The Kid From “The Impossible” Is The New Spider-Man

This fresh-outta-the-womb fetus has just been named as the new white, heterosexual virgin Peter Parker in the 10,000th Spider-Man movie that EVERYONE has been asking for. Marvel is sticking with the title Spider-Man even though my geriatric ass has a spider bite scar that is probably older than that kid.

Marvel announced today that 19-year-old British actor Tom Holland (Tom Holland sounds like the name of Tom of Finland’s wholesome square Dutch cousin) has beat out dozens of white boys for the role of Peter Parker/Spider-Man in the next reboot, which comes out on July 28, 2017. Tom Holland’s Spider-Man will show up in Captain America: Civil War first. Tom Holland was in The Impossible and How I Live Now, and he’s also in Opie’s Oscar-bait Moby Dick movie that comes out later this year. Marvel also said today that Jon Watts, the director of Clown and Cop Car, will direct the Spider-Boy movie. Tom Rothman, the HBIC of Sony, squirted out this statement today:

“It’s a big day here at Sony. Kevin, Amy (Spider-Man’s producers) and their teams have done an incredible job. The Marvel process is very thorough, and that’s why their results are so outstanding. I’m confident Spider-Man will be no exception. I’ve worked with a number of up-and-coming directors who have gone on to be superstars and believe that Jon is just such an outstanding talent. For Spidey himself, we saw many terrific young actors, but Tom’s screen tests were special. All in all, we are off to a roaring start.”

Am I getting older or is Spider-Man getting younger? Don’t answer that. The liver spot growing on my ass lip gave me the answer. Marvel actually wanted a younger Spider-Man. At this rate, I fully expect a baby to star in the next reboot of Spider-Man (in 2018) titled Spiderling-Baby. So, Justin Bieber, don’t give up hope. Your moment under the Marvel spotlight is coming soon.