Fucking Costco. The last time I went there I had three things on my list: razor blades, Sonicare toothbrush heads, and soy milk. And did I walk with any of these items? No! Which is not to say I walked away empty handed, because, who doesn’t need a 7 pound bucket of Nutella and the hottest Costco fashions of the day? Today I’ve discovered why Costco is preventing me from moving my Sasquatch winter legs into the shaved legs of summer. Apparently they are too busy stocking secret extravagant items to worry about re-stocking the peasant’s staples. Costco has just reported a gain in their last sales quarter, largely due to the fact that a customer purchased a $400,000 ring (which may or may not be the $420k ring above) from the store. That’s right, Costco, known mostly as the place to buy bulk toilet paper, also carries jewels worth nearly half a million dollars.
We all knew there was a reason that Costco obliterated the iconic Polish hot dog off their menu, since we weren’t buying their “trying to be healthier” excuse. It turns out that Costco has slowly been morphing into a more upscale wholesaler by quietly adding jewels to its vast array of random and miscellaneous wares. And the strategy has paid off (for them, not the Polish hot dog mourners). CNBC is reporting a boost in Costco’s recent sales, directly due to the fact that some Florida lottery winner must have purchased a $400,000 ring from them:
The warehouse retailer said during its latest quarter ended May 12 it got a sales boost thanks to a customer purchasing one of its rings for more than $400,000. It didn’t say which ring, exactly, but a search on Costco’s website reveals only one ring priced in the $400,000 range: A “Round Brilliant 10.03 carat VS1 Clarity, I Color Diamond Platinum Solitaire Ring.” Costco’s website shows 500 different rings for sale, many costing more than $50,000.
Total revenue rose 7.4% to $34.74 billion, topping estimates for $34.71 billion.
Who in the lighting hundred dollar bills on fire hell bought a ring at Costco for half a million dollars? Mackenzie Bezos, is that you? You’ve got to be a special brand of loaded (and a little bit lazy, if we’re being honest) to be throwing away that kind of cash on Costco rings. Will we hear next that Elon Musk is proposing to Grimes with the first ever purchased $400,000 Costco ring? Will Cardi B be popping up as Costco’s newest spokesperson with baby Kulture rocking the Costco ring around her baby thumb? I mean, there’s got to be something behind this madness.
Maybe this ring is all part of a special for a Costco Superfan. I hope to hell we will see a follow-up story about how the $400,000 ring was snuck into a plastic container of economy sized Kirkland Signature Praline Pecans. While the happy couple was relaxing on their Costco recliners taking in a movie on their jumbo Costco TV, Mr. Romance leans over and offers his lucky lady a nibble with the $400,000 Costco rock on top of the salty crumbs. It’s an all-American Idiocracy come to life engagement fantasy, and Costco, who has been pushing themselves as a one-stop wedding shop, has officially become the sponsor for all of life’s major events… minus the winter to summer leg shaving one. Guess I’ll be stuck in pants until the next shipping container arrives.