And Here’s Caitlyn Jenner Giving You Coy Jessica Lange On The Cover Of Vanity Fair

When we all found out that Bruce Jenner was going to debut “Her” on the cover of Vanity Fair, I thought it was going to be a while before we got to see “Her” giving us chichis and a demure look. But Vanity Fair isn’t wasting any time (and neither is Caitlyn Jenner who already has a verified Twitter account). Today, Vanity Fair made us all say, “What baby?” by tweeting the cover of Caitlyn Jenner, which confirms that she’s the most gorgeous woman in that family. The best part is that Bruce’s new name “Caitlyn” is not spelled with a K. That’s one glorious way to triple slap Pimp Mama Kris. Nothing says, “I’m FREEE of PMK,” like spelling your new name with a C. Keep the PMK shade coming, Caitlyn with a “C.”

Scarlett Johansson Has Thoughts On Thor’s Hotness

Before we get to that sexy Australian slice of lamington cake on the right, we need to talk about why in the HELL does Scarlett Johansson look like the low-budget love child of Miley Cyrus and a Spartan cheerleader?

The 2015 G’Day USA Gala (I literally just pictured an all-Bloomin’ Onion beauty pageant, because I am dumb) was held in Los Angeles on Saturday night. ScarJo was there to present her Avengers co-star and who People tells me is the sexiest man alive Chris Hemsworth with the Excellence in Film award, and during her speech, E! says she told a story about how the sight of a sleeping Thor on an airplane gave Mark Ruffalo, Chris Evans, and herself a case of the horn-horns:

“Chris decided to take a little cat nap. He collapsed into a giant perfect heap, his lion’s mane gracefully falling around his prominent chiseled features. ‘My, God,’ proclaimed Ruffalo, ‘what a specimen.’ Evans added ‘It’s incredible—the man is perfect even when he’s drooling.’ [I] just stared hoping that some of his stardust would drift my way.”

She then went on to say some stuff about Chris Hemsworth that sounds like it was copy+pasted from a user named TwelveInchHammer69 on a Thor/Loki fanfic site:

“He’s all at once sensitive and ferocious, otherworldly and grounded, is shockingly handsome and is surprisingly approachable. He is every man and like no man you’ve met before. He is versatile despite his physicality, which makes him a grade A movie star.”

She then added (she didn’t) “True story: when shooting wrapped on Avengers: Age of Ultron, I snuck into the makeup trailer and stole Chris’ Thor wig. I keep it in a drawer beside my bed and smell it whenever I need to get in the mood, and sometimes I put it on my French husband’s head while he’s asleep and pretend I’m married to Thor. Too weird?”

Here’s more of ScarJo looking like an ice dancer from Planet Zorg, as well as Chris and his wife Elsa Pataky, who no doubt spent the evening reminding all the horny hos that Thor is taken.

Pics: Splash

Oh, It’s Just A Topless Danny Trejo In A Dallas Cowboys Santa Hat And Creased Jorts

Since there’s a lot of sweet nectar to guzzle down, a lot of gay apparel to don and a lot of family fights to be had, Allison and I are taking the rest of Jesus’ born day off and we’ll be back tomorrow unless we have to run away from home after pushing a Christmas tree on our family members because we didn’t get them cha cha heels. Or get arrested after a cop catches us boning a trick we met on Tinder in the Jehovah’s Witness parking lot after midnight (it’s a holiday tradition).

So for now I leave with this perfect holiday portrait of the lighter to my black eyeliner pencil, Danny Trejo, ruling his kingdom on his throne while flashing his chest pies and working a Dallas Cowboys Santa hat, a pair of old-school creased baggy cholo jorts and white socks with black shoes. That IS the look of 2014. You better bow down to Trejo Claus before that white doggy-in-waiting cuts you, because she looks like she’s looking for a fight.

Merry Christmas, hos!

via Twatter via Reddit

Here’s The Newest Trailer For Jurassic World Starring America’s Sweetheart Chris Pratt

So the trailer for Jurassic World was released today, and in case you hadn’t guessed, it’s filled with dinosaurs. It also has a hot mustachioed Chris Pratt. I know, that alone is all you need to know. “HOT CHRIS PRATT WITH A SEXY MOUSTACHE, THE END”, followed by a bunch of gifs of him looking hot. Other than dinosaurs and Chris Pratt, I knew very little about Jurassic World going in to this trailer, but here’s what I’ve gleaned:

1. Remember the first time a scientist filled an island with dinosaurs and the dinosaurs lost their goddamn minds and started eating people and everyone was like “Fuck this, we need to get out of here“? Apparently no one else remembers either, because they’ve done it again. Welcome to Mistake Island!

