Jeff Bezos Wants To Know How The National Enquirer Got Its Hands On His N00dz

January 31, 2019 / Posted by:

The early days of a relationship (or affair) are just the best…you gush really stupid shit to each other that would be deemed certifiably insane and emotionally unstable by an outside audience, you send lots of emojis, and there’s definitely the occasional peen pic or 50. Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez were doing that behind the backs of their spouses, and The National Enquirer got wind of that and spilled the tea to the rest of us. Now Jeff is out with a vengeance to see who handed off his dick pics to them. Hint: he thinks it may have something to do with Trump.

Page Six is reporting that Jeff thinks there may be a right-wing conspiracy working against him since he owns the Washington Post, which regularly trashes Donald Trump, and Trump has a good relationship with the National Enquirer, which killed all sorts of Trump hit pieces during the 2016 election.

The Enquirer published the sordid parts of Jeff’s affair with Lauren, and now he’s paying for an inquiry into who leaked his private materials and is apparently “increasingly convinced that political motives are behind the disclosure.” Gee, ya think? Trump gets pissed off if McDonald’s is out of BBQ sauce, so lord only knows what he’d do to the guy who owns the paper that regularly reminds America “What da FUQ were y’all huffing on Election Day 2016?!” The inquiry hasn’t yet proven Jeff was hacked, and there isn’t proof Lauren blabbed about their relationship. The Enquirer maintains Lauren has “loose lips” and was sharing screen grabs of Jeff’s texts and nudes with friends. Jeff isn’t buying that and still thinks there’s a hatchet job out for his ass by extreme right wingers.

Sources say that’s crazy talk, but there might be an instance of National Enquirer owner David Pecker trying to get back into Donald’s good graces after getting immunity to agree to testify into ongoing investigations into the 2016 campaign and whether the tabloid killed off stories by women who claimed to have an affair with Donald. I think if we just see an uptick in employees of the FBI and NSA who go to the optometrist and need their eyeballs washed from snatching Jeff’s n00dz on behalf of the president, then we’ll know where the leak came from!


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