Kate Upton Says She Stays Away From The Haters By Staying Off The Internet

You can find pretty much anything on the internet. My favorite parts of the internet are the ones where people post videos of kittens falling asleep or high-resolution pictures of Kim Kardashian’s face. But apparently Kate Upton can’t get to hers because she has to wade through 8 layers of haters first. And since that many haters is enough to make anyone want to take a lie-down, Kate told Net-a-Porter’s The Edit that she’s decided she might as well save her energy and just avoid the internet all together:

“I’ve heard people say, you put yourself in that position to be judged. But no, I put myself in that position because I really liked that photographer, I wanted to do that piece of work. Not to be judged. The internet can be horrible, so I just don’t look at it anymore. But maybe a little hate is good for me. Because if I’m in a spot where everyone loves me, I won’t try as hard.”

She also gets nostalgic for the early days of social media. Hmmm, I wonder if she was more MySpace or LiveJournal? You’re right – definitely Friendster.

“I feel like social media at this point is kind of bullshit. At the beginning it was amazing and a lot of fun. It was like, ‘Cool, I can talk to my fans!’ And now I think that we’re losing the art of it. When I joined Twitter it was just me, but [when] you’ve got contracts, it’s so planned. Now it’s about who has the best marketing, not who has a really good personality.”

Yeah, why do I get the feeling that the majority of the people following Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Kate Upton on social media aren’t doing it because they’re interested in her “good personality”.

But back to Kate saying bye bitch to the internet. Isn’t it just to be expected that once you become a famous type you’ll eventually find some shady shit written about yourself on the internet? I bet even a flawless living gemstone like Dolly Parton has stumbled upon some anonymous type hissing the words “her face iz bad and that wig is FUG” at least once in her life. Oh my god, for real though – just typing that for pretend made me feel so guilty.

Here’s more of Kate Upton serving up some aspiring rich lady realness in The Edit:

(via ET)

Well, At Least Someone Came To Play

As I said earlier, the Oscars were a boring dress parade and I’ve seen more exciting dresses at my mom’s office holiday party. Well, it looks like all the real glamour and demure sophistication was the Vanity Fair viewing and after-party. Not only was Joan Collins there with a wig hovering above her head like a glorious halo, but Crispo Ronaldo’s ex-piece Irina Shayk and the walking community theater production of RiRi’s life titled Rita Ora all wore hot outfits that let everyone know that they traded in their panties for a stick-on pussy patch.

Irina Shayk’s pantyhose dress thing is like the more modest and athletic cousin of that exquisitely classic, coochie-flashing gown that Jaimie Alexander wore in 2013. My only question besides “How many people were treated for elegance inhalation from being exposed to Irina?” is, “How did she piss?” Was there a discreet zipper involved? A snap-off thing? Or did the crotch area have a small hole where she could just stick in a Go Girl and handle it? Even if she couldn’t piss in that bodysuit gown thing and had to hold it all night, it’s worth it. Getting a bladder infection is worth bringing loads of ravishing glamour to the masses.

I bet across town at Denny’s Oscar viewing party, style icon Edy Williams raised a mug full of pink wine and soda water in the air and toasted to Irina Shayk and Rita Whora. Irina just needed more exposed nipple and a random dog, and her Edy Williams tribute would’ve been perfect.

And here’s at least 10 billion pictures from Vanity Fair’s party including pictures of Joan Collins and Monica Lewinsky (????).

Pics: Wenn.com

People Magazine Names Kate Upton Their Sexiest Woman Alive

Because what the world really needs is another award show where famous types get their assholes sucked, the 1st annual People Magazine Awards happened in L.A. last night. I watched it for about 45 seconds last night, but I quickly changed the channel, because I can only handle so many award shows in one season and I’m saving myself for the much classier and relevant Weekly World News Awards.

During last night’s show, People named Kate Upton as their Sexiest Woman Alive. People is really getting creamy for blondes this year, I see. Kate Upton accepted her trophy while dressed up like a conservative dominatrix secretary. That shit’s not sexy at all! Where were her magnificent chichis? How is she going to accept an award for being the Sexiest Woman Alive while not dressed sexy at all? But in Kate’s defense, I’m sure she didn’t know she was going to win, because it’s not like her publicist “bought” that meaningless title with promises of future EXCLUSIVES. It took workers nearly 2 hours to peel Kate Upton’s face off of the ceiling. She screamed it off after she won that award. She was THAT surprised.

Poor Angelyne, Bai Ling, Charo, La Tigresa Del Oriente, Phoebe Price, Detective La Toya Jackson and Shauna Sand. They’re women, they’re alive (mostly, I think) and they produce a zillion times more natural sexiness than Kate Upton does. ROBBED doesn’t even begin to describe it.

And Jennifer Aniston won Movie Performance of the Year at the People Magazine Awards, so she’s pretty much a lock for that Best Actress Oscar. You know what they say, a People Magazine Award leads directly to OSCUH! Sorry, Julianne.

Pics: Wenn.com

A Florida Art Gallery Is Planning To Show Kate Upton And JLaw’s Hacked Nudes In An Upcoming Exhibit

According to the NY Daily News, an art gallery in St. Petersburg, Florida called CACA (a name which is entirely too perfect for this story) is launching an exhibition featuring the stolen iCloud nudes. CACA (which stands for Corey Allen Contemporary Art) sent out a press release to announce they’ve found a new definition for shameless by capitalizing on Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton’s hacked nipple pictures and displaying them on canvas in an upcoming exhibition by an artist named XVALA. Totally off topic, but I will be seriously disappointed if there isn’t a Puerto Rican drag queen out there with the name “Caca Xvala“.

