Category: Not Buying What You’re Selling

R. Kelly’s Legal Team Tried To Use MSG As A Defense Against Sexual Assault Accusations

September 10, 2021 / Posted by:

I’ve been around the block enough times to have heard just about every two-bit defense, but R. Kelly’s defense team has recently set a new low standard, which is an achievement, considering I didn’t think it was possible for R. Kelly’s current situation to get any lower. This time, R. Kelly’s lawyers have reached into their good old Bag O’ Legal Nonsense, and pulled out a move that could be laughably boiled down to: “If you ate MSG, he must walk free!

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Costco Sells A $400,000 Diamond Ring And Someone Bought It 

June 1, 2019 / Posted by:

Fucking Costco. The last time I went there I had three things on my list: razor blades, Sonicare toothbrush heads, and soy milk. And did I walk with any of these items? No! Which is not to say I walked away empty handed, because, who doesn’t need a 7 pound bucket of Nutella and the hottest Costco fashions of the day? Today I’ve discovered why Costco is preventing me from moving my Sasquatch winter legs into the shaved legs of summer. Apparently they are too busy stocking secret extravagant items to worry about re-stocking the peasant’s staples. Costco has just reported a gain in their last sales quarter, largely due to the fact that a customer purchased a $400,000 ring (which may or may not be the $420k ring above) from the store. That’s right, Costco, known mostly as the place to buy bulk toilet paper, also carries jewels worth nearly half a million dollars.

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But Would Aunt Becky Approve Of DJ Tanner Growing Up To Be A Submissive Wife?

January 8, 2014 / Posted by:

During an appearance on HuffPost Live (via USWeekly), Candance Cameron Bure of Full House fame defended the views on marital submissiveness that she wrote about in her book Balancing It All: My Story of Juggling Priorities and Purpose.

The definition I’m using with the word ‘submissive’ is the biblical definition of that,” Bure explained. “So, it is meekness, it is not weakness. It is strength under control, it is bridled strength. And that’s what I choose to have in my marriage.

I can’t speak on biblical definitions since I’m still thanking my lucky stars my ass didn’t burst into flames when I did a reading at my friend’s church wedding last year. I’d ask Kirk Cameron for his thoughts since this evangelical stuff is right up his alley, but I wouldn’t want to interrupt one of his anti-gay soliloquies or another depressing birthday party.

Here is an excerpt from Candace’s book about the dynamic between her and husband Valeri Bure:

The former child star wrote, “My husband is a natural-born leader. I quickly learned that I had to find a way of honoring his take-charge personality and not get frustrated about his desire to have the final decision on just about everything. I am not a passive person, but I chose to fall into a more submissive role in our relationship because I wanted to do everything in my power to make my marriage and family work.

I love that my man is a leader. I want him to lead and be the head of our family,” she said. “Those major decisions do fall on him, but it doesn’t mean I don’t voice my opinion or have an opinion, I absolutely do.

But, ultimately, her husband gets the final say. “It is very difficult to have two heads of authority,” Bure explained. “It doesn’t work in military, it doesn’t work — I mean, you have one president, you know what I’m saying?

She further explained: “We are equal in our . . . importance, but we are just different in our performances within our marriage.”

Candace might be onto something here because in the Bure household, there aren’t 20 minute conversations that revolve around where to go for dinner. “I don’t want to pick the restaurant. You always tell me to pick, then you get upset when it’s a place you don’t want to go and get all quiet. I’m not saying you’re a nag, I’m just saying if you tell me up front where you want to go, we wouldn’t have these stupid arguments. No, I didn’t say YOU were stupid, I said the situation is.” That’s about all I’m on board for though.

It’s true that everybody needs to do what they can to tolerate living with someone for the rest of their lives without losing their shit and pushing their significant other down a flight of stairs. Compromise is one of those necessary evils in relationships and it looks like Candace took the meek, biblical wife/dominant husband road while some of us just scream  “IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE ME AT MY KIMMY GIBBLER, YOU SURE AS HELL DON’T DESERVE ME AT MY DJ TANNER!” (you know Marilyn would have loved her some Uncle Jesse).

(Pic: Wenn)

“Kids, Get In Here! Mommy Needs To Stage A Photo!”

January 2, 2014 / Posted by:

If that isn’t the face of a man defeated, I don’t know what is. Dean McDermott probably though his sloppy cheat-game would be his ticket to freedom, but he should know better. Tori Spelling won’t let go! She’s the kind of person who acts like it’s all a big misunderstanding (“He slipped on some ice and fell into her pussy!”) and puts on a happy face like nothing is wrong. Then, after everyone is asleep, she locks herself in her craft room to rage-sew a voodoo doll she calls ‘Homewrecking Hussy’, strangling it with scrap pieces of rickrack and glitter-gluing CLOSE YOUR LEGS TO MARRIED MEN, HO on its face. Look for all this and more in her upcoming book titled Crafts for the saniTORIum.

In the wake of Dean’s gloriously Zzzzzz-worthy Great White North cheating scandal, Tori took to her blog and posted the the second in her series of EVERYTHING’S FINE! homemade photo-ops along with the following note:

Happy New Year everyone! I can NOT believe it’s 2014. Time flies when you’re having fun… and when you have 4 little ones running around! We rang in the New Year with (kid-friendly) cocktails, lots of yummy treats and some quality family time.

