Jesse James’ Pregnant Wife Accused Him Of Cheating And Filed For Divorce, But Then Called It Off The Next Day
When famous motorcycle mechanic/well-known peen-passer Jesse “Vanilla Gorilla” James wed former porn star/current Second Amendment humper Bonnie Rotten in a sweaty outdoor June ceremony, harbingers of happiness and hope, such as screaming InfoWars’ gargoyle Alex Jones, everyone should’ve been able to rest assured that true love exists. Bonnie’s now carrying Jesse’s fetus, but caused a stir a few days ago when she posted (and deleted) an Instagram Story calling Jesse out for doing what Jesse’s always done–have fuck times with people who aren’t his wife. Jesse immediately denied the allegations, though he did admit the two had been in a blowout fight in which he called her the “r-word.” And today, Bonnie posted another story asking for peace and sharing that she’d called off the divorce. Now, the two are upset with the media for reporting on the information that they themselves first disbursed to their millions of followers.
Pretty much every time we’ve had to hear about former owner of West Coast Choppers/Current CEO of Jesse James Firearms Unlimited, Jesse James (or Vanilla Gorilla, as he’s unlovingly been referred to here at Dlisted during his long tenure of improprieties), it’s usually because he said something gross, did something gross, or screwed one or multiple gross women while still being married. In more positive news, I guess (for who, I’m not sure), he just tied the knot with former porn star, Bonnie Rotten.
Ever since Sandra Bullock packed up her things and got the hell out of Jesse James’ chopper-building swastika-loving life in 2010, she left all comments about him in the past. Jesse James, on the other hand, just can’t quite stop talking about his Oscar-winning ex-wife. Two years ago, Jesse boo-hoo-hoo’ed about his failed marriage and loss of their son Louis. And he’s doing it again.
Jesse James, the answer directly under All About Steve in the category of “Things I wish I hadn’t done” on the Family Feud board of Sandra Bullock’s life, is still talking about Sandra Bullock. Congratulations on your continued relevancy, Jesse James!
Sandy’s dirtbag ex-husband recently appeared on In Depth with Graham Bensinger (via UsWeekly) and talked about that time he killed his five-year marriage to Sandra Bullock by slipping his exhaust pipe to a bunch of side pieces. Yes, that shit happened back in 2010, and yes, he still has feelings about it. Specifically, regarding how Sandy and “Hollywood Law” took his adopted son away from him.
You’d think that the only thing that would agree to marry Jesse James would be a popped anal wart on an alley rat’s ass (no offense to popped anal warts on an alley rat’s ass), but he actually found a living, breathing human being who wants to call him her husband. Vanilla Gorilla married billionaire shampoo and tequila heiress Alexis DeJoria in Malibu on Sunday. Either Vanilla Gorilla seriously brainwashed a ho Nazi-style or Alexis just really wants to be married to a tattooed bag of dehydrated gorilla dingles who will keep her guessing. What I mean by that is Alexis will constantly ask herself, “I wonder what kind of STD Vanilla Gorilla’s nomad dick will deliver to my coochie today?”
People says that Vanilla Gorilla and Alexis DeJoria, who’s also a drag racer, have only been bumping tattooed crotches for about 7 months. VG jumped on Alexis just a second after he broke up with Kat Von D. VG and Alexis got married at the Malibu home of her dad John Paul DeJoria, the co-founder of Paul Mitchell and Patron. VG’s daughter Sunny was a flower girl along with Alexis’ daughter Bella. The flower girls wore Hitler Youth uniforms, the bride wore this and the bride’s family all wore tears on their faces, because they realized that they’ll have to look at Vanilla Gorilla’s punchable face every time they go to a family party.
Well, VG better start stock piling and hiding as many cases of Patron as he can, because it’s only a matter of time before his fourth marriage ends when Alexis catches his dick doing the Hitler salute right into the pussy of some down river skank. Speaking of down river skanks, let’s all take this to remember VG’s skankiest side piece Bombshit McGee. Here’s some pictures from last year of Bombshit getting her coochie warts burned and sawed off at the free clinic. Alexis, this is your future!
They (I don’t know what I’m talking about, so don’t ask me who “they” is) say that a parent should strengthen the bond with their child by doing something they love together. Examples: White Oprah and a young Lindsay Lohan bonded by doing GoGurt and rum shots during homeschool cocktail hour. Jessica Simpson and Baby Maxi Pad will bond by eating themselves out of a shell made of Slutty Brownies. Charlize Theron and Baby Jackson will bond by taking Mommy, Me and an Apple Bong class together. Jesse James decided he wanted to bond with his 8-year-old daughter Sunny, and thankfully his idea of bonding is not dressing her up like a Hitler Youth for Mein Kampf study class. Vanilla Gorilla took Sunny to his tattoo parlor and let him tattoo her name into his wrist with the help an artist. This was the result (try to look past his Fritos skin):
VG is a tattooed Frankenstein with a brain made of popped ass warts, but this is sort of kind of sweet. Don’t get me wrong, if I had a kid, I wouldn’t let them do this to me and I sure as hell wouldn’t let them near me with a needle. All 8-year-olds have the penmanship of a serial killing chicken, so I don’t want that shit on my body. Then again, if I had a kid, I’d probably forget their name all the name so that tattoo would totally come in handy.