At last night’s L.A. premiere of Spider-Man: Homecoming, Hannibal Buress, who plays Coach Wilson in it, walked the red carpet and did some interviews. The only problem is, despite what that lower third super would lead you to believe, that’s not Hannibal Buress, obviously.
“Gee whiz, if only I was bitten by a radioactive lunch lady, then I’d have the power to save my mouth from this grody cafeteria pizza!”
The news that we were getting a fresh-outta-Pampers Spider-Man was a major clue that the latest Spider-Man reboot was going to feel like a superhero movie released by the Disney Channel. Sony released the first trailer for Spider-Man: Homecoming during Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night, and it’s definitely giving off that vibe. Tom Holland is 20 years old in real life, but they really high school-ed up this version of Peter Parker. It doesn’t help that his haircut makes him look like a “15-year-old at Sears Portrait Studio with his mom.”
The only way I feel comfortable referring to this Peter Parker as “Spider-Man” would be if Marisa Tomei’s Aunt May opened the movie by showing the audience pictures from Peter Parker’s bar mitzvah. “And this is the day Peter became a man. So technically it’s not weird to call him Spider-Man. Now on with the show!”
We also get a look at Zendaya, who may or may not be playing Mary Jane Watson, and she’s giving me the so-edgy aspiring Instagram stylist version of a young Enid Coleslaw and a vintage copy of Sassy. We also get to see Michael Keaton as The Vulture, which feels a little weird. I mean, it’s a grown-ass man telling a teen boy he’s going to kill him. That sounds like the kind of fight that would happen in the parking lot of a Walmart between the cart boy and the uptight owner of the Audi he joy rode a cart into.
Here’s Zendaya earlier this week at the opening of the Broadway musical Dear Evan Hansen.
Unless Hollywood is announcing that they’re finally making a feature-length film adaptation of Out of This World, I don’t have much interest in casting news regarding movies about teens with super powers. However, I cared deeply when I learned last month that Michael Keaton might have lost out on the role of the villain in the latest Spider-Man reboot because they only had enough money in the budget for Robert Downey Jr. How rude of Hollywood to pinch their pennies and deny us the image of Michael Keaton slipping his sexy middle-aged dad body into some tight leather villain business. I don’t know for sure that his costume would have been tight and made of leather, but why not? I think we can all agree that tight leather is a good look no matter what the occasion.
Well, maybe Hollywood heard the wails of myself and the small handful of creeps who also think Michael Keaton was robbed of a job, or maybe they just asked the bank for more money, because sources have confirmed to Deadline that Michael Keaton got that role in Spider-Man: Homecoming. Michael Keaton’s first meeting with Marvel didn’t make it past the offer stage. But clearly there weren’t any other actors that made their hearts flutter like Keaton did, so they came back to him and entered final negotiations this morning. And according to Deadline’s sources, that’s when it was decided Michael Keaton would play a character called The Vulture.
The Vulture is Spider-Man’s first real villain. He’s an older bald dude who sort of looks like a young Mr. Burns and dresses like a bird. Maybe that’s what sealed the deal for Marvel; Michael Keaton comes with his own bird costume!
I’m really glad Michael Keaton held out for those Marvel dollars and didn’t jump at whatever paltry number they offered him the first time. Marvel’s Captain America: Civil War has made almost $1 billion so far. I really hope he negotiated for some crazy expensive shit. “I want to start every morning with a Lipitor and dinosaur egg omelette and end every night with a caviar-filled jacuzzi. And I need to be carried to and from my trailer by Chris Evans dressed as Captain America. I’ve seen those recent box office numbers, so don’t tell me you can’t make it happen.”
Yesterday, Michael K pointed you in the direction of the news that Robert Downey Jr. had gotten a job in the latest Spider-Man reboot. Regardless of how you feel about superhero movies, I’m sure the #getmoneybitch in all of us can appreciate RDJ’s ability to work the Iron Man angle until his bank accounts burst at the seams. However, it sounds like his paycheck might be coming at the expense of 80s legend Michael Keaton, and that is simply something I cannot sanction.
Last week, a rumor was going around that Michael Keaton was in talks to play a villain in the next Spider-Man movie. But yesterday we found out that Michael Keaton isn’t going to be in it after all. Shortly after it was reported that RDJ would be making an appearance as Iron Man in Spider-Man: Homecoming, Deadline reported that Michael Keaton has fallen out of “early talks.” Naturally, I assumed it was because Sony was worried that Michael Keaton and Marisa Tomei would be too much hot for one movie (understandable). But a reporter from Variety claims that Michael is out to make way for RDJ’s paycheck.
