Since TLC is basically just one long never-ending episode of Maury, one of the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo “holladay” specials will feature Mama June facing her greatest fear, which surprisingly isn’t vegetables that haven’t been deep fried in cheese oil and covered in ranch dressing. The heaves crawl up Mama June’s sketti sauce-covered froat when she thinks of MARANNAISE!
While working the hell out of her newly straightened bayootiful yallaw hayer-ah (yes, Tim Peeler would hit that while blowing his coyote horn), Mama June tells her tribe of adorable sugar-coated diabetes drops that her hate for mayonnaise was born when she was a kid because her babysitter only fed her mayo sandwiches. Mama June can easily swallow up bowls of macaroni (air kiss to Simply Sara) and coleslaw salad, but she can’t make it herself and she has a hard time looking at mayo in its raw, delicious state. Mama June’s mayo phobia is a little strange, because I’m sure if you cracked two raw eggs between her luscious triple decker chins and rubbed all her chins together, out would squirt the most delicious bacon cheddar marannaise you’ve ever tasted.
Mama June’s talk about her mayo fears then leads to Chickfila and Snickerdoodle (or whatever their names are) fighting over whether or not vegamatarians eat marannaise. They’re confusing vegans with vegamatarians, but let them argue, because the way they say mayonnaise takes me up, up and away.
And I cannot relate to Mama June’s fear of mayo. My tongue is to mayo as gnats are to the sour cream crusties on Mama June’s forklift foot. I love it. I can bathe in mayo, brush my teeth with mayo, moisturize my ass cheeks with mayo, wet my contact lenses with mayo and I can even use mayo as lube. So this is good news, because it means there’s MORE MARANNAISE FOR ME! Because if Mama June loved marannaise as much as I do, there’d be a nationwide shortage and I’d have to deliver a screeching marannaise message on YouTube.