The First Reviews For “Morbius” Are Out, And It Sounds Like Jared Leto Should Prepare His Razzie Speech Now
Jared Leto must have heard all the people joking that he’s aging like a vampire because he decided to star in Marvel’s Morbius, the story of a man who is also a doctor who is also a guy with a rare blood disease who is also a vampire. If that sounds convoluted as hell, well – you’re not the only one. Initial reviews have been released of Morbius, in theaters everywhere tomorrow. Jared is likely going to wish he could go back to the time when people were simply cracking jokes about him aging like a vampire, because now they’re cracking jokes about how god-awful terrible his vampire movie is. I’d make an “It sucks!” vampire pun, but honestly, it feels like pretty much every film review writer has already beat me to it.
It’s been a month since the Ever Given, the Hot Slut cargo ship, blocked the Suez Canal for six whole days. Lots of jokes, memes, and LOLs. But the incident has sent the shipping industry into a tailspin, and everything that needs to be transported from Point A to Point B is like me after a nighttime nacho binge: backed up. The real victims? Garden gnomes and British gnome enthusiasts. During the pandemic, Brits have been extra-obsessed with their gardens, and gnomes were already hard to come by. Add the Ever Given drama into the mix, and the freaky little dwarves have all but disappeared. Continue reading
I know Dame Judi Dench is reportedly losing her eye sight, but surely she’s able to see that the cheerleading squad for Kevin Spacey and Harvey Weinstein isn’t exactly the side you want to be on. Still, Dame Judi Dench is back to ask the question: won’t somebody please think of Kevin and Harvey’s film legacies?!?
I don’t think I’ve heard news this devastating since McDonald’s stopped making the McDLT back in the 80s, but it’s true. Sweethearts, the original text message of the candy world, will not be making a return this year for Valentine’s Day. Now my only question is how will people know you love them if you don’t hand them out a chalky-tasting colored heart that reads: Wanna Do it?
We learned yesterday, thanks to her recent interview with Vanity Fair, Angelina Jolie had probably traumatized a bunch of poor kids (no literally, poor orphans and circus children) while casting for her film First They Killed My Father in Cambodia. According to a human rights expert, there’s more not-great things to know about that film shoot.
Is anyone else super distracted by the gorgeous eyelashes on the human angel hovering over Mama June’s left shoulder? Just me? Ok.
Ketchup-dipped deep-fried mother of the year Mama June has been on the receiving end of some unwanted Facebook attention. You know, aside from the never-ending FarmVille requests and direct messages from prisoners that begin with “Hey, so I’m up for parole at the end of the month…“. According to TMZ, a dude named Andrew Kurt Summers threatened to shoot both Mama June and her daughter Pumpkin on Facebook. TMZ says Mama June told them she takes threats against her family very seriously (“Oh shit, we’re next!” screamed type 2 diabetes), so she called the cops.
But the police didn’t have to work very hard to find Andrew Kurt Summers; he turned himself in on Monday, and was later released on $15,000 bail. He now faces a charge of making “terroristic threats.” But Andrew Kurt Summers tells TMZ that he didn’t actually want to shoot Mama June and Pumpkin; according to Andrew, he left the comment about shooting Mama June and Pumpkin as a “joke” after hearing she was maybe dating a child molester and deciding to troll her Facebook page.
No word on who bailed Andrew Kurt Summers out, but my guess is it was Mama June. What? Andrew Kurt Summers is totally her type: a shady-looking dirtbag who is a danger to her children.