2. Kitty Sanchez from Arrested Development thinks it’s a-ok to send two kids to dinosaur island by themselves. Kitty NO! That’s a terrible idea! CPS is on line one, Kitty.

3. There is a terrifying water dinosaur equivalent of Shamu who eats a whole shark. They don’t mention its name, but I’m willing to guess it’s something like Sea Nightmare or Piss Pantsasaurus.

4. No Jeff Goldblum. I repeat, NO JEFF GOLDBLUM!

Obviously, you don’t need to see this movie if you’ve ever ridden the Jurassic Park ride at Universal Studios Orlando, because Jurassic World is pretty much the same thing: get on a boat, go to dinosaur island, one of the dinosaurs flips its shit, escape before you get eaten. Oh, what am I even saying? I’ve ridden that ride at least 10 times and my dumb dinosaur-obsessed ass will still be first in line on opening night.

Evan Rachel Wood’s Wet Dreams Have Come True, She’s (Allegedly) Doing Katherine Moennig

If you follow Evan Rachel Wood’s Twatter, then you probably already know that she’s #creamedfromeveryorifice over Katherine Moennig before. Last year, ERW tweeted this about a dream she had co-starring Katherine Moennig.

“Stuck in a cab together for hours…” Is that a scissoring gone wrong thing or is it a gayelle sex position I don’t know about?

Well, Page Six says that 27-year-old ERW and 36-year-old Katherine Moennig are getting stuck in cabs together in real-life, because they’re totally doing it. ERW and Katherine showed up to the the Hammer Museum’s annual Gala in the Garden in L.A. (riveting pictures below) on Saturday night and it was obvious that they’re a thing.

They were holding hands and looked very much like a couple.” The source added that the attractive pair headed to a secluded table and “kept close all night.”

A few months ago, Evan Rachel Wood let it be known that she told her husband and baby father Billy Elliot to dance, Billy, dance, dance toward your divorce attorney’s office!

I’m gayer than a glitter bead on Richard Simmons’ pube bush, but Katherine Moennig still does things to me. She’s like Kristen Stewart if Kristen Stewart wasn’t dead inside and wasn’t in-fucking-sufferable. Whenever I watch her on Ray Donovan, it becomes blatantly obvious that Ray Donovan is a TV show not-at-all based on facts. Because every time she yells at or gets mean with one of Ray’s dumb clients, they don’t immediately bust an orgasm in their pants. And when Katherine Moennig yells at you or gets mean with you, busting an orgasm in your pants is a natural reaction.

So I’m totally into WoodMoen, but that doesn’t mean they’re my favorite lesbian couple in Hollywood. That title will forever belong to Cynthia Nixon and Rojo Caliente….unless Morgan Fairchild and Joan Collins start fucking.

Pics: AP

But Where’s Marcy D’Arcy???

I bet David Faustino is sending her a text message that says “Sorry Chicken Legs, invite only!” NO! That’s more of an Al Bundy thing to do. David’s probably just checking to see if “I Told Ya” has hit 100,000 views on YouTube yet (so close!)

Mark this day in your calendars. For the first time in recent history, an actual legitimate STAR was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday. Katey Sagal (aka Gemma from Sons of Anarchy, aka Leela from Futurama, aka LIFE INSPIRATION PEGGY BUNDY) was honored for her contributions to refined stay-at-home lot lizard couture and exquisite red-headed glamour. Sadly she didn’t waddle out in cheetah-print spandex ass-wrap with her tits out, but she did bring the cast of Married…with Children back together for a mini-reunion to celebrate. Katey was joined on the red carpet by Christina Applegate, Ed O’Neill, and Grandmaster B. Unfortunately, it was a huge waste of time, because you can’t have a Married…with Children reunion without Marcy D’Arcy! Maybe they were afraid she’d show up wearing something super hot and steal the spotlight.

And the YOU HAD ONE JOB award goes to the person responsible for denying Christina the opportunity to introduce Katey’s Walk of Fame star as if it was the neeeeeeew Allanté . She is a model! You had one job! I’m sure she still has the dress! First we’re denied Marcy D’Arcy, then a Bundy Bounce? RUDE!

Here’s more of the bizarro bougie version of Peggy, Al, Kelly, and Bud (in this version, Buck is played by a French Bulldog), as well as Katey with the SOA crew at her Walk of Fame ceremony yesterday in Hollywood:

Pics: Splash