And guess what? None of them have to do with him being a good fashion designer. Shocking, I know. People asked Kelly Cutrone, aka Lauren and Whitney’s bitchy boss on The Hills who seriously looked completely over it 99.9% of the time, what she thought of Kanye West’s latest attempt at being a fashion designer, and she blew this beautiful slap-scented air kiss to Kim Kardashian’s kurrent husband:
“I’m not into his fashion thing. I think he’s fine as a rapper. I think he’s a joke as a fashion designer.”
Be still my beating heart. But Cunty Cuntrone wasn’t done dragging Kanye just yet; when asked if she liked the shoes he did, Kelly hissed:
“I mean, it’s not, he’s not legit. Have you seen the product? Didn’t he have his own line in London, which was a disaster that he spent $10 million to do, that no one wore?”
Then like a true bitch, Kelly yanked the wig right off Kanye’s head by telling that no-talent trick to go back to rapping, while also throwing a little shade in Diddy’s direction:
“I just think that you should stay focused at what you’re good at. Just because you’re a good rapper doesn’t mean you’re going to be a good fashion designer. I mean, we’ve seen that over and over. Sean John is a really successful line, but you know, no one in the fashion industry is waking up and going, ‘Hey did you get that … did you like, trade up your Moncler for your Sean John?’ No. Nobody’s saying that.
I’m sure at this very moment, Amber Rose is thinking: “Yaaaassss bitch, do Khloe Kardashian next! Open the library and read her to filth!”
But even though Kelly’s review of Kanye’s stupid fashion show killed me, buried me, and brought me back to life, it’s still nowhere near as perfect as one he got from his own daughter.
When Mo’Nique won the Best Supporting Actress Oscar in 2010 for Precious, she used her time on stage to throw two burning hot side-eyes at the Oscar campaign game by thanking the Academy for showing that it can be about the performance and not about politics. During Oscar campaign time, Mo’Nique didn’t go to many events and she refused to use her lips to suck on the ass flaps of voters to get that trophy in her hands. She was the anti-Benedict Cumberbatch. After her win, all the doors she thought were going to open up because of her win never opened. And just a few months ago she was told by Lee Daniels, the director of Precious, that if Hollywood was John Travolta, then she’d big a big old pussy, because nobody wants to touch her.
And this is coming from someone who said yes to playing Rasputia in Norbit, so that’s saying something. According to Norm Macdonald (via The A.V. Club), Eddie Murphy was supposed to have a much bigger part in the Saturday Night Live 40th anniversary show last Sunday. What we got was Chris Rock introducing Eddie Murphy, who walked out on stage, waited for the applause to die down before doing a little ‘thanks everyone’ and signalling that it was time to cut to commercial. What we were supposed to get was a Celebrity Jeopardy sketch with Eddie Murphy playing America’s alleged drink-drugging dad Bill Cosby.
In case you didn’t see it, “Bill Cosby” made an appearance during a video daily double (it happens around the 7:48 mark). He’s played by Kenan Thompson, but according to an insanely long essay written by Norm Macdonald on Twitter, he was supposed to be played by Eddie Murphy.
Norm says it all started because Eddie skipped the SNL 25th anniversary. David Spade had apparently once made a joke about him on Weekend Update, and that hurt his feelings, so he swore he’d never go back. However, either time healed his wounds or Lorne Michaels backed a giant truck full of money into his driveway, because he decided to return for the 40th anniversary. That’s when they thought it would be a great idea to write him into the Celebrity Jeopardy sketch as Bill Cosby. The Twitter story is long, so it’s after the cut.
On December 28th, Lance Armstrong pulled a classic Lance Armstrong when he crashed into two parked cars with his SUV while driving home from a party in Aspen, CO and got his girlfriend Anna Hansen to agree to take the blame for him. Anna tried to work things out with the cars’ owner by agreeing to pay for the damages, but he called the cops anyway. Anna later told police that she lied about driving, because she’s sick and tired of the evil media dragging her angelic man’s pristine reputation through a puddle of bull diarrhea. I could see where she was coming, because if we all found out that Lance (probably drove drunk and) crashed into parked cars, his image as an upstanding pillar of truth and integrity would be damaged forever!
