Serena Williams’ Nipples Are Just Too Distracting For Some Wimbledon Viewers

There will be some of you who think this is a picture of Serena Williams at Wimbledon. Others who have no idea what tennis is might think it’s a picture of a lady in a white turtleneck dress holding an invisible Shake Weight. But for some people on the internet, all they see is nipples. NIPPLES! So many nipples! Shield your eyes! Get the kids out of the room! NSFW!!!

According to The Daily Mail, some people watching Serena’s recent semi-finals match at home were having a really difficult time because their eyes kept getting distracted by Serena’s nipples. I’m sure this is where you’re wondering “Distracting, how?” Like, were they yelling shit out on the court? Were they constantly winking at the ball boy? Were they Snapchatting every play and using the doggy face filter on the ref? No. They were just there, in high definition on people’s televisions. And it got them so upset, they took to Twitter to complain. “Should I fill them in on the irony of complaining about nipples on a platform in which the mascot belongs to a species that includes the Booby and the Tit?” thought the Twitter bird.

The Daily Mail has compiled a collection of tweets about Serena Williams’ nipples, and in their words, people are “outraged.” But they’re pretty much what you’d expect from online Nipple Haters. Stuff like “Pls put them away” and “Serena Williams’ nipples are literally in HD.” Yes, believe it, that last one was a complaint.

In case you care more about Serena Williams than her nipples, she recently advanced to the finals. If she wins, it will be her sixth Wimbledon win.

To paraphrase Tommy Lee Jones, I cannot sanction this buffoonery. Nipples are like built-in flare; they have the ability to bring a certain je ne sais quoi to any ensemble. But what if you don’t want your nipples out there? Too damn bad, nipples are unpredictable! If a nipple wants to pop out and say “haaaay!” to everyone, they’re going to do it and no amount of fabric will stop them. Nipples are the no-fucks-given grandma of the human body. You can’t fight them, they’re going to do whatever they want!

Pic: Splash

Open Post: Hosted By Serena Williams Murdering Her Racquet

Remind me to never get Serena Williams’ order wrong at the drive-through. She will come through a wall and beat you with the fry-o-lator, judging by this footage of her taking a hissy fit out on her poor racquet at Wimbledon. Serena apparently felt that her match wasn’t going well so she smashed her sporting equipment and then disposed of the body by carelessly flinging it behind her. Cold. She was fined for this behavior but she’s still free to walk the streets. Who knows how many racquets have been beaten to death and unceremoniously tossed into the bushes behind her mansion’s tennis court? Someone call Dateline NBC.

Watch Serena Williams lose it on her racquet below.

Amy Schumer Went Topless For The Pirelli Calendar

Every year, the fancy Pirelli calendar is usually filled with naked models being artsy and naked. But this year, Pirelli changed shit up and replaced model nipples with pictures of women who are mostly known for their brains and skills and shit. There’s not much nudity in it and most of the women are fully clothed. First Playboy announces that they are de-Playboy-ing themselves by not showing Photoshopped naked chicks anymore and now Pirelli has also decided to not show lady nipples? Why won’t anyone think of the straight male boners!?! What are straight dudes supposed to jack off to now? Where are straight dudes supposed to get their fapping material? Oh yeah, I guess there is that thing called “the Internet.”

Harper’s Bazaar says that Pirelli hired Annie Leibovitz to shoot artsy black and white pictures of Patti Smith, blogger/actress Tavi Gevinson, director Ava Duvernay, actress Yao Chen, man shorts hater Fran Lebowitz, Serena Williams, Yoko Ono, movie producer Kathleen Kennedy, philanthropist Agnes Gund, businesswoman Mellody Hobson, artist Shirin Neshat, model Natalia Vodianova and Amy Schumer. Only a few of the pictures have been released so far, but it looks like Serena and Amy are the only ones who posed without a top on.

In Amy’s HBO special, she jokes a lot about how she’s the “fat comedian” and how she’s constantly shoveling everything from This Is Why You’re Fat into her mouth. So I didn’t expect her to look like that in her panties. I expected her to look like the giant lump of lard that my abuelita kept in an old Ragu jar under the kitchen sink for years. (Side note: That jar of lard mysteriously went missing a while ago and I’m guessing that it moved to New York, became a real estate mogul and is now running for president.)

And I am all for Pirelli giving us “real” poses, but did they have to choose a picture where Amy Schumer looks like she’s squeezing out a shit on the toilet while drinking coffee before getting dressed for work? Well, the Pirelli calendar is for rich dudes and “ladies taking a dump while drinking coffee” does sound like a weird rich dude fetish.

