Category: Here Comes Honey Boo Boo

Mama June Reportedly Cheated On Sugar Bear With Her Child Molester Boyfriend

October 27, 2014 / Posted by:

All weekend long, TMZ burped up receipt after receipt after receipt that continued to bury the caca river of denials that Mama June shat up after it was reported that she’s been seeing a convicted pedophile who molested her eldest daughter, Anna “Chickadee” Cardwell, ten years ago. TMZ spit up pictures of Mama June shopping for a place she and her registered sex offender boyfriend Mark McDaniel can play house in and pictures of her allegedly buying a Nissan for the trash who abused her daughter. The rotten, corroded shit cherry on top of the barf berry cake is a picture of June’s Pedobear boyfriend hanging out with Honey Boo Boo. Meanwhile in the Ninth Circle, Lucifer’s minions are busy engraving Mama June’s name on the door that leads to Hell’s special place.

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And There Goes Honey Boo Boo…..

October 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Just one day after TMZ puked up a two-week-old picture of Mama June cuddling up next to the ex-piece who just finished serving 10 years in the chokey for molesting one of her 8-year-old relatives, TLC derailed the sketti sauce train and cut their losses while watching it crash and burn. The makers of diabetes meds are in the fetal position under their desks this morning, because the show they counted on to push more product is done. A entire season of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo was shot, but TLC is not airing it and has canceled the show over the allegations that Mama June is dating a convicted child molester. TLC executives fed cheese balls and sketti sauce to a bull and waited around until it shit up this pile of bullshit:

“Supporting the health and welfare of these remarkable children is our only priority. TLC is faithfully committed to the children’s ongoing comfort and well-being.”

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!

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Mama June Is Really Going For That “Mother Of The Century” Award, I See

October 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Here’s runny vom vom up my froat, because TMZ says that Mama June has really taken the bad decisions cake, gobbled it whole, threw it up and then ate it again by dating a convicted child molester who just get out of prison. Yeah, Mama June put Sugar Bear on the curb for flirting with some chicks he met on a dating site and has allegedly moved on to a child touching monster. Well, if scientists were wondering if eating massive amounts of sketti sauce and cheese balls rots the part of your brain that operates your sense of reason, they got their answer.

Here I was thinking that Mama June and Sugar Bear’s break up was just a good old fashioned scripted stunt for Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, but it turns out that America’s First Family of Class really has broken into a million pieces and slipped down into the gutter. A source tells TMZ that Mama June’s new piece is Mark McDaniel, a 53-year-old piece of trash who was convicted of aggravated child molestation for molesting an 8-year-old girl. He was sent to prison for 10 years. Mama June dated him when he molested the girl and the girl is one of her relatives. Yeah, so this is just a Big Gulp of GROSS.

The source says that Mark McDaniel got out of prison in March and it didn’t take long for him and Mama June to hook up again. While Honey Boo Boo was shooting, Mama June allegedly snuck out of the house to spend time with her sex offender boo. TMZ has a picture of them snuggling in a hotel bed together if you really want to spend a few minutes of your day cleaning barf off of your screen after two waves of puke shot out of your eye sockets.

TLC told TMZ that Honey Boo Boo isn’t in production right now and “we are very concerned about this new information and are reassessing the future of the series.” Translation: “After learning this information, we have renewed Here Comes Honey Boo Boo for 5 more seasons, because rating$$$$!

Mama June hasn’t farted up a statement about this yet, but a Dlisted reader sent me screen shots of her (or someone who has access to the Honey Boo Boo FB account) response (which she or someone else later deleted) in a thread on Facebook about this heave-inducing story. Mama June is allegedly screaming ‘SHOPPED and denies sleeping with the enemy:

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Mama June has a history of humping on felons, so sadly this wouldn’t be that shocking if it was true. If it’s true, then Mama June doesn’t have to worry about the gnats nibbling the cheese on her Forklift Foot anymore, because even they will be so grossed out that they’d quit her for good. And TLC should probably change the name of the show to: RUN, HONEY BOO, RUUUUUN!

Final Proof That True Love Is And Has Always Been A Lie: America’s Royal Couple Has Separated

September 19, 2014 / Posted by:

QUICK! Everyone form a protective circle around Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon, because 2014 is really taking a machete to the meaning of real love and none of our favorite couples are safe!

Most of you are still lying on the floor in a pile of sadness after reading about the tragic death of Canada’s royal couple and this truly sad news is going to make you want to pull yourself off of the floor and fall down again while screaming, “NO! NO! NO!TMZ says that the couple I thought would last forever (served with zero sarcasm) has broken up. Mama June has taken off her commitment ring and dumped Sugar Bear after finding out that he’s been trolling dating sites for new ass. Sugar Bear put up profiles on dating sites including PlentyOfFish.com. You know, Sugar Bear is as slow as Mama June’s metabolism, so maybe he thought that PlentyOfFish.com was a website where you buy actual fish?

TMZ has a screen shot of Sugar Bear’s profile. He calls himself Georgiafighter31054 and says he loves to hunt fish and ride 4 wheelers. Mama June believe in her diabetes-filled heart of diabetes-filled hearts that Sugar Bear’s been sticking his sugar dick in other tricks. Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is shooting right now and once they’re done, she’s going to pack up her tribe of deep fried dumplings and move out of the house. She’s going to move closer to her relatives. Mama June and Sugar Bear released this sad-inducing statement to TMZ:

“Sugar Bear and I have decided to take some time apart to figure out some things in our relationship. We are taking things day by day but regardless of what happens the girls will always be our #1 priority. We want to thank ya’ll for your support.”

This has to be a shameless stunt for the finale of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. This world cannot go on without Sugar Bear gently sticking his peen between Mama June’s luscious stack of Pringles chins and fighting off the gnats to nