The presidential election is THEE reality show of America. But instead of winning a prize of 100,000 USD and the title of next drag superstar, you get a shiny nuclear button that has the capacity to devastate millions of lives. Also, the secret service gives you a cool new nickname. That’s the beauty of these United States! Any Joe Schmo can lead the free world if they’re popular enough. Well, almost anyone. The right to rule America is only reserved for citizens born in the US. And apparently, this is the only criterion stopping Arnold Schwarzenegger from becoming number 47.
If you think the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade, effectively stripping millions of Americans of the fundamental human right to decide their own fate, is terrifying, infuriating, and overwhelming for the poorest and most marginalized among us, imagine how hard it must be to be a rich and famous men of this country! As of yet, poor people have been presented with two options — vote or die. But because of their wealth and notoriety, the options are practically endless for America’s richest men. Yesterday we learned that a fed-up Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong announced his intention to renounce his citizenship and move his family to the U.K. And on Monday’s Howard Stern Show, Howard Stern tells us that our best option for restoring reproductive freedom in America is for him to run for president. And his campaign slogan? Just a suggestion but how about — Vote for Me or Die, Bitches! What Else Are You Gonna do? Move to Fucking England? With what Money, You Broke Ass Sluts? I dunno, just throwing it out there. It’s no I Like Ike, but it’s got a nice ring to it, don’t you think?
I blame Ronald Reagan for blurring the line between politics and Hollywood. Pissed about your last reality TV host President? With Kanye West? Arnold Schwarzenegger? Take it up with the Gipper! And they just keep coming. A couple of weeks ago, The Rock said he would consider running for office (if the people wanted it), and now Will Smith has shared he wouldn’t rule out a political career. He dropped this info while co-hosting yesterday’s Pod Save America with Jon Favreau. Continue reading
I’m afraid Kanye West may have gone full Norma Desmond only instead of wearing a turban from the Nick Cannon Collection Pour L’Hommies he wore a bulletproof vest, and it’s his last shred of dignity that’s floating belly up a swimming pool. Yesterday, thousands of Americans who have enough going on as it is, looked on in horror as Kanye held his first campaign rally in Charleston, South Carolina. He should have consulted with his wife Kim Kardashian West about which soft-focus filter to use because while Kanye may have been ready for his close up, the rest of us will never be.
Good news, America! If Kanye West somehow manages to defy the odds and become President in November, he’s not going to be tackling the country’s biggest issues on his own. In fact, he could possibly be tag-teaming the deficit and the sinking economy with the invaluable help of another equally qualified US citizen. That’s right, coming this fall, you just might wake up from the nightmare that has been 2020 to meet a brand new disaster because Caitlyn Jenner wants to be Kanye’s Vice President.
Just when you thought the weighted blanket covered in dogshit that is 2020 couldn’t get any heavier, in comes Kanye West, the living, breathing embodiment of humility and grace to announce that he is running for President––just a few months before voting is set to take place. Oh yes, this is totally not a ploy to get his best friend Donald Trump re-elected. But when are we going to all find out that we died on January 1st and this is hell?