Jeff Bezos And Lauren Sanchez Partied In St. Barts Over New Year’s
I thought I was balling on New Year’s Eve because I popped a pretty nice bottle of cava someone had left at my house over the summer while wearing my good house pants, but leave it to Zaddy Warbucks to remind us all just how poor and ugly we really are. Billionaire Playboy Jeff Bezos and his Billionaire’s Playboy Bunny Lauren Sanchez just had to go and prove that while money may buy you happiness, it can’t buy you class. You have to be born with it otherwise you run the risk of looking like Pitbull’s colorblind cousin twice removed and an anatomically confusing aftermarket Janice the Muppet. Thankfully, Jeff and Lauren have class to spare so they both just looked incredibly cool and wealthy on their New Year’s yacht excursion in St. Barts that they each posted on Instagram. Don’t believe me? Then explain why Lauren followed that post up with a post wishing The Bezos Earth Fund a “year of major choices in preventing climate change and protecting nature,” totally countering any environmental damage their excursion caused. So, you know what, you caught me. I guess you can buy class too. Environmental funds are fucking expensive!
According to The Daily Mail, Jeff and Lauren spent all of Christmas and New Year’s in St. Barts celebrating with family and friends. That included Lauren’s adult son, Nikko Gonzalez, who she shares with one of her 4 ex-fiances, former NFL tight end Tony Gonzalez. Jeff’s brother and cock rocket copilot Mark Bezos, was also there. I guess Jeff’s kids must have spent the holidays with their mom, Mackenzie Scott, doing God knows what. Probably homework and volunteering at a soup kitchen or something lame like that. Suckers!
Jeff Bezos celebrated New Years aboard a luxury yacht in the Caribbean with partner Lauren Sanchez, a former flame she split with years ago, and that ex’s new girlfriend.
The Amazon founder, 57, took to Instagram Saturday to share several snaps from the St. Bart bash, which was attended by Sanchez’s ex-fiance Tony Gonzalez and his wife October.
Gonzalez – a former NFL star who dated Sanchez until 2015 – was accompanied on the $38,000-a-week chartered yacht by the adult son they share, Nikko. Also aboard the 88-foot boat was Bezos’ young brother Mark, and others.
Ah, so that’s why they were slumming it on the USS Merely Wealthy instead of on Jeff’s $500 million super-yacht, which according to Architectural Digest, is still under construction. But you don’t need a helipad to have a good time! I mean, of course, it helps, but it’s a little ostentatious. DM adds that Lauren was wearing a ring on that finger. Her poor knuckle can’t take much more! It’s probably scraped the hell up by now.
During the new year celebrations, Bezos wore a tight-fitting disco-type outfit to show off his new physique, while beau Sanchez wore a ring on her wedding finger. The couple have yet to comment on rumors they’re engaged.
Before hooking up with Bezos, Sanchez was engaged to four others; she married Patrick Whitesell in 2005 but the relationship ended after her affair with Bezos was exposed in 2019.
I know “tight fitting disco-type outfit” might sound like a dis, but it’s actually a pretty generous description. Unlike the cut of his pants which scream I’VE HAD A VASECTOMY AND I DON”T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Experiencing personal growth while wearing those pants sounds uncomfortable, but then again, I’ve never had a dick or a billion dollars so what would I know. I’ve got to say, I love how Jeff makes being a mega-billionaire look so cool, effortless, and mature. Take note, Elon Musk! This is how it’s done.
Jeff’s ringing in the New Year in style, meanwhile Elon’s all:
— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) January 2, 2022
Ok, you got me again! These billionaires are both have class (and ass!) to spare.