If your Sunday ritual of eating oatmeal and reading the newspaper while listening to “A Prairie Home Companion” was rudely interrupted by the Emergency Broadcast System this morning, here’s why. TMZ had to cut in to give the world the breaking news that Justin Bieber has become engaged to Hailey Baldwin! Somebody check on Selena Gomez, because she either pulled a back muscle from dodging that bullet, or she’s working on a plan to upstage Justin’s engagement by getting her friend Justin Theroux to drop to a knee and put a ring on that finger in front of the paps.
The 2 women who say they saw the engagement go down claim it was at a resort in the Bahamas. They say everyone was at a restaurant on the property doing salsa dancing when Justin’s security told everyone to put their phones away, because something special was about to happen.
They say Justin then proposed in front of everyone.
A salsa dancing crowd of strangers being unwillingly pulled into an engagement scenario while being chastised to put their phones away because something special was going to happen? I’d be pissed, because I’d rather watch tourists butcher salsa dance moves than watch a PR stunt where the Prince of Hillsong proposes to Stephen Baldwin’s daughter as the David Miscavige to his Tom Cruise slobbers in excitement over how much attention this is going to bring “the church.”
Hailey and Justin have done the break-up/make-up thing in the past, but they’ve been full-time into each other’s parts for about a month now. Neither have released a statement about this act of pure love yet, but you can always count on Justin Bieber’s dad to earn his weekly allowance by sliding himself into the narrative with a vaguely concealed confirmation of the engagement on Instagram:
There are only two things I really want to know. 1.: Will Uncle Alec Baldwin be in attendance in full Donald Trump drag? And 2.: Will Aunt Chynna and Wilson Phillips be performing at the wedding?
Okay, three things. I don’t know who to feel more sorry for in this situation: Justin Bieber for getting Stephen Baldwin as a father-in-law or Stephen Baldwin for getting Justin Bieber as a son-in-law. Yeah, neither. They deserve each other.