I regularly dream of Prince Hot Ginge being in a fairy tale. Specifically, being in this fairy’s tail. So this is not the fairy tale starring PHG I had in mind. This is a sad one, and made the impossible happen. It made actual wet tears trickle out of my once barren crying ducts. Picture it: sad Prince Hot Ginge sitting on a $40,000 Chippendale chair as a lucky minion uses a $600 Irish linen handkerchief to carefully dab the hot ginger tears on his cheeks while he sorrowfully looks out of the window and sings a sad, acoustic version of When Will My Life Begin from Tangled. Because according to some royal expert, PHG feels like he’s living in a prison. Yes, an opulent gilded prison with maids and cooks and a golden 17th century bidet that used to power-wash King George II’s nethers. But still, a prison! Weep for him!
Frogmore Frogwhore Cottage in Windsor is currently going through renovations (including a reported £5 million beef up in security that taxpayers will pay for) to make way for PHG, Duchess Meghan, and the unborn royal ginger baby. They’re moving in early next year, and according to a royal biographer, PHG has probably written “FREEDOM DAY” on the date in his calendar when they’re supposed to move from Kensington Palace.
“Harry feels very imprisoned at Kensington Palace,” royal biographer Ingrid Seward, author of My Husband and I tells PEOPLE—and has told friends as much. “He can’t wait to get out.”
Rich royal bitch, please. You ain’t imprisoned. Imprisoned is sharing a 5 x 6 cell with a fellow prisoner who you have to cuddle with in the bottom bunk to keep from freezing because they turned the heat off to save money and the ketchup packet soup you made on the radiator didn’t totally warm you up. That’s being imprisoned, and if you want that imprisoned fantasy to come to life, PHG, you know where to find me (I’ll be the one being dragged away from Frogwhore Cottage in a frog costume after trying to blend in with the other frogs).
PHG is probably feeling “imprisoned” because his neighbors at Kensington Palace are his brother and his sister-in-law. There’s supposedly some tension with his brother as they possibly break up their courts. And there’s stories about how Duchess Meghan and Duchess Kate aren’t exactly exchanging BFF pendants.
But if there is tension, Duchess Kate waved and smiled it away at her and Prince William’s latest waving-and-smiling job at Leicester University today. In the video below, one of Kate’s loyal subjects asks her if she’s excited about PHG and Meghan’s baby, and as the camera stayed on her armpit and royal boob, she said, “Absolutely! It’s such a special time to have little kiddies. And a cousin for George and Charlotte, as well, and Louis. It’ll be really special.”
It’s a good thing that camera stayed on her armpit and royal boob or else The Daily Mail would’ve gotten an expert in eye reading who would’ve said that while her mouth said those words, her eyes said, “Absofuckinlutely! That means that American peasant will be busy pushing her little drooling bundle of financial security in front of the paps and I won’t have to work events with her where we’ll have to pretend we don’t hate each other more than a coat dress that doesn’t sell out 5 minutes after we wear it in public. Speaking of, Kate, make sure to check with your minion that this coat dress you’re wearing sold out. You’ve had it on more for more than 5 minutes.”