RiRi Is No Longer Grinding On Wheelchair Jimmy’s Emergency Brake

If you own a company that makes Kleenex, maple syrup ice cream, or Boys on the Side DVDs, go ahead and order 3 Golden Corral chocolate wonderfalls for the company Christmas party, because it’s about to be a very good week for you. According to Us Weekly, Wheelchair Jimmy aka Ms. Drake if you’re nasty is laying on the couch in his Toronto Raptors Snuggie, eating ice cream from the tub with his bare hands and bursting into tears every time he sees a commercial for Zales, because he and RiRi are OVAH. Someone better call Canada and tell them to put the Queen back on the loonie; it looks like there won’t be a Canadian Princess after all.

“Rihanna and Drake had another fight,” a source tells Us. “He is too in love with her, which has always been the problem. They have been fighting, but that could all change any day now. It is how it always is with them.”

The love that blossomed between the lukewarm bowl of Red River (aka Canada’s oatmeal) and the horny Barbadian blunt-puffer began but a mere three months ago, and already it has been taken out back and given the Old Yeller treatment for the same reason it ended the first time: Wheelchair Jimmy was organizing all the R+WJ monogrammed items in his hope chest while RiRi’s pussy lips were texting every contact in her phone “Yo, u awake? Mi hornee”.

Goddamnit, when is Drake going to learn you can’t tame a true blue slut! Rihanna doesn’t want to stay at home watching 7th Heaven on Netflix while you rub her feet and ask her if she’s had a tough day; she wants to roll around in a pile of strippers and air out her b-hole in French magazines and to hey-hey-hey-hey smoke weed everyday. She doesn’t want to be the Princess of Canada, she wants to be the Duchess of Sucking the Dirty D. Deal with it, Jimmy Brooks.