Cheers to another year of crafting, cooking, party-planning, family memories, fashion statements, love fests, lots of cozy time, and of course… blogging!

What are you looking forward to in 2014?


That’s really sweet! I think Dean also wrote a note on his blog too:

Happy Tuesday everyone. Or is it Wednesday? I can’t tell; all the calendars in our home have been replaced with portraits of Tori. Had another great year – shout outs to Lisa, Shasta, Emily Handjob, and all the great gals of Hooters North. Don’t forget to watch me host Chopped Canada, because it’s literally the only update made to my resume in nearly 8 years.

Take it sleazy,

Dean’s MO is chasing an unending infinity loop of tail, and Tori’s response is closing her eyes and sticking her fingers in her ears and yelling LA-LA-LA I CAN’T SMELL THE STRANGE ON YOUR DICK, which means this will NEVER FUCKING END. Around March, another ho will come forward saying that Dean laid his “sexless marriage” game on her, and it will be T-minus 10 seconds before Tori puts those kids to work on enough Leprechaun garland to cover Dean’s crotch.

(Pic via

Parasite Hilton Thinks She’s One Of The Top 5 DJ’s In The World

December 27, 2013 / Posted by:

DJ? More like STDJ. More like Dick Jockey. More like unwanted BJ. More like Diseased Junk. More like DJ Dumb Skank. More like Dear Jesus: Why Is This Bitch Still Relevant? I could do this forever, but I doubt any of us have drank the shit from Death Becomes Her that makes you immortal, so I’ll stop and move on.

In a video courtesy of TMZ, a brave cameraman put on his best hazmat suit and approached Paris Hilton to ask her about how successful her – violent eye roll – DJ career is. And holy shit, did we get one of the most delusional sound bites of 2013:

DJ CVS-Brand Valtrex: New Years, I’m playing in Vegas at the Bellagio Hotel at Hyde.

TMZ: How lucrative is that? 

DJ CVS-Brand Valtrex: I’m one of the Top 5 in the world, so…

It’s true, though. Say what you will about Paris Hilton, but she is an accomplished woman who holds several Top 5 records, including the Top 5 Reasons the Deaf Are Thankful and the Top 5 Ways Your Dick Could Rot Off (#2 under Leprosy).

TMZ later spoke to a source close to Paris, who backed up the validity of Paris’s claim, stating that she makes between $100K and $350K an hour DJ-ing. However, Forbes released their second-annual list of 2013’s highest-paid DJ’s, and Paris was notably absent. Ipso fucking facto, Parasite’s claim that she’s one of the Top 5 DJ’s in the World is bullshit. Unless Skrillex, Deadmau5, and Steve Aoki just died in a The Day The Shitty Music Died-style airplane crash and every remaining DJ retired out of respect, she’s still years away from cracking the Forbes Top 5,000 DJ’s list (and that includes your slow cousin fucking around on Pro Tools). But by then, she’ll have gotten bored with DJ-ing and will have moved on to a new hobby to be shitty at, like painting or being a mom (oh god, NO NO NO).

(Pic via Splash)

Lindsey Vonn Is Still Trying To Make Fetch Happen In The Form Of Tiger Woods

November 5, 2013 / Posted by:

In her latest attempt to make the public forget what a mess Tiger Woods can be, Lindsey Vonn trotted herself out onto Katie Couric’s stage (via USWeekly) in her latest bid to convince people Tiger is a low-key, likable guy.

“He’s funny,” Vonn says of Woods with a big smile. “He’s really laid-back. He’s a great guy. He’s always making jokes… very competitive, just like me.”

“We have very similar personalities,” she further explains, “but if there’s one thing I could say: he’s funny. He’s goofy, like dorky goofy.”

“Really?! I don’t know, you just don’t think of Tiger Woods as kind of dorky,” Couric says in disbelief. “He seems like such a cool costumer [sic].”

Vonn jokingly adds, “He’s probably not going to be that excited that I just said that.”

So… he’s competitive and is going to be pissed you called him goofy and  dorky. Sounds totally laid-back to me! I’m not sure what brand of Delusion Juice Lindsey has been drinking, but these two were ridiculous from the get-go, beginning with their Sears portrait studio head shots, with most of the head coming from her. If Tiger is truly always making jokes, there had better be some quality “So I Married An Axe Murderer” lines being thrown at her and that giant face.

I used to work at the same company as Tiger’s half-sister Royce before he hit it really big and she had a bunch of pictures of him hung up in her cubicle. Back then, I might have believed the “he’s just a regular guy” crap, but not after Elingate. No matter how convinced Lindsey is that she can sell him as a Tiger that can change his stick-his-dick-in-anything stripes, it’s just a matter of time before he gets this kind of drunk and starts thrusting on horrified women while singing, “If you like my penis a-lotta” (sorry, Rupert Holmes). He could turn to a life of stand up comedy and I’d still only be able to think of him as an uptight, dickbag golfer banging a waitress who is flying on Red Wings Airlines in a parking lot.

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