Category: VMAs
Ireland Baldwin and Angel Haze Are Still Scissoring
Actually, I just saw some vid in which a few surveyed lesbians rolled their eyes at the scissoring assumption. Let me state for the record that just because you’re dykes, it doesn’t necessarily mean your baginas are at sexy cross purposes with each other. It’s a goddamn stereotype and the world needs less of those!
Now that we have that out of the way, judging by their appearance together at last night’s VMAs…uh, wait – what do I call her? I’m talking about the blonde. Hmm. Let’s go with “Instagram star” (?)(I don’t see another occupation anywhere) Ireland Baldwin and hip-hop artist Angel Haze are still scissoring. Hell, judging by the grin on Angel’s chops, her honeypot was already up on Ireland’s face in the limo on the way over. Or that’s the plan for the ride home.
There will probably be a special pullout section in The Independent wherein Angel emphasizes repeatedly and firmly that they are indeed still scissoring. This is not a friends thing. This is a fuck thing. Repeat after her. Watch for it.
These two make for a striking couple. It’s not because they’re gay and interracial. It’s the height difference! It probably takes Angel a full half-hour to get from Ireland’s mouth to her baldwin! They make out, and then Ireland Instagrams the top of Angel’s head going away and down, pulls out a magazine, checks her e-mail and finally receives her angelic pussy visitation. Sometimes it takes longer because Angel stops for a nap in the yawning crevasse between Ireland’s breasts. I don’t know what went wrong between those two, but one of them is holding a serious grudge.
“Rude, thoughtless little pig.” I’m sorry, but you can’t post about Ireland Baldwin without typing that. It’s a rule.
Pics: WENN
Nicki Minaj’s Dress Announced “I Quit This Bitch, Literally” Seconds Into Her VMA Performance
I guess Nicki Minaj’s Tupperware GladWare titties were tired of playing second fiddle to her spotlight-stealing bulbasaur ass, because last night during her performance of “Bang Bang” with Jessie J and Frankie Grande’s “mega mega popstar” sister Ariana (who looked sort of like a slutty toddler version of Julia Roberts at the 2001 Oscars) at the VMAs, her boobs broke free and tried to steal the show. When it came time for Nicki to change from her “Anaconda” costume of Poison Ivy’s underwear to a black zip-up dress for “Bang Bang”, Us Weekly says that shit backstage turned into the scene from Mean Girls where Karen struggles to zip Regina George into her Spring Fling dress, because a source claims that bitch was trying to make a too-small dress happen, and it was NOT going to happen. Continue reading
Miley Cyrus Dedicated Her VMA Award Win To Homeless Youth
Last night the VMA for video of the year went to Towelie’s hillbilly human cousin Miley Cyrus and her video for “Wrecking Ball”, but instead of calling professional creepy uncle Terry Richardson up on stage to say thanks for directing her to hump on the chain of a wrecking ball in her hillbilly birthday suit (ie. naked + work boots) and giving the entire audience a major case of the not-rights, Miley stayed seated and gave up her acceptance speech to a formerly-homeless dude named Jesse, who used his time on stage to bring awareness to the 54,000 homeless people in Los Angeles.
Jesse (who kind of looks like a hot Chad Kroeger)(that might have been the most unintentionally insulting thing I’ve ever said, I’m sorry Jesse) then urged Miley’s fans to visit her Facebook page to donate money to a homeless outreach called My Friend’s Place. All of it made Miley so overcome with e-mo-shun that she weeped chipmunk tears of joy, and the appearance of tears usually mean the VMAs were experiencing a ~deep~ moment, which means those klassless Kardashian hookers were probably Instagramming selfies of their tits and asking “Ew, what’s a homeless??”
But Miley’s philanthropy didn’t stop there. Earlier in the evening on the red carpet, Miley admitted that you’ll never have to reach for the brain bleach ever again, because she’s putting her canned chicken ass back in the can and retired from twerking. Miley admitted that after seeing Nicki Minaj’s glorious picnic jello salad ass destroy twerking in the video for “Anaconda”, she knew that bouncing her bony backwoods butt in a pair of butterscotch Pudding Roll-Ups underpants just wasn’t going to cut it anymore. Not to mention that her rancid mange-covered tongue only made but a brief appearance on the red carpet, AND she kept her possum-with-alopecia pussy and redneck nips covered? Miley is truly working on a whole ‘nother level of humanitarianism.
Good Morning, Let’s All Stare At Taylor Swift’s Snatch Zone Together…
Since Taylor Swift is trying to be a total pop star now and pop stars are allergic to pants, she showed up to the MTV VMAs yesterday in a weird ass romper onesie thing that made it look like her Raspberry Tart was queefing up the alphabet. It looks like her pussy was screaming out a Harry Potter spell.
