Princess Eugenie Married “Not The Most Intelligent” Man (Copyright: His Own Grandma)

October 12, 2018 / Posted by:

While some of us were busy dreaming of sugar ginger balls dancing on our face, the Rita Ora of royal weddings went down at St. George’s Chapel in Windsor Castle this morning. That’s the same scene where my dead heart died even more five months ago. But just because it was the royal wedding of a third tier royal doesn’t mean that loyal subjects didn’t come out in droves. I mean, look how excited the people were to bask in the glory of this magnificent once-in-a-lifetime (if you’re a fly, maybe) event!

No, seriously, the people came out in droves!

But in Eugenie’s defense, news about Prince Hot Ginge and Duchess Meghan’s wedding slapped us in the face every minute for months, while I’m pretty sure the only press Eugenie’s wedding got was her mother The Original Fergie™ handing out flyers on the corner a week ago.

28-year-old Princess Eugenie, the ninth in line to the throne and daughter of The Original Fergie™ and Prince Andrew, married her boyfriend of around 7 years, 32-year-old Jack Brooksbank, a commoner who works for George Clooney and Rande Gerber’s tequila brand. Eugenie and Jack got married in front of 850 guests, which didn’t include Duchess Camila, but I’m hoping did include Jack’s 91-year-old memaw who once said that he’s a “good egg” and charming but “not the most intelligent.” I’d like to think she was in the pews, cheering, “Go on, Lord Dumb Fuck!

Here’s the new bride and groom making their way out of the chapel. Princess Eugenie’s wedding ensemble was provided by Disney’s Princess Bride Collection: Black Label. No, the gown was a custom one made by Peter Pilotto and Christopher De Vos, and the tiara was the Greville Emerald Kokoshnik tiara lent to her by THE QUEEN!

Not pictured: Princess Eugenie’s memaw, THE QUEEN, standing on the side with a look that said, “Honey, I’m gonna need that tiara back now.

Princess Eugenie also said that she wanted her wedding dress to show the scar she got from scoliosis surgery as a child:

And of course, Duchess Meghan and Prince Hot Ginge were there to slap us down with their LOVE!

Because Meghan didn’t take her Givenchy coat off, some think she was hiding a growing baby in her body. If Meghan does have a CASE OF THE GINGER BABIES, it was nice of her to keep her coat closed, because if she opened it as Eugenie walked down the aisle and revealed her baby growing area, the music would’ve stopped, and everyone would’ve forgotten about the wedding and slobbered about Prince Hot Ginge’s upcoming baby as The Original Fergie™ screeched her tonsils off.


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