Ricky Schroder’s film and television career might be as lifeless as the battery in that train from Silver Spoons, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have numerous acting opportunities at his disposal. For example, Ricky continues to act like an asshole. And that might be due to the fact that Ricky is a Male Karen with a victim complex, which means Ricky gets really fired up when he thinks his rights are being infringed upon. Just like over the weekend, when Ricky really wanted to shop maskless at his local Costco. But alas, Ricky was denied his Kirkland jorts and $5 rotisserie chickens, because Costcos in California haven’t changed their in-store mask policy. And that made Ricky angry enough to whip out his phone and show all the strangers of the internet what happens when you ask Ricky Schroder to do something as simple as cover his face.
At the end of the day, no matter what horrible shit is going on around the country, there will always be two creature comforts that withstand it all: wine and Costco. And, fortunately for some, Christmas has come early in the form of Costco’s legendary Wine Advent Calendar, aka alcoholism in a box. That’s right, the next time you’re picking up a pallet of sour cream and an industrial drum of mayo, you can mosey on down to the booze aisle and pick yourself up––let’s be real, nobody is buying these things as gifts for other people––12 days of holiday cheer (or 1 afternoon of absolute bliss).
As if COVID-19 hasn’t been enough of a bitch, now Costco is discontinuing the sale of their legendary half-sheet cakes in what many are speculating to be the massive wholesale chain’s attempt at discouraging social gatherings. Personally, I’m about ready to take a stand here and throw a massive HOW DARE YOU? at the bakery lady at my local store. Costco is wrong for this and has a lot of explaining to do.
Put those fears of coronavirus aside! It’s time to risk it all for one of those hot-plate-heated samples of questionable cleanliness from Costco! Society is healing!
Well, shit, y’all. My date nights just got ruined. The aisles at Costco may be clogged with people stocking up on 900-piece chicken tender platters and 800-roll toilet paper bushels ahead of coronavirus panic, but some of us budget bitches bypassed membership altogether and just went straight to the food court. Life hack alert! You didn’t need to mooch off your mom’s Costco card to get into the Shangri-La of $1.50 hot dog and Cokes. Well, that used to be a life hack alert.
Fucking Costco. The last time I went there I had three things on my list: razor blades, Sonicare toothbrush heads, and soy milk. And did I walk with any of these items? No! Which is not to say I walked away empty handed, because, who doesn’t need a 7 pound bucket of Nutella and the hottest Costco fashions of the day? Today I’ve discovered why Costco is preventing me from moving my Sasquatch winter legs into the shaved legs of summer. Apparently they are too busy stocking secret extravagant items to worry about re-stocking the peasant’s staples. Costco has just reported a gain in their last sales quarter, largely due to the fact that a customer purchased a $400,000 ring (which may or may not be the $420k ring above) from the store. That’s right, Costco, known mostly as the place to buy bulk toilet paper, also carries jewels worth nearly half a million dollars.