First was hearing early in week Keaton was falling a part because couldn't afford him
— Justin Kroll (@krolljvar) April 22, 2016
Heard they needed money first for Downey who only recently was pursued for part in film
— Justin Kroll (@krolljvar) April 22, 2016
Except a writer for The Hollywood Reporter seems to think there’s still a chance Michael Keaton in Spider-Man could happen. Well, I don’t know about that. According to me, Michael Keaton is worth at least $1.6 billion. Obviously those cheapskates in Hollywood don’t think he’s worth that much, but come on. The rest of us (me, and anyone else who still gets the hots for Keaton in Mr. Mom) know he’s worth at least double what his agent was asking for if it means seeing him in a sexy villain suit.
Maybe someone could talk to Robert Downey Jr. and ask him nicely if he’d be willing to take a pay-cut for Michael Keaton. RDJ, do you really need that second gold-plated helicopter, or whatever you were going to blow your next 8-figure paycheck on? Exactly. Help Ken from Toy Story 3 out.
Save your breath, saying ‘Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice‘ is not going to make Beetlejuice 2 appear. While its been reported that the movie is definitely happening for some time now – even Winona Ryder said it was happening when she was on Late Night with Seth Meyers last year – it turns out that that “definitely” is actually a “no good, low down, heart breaking rumor“.
Entertainment Weekly is saying that on Friday, there were reports that the movie was finally going forward, a script had been completed and that Winona and Michael Keaton were basically in their makeup chairs getting ready to look like the hottest versions of themselves. Sadly, a rep for Rim Burton (typo and it stays) reached out to EW and said that “the information was based on fabricated comments from the director and confirmed to EW that Beetlejuice 2 is not in development at this time.” The rep went on to say that Tim is currently busy working on finishing his next disastrous looking billion dollar cash cow, Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. There’s no trailer out for it yet, but EW has got some sneak peek pictures. This mess looks like some spooky bedtime Effie Trinket mash up aka Not For Me. Tim will also be busy after wrapping Children because he’s got yet another sure to be money making bonanza lined up with Disney, a live action version of Dumbo. Jesus fucking Christ, that is going to be depressing.
What bothers me the most about this sequel either not happening or being pushed back endlessly is that we’re being deprived of the true star of the movie – Juno! If it’s an issue getting the whole cast back together, why don’t they just do a movie about Juno switching careers and being a paranormal detective. The actress that played Juno, Sylvia Sidney, passed away in 1999, so getting her will be some real method acting. Delia Deetz aka Catherine O’Hara can play her bumbling assistant. Take note, Hollywood! This is a brilliant idea!
Pics: Warner Bros.
In Case You Missed It, Here’s Jamie Foxx Delivering Some Raw Emotion While Yodeling Out The National Anthem
I didn’t watch that Merriweather vs. La Pequeña fight last night, because if I want to watch two sweaty dudes hug all sweet-like and give each other blows to the face, I’ll log into Sean Cody. Besides, if there’s a fight in a ring and none of the beauties from GLOW are involved, I’m not interested. But apparently everyone watched that mess (the fight even fucked with Robert Downey Jr.’s money) and from what I read, the consensus is that the fight was about as exciting and riveting as watching two sleepy toddlers on Ritalin play with a half-broken boxing ring toy. Apparently, the best part happened before the fight when Katie Holmes’ maybe fuck buddy opened his mouth and made the bald eagle cry with his version of The Star-Spangled Banner. Shit had more ups, downs and surprises than the actual fight.
While Mary J. Blige, Beyonce and Mimi sat in the audience, Jamie and an organ player took our ears all sorts of places. Of course, some hating bitches on Twitter said that Jamie should be arrested for butchering the National Anthem and said that his runs made them want to run away. But I, for one, loved it, especially the last super messy 10 seconds.
I didn’t even watch that stupid fight and can say that Jamie Foxx’s performance was more thrilling. You didn’t know who was going to win: Jamie Foxx’s vocal cords or those high notes? And that random “hallelujah” at the end probably made a thousand haters say “hallelujah” too, because they were glad it was finally over.
And here’s some famous hos who were at last night’s Jamie Foxx Does The National Anthem Show (featuring that fight).