When pictures of Tay Tay’s error 404 ass hanging out of that onesie came out yesterday, I spent way too much trying to crack the code over her coochie wedgie. The letter “V” stamped on her vagine is an elegant touch, but I really don’t want to spend my Sunday, Monday, Tuesday or any other day staring at her down low apple orchard and searching for her camel toe. “Searching For Taylor Swift’s Camel Toe” sounds like the most terrifying horror movie of all time.
Some whores on Twitter and Tumblr said that Tay Tay’s onesie looked like something their baby would wear. Okay, what in the hell kind of GD baby would wear that shit? That mess looks more like the modest swimsuit that a rebellious muslim would wear when she wants to rebel by showing some skin but doesn’t want to go too crazy.
And if you missed Tay Tay thinking she’s Roxie Hart during her VMAs performance of that “Shake It Off” song, click here to watch it. Below is Taylor’s “isolated vocals” from her performance courtesy of Deadspin. If you don’t want your neighbors to call the ASPCA to report a raccoon getting strangled in your house, listen to it with the volume all the way down.
If there was one time when the ears of humanity needed Kanye to snatch the mic away from Taylor, it was last night.
Pics: Wenn.com
Beyoncé And Jay-Z Pulled Out All The Stunt Queen Stops At The VMAs Last Night
Well, looks like I just lost $50 in the Dlisted office pool. In a foolish act of Baileys-fueled regret, I put all my money on betting that Beyoncé would open her performance at the VMAs last night with a pre-taped video of her and Jay-Z backstage signing divorce papers with their lawyer (Blue Ivy Carter, Esq.), followed by her walking out on stage and singing a bunch of lyrics about true love and shit, then closing the show by inviting Jay-Z on stage with an ordained minister (Rev. Blue Ivy Carter) to get legally re-married. Instead, we got nearly 20 minutes of Beyoncé doing classic Beyoncé (HAIR! HANDS! FACE FACE FACE!) while singing every single damn Beyoncé song in existence, and now I’m out $50. Terrific. Sure, technically we did get a couple of assholes, but they were covered in gold glitter.
However, she did manage to squeeze in some classic Stuntyoncé at the end of her performance, when Jay in one of Run DMC’s hats came out to present Beyoncé with the Vanguard Award along with her holiness, Blue Ivy. Of course, Yawn-cé made sure to give Jay-Z a big kiss (closed-mouthed) and act like the three of them were a damn come-to-life set of Heart Family dolls.
Ugh, I know I’m being a hater (send all emails to [email protected]) and yes, the Vines of Jay watching Blue Blue dancing along to Bey and Blue saying “Go Mommy!” are adorable, but we all know her and Jay are fucking done, so why even trot him out and make him participate in that tired shit? Bey didn’t need Jay there; Blue Ivy could have presented that award all by herself. Then again, if MTV had given Blue Ivy the Vanguard Award to present to her mother, she probably would have just crawled up to the mic and announced “the recipient of the Vanguard Award is…myself. Thank you”, since everyone knows she’s the real vanguard here.
And here’s Bey before her publicity stunt performance and after looking both times like a very fancy Barbie doll.
Suge Knight Shot Multiple Times At Chris Brown’s Pre-VMAs Bloodbath
Chile, I am barely in the door and someone shoots Suge Knight at Chris Brown’s VMAs party! It’s like they knew I was making a cameo here at DListed once again! Why the fuck do I have to do all the heavy-lifting all of a sudden? It’s intimidating! Allison, where are you, girl? Michael K. is off in Cancun adding to his collection of dirty dicks (“acid reflux”, my fat Irish ass – you know dirty dicks are bad for your health) and someone shoots a celebrity and misses Chris Brown!
Death Row Records founder (and longtime walking target) Suge Knight was shot multiple times when someone started firing at Fist Brown’s pre-MTV VMAs kiki at 10OAK in West Hollywood early this morning. Besides Suge, three other people were shot and one is reportedly in critical condition. I would point out that, in a less ridiculous world, this post would be about the poor bastard who is at death’s door as opposed to big ole’ bullet cozy Suge. But I don’t want Suge to get out of ICU and hang my ass over a balcony.
Shots rang out in the packed nightclub around 1:30 AM, sending people dropping their drinks and running for the exits. You can watch the kind of upsetting vid via The Daily Mail below. The genius standing on top of the club banquette yelling at people and making himself an easy target AFTER BITCHES WERE SHOOTING EACH OTHER on the premises is reportedly Breezy. Ugh, keep tempting that fate, Chris.