Category: Hotness
Ricky Martin And His New Piece Are Now On My Celebrity Sex Tape Wish List
Who cares if Ricky Martin’s shirt looks like it’s covered in flattened cockroaches and stepped-on bunny poop? Who also cares if Ricky Martin’s face looks like it was reupholstered in pieces cut out from the sun-damaged leather Levitz couch my tia kept on her backyard patio for years? Who cares about any of that? I doubt Ricky Martin gives a fuck , because he’s too busy humping on his hot new piece.
Fabio FINALLY Shares His Thoughts About The Kartrashians
This post is really just an excuse to gently caress your eyeballs with the velvety beauty of the tip moistening Italian Adonis who looks like he was chiseled out of a giant blog of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter by Michelangelo. When the Internet hands you a reason to post an exquisite portrait of the human vibrator for eyes, you take it. But while we’re here, let’s go into Fabio pissing all over Kim Kartrashian, and not in the way that made her famous.
Channing Tatum As Beyonce: Would You Hit It?
If you’re Alex Rodriguez, I’d know you’d hit it like the final pitch at the World Series. This is A-Rod’s dream girl. She’s got the 3 Bs: blonde, buff and butch!
On last night’s second season premiere of Lip Sync Battle, Jenna Dewan Tatum did herself up in bro drag (complete with Mimi-like painted on abs) to channel her husband Channing Tatum while performing Ginuwine’s Pony. Channing Tatum’s response to that was to tuck, pluck and fuck it up as Chanyonce while performing Run The World (Girls). Channing Tatum as Beyonce looks more like He-Man in drag as She-Ra. Chanyonce is giving me Jocelyn Wildenstein’s face on Madonna’s body.
The queens of RuPaul’s Drag Race have nothing to worry about, because Channing lip synched about as good as Brit Brit Spears after getting her mouth shot up with novocaine. But what Chanyonce lacked in lip synching skills, he made up for in charisma and pussy popping. A very special guest also strutted out at the end. Sadly, it wasn’t Jonah Hill who did himself up in Shakira drag to perform Beautiful Liar. Prepare your b-hole for puckering:
To quote Channing Tatum:
HAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH
HAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I love how Beyonce gave Chanyonce props at the end. I don’t think she even did that with Michelle Williams. Chanyonce and Beyonce should really be the Super Bowl Halftime Show headliners. Move over, Coldplay.
Channing also did Queen Elsa and this is obviously the role he was born to play.
And it weirds me out to say this, but yeah, I’d hit it until his wig popped off.
Prince Hot Ginge Was The Sexiest Third Wheel At The “Spectre” Premiere
By the way, I’m typing this on a Braille keyboard, because I’ve had THAT PICTURE of Prince Hot Ginge taped onto my face since Friday. “Did you do something to your hair? You look so much better!” is what I heard all weekend from my family and friends.
The London premiere of the 24th James Bond movie, Spectre, happened tonight and Prince Hot Ginge was there, because DUH, there was an open bar and I’m sure the place was filled with stringy dishwater blondes he could make out with behind the concession counter. PHG brought along those other two, Prince William and Duchess Kate, because they never ever get out of the house and needed a date night.
Zoe Saldana’s Husband Took Her Last Name When They Got Married
For a very long time, whenever I saw a picture of Zoe Saldana and her hot hipster husband, I would just refer to him as “Zoe Saldana’s Hot Hipster Husband” or “Fabio of Williamsburg.” Eventually I learned that Zoe Saldana’s husband had a name, and it was Marco Perego. Now it looks like I’m going to have to take a dry cloth and wipe away the name “Perego” from the white board in my brain, because that’s not his name anymore. Zoe Saldana recently admitted during an interview with InStyle (via UsWeekly) that her husband decided to go by “Mr. Marco Saldana” ever since they made it legal two years ago.
“I tried to talk him out of it. I told him, ‘If you use my name, you’re going to be emasculated by your community of artists, by your Latin community of men, by the world.’ Marco looks up at me and says, ‘Ah, Zoe, I don’t give a shit.'”
I’m with Marco on this one. If you have the opportunity to take your name from fairly sexy to mucho sexo (Marco Saldana is a very sexy name), you should take it. And if anyone gives him stank eye because he took his wife’s last name, he can just be like “My name is Marco Saldana, your opinion is invalid.”
At least we know Marco did it for the right reasons. If Marco’s motivation for changing his name was to take advantage of his famous wife’s last name and get special treatment, he would have legally changed it to Marco Kit-from-Crossroads. Nothing says “Right this way, sir!” like letting people know you’re married to the third-billed star of one of the greatest movies ever made.
Chris Pratt Says He Couldn’t Get Boners When He Was Chunkier
Don’t worry – there’s a whole mess of Chris Pratt working that buff DILF realness later on. But for now, let us once again enjoy the memory of formerly-fat Chris Pratt’s delicious Orange Crème Marshmallow Peep body stuffed into a junk-hugging stars-and-stripes Speedo. Fun fact about that junk: according to Chris Pratt, it was pretty much in sleep-mode the whole time.
During an interview with Men’s Health UK (via People), America’s Current Sweetheart admitted that after going back and forth between fat and jacked several times, he realized that jacked might be better for his health. And also his boner worked better when it wasn’t being suffocated by his adorable FUPA.
“I’d gone back and forth, lost weight for Moneyball, got fat again, then trimmed down for Zero Dark Thirty, then gained it all back again for Andy [Parks & Recreation]. That’s when I saw Zero Dark Thirty and right after walking out I was like: ‘I’m going to get in shape and I’m never going to be fat again.’ I was impotent, fatigued, emotionally depressed. I had real health issues that were affecting me in a major way. It’s bad for your heart, your skin, your system, your spirit.”
That is SUCH a Catch-22 situation for someone who gets the horn-horns for a pillow body. On the one hand, you get a soft, snuggly Chris Pratt, but his dick is as active as a lump of raw Pillsbury crescent dough. On the other hand, you get a working weiner, but it’s attached to a dude who feels like a trash bag filled with hammers. I guess I’d have to pick fat Chris, but only because I need someone who won’t get mad when I rip into a bag of ketchup chips while watching TV in bed.
And as promised, here’s a ripped Chris Pratt looking all kinds of top heavy in Men’s Health.
