Are you sitting down? Then lie down because I have some shocking, earth-shattering news that will change the way you view reality and the world at large. Kim Kardashian of fame whore fame not only helps set up her “candid” paparazzi shots, but she also touches them up herself. I know. Who knew Kim knew how to operate Photoshop, much less a computer?
Stop the presses! A Kardashian appeared in public with a noticeably smaller ass! Khloe Kardashian attended a screening of The Kardashians finale wearing a white bodysuit, and some people online noticed that 37-year-old Khloe’s normally shelf-like butt looked, dare I say… normal? Human-like? Like she hasn’t accidentally sat down on a live hornet’s nest?
Madonna’s stunt butt is back (possibly on loan from Tom Cruise as they’re completely useless in space). On New Years Eve of 2019 at The Stonewall Inn, Madonna reminded us all that she’s the original Material Girl due to the copious yards of material it took to fully envelop her laughably augmented ass. We never learned what the ass was made of (feathers, silicone, shop rags, helium?) because Madonna told us to mind our own business. However, Madonna dropped a clue on Instagram. Careful observers can deduce that it does not consist of an enlarged nubbin of cartilage because Madonna announced that she’s excited to undergo long awaited “regenerative treatment” for missing cartilage. So lay those rumors to rest. Madonna’s fake ass is not made from upcycled nose job trimmings!
I knew we hadn’t seen nor heard the last of Madonna after she brought in the new year with a booty so ridiculously big it would make the cast of any Love and Hip Hop show say, “Ewww.” Everyone knows that Madge is controversy personified and never bites her tongue, so now she has a message for those of us who have something to say about her new ass: we can all pucker up and kiss those pads now!
For many years Madonna has been credited as the “mother of reinvention,” which is basically Hollywood-speak for “she don’t miss a gimmick”. One gimmick she should have missed entirely is the current trend of concrete filled gargantuan asses because it ain’t a good look for her. But when has looking ridiculous ever stopped Madge the Vadge from creeping us all out?
In the opening scene of 2008’s Valkyrie, Tom Cruise gets knocked over by an explosion and as he gets up, he sticks dat ass out and it looks like he’s presenting his hungry hole to a top. An ass aficionado (assicionado?) on Twitter, perfectly named @iluvbutts247, noticed the giant Tempur-Pedic peach on Tom’s ass area, and in their expert opinion, it looked like he was wearing the pillow bump that Katie Holmes allegedly wore as the real Suri Cruise was being grown in a Scientology lab on Gold Base. But while Tommy may be a big fake ass, he didn’t wear one in Valkyrie, or so he says.