The Canadian Jesus Brought The Raw Emotion After His VMAs Performance

You can always count on Justin Bieber to give us a Photoshop perfect picture that’s just itching for Usher to be slipped into.

Judging by that picture above, you may be thinking that the Biebs suffered from a severe case of constipation last night and was scared that it would mess with his potty training classes (he’s come so far!), but he wasn’t suffering from the hard shits. After performing during the MTV VMAs, the Biebs bent over and got so emotional. Anybody who sat through his performance cried with him, because they couldn’t believe that they hate themselves enough to sit through that whole thing.

But seriously, the Biebs recreated The Difficult Brown’s “crocodile tears of a d-bag” act, because it’s the perfect way to end his douche redemption tour. Justin was also touched by his own brilliance, his amazing skills in that bootleg Pink acrobat bit, his fortune cookie monologue and his impeccable dancing, which was very “toddler who really has to take a piss while playing Dance Dance Revolution.” Click to the end if you want to see Justin Bieber transform into a real-life Tender Tears Baby Doll.

BRB going to watch this @justinbieber #VMA performance 1,000,000 times http://t.co/8QReVFULQD

— MTV (@MTV) August 31, 2015

Justin also released the video for his new song “What Do You Mean?” last night and I made it about 90 seconds in before I stopped watching. I don’t want to get a visit from the FBI because I watched Justin Bieber hump on some model.

And here’s Justin Bieber working his new wave guinea pig hairstyle last night. He probably thinks he’s giving us Leonardo DiCaprio in the 90s, but he’s really giving us Kate Gosselin if Kate Gosselin was an assistant manager at Urban Outfitters. That hairstyle is also dangerously close to making him look like he’s about to go into an Apple store to scream about how AppleCare told him that he could walk into the store and get the part.

Pics: Getty, Wenn.com

Former Enemies Taylor Swift And Nicki Minaj Opened The VMAs Last Night, Because Of Course They Did

Well, there you have it. Taylor Swift and Nicki Minaj are friends now…or at least whatever the word is for when you can tolerate someone just enough to keep from hissing “What’s good” at them. Friends for publicity? Sure, that’ll do.

Nicki opened Miley Cyrus’ baby candy raver spectacular (aka the MTV VMAs) last night, then sometime in the middle of her performance, Tay Tay pulled a “Please welcome to the stage…” on herself and joined Nicki for “The Night Is Still Young.” And because Taylor is the cheerleader who cries if she doesn’t get the top spot on the pyramid, of course she rose from the ground with a million spotlights on her and closed Nicki’s performance with “Bad Blood.” Then, to prove they really really don’t hate each other anymore, Taylor gave Nicki a side-hug. Awww, what a totally sincere and not at all staged act of friendship.

.@NICKIMINAJ just killed it opening the #VMAs and so did her special guest! http://t.co/Xpl2djiKQ4

— MTV (@MTV) August 31, 2015

As awkward as it is watching Taylor try to dance ~sexy~ next to Nicki, it’s still nowhere near as awkward as watching her cringey attempt at a Liz Taylor impression in the video for “Wildest Dreams“, which premiered last night.

But back to Tay Tay and her new friend Nicki. After they were done performing, Taylor took Nicki backstage and initiated her into her gang of famous friends by piercing her pinky finger with the sharp pointy end of a candy cane and making her swear on a stack of vintage American Girl magazines that she would be loyal to Taylor forever or risk becoming banished to friendship purgatory with the rest of the “Katys.” Once the ceremony was complete, Taylor gave her another side-hug and said “You know, Miley Cyrus recently said some not-nice things about me…uh, I mean…you. Doesn’t that make you mad? Like, mad enough to call her out on stage? I dunno, just putting it out there. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to try to recruit the future First Lady.”

Speaking of friends for publicity, here’s Tay Tay with about 1/8th of the Sugar Cookie Gang before the show:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Kanye West Is Running For President In 2020

If you’re reading this and you watched all of the MTV VMAs tonight, then congratulations, you survived Kanye West’s 15-hour-long speech, which was a cross between “mentally ill person cursing at everyone on the subway at 7am” and a stoned Stuart Smalley’s TED Talk.

Taylor Swift presented Kanye West with his Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Sward tonight, because duh, and when he got a hold of that mic, he took us on a journey from WTF to STFU. Kanye shit on the idea of “pitting” artists against artists and even took a messy, sloppy diarrhea on MTV for advertising that Taylor Swift was going to present him with his award. (In MTV’s defense, they never announced that the yodeling broomstick was going to present Kanye with his award.) Kanye’s anti-award show speech was a rambling mess of WHAT, and what distracted me most was the fact that I dressed up more for the VMAs than Kanye did. (FYI: I wore stained shorts and a Dollywood t-shirt while watching the VMAs.)

At the end of Kanye’s word salad of a speech, he announced that he’s running for President in 2020. Somewhere, Ray-J’s boomerang dick felt really good about itself, because in the future, it will be able to say that it once pissed on the First Lady.

