Madonna’s stunt butt is back (possibly on loan from Tom Cruise as they’re completely useless in space). On New Years Eve of 2019 at The Stonewall Inn, Madonna reminded us all that she’s the original Material Girl due to the copious yards of material it took to fully envelop her laughably augmented ass. We never learned what the ass was made of (feathers, silicone, shop rags, helium?) because Madonna told us to mind our own business. However, Madonna dropped a clue on Instagram. Careful observers can deduce that it does not consist of an enlarged nubbin of cartilage because Madonna announced that she’s excited to undergo long awaited “regenerative treatment” for missing cartilage. So lay those rumors to rest. Madonna’s fake ass is not made from upcycled nose job trimmings!
I knew we hadn’t seen nor heard the last of Madonna after she brought in the new year with a booty so ridiculously big it would make the cast of any Love and Hip Hop show say, “Ewww.” Everyone knows that Madge is controversy personified and never bites her tongue, so now she has a message for those of us who have something to say about her new ass: we can all pucker up and kiss those pads now!
For many years Madonna has been credited as the “mother of reinvention,” which is basically Hollywood-speak for “she don’t miss a gimmick”. One gimmick she should have missed entirely is the current trend of concrete filled gargantuan asses because it ain’t a good look for her. But when has looking ridiculous ever stopped Madge the Vadge from creeping us all out?
In the opening scene of 2008’s Valkyrie, Tom Cruise gets knocked over by an explosion and as he gets up, he sticks dat ass out and it looks like he’s presenting his hungry hole to a top. An ass aficionado (assicionado?) on Twitter, perfectly named @iluvbutts247, noticed the giant Tempur-Pedic peach on Tom’s ass area, and in their expert opinion, it looked like he was wearing the pillow bump that Katie Holmes allegedly wore as the real Suri Cruise was being grown in a Scientology lab on Gold Base. But while Tommy may be a big fake ass, he didn’t wear one in Valkyrie, or so he says.
An eagle-eyed butt connoisseur was watching Tom Cruise in Valkyrie and noticed that the star’s ass looked suspiciously juicy. He screen captured the image and #tooktotwitter to posit a theory that the diminutive actor wears a fake butt.
When the kids aren’t screaming over the drama between that one who left Fifth Harmony and the other Harmonies (translation for the oldies: it’s like Ginger leaving the Spice Girls, I think), they’re brain-burping up giant question marks over LiLo-in-training (copyright: Pop Culture Died in 2009) and my favorite ginger teen mess Bella Thorne doing a couple-y photo-op with Charlie Puth on a beach in Miami. If you’re an old who’s brain-burping up a giant question mark over the name “Charlie Puth,” he’s the Nickelodeon-ized Andy Samberg/Sam Smith hybrid who is responsible for causing Marvin Gaye’s body to roll into a pile of skeleton dust.