the cops look through the trash, I’ll bet they’ll find a Heineken bottle that smells like Motts for Tots with his animal cracker-crusted finger prints on it. CASE CLOSED!

Pic: Splash

Casey Kasem’s Body Is Missing And I Wonder Who Has It? Hmmmmm……

July 18, 2014 / Posted by:

It’s been a little over a month since Casey Kasem’s soul floated out of his body and he finally got away from the craziness between his crazy daughter and crazy wife, and in that time you’d think that his family would press pause on the crazy to lay him to rest. But anybody who thought that doesn’t know the kind of crazy shit that Jean Kasem is capable of. The gold digging Amazonian dark goddess re-charges her black orb of a heart by sucking in the pain of Casey Kasem’s family. TMZ says that Casey’s body is missing and everyone thinks that the manifestation of evil (seen above at the Emmys looking like a Mordor Betsy Johnson) has it.

Jean is currently being investigated by the Santa Monica PD for elder abuse. Jean pulled Casey out of a Santa Monica convalescent home when he was down and out and dragged him all around the West. A judge ordered that an autopsy be done on Casey’s body, because the Santa Monica PD needs the results for their investigation. But the day before a judge ordered the autopsy, Jean removed Casey’s body from the funeral home. Sources tell TMZ that only Jean knows where Casey’s body is and nobody can track her down. Casey’s daughter Kerri Kasem thinks that Jean left the country. Jean listed “Jerusalem” as her current address on Casey’s death certificate. Yeah, so she could be in Jerusalem, because the Middle East isn’t going through enough right now.

What in Weekend at Bernie’s HELL?

So if you’re in Jerusalem and see an 8 foot tall giant of insanity dragging a man in a wrinkled suit and sunglasses behind her while telling everyone that he had a little too much Manischewitz wine to drink, don’t make eye contact with it and immediately scream for Scooby Doo or the Ghostbusters or a demon exorcising rabbi.

The moral of this story is: If you marry crazy, crazy will terrorize you when you’re alive and terrorize you after you’re dead by tying your limbs together with piano wire before dragging you all around the world. “That’s sounds rather romantic, actually.” - Spalding from AHS: Coven

Andy Cohen Is A Top, So Says The Silver Fox

July 18, 2014 / Posted by:

I need to turn in my Silver Fox Club membership card, because it’s embarrassing and shameful that my eyes (and other parts) weren’t glued to the TV screen when he talked about gay sex for one split second on Watch What Happens Live earlier this week. This is the biggest crime I’ve ever committed. I can forgive myself for playing Kum Kuntrashian’s iPhone game for 10 minutes (no, I can’t), but I cannot forgive myself for this.

So on Watch What Happens Live on Tuesday night, the Silver Fox, Andy Cohen and their hag Kelly Ripa spilled “secrets” about themselves during a game to see which one of them could make the other uncomfortable first. Kelly started first by asking America’s most serious journalist Andy Coo if his dick wears a turtleneck and if he wants to see her vagina. The Silver Fox didn’t answer Kelly’s question about whether or not his dick is circumcised, but in my professional opinion (and using the information I learned from all the times I put a magnifying glass to his crotch on pictures), the evidence is inconclusive and I’ll have to see it or feel it up close to give my final verdict.

When it came time for the Silver Fox to spill a secret about Andy Cohen, he spilled a secret that isn’t a secret to anyone who has seen Andy on Wendy Williams or listened to him on Howard Stern. The Silver Fox said that contrary to that picture above, Andy Cohen is not a loud, squealing, messy bossy bottom who can cut a beer can in two with his b-hole. Andy Cohen is all top. This revelation courtesy of Queerty:

Anderson: “I know a lot of secrets about Andy. I guess the one that would most surprise people is he’s a top.”

Andy: “Why, you think people think I’m a bottom?”

Kelly: “I don’t.”

Anderson: “Believe me, there’s nothing wrong with that, but I’m just saying I think that would surprise people. And I don’t know this from personal experience, but from conversations I have had…I mean, it surprised me when I heard about it. Yeah, so that’s the secret.”

Kelly: “Why is that a secret? I don’t think that’s a secret. For people who don’t know, at home, do you want to explain what that is? I am a talk show host. I have to get to the answers.”

Andy: “No, I don’t want to.”

Kelly: “Are you sure?”

I’m glad that Anderson answered my next question by saying, “I don’t know this from personal experience,” because I really did not need the image of Andy Cohen topping Anderson Cooper while Anderson licks on Kelly Ripa’s fully erect belly peen. The Silver Fox didn’t answer the “top, bottom or both” question himself, but I guess him saying “Believe me, there’s nothing wrong with that” clears that up. And yes, yes, I still would. I’d still bump butts with the Silver Fox.

