As MacKenzie Scott Smirks, Jeff Bezos Donated $100 Million Each To José Andrés And Van Jones

July 21, 2021 / Posted by:

Yesterday, two dicks stuck their tips into space a bit (“They did?! I hardly felt it.” – space). Jeff Bezos and his circumcised dick rocket launched into suborbital space and spent three quick minutes there before coming down to earth, although, I think it’s impossible for Jeff Bezos to really ever be down to earth.  You would think that everybody would have nothing but good things to say about the richest human on Earth spending $5 billion to take a billionaire joy ride to space while Amazon drivers have to shit in bags and the planet burns. But people dragged Jeff and they really dragged him when he smugly thanked Amazon employees and customers for making his Make A Wish: Billionaire Edition dreams come true. Jeff made it all okay, though, by announcing that he is giving a total of $200 million to philanthropic chef José Andrés and Kim Kartrashian’s mentor and rumored piece Van Jones for them to donate to non-profits of their choice. Sure, earlier in the day, Jeff Bezos probably also “donated” millions to the gold toilet he pissed in since one of his piss streams is worth at least $10 million, but hey!

Jeff Bezos (seen above looking like the billionaire baby of Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam), his brother Mark Bezos, teenage trustafarian Oliver Daemen, and hotly-named pilot Wally Funk took an 11-minute trip to the edge of space on his Blue Waffle, I mean, Blue Origin spaceship. After Jeff Bezos became the second billionaire to touch space, he thanked Amazon’s employees and customers “from the bottom of my heart” for paying for “all of this.” That touching verbal thank you card from Jeff was a little strange since we all know his heart is really a giant platinum brick covered with Burmese rubies, so bitch could’ve used that to pay for his trip! Jeff thanking you for sending him to space by buying a gallon jug of butt lube on Amazon didn’t go down very well. Many slammed Jeff for spending all that money on an ego trip when shit is real down here on Earth. CNN asked Jeff about that and he burped this out, via NPR:

“We have to do both. We have lots of problems in the here and now on Earth, and we need to work on those. And we always need to look to the future,” adding that perhaps “amazing things” next generations might do in space “will solve problems here on Earth.”

Jeff obviously felt the backlash, because he invited José Andrés and Van Jones to his space launch, and announced in a little damage control ceremony that he’s giving  José and Van some made-up award and the prize is $100 million each. via NPR:

On Tuesday, after his 11-minute launch to the edge of space, Bezos gave $200 million in “courage and civility awards.” The sum is split between chef José Andrés and CNN personality and social entrepreneur Van Jones to be given to charities and nonprofits of their choice.

“We need unifiers and not vilifiers,” Bezos said, announcing the award. “It’s easy to be courageous but also mean. Try being courageous and civil. Try being courageous and a unifier. That’s harder and way better, and makes the world better.”

Van runs his nonprofit Dream Corps, which focuses on criminal justice reform. And José runs his nonprofit World Central Kitchen, which gives food to those dealing with a natural disaster.

Yeah, $200 million is going to help a lot of people, but Jeff Bezos’ net worth is over $200 billion. And Jeff’s ex-wife MacKenzie Scott has already given over $8 billion to charity and plans to give most of her $59 billion away in her lifetime. But what do people want from Jeff Bezos?! Do they want him to give away all his billions?! If he did that, how would he keep his all-natural rose of am alleged fiancee Lauren Sanchez slathered in the opulence she deserves to be slathered in? Although, while watching her man play astronaut yesterday, Lauren kept it casual and modest with just a few teeny tiny daytime diamonds and a $2,600 Oscar de la Renta rag.

So as Jeff Bezos did a little charity, Lauren Sanchez did a little charity too by keeping her understated look relatable to us peasants. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for that, Lauren!

Pic: Getty

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