Serena Williams And Her Biggest Groupie Really Are Boning

For what feels like months, if not years, if not decades, if not centuries, there’s been rumors that Serena Williams has jumped off of her coach’s crotch and jumped on the crotch of her biggest fan, the sensitive Canadian prince we call Drake. Drake has been to several of Serena’s matches and many hos have said that their genitals are becoming one. Today, TMZ posted pictures of what looks like Drake getting into some neck nuzzling action with Serena Williams at an Italian restaurant in Cincinnati, OH last night. Drake and Serena are THAT couple who make you want to heave up bits of baked ziti by getting into public displays of affection at the dinner table. Well, at least it doesn’t look like they went full gross PDA in an Italian restaurant by reenacting the spaghetti kiss scene from Lady and the Tramp. I’ve seen a couple do that in real-life at an Italian restaurant and I’ve never wanted to shit on someone’s lasagna until I witnessed that gross display go down.

TMZ says that hours after Serena won the Cincinnati Masters, she, Drake and some friends had dinner at Sotto restaurant. Drake and Serena were in a private room in the back of the restaurant, but a private room is not so private when the curtain is left open and everyone in the restaurant can you see making out with your piece’s neck.

TMZ has more pictures of Drake and Serena necking (or is he motorboating her in that picture?). They’re either hugging on each other or Drake is a vampire and he’s sucking Serena’s blood.

I always figured that Drake is the type who goes to the bathroom and silently weeps on the floor after sex. I bet that after he fucks Serena, he straight-up bawls while punching the air because he can’t believe that he just sexed on THEE Serena Williams.

That Rumor About Serena Williams And Drake Doing It Is Back

Sorry, professional basketball players and fans who want more pictures of Drake looking like a basketball wife, but it sounds like you’ve lost him to the world of tennis. According to a 100% reliable report from Times Live, we can temporarily put those “Rihanna is/isn’t riding Wheelchair Jimmy’s emergency brake” rumors on hold, because Drake is apparently running his polite Canadian game on Serena Williams right now. Drake followed Serena to Wimbledon, and on the outside they’re playing the “just friends” card, but they were spotted “kissing in the clubhouse” earlier this week, and a source says they’re totally hooking up.

“It’s been pretty obvious that they are together. Even Serena’s team have been talking about it in the clubhouse to a few people they trust. She has been incredibly focused on her title bid. But if she’s had a quiet moment she’s spent it with Drake, even going to watch his Wireless set and having dinners in London.”

Drake has also been Instagramming pictures of Serena and Wimbledon all week. And you know once something makes it to Champagne Papi’s Instagram, it’s real AF.

This isn’t technically the first time 28-year-old Drake and 33-year-old Serena have allegedly dated. Back in 2011, Drake hinted that he was seeing Serena, but he sort of blew it when he started hanging around a model type named Dollicia Bryan. Hopefully he’s smart enough not to make the same mistake a second time. The first time you get called out on Twitter. The second time, you get a visit from Serena’s pal John McEnroe, who proceeds to verbally tear your ass a new one. And really, nobody with ears wants that.

Here’s Drake’s maybe-girlfriend styled up like a Disney princess after her Wimbledon victory on Sunday.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Well, At Least Someone Came To Play

As I said earlier, the Oscars were a boring dress parade and I’ve seen more exciting dresses at my mom’s office holiday party. Well, it looks like all the real glamour and demure sophistication was the Vanity Fair viewing and after-party. Not only was Joan Collins there with a wig hovering above her head like a glorious halo, but Crispo Ronaldo’s ex-piece Irina Shayk and the walking community theater production of RiRi’s life titled Rita Ora all wore hot outfits that let everyone know that they traded in their panties for a stick-on pussy patch.

Irina Shayk’s pantyhose dress thing is like the more modest and athletic cousin of that exquisitely classic, coochie-flashing gown that Jaimie Alexander wore in 2013. My only question besides “How many people were treated for elegance inhalation from being exposed to Irina?” is, “How did she piss?” Was there a discreet zipper involved? A snap-off thing? Or did the crotch area have a small hole where she could just stick in a Go Girl and handle it? Even if she couldn’t piss in that bodysuit gown thing and had to hold it all night, it’s worth it. Getting a bladder infection is worth bringing loads of ravishing glamour to the masses.

I bet across town at Denny’s Oscar viewing party, style icon Edy Williams raised a mug full of pink wine and soda water in the air and toasted to Irina Shayk and Rita Whora. Irina just needed more exposed nipple and a random dog, and her Edy Williams tribute would’ve been perfect.

And here’s at least 10 billion pictures from Vanity Fair’s party including pictures of Joan Collins and Monica Lewinsky (????).

Pics: Wenn.com