The Associated Press says that dumbass Lance pleaded guilty to careless driving. Lance sent in his plea by mail. The case is now closed and he doesn’t have to show his face in court. If Lance pleaded not guilty and the case went to trial, he could have gotten up to 90 days in the clink if found guilty. Because he pleaded guilty to careless thinking (Freudian slip and it stays), prosecutors dropped the charges for speeding, leaving the scene and failing to report an accident. Lance just has to pay $238.50 in court fees and a $150 fine. He also has to pay to fix the cars he hit.
Add that $388.50 to the $10 million Lance has to pay a sports insurance company for lying about doping up. Lance Liestrong is reportedly worth over $100 million, so $10,000,388.50 is probably not going to bankrupt him, but he should still keep his mouth shut, stay inside and sit on his hands. Because it feels like every time he opens up his crusty lie hole and gets behind the wheel of anything, he fucks up and has to pay fines and shit. If he keeps the foolery up, he’ll run out of money to pay off people and fines and will have to get a job selling tricycles at Big Lots. (“Um, no, we don’t hire lying bitches, thankyouverymuch!” – an official spokesperson from Big Lots)
Seen above looking like an apathetic greasy teenage elf raver runaway, Kristen Stewart recently gave an interview to Patti Smith for Interview, and she admitted something I never thought I’d hear anyone associated with the Twilight franchise would ever admit, let alone Kristen Stewart: that she’s not just proud of the Twilight movies, but that she’s “fucking proud”. Literally every neurologist across the country just told their assistants to clear their schedules because “the mopey girl from Twilight clearly needs a brain scan.”
Seth Meyers interviewed living and breathing American Girl Samantha doll Allison Williams at the 92Y last night and the first thing he asked her about was her dad Brian Williams, because besides getting her ass eaten on HBO, that’s the only thing people want to her hear talk about. Seth asked Allison how her family and her dad are doing after he got suspended for six months without pay for lie-telling on camera. I don’t know what Seth expected her to say. It’s not like she’s going to say, “He’s a liar and he has ruined my life.” If Seth wanted that kind of answer, he should’ve interviewed me about my dad. Of course, Allison defended her dad and said that we can all trust him.
“BYE BITCH!” hissed Azealia Banks, Steve Madden, Papa John’s, and literally everyone who has ever read something tweeted by Iggy Azalea and though “trick, are you going for a personal best at being the worst?”
Sad news today for those of you who truly enjoyed reading the 140-character brain farts of a come-to-life Rappin’ Rockin’ Barbie doll (crickets). Last week, some pictures hit the internet of Iggy Azalea on vacation in Hawaii with her boyfriend Nick Young, and yes, a lot of them were of her double-stuffed deep fried Bloomin’ Onion ass in a bikini. Of course, some people then took their thoughts of her busted butt to social media. When Igloo got back from vacation, she made the mistake of reading them, which made Iggy be like “First things first, I’m the saddest.”
So in response to the random internet haters who hurt her feelings, Iggy Azalea decided to quit social media last night. And in true Iggy Azalea fashion, she announced it by going on a long-ass Twitter rant:
Damn, that Tinky Winky was a whore. – parissucksliterally
Lindsay Lohan’s last remaining brain cells look around anxiously as they convene in their support group meeting. – Captain Stephen Peacock
Happy Chinese New Year, everyone! May Shakira let out her goat yodel all year long, because 2015 is the Year of the Goat (or Sheep Or Ram)!
In honor of it being the Year of the Goat, I’m paying tribute to one of America’s greatest politicians, who just so happened to be a goat! Behold, Clay Henry III, the beer-guzzling former mayor of Lajitas, TX. Many politicians have cloven hooves, because they’re demons from HELL, but Clay Henry III had cloven hooves, because he was a goat.
Sadly, this is a posthumous HSOTD tribute since Clay Henry III is now guzzling down the sweet nectar in the great big Lone Star beer brewery in the sky. But before he hiccuped his way to heaven, he served as the mayor of Lajitas, a small border town in West Texas, from 2000 until his death (year unknown). Clay Henry III comes from one of America’s most underrated political family dynasties: the Clay Henry goats!
David Gandy (35)
Victoria Justice (22)
Jayde Nicole (29)
Haylie Duff (30)
Arielle Kebbel (30)
Beth Ditto (34)
Gideon Yago (37)
Daniel Adair (40)
Sunset Thomas (43)
Cynthia Bailey (47)
Benicio Del Toro (48)
Justine Bateman (49)
Jessica Tuck (52)
Helen Fielding (57)
Ray Winstone (58)
Jeff Daniels (60)
Michael Nader (70)
Smokey Robinson (75)