The press released claims the hacked nudes will part of an exhibit called “Fear Google”, which features 7 years worth of images “found on Google of celebrities in their most vulnerable and private moments, that were comprised by either hackers or the paparazzi.” The show also features the leaked nudes of ScarJo from a couple years ago and a picture of Britney Spears with a shaved head. Um, do they not know that you can see that shit on the internet for free? DUMB.

The show is set to open on October 30th, but something tells me the FBI will be pulling out a chair and asking them to have a seat while they hang a cease-and-desist on the wall and ask them to describe what they see long before that. I doubt it’s legal. Unless it’s actually a sting organized by the St. Petersburg PD in association with Chris Hansen to catch fucking creepazoids, in which case…still illegal, right?

Regardless, it’s happening in Florida, which means that even if this art show is 100% legal, there’s a 99.9% chance that a shirtless meth-smoking Waffle House manager named Cross Eyes will lose control of his 1999 Toyota Tercel while getting road head from a Oxy-popping stripper who goes by the name “Krysstal Shymmer” and crash full-speed into the front of CACA before they get a chance to put out the first cheese plate. It’s Florida! How could that NOT happen???

The FBI Is Putting Their Magnifying Glass Over The Naked Celebrity Leak

File directly under: DUH and DUH.

TMZ says that the FBI has opened up an investigation and working on tracking down the hacker or hackers who leaked the hundreds of naked celebrity pictures that took over the Internet’s Labor Day and are the sole reasons for why thousands of mothers are cleaning their teenage son’s bedrooms today and shaking their heads over all the “cream of mushroom stains” on the carpet. The FBI didn’t get into details, but they did tell TMZ that they’re working on it and I’m taking that to mean that they’ve put Special Agent Courtney Love and Detective La Toya on the case.

“The FBI is aware of the allegations concerning computer intrusions and the unlawful release of material involving high profile individuals, and is addressing the matter. Any further comment would be inappropriate at this time.”

If the hacker is American, they’re probably thinking about fleeing to Edward Snowden’s pied-à-terre in Moscow, because ScarJo’s hacker got a decade in the clink.

Reddit thinks they found the dude responsible for releasing the flood of celebrity nipples to the masses, but he told Buzzfeed that he’s innocent and a stupid plan to use the pictures to get bitcoins backfired on his ass.

It was reported that a crack in THE CLOUD might’ve made it easy for the hackers to get in and snatch up all those pictures, but Apple said today that after spending 40 hours investigating this shit, they determined that they’re not to blame (of course) and there was no breach in their security system.

“After more than 40 hours of investigation, we have discovered that certain celebrity accounts were compromised by a very targeted attack on user names, passwords and security questions, a practice that has become all too common on the Internet”

STILL!

I knew this before, but now I really know that anything I throw up into THE CLOUD can be potentially exposed. Nearly all of my iTunes playlists are on THE CLOUD and all of my iTunes playlists are a trillion times more embarrassing than a picture of a Downton Abbey actress getting poked in the eye with a hard peen. I may or may not have that annoying ass “All About That Bass” song on one of my playlists and that song may or may not have been played at least 90 times. SANTO DIOS! Shoot down THE CLOUD now!

The Internet Is To Blame For Why Kate Upton Won’t Ever Get Naked In Front Of A Camera

If you Googled “Kate Upton’s nipples,” you’d see Kate Upton’s nipples on a horse and Kate Upton’s nipples under a white, wet t-shirt. We’ve seen Kate Upton’s nipples and we’ve seen pretty much every piece of her body except for both pairs of her down low lips (which I’m sure look like a dwarf rose blooming in the sunlight). Even though Kate Upton has been 98% naked, she’ll never get 100% naked. Details asked Kate if she’d ever do an artistic nude photo shoot in a fashion magazine and she shook her head no, because she knows that shitty bloggers (Why is everyone looking at me like that?) and asshole whores on social media will pick her apart and Photoshop her naked body on an ad for Real California Milk.

For me those photos are art. Your body is art, your body is beautiful, and to be photographed in that way is amazing and it’s received in a very positive way. But with social media and the Internet and not so great blogs and the attention like that, I don’t think that my pictures would be received in the way that I’d want them to be received. That’s why I’ve stayed away from them. I really appreciate those photos and I think those women are beautiful, but I think social media and the Internet has prevented me from putting myself out there like that.

If anybody knows anything about art, it’s Kate Upton. I watched The Other Woman the other day and Kate Upton had the charisma of an ingrown nipple hair and she made the driftwood in the beach scenes look like they were alive and full of emotions. It was so bad that it was performance art.

Yes, naked pictures live forever on the Internet, but so does saying that you will never pose naked. Doesn’t this trick know that you should never ever say never? Those words are going to come back to gnaw her ass cheeks off when her chichis are no longer the most magnificent tits on the stroll and she’ll have to try to get attention by posing with her nipples and cooch out in Playboy. Wait, I shouldn’t have said Playboy. Kate Upton’s body is a work of art and she only poses in the most artistic publications. I should’ve said Penthouse.