Category: Jeff Bezos
Jeff Bezos Has Pledged $1 Billion Toward Environmental Conservation
Look! Up in the sky! Is that a giant dildo? Yes, it’s Jeff Bezos coming back to earth to save the planet! According to People, Jeff has decided that enough’s enough and is pledging to donate a small fraction of his fortune to tackle climate change in hopes we’ll just ignore the fact that he’s trying to resurrect the company towns of the previous century. Jeff recently announced that he has pledged $1 billion (he’s reportedly worth $194.5 billion) from The Bezos Earth Fund “in donations beginning now through the year 2030.” To put that into perspective, his ex-wife MacKenzie Scott has already parted with $8.5 billion of her personal $59 billion fortune in the past year alone. But then again, she can afford it. She’s not dating Lauren Sanchez, The Most Glamorous Woman in the World. The Universe in fact. Jeff went up there himself and checked!
Lauren Sanchez Is Throwing Jeff Bezos A Party To Celebrate His Return From Space
Lauren Sanchez, the bewitching human-silicone hybrid and sizzling hot (heat safe to 500F) side piece turned entrée of billionaire Jeff Bezos, is celebrating his biggest dick pics ever taken in the absence of blackmail. As we all know, since it was slammed in our faces more times than Ron Jeremy fluffed for a blow job, Jeff Bezos became the second billionaire in space after a giant peen rocket hauled him beyond the Kármán line last month. And according to People, Jeff’s possible fiancée, Lauren, has been busy making trips to The Party Store to pick up packs of streamers and Star Trek-themed paper cups and plates, since the shipping on her Amazon order got all screwed up again and they sent each item in separate boxes, all subject to their own delays. Girlfriends of billionaires: They’re just like us!
As MacKenzie Scott Smirks, Jeff Bezos Donated $100 Million Each To José Andrés And Van Jones
Yesterday, two dicks stuck their tips into space a bit (“They did?! I hardly felt it.” – space). Jeff Bezos and his circumcised dick rocket launched into suborbital space and spent three quick minutes there before coming down to earth, although, I think it’s impossible for Jeff Bezos to really ever be down to earth. You would think that everybody would have nothing but good things to say about the richest human on Earth spending $5 billion to take a billionaire joy ride to space while Amazon drivers have to shit in bags and the planet burns. But people dragged Jeff and they really dragged him when he smugly thanked Amazon employees and customers for making his Make A Wish: Billionaire Edition dreams come true. Jeff made it all okay, though, by announcing that he is giving a total of $200 million to philanthropic chef José Andrés and Kim Kartrashian’s mentor and rumored piece Van Jones for them to donate to non-profits of their choice. Sure, earlier in the day, Jeff Bezos probably also “donated” millions to the gold toilet he pissed in since one of his piss streams is worth at least $10 million, but hey!
Jeff Bezos Became The Second Billionaire To Launch Into Space
Well, he did it. The goofy little bald man just burned billions of dollars to fly into (almost) space in a cock-shaped rocket and all I got was this $18.99 Blue Origin New Shepard Rocket Blueprint T-Shirt off Amazon which I plan to defile by clumsily adding a pair of balls and some pubic hair with a Sharpie. And that $18.99 goes right into Jeff Bezos’ pocket so really, who is the asshole here? According to CNN, Jeff and his Blue Origin crew, which included his brother Mark Bezos and Oliver Daemen, a Dutch teen whose hedge fund daddy paid an undisclosed amount for his seat (the person who originally won the auction had paid $28 million before dropping out due to scheduling issues), flew 60 miles from the earth for about 10 minutes. They even let a girl go with them! Their pilot, 82-year-old Wally Fink, became the oldest woman to launch into space. Upon touching back down to earth, Jeff said it was the “best day ever,” possibly because for the first time in his life people had to use a telescope instead of a microscope to see his dick pics.
Richard Branson Will Beat Jeff Bezos As The First Billionaire In Space
The desperate space race between Jeff Bezos and Sir Richard Branson appears to have reached its denouement. And it looks like Jeff Bezos won’t be the one to turn on his Amazon-brand helmet mic and utter, “That’s one small step for billionaire men, one giant leap for billionairekind.” Between Jeff, Richard, and space-obsessed weirdo Elon Musk, it was inevitable that one of them would open their wallet faster than the others, dump a ton of cash into their respective intergalactic vanity projects, and be the first billionaire in space. After a bunch of back and forth, the bragging rights are probably going to go to Richard Branson.
Mackenzie Scott Has Given Away Another $2.74 Billion Right Here On Earth
While her ex-husband Jeff Bezos proceeds to ignite barrels of cash so he can shoot himself into space and finally achieve his childhood dream of playing 7 Minutes in Heaven without the humiliation of waiting in a dark closet for an hour only to come out and find the party had moved to a cooler kid’s house, MacKenzie Scott continues to ensure an eternity in heaven by fulfilling her promise to give away her entire fortune. CNN Business reports that Mack and her new husband Dan Jewett just made a $2.74 billion donation “to organizations that focus on the arts and combating racial discrimination,” bringing Mack’s total giving up to $8.5 billion in under a year. While Jeff has his eye on the stars, Mack’s looking out for humanity right here on earth — and both of hers work!