This Is Lifetime’s Newest Aaliyah

July 18, 2014 / Posted by:

I say “newest”, because if Lifetime has taught me anything (besides always asking permission before you sleep with danger) it’s that they’re constantly searching for new ways to beat their own personal best in shitty decisions. The Hollywood Reporter says that Lifetime announced today that they’ve found an actress “black enough” to play Aaliyah in their upcoming made-for-TV disaster Aaliyah: Princess of R&B. 23-year-old Nickelodeon star Alexandra Shipp will fill the baggy Tommy jeans left by 17-year-old Disney star Zendaya, who dropped out when she realized what a career-killing shit show she’d signed up for.

And what a glorious messy shit show it will be! Wendy Williams (who sort of looks like Roger from American Dad! when he dresses up as a woman) has confirmed on Twitter that she’s signed on as executive producer. Not an assistant producer, but THE producer. That means someone has trusted Wendy Williams with calling all the shots. So for all of you who looked at Alexandra and thought “This might not be such a mess after all”, it looks like you were very wrong.

Now that Wendy Williams is taking over as captain of this televised Titanic, I’m sure her first order of business will be to fire Alexandra Shipp and re-cast the role of Aaliyah. And maybe it just so happens that Wendy forgets to tell people where and when she’s holding auditions, and the only person who shows up is a young up-and-coming actress by the name of “Mendy Milliams”. Even though Mendy is obviously just Wendy in a black wig and a crop-top, and the fact that the internet would no doubt take one look at her and declare that she’s not “human enough”, Lifetime will still hire her, because they’re all about that stunt casting. Hell, I’d watch it. Then again, who wouldn’t want to watch a 50-year-old bedraggled muppet slurring the words to a karaoke version of “More Than a Woman.”

Pic: Lifetime

Jennifer Aniston Loves Justin Theroux’s Eyeballs

July 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Details Magazine threw a party for their current cover ho Justin Theroux at the Tower Bar in L.A.’s Sunset Tower Hotel on Tuesday night and WWD got Jennifer Aniston to say a few words about the man who puts her Cabbage Patch Dolls to sleep every night and talks her off of the ledge when her maid misplaces one of her Beanie Babies. The WWD reporter who talked to Jennifer Aniston is probably still stoned, because when she opened her mouth, out came forty waves of the good shit smoke and vodka fumes. Jennifer was either six kinds of stoned or she was six kinds of drunk or six kinds of both. Or maybe she’s just suffering from stage 10 dickmatization and getting good dick has warped her brain. Because Jennifer didn’t only jack Justin Theroux off with her words. She jacked him, sucked him, rode him and let him finish in her butt. She laid it on thick. Jennifer talking about Justin sounds a lot like the looniest loon in Bellevue’s Brangeloonie department talking about St. Angie Jolie.

“I commend him for his courage. This is not normal for him. He’s so graceful and utterly kind and golden. It is amazing. He’s just so beautiful and handsome to me, and I love that his eyeballs are so beautifully captured because those eyes just knock me out every day. He just gets better every year. He’s just like a lost gem in the sand, and he’s just always been there and been brilliant, and now this is just in a different light.”

Whether it be Justin’s dick, weed or booze, bitch is on something, because she’s talking crazy. “His eyeballs are so beautifully captured.” That’s some serial killer shit. If Justin ever decides that being with Jennifer is not worth living in a multi-million dollar estate in Bel Air and he leaves her, dude better either join the Witness Protection Program immediately or get a SWAT team to protect his beautifully captured eyeballs. Because if he ever breaks up with her, he won’t remember a thing after saying, “It’s over.” He’ll wake up to the darkness in the ER as Jennifer Aniston is in her bed, kissing his torn-off eyeballs in between telling them, “Now we’ll always be together….

Leonardo DiCaprio Is Mad That Someone Is Trying To Sell An Autographed Picture Of Him And Nelson Mandela

July 18, 2014 / Posted by:

According to Page Six, Leonardo DiCaprio has a bee in his bonnet because an online memorabilia dealer called Moments In Time is trying to sell a signed photo of him with Nelson Mandela for $25,000. The photo was taken back in 2006 when Leo was filming Blood Diamond in South Africa. A year later, Nelson Mandela must have found it and decided to mail it to Leo along with the message: “To Leo DiCaprio, Best Wishes, Mandela, 4-8-07.” However, the picture was never mailed to Leo. Instead it somehow ended up in the hands of Moments In Time, where they decided to sell it, because it would be kind of a weird picture to have sitting on your mantle next to a photo of your kid’s soccer team and a portrait of the dog.