Does he have your vote America? @kanyewest accepts the Video Vanguard award http://t.co/pyg3SBh8gq

— MTV (@MTV) August 31, 2015

And of course, Donald Trump just had to tweet this:

Who does Kanye think he is running for president? What experience does he have? None.

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonldTrump) August 31, 2015

I think we’re all overdosing on irony.

UPDATE: Thank you to everyone who pointed out that Trump account is a fake Trump account. But yes, Trump probably thought that for real and yes, I am 100% S.O.B.E.R (So Obviously Blasted & Enormously Ripped).

Pics: Getty, Wenn.com

Nicki Minaj Is Going To Beat The Pasties Off Of Miley Cyrus (But Probably Not)

A few days ago, a New York Times interview came out where Miley Cyrus basically labeled Nicki Minaj as a “bitch” and schooled her on the right way to talk about race.

A little over a month ago, Nicki wondered why Anaconda wasn’t nominated for Best Video of the Year at the VMAs and went on to tweet that black women influence pop culture in a major way and never get rewarded for it. During Miley’s interview with the New York Times, she said that Nicki made it all about Nicki and didn’t go about it the right way. Well, if you guessed that Nicki and Miley would handle their “beef” at the VMAs with a possibly scripted tussle, stick a gold star on your taint, because you got it right!

Nicki won Best Hip-Hop Video for Anaconda at the MTV VMAs tonight and at the end of her speech, she puffed up her chest, threw cunt eyes over at Miley Cyrus and said, “And now, back to this bitch that had a lot to say about me the other day in the press, Miley what’s good?” Miley, who looked like a Hot Dog on the Stick raver, blurted out some shit about how the media twists things around. If you haven’t already, watch it to see if it’s some STUNT QUEEN shit or not. I’m, of course, scooting over to the STUNT QUEEN side because of Nicki’s little smirk.

Fake or not, I will totally hold Nicki’s Secret Bangs™ if she needs to handle a ho.

UPDATE: Here’s the look Miley made when Nicki came for her:

I'm living for this RT @bocaslayed: IM SCREAMING. @NICKIMINAJ @MileyCyrus #VMAs pic.twitter.com/2mRB9uk4sI

— kel$ (@kelsproff) August 31, 2015

Maybe Nicki’s rage toward Miley was real? I mean, that is the same face I made when I realized that I just cursed in front of my abuelita.

Pics: Getty, Wenn.com

As Expected, Miley Cyrus Gave You Demure Modesty At The MTV VMAs

If Jane Child and an extra slow, huffing-addicted Predator had a toilet baby and that toilet baby grew up to star in a low-budget porn parody of Barbarella, it would look like the hillbilly chipmunk at tonight’s MTV VMAs.

Miley Cyrus, who is putting the HO in host tonight, showed up to the VMAs looking like a morning-shift prostitution whore-ah in the Battlefield Earth universe. Kelly Preston is probably sitting next to John Travolta and wondering why his ass area is putting out sounds that sound like a puppy licking its mouth after eating peanut butter. Oh, it’s just John’s b-hole puckering from seeing Miley done up like an extravagant Scientology whore.

And if Billy Ray Cyrus gets drunk enough tonight, he’s totally going to sing “Phantom of the Opera” while pretending that the chandelier covering Miley’s crotch is hitting him. Yes, I just showed my theater queen-self with that line.

Pics: Getty

Frankie Grande’s Sister Brought True Toddler Hoochie 90s Hooker Glamour To The VMA Red Carpet

…because DUH, where else is a toddler-faced hoochie supposed to bring it? Just like how Chuck E. Cheese is the place where a kid can be a kid, the red carpet at the VMAs is the place where a sexy fetus can dress in 90s day-shift streetwalker couture and the only thing people will wonder is whether or not her skirt is short enough. You should be dressed slutty enough that someone calls both the vice squad and CPS.

Ariana Grande Latte, the sexy rhythm-deficient singing fetus and Frankie Grande’s less famous sister, did what Ariana Grande Latte do best by by showing up to the VMAs looking like she was ready to turn tricks for Milli Vanilli’s Moonman, then find a no-good Kindergartener named Raiyden to which she can sell the Moonman for a bag of animal crackers and a Capri Sun. The only thing she needs to complete the look is a purse to carry the cellphone Frankie gave her (for when he needs to call her up and prove to people that he’s related to Ariana Grande), and she’s ready to hit the stroll! Click clack, pretend to make that Playskool money, honey! Although I have to deduct points for originality, since Paisley from Toddlers & Tiaras already did it first and, to be quite honest, better. But A+ for execution, no doubt about that.

Here’s more from the VMA red carpet, including JLo (who looked bueno, but also sort of like the Madame Tussauds version of herself), Jessie J wearing an IKEA curtain panel, Iggy Azalea looking like the princess of a far away land called Strippertonia, Charli XCX looking like Marsupilami’s skanky cousin, and a very knocked-up Kelly Rowland in Heidi hair.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com