When we last left Mama June Shannon last year, she had just married her boyfriend of a year Justin Stroud. Before that, she was in a messy, messy relationship with Gene Doak that involved a DUI crash, drug-induced fights, and June getting busted for drug possession in Alabama. Mama June is sober now, and while promoting her new series Mama June: Family Crisis, she tells The Daily Mail that she really, really regrets blowing through $1 million in drugs. But Mama June is on a budget now, so she’s probably strictly using generic brand ketchup and butter for her world-famous sketti sauce.
It’s been a minute since we’ve heard any news about mother of every year “Mama June” Shannon. I’d assumed that in her downtime she was just sitting around on the front porch; gnats gnawin’ on forklift foot while gummin’ on sketti and waiting for her next opportunity to assault our eyes and ears and exploit her poor daughters in front of a TV camera. Apparently, it isn’t safe to assume that hearing no news about her is good news, because the “Matron of Marannaise” herself was spending her time putting in the work to further fuck up her family members’ lives and got secret quickie-married two months ago to her newest questionable decision.
Is anyone else super distracted by the gorgeous eyelashes on the human angel hovering over Mama June’s left shoulder? Just me? Ok.
Ketchup-dipped deep-fried mother of the year Mama June has been on the receiving end of some unwanted Facebook attention. You know, aside from the never-ending FarmVille requests and direct messages from prisoners that begin with “Hey, so I’m up for parole at the end of the month…“. According to TMZ, a dude named Andrew Kurt Summers threatened to shoot both Mama June and her daughter Pumpkin on Facebook. TMZ says Mama June told them she takes threats against her family very seriously (“Oh shit, we’re next!” screamed type 2 diabetes), so she called the cops.
But the police didn’t have to work very hard to find Andrew Kurt Summers; he turned himself in on Monday, and was later released on $15,000 bail. He now faces a charge of making “terroristic threats.” But Andrew Kurt Summers tells TMZ that he didn’t actually want to shoot Mama June and Pumpkin; according to Andrew, he left the comment about shooting Mama June and Pumpkin as a “joke” after hearing she was maybe dating a child molester and deciding to troll her Facebook page.
No word on who bailed Andrew Kurt Summers out, but my guess is it was Mama June. What? Andrew Kurt Summers is totally her type: a shady-looking dirtbag who is a danger to her children.
When we last left the sad puddle of diarrhea and rotten sketti sauce that is the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo saga, Anna “Chickadee” Cardwell had told Entertainment Tonight that she feels betrayed by Not The Mama June and it hurts seeing her pathetic excuse for a mother smiling while hanging around Mark McDaniel, the corroded ass wart who molested her when she was a little girl. Since then Anna told Dr. Drew on his HLN show that June the Hutt’s second youngest daughter Pumpkin thinks Mark McDaniel is her father. Anna said that June the Hutt has made Pumpkin believe that Mark McDaniel is her dad and that is why Pumpkin is pissed off at her right now.
Well, the creature whom Kelly LeBrock turned into a mountain of wet shit many years ago gave an interview to Entertainment Tonight and said that the convicted sex offender who molested Anna isn’t Pumpkin’s father, but a different convicted sex offender is. June the Hutt really does love those pedos. The National Sex Offender Registry is her Tinder.
No-Kind-Of-Mama June’s EXCLUSIVO interview with E! News airs tonight and from what I’ve read, it doesn’t look like she says much besides, “THE TRUTH WILL COME OUT!” You know when someone’s full of fat rich lies when they say, “THE TRUTH WILL COME OUT!” Something tells me this “truth” that Mama June speaks of will look a lot like what came out of her ass this morning after she ate her usual breakfast of deep fried sugar cubes and melted butter.
Meanwhile, June’s eldest daughter, 20-year-old Anna Cardwell, continued to speak out against her mother’s hurtful, shit decisions in an interview with Entertainment Tonight that airs tomorrow night. Anna says that it hurts her seeing her mom looking like a shiny happy piece of trash while hanging around Mark McDaniel, the convicted pedophile who molested her when she was 8. Anna has talked to June and begged her to not let that monster around 9-year-old Honey Boo Boo and 14-year-old Pumpkin. Anna says that she’s obviously hurt and feels betrayed because her mom chose a pedophile shit dingle over her.
“Uncle Poodle And Pumpkin Have It Out On Social Media” is a Golden Books title I never thought I’d read…
Mama June and her Country Bear Jamboree-named family should probably have it out in a closed therapist’s office before CPS busts through the doors and puts all the chirrun in the custody of a more responsible individual like Glitzy the pig or a jar of old sketti sauce. But since Mama June has proved that she’s full of a lot of things and sense isn’t one of them, she’s not doing that. Instead, they’re airing out their shit-stained, barf-covered laundry all over Facebook and Instagram.
The messiness started last night when Mama June’s daughter, 14-year-old Pumpkin, shanked at the Instagram users who called out her mom as the shittiest parent of the century for dating the convicted pedophile that her own daughter accused of molesting her when she was 8. Instagram is now covered in pumpkin seeds and gunk, because Pumpkin exploded and accused Anna of lying about the molestation and then called out Sugar Bear’s brother Uncle Poodle as the one who started the quick demise of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo by selling fake stories to TMZ because he needs the cash.