Once Leo was made aware of the photo’s existence on Tuesday, probably by Lukas Hass, who has nothing better to do all day than surf the net from his futon, Leo had his lawyer call up Gary Zimet, the owner of Moments In Time, and tell them to hand it over. But Gary is claiming “finders vs keepers” and told Leo’s lawyer that if he wants it so badly, he can buy it for $25,000. A source close to Leo (the talking ass cheeks of a Victoria’s Secret model) claims he might take Gary Zimet to court, saying:

“The photo is clearly not their property. He wants the picture. His lawyers are considering action.”

If he thinks that picture should be sitting in a pewter frame on top of a stack of Victoria’s Secret head shots on his desk and not being hustled for pennies online, then why doesn’t he just buy it? $25,000 is nothing to him – that’s like his weekly budget for Model’s Choice™ massage oil. Besides, $25k is a small price to pay for such a great picture of Nelson Mandela. Look at him working that sassy silver shirt! I bet he’s strutting around in that chic silver shirt up in Heaven and making all the angels swoon.

Pic: MomentsInTime.com

Ripping Tim McGraw’s Already Ripped-Up Jeans Will Get You A Smack In The Face

July 18, 2014 / Posted by:

A few years ago, Faith Hill verbally slapped a trick with a speech about ~CLASS~ when that trick grabbed at Tim McGraw’s balls during a show in Louisiana. Well, 7 years later and hos are still grabbing at Tim McGraw’s goods, but this time, Faith Hill wasn’t there to let a handsy slut know that her husband’s crotch fruit is only ripe for her picking.

TMZ posted two videos of the buff piece of hairless daddy jerky yodeling out his song “Truck Yeah” at a show in Atlanta on Sunday. After Tim sashays into a sea of hands, one of those hands grabs at his leg and I guess that hand didn’t get what it wanted, because it went in for a second time and during the second time, she ripped his ripped jeans some more. Tim is either real serious about his jeans or he felt like that trick was about to give him a “turn your head and cough test,” because he swatted her hand away before playing a quick game of Patty Cake on her face. That scene is a country song come to life. Face slappin’ and jeans rippin’. Throw in a cryin’ baby and a cheatin’ bastard and it’d be the new country anthem. Tim’s rep told TMZ that the fan wouldn’t let go of his leg and he only swatted her away so he could keep it moving:

“Tim was singing out in the audience and someone firmly grabbed onto his leg and wouldn’t let go as he was moving through the crowd. He instinctively swatted to try to keep them from ripping his jeans (which they succeeded at doing!), and so he could get to more fans who could slap hands with him before the end of the show.”

Everyone involved in this is a mess. That chick is a mess, because we all learned in kindergarten that if you can’t keep your hands to yourself, sit on them. Just because she paid $15 for a Tim McGraw ticket (I’m guessing that $15 is what the most expensive ticket at a Tim McGraw concert costs and if it’s any more than that, chick should slap herself) doesn’t mean she can feel him up whenever she wants. It’s not a petting zoo, bitch. The 14-year-old in me is also cringing at her ripping his jeans, because the 14-year-old in me would spend hours on the living room floor meticulously adding perfect rips to my jeans like I was Michelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling (it was the 90s). Tim is a mess, because yeah, he should’ve swatted her hand away, but did he really need to slap her in the face? (“YES!!!!” – 14-year-old me taking a break from meticulously adding perfect rips to my jeans)

We can spend HOURS arguing who is the messiest in this situation, but instead of doing that, let’s come together and agree that our ears are also victims here, because we forced them to listen to a few seconds of “Truck Yeah.”

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Blake Lively Is On The Cover Of Vogue For The 1,845,274th Time

July 18, 2014 / Posted by:

I used to work in an advertising office (don’t ask me if I was the Joan, I was more like the Meredith) and every summer, people used to take out their brains, pack them into storage, and sing “See yoooou in September”. It was practically company policy that nobody did any damn work till Labor Day. And it looks like everyone at Vogue does the same thing! Nothing says “I’ve spent the past 4 weeks getting day drunk at my desk” like putting The Tepid Tapwater Princess Blake Lively on the cover of Vogue.

Know how else I can tell everyone stopped giving a fuck on July 1st? That color! There’s too much of it! Blake has NEVER looked that lively. Thankfully I was able to get my hands on the original:

blake-lively-vogue-cover-august-2014-01_170245752691 copy copy copy

That’s MUCH better, except I can see why they airbrushed out the oatmeal. It’s hard to focus on Blake when that exciting bowl of lukewarm oats is hogging all of the attention.

Blake has a lot to say, so it’s all after the cut. Continue reading

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