R.Kelly has changed his mind after spending a month in solitary confinement while behind held on multiple, multiple charges. R. Kelly has finally decided that he is not really interested in spending this much trapped in the closet cell by himself. Especially if they won’t give him anything to watch. So now his lawyers are asking the judge to let R. Kelly take the risk and enter into general population as both a famous musician and also a famous alleged pedophile. No one’ll notice him!
37-year-old Kirsten Dunst has been in the entertainment industry for three decades now. And in that time, her trophy cabinet has gathered three decades of dust, because she hasn’t won many awards. And she thinks that’s a little weird too, because damn if she’s not trying.
I regularly dream of Prince Hot Ginge being in a fairy tale. Specifically, being in this fairy’s tail. So this is not the fairy tale starring PHG I had in mind. This is a sad one, and made the impossible happen. It made actual wet tears trickle out of my once barren crying ducts. Picture it: sad Prince Hot Ginge sitting on a $40,000 Chippendale chair as a lucky minion uses a $600 Irish linen handkerchief to carefully dab the hot ginger tears on his cheeks while he sorrowfully looks out of the window and sings a sad, acoustic version of When Will My Life Begin from Tangled. Because according to some royal expert, PHG feels like he’s living in a prison. Yes, an opulent gilded prison with maids and cooks and a golden 17th century bidet that used to power-wash King George II’s nethers. But still, a prison! Weep for him!
It still boggles my mind that the publicists of Hollywood haven’t gathered up all their dude clients, and hammered their brains into simply saying, “I support the #MeToo and Time’s Up movements. The end.“, every time they’re asked about sexual harassment and abuse in their industry and beyond. But because some haven’t done that, pretty-faced piles of dumb like Henry Cavill get themselves into trouble by spewing verbal fart bubbles about how he’s afraid to flirt with a woman because she might blow her rape whistle on him. Who knew that Henry Cavill took a course in #MeToo 101 from Professor Morrissey?
Us homely-faced poors needs to stop feeling bad about not being stunning in the mug and having to put items back at the Target cash wrap area because our card got declined. There’s someone out there who has it much, much worse. Poor Catherine Zeta-Jones has had to go through life apologizing for taking breaths away with her beauty and causing temporarily blindness with the sparkle rays shooting off of her rich lady diamonds. But the days of having to be faux humble about her stunning looks and overflowing bank account are behind her. CZJ is keeping Stephanie Yellowhair’s legacy alive by saying, “Excuse my beauty…. and diamonds!”
Brad Pitt is going to be spending a lot more time with his children now that a judge (who I’m guessing has since been swallowed up by Hell for fucking with St. Angie Jolie) ordered St. Angie to stop keeping their kids from him. But sadly, the child army isn’t going to get laughs from watching daddy’s brain slowly melt out of his ear holes as his architect/MIT professor girlfriend Neri Oxman says hard words like “chair” and “table” while talking about architecture. Because Page Six says that Brad has lost out on his very own Amal Clooney. Neri has decided to stick with her hedge fund billionaire boyfriend.
Brad Pitt may be Brad Pitt, but he’s also got six kids and is in the middle of a chunky shit storm of a divorce fight with a controlling ex. Listening to your boyfriend scream at his ex over the phone as the child army covers you with shaving cream and toilet paper as a joke < sucking on champagne-covered diamonds out of a crystal flute on a private jet to some island you’ve never heard of as your billionaire boyfriend makes big money deals on the phone. That bitch Brad didn’t stand a chance.