I’ve never been to the Cannes Film Festival, but I imagine there’s a lot of preparation and planning involved if you want to attend, even if it’s just as an audience member. Because The Cannes Clap is no joke and I’m not talking about the one that will have you dipping out to the nearest pharmacie for some antibiotiques. I’m talking about the standing ovations, like the 12-minute palm-punisher Baz Luhrmann’s Elvis received after its screening on Tuesday. As everybody knows, you don’t go to a Cannes screening without having done everything in your power to build up the thickest, gnarliest callouses required to endure the gauntlet of The Cannes Clap. And it’s no walk in the park for those on the receiving end either.
Well, he did it. The goofy little bald man just burned billions of dollars to fly into (almost) space in a cock-shaped rocket and all I got was this $18.99 Blue Origin New Shepard Rocket Blueprint T-Shirt off Amazon which I plan to defile by clumsily adding a pair of balls and some pubic hair with a Sharpie. And that $18.99 goes right into Jeff Bezos’ pocket so really, who is the asshole here? According to CNN, Jeff and his Blue Origin crew, which included his brother Mark Bezos and Oliver Daemen, a Dutch teen whose hedge fund daddy paid an undisclosed amount for his seat (the person who originally won the auction had paid $28 million before dropping out due to scheduling issues), flew 60 miles from the earth for about 10 minutes. They even let a girl go with them! Their pilot, 82-year-old Wally Fink, became the oldest woman to launch into space. Upon touching back down to earth, Jeff said it was the “best day ever,” possibly because for the first time in his life people had to use a telescope instead of a microscope to see his dick pics.