This week’s issue of People Magazine features an interview and photoshoot with the hottest Italian sex symbol in modern history. No, no, not Lady Gaga in House of Gucci. It’s Fabio, he of the wild golden locks, glistening tan muscles, and blood-spattered goose-target face. The model has “come out of retirement” to talk about his life, legacy, and how, at age 62, he’s still looking for love. And that could include marriage and kids. The catch? The future Mrs. Fabio can’t be social-media-obsessed. Fabio hates that shit. You wanna get attention for your sexy pics? Slap your face on the cover of a romance novel like a normal person! Continue reading
We were warned. 22 years ago Fabio was struck in the face by a goose while riding a roller coaster and in the aftermath, he warned us that if something wasn’t done, this type of tragedy would happen again. Possibly injuring a child, or even worse, striking down some other flaxen-haired god in his prime. Yet did we listen? Did we ban birds from the airspace above theme parks? No, we did not. And Fabio’s second-worst fear has come to pass. A child has been struck in the face by a seagull while riding the SpringShot ride at Morey’s Piers in Wildwood, New Jersey. According to The Huffington Post, a 13-year-old girl named Kiley Holman was largely unhurt physically, but if she’s anything like Fabio, the emotional scars may last a lifetime.
This post is really just an excuse to gently caress your eyeballs with the velvety beauty of the tip moistening Italian Adonis who looks like he was chiseled out of a giant blog of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter by Michelangelo. When the Internet hands you a reason to post an exquisite portrait of the human vibrator for eyes, you take it. But while we’re here, let’s go into Fabio pissing all over Kim Kartrashian, and not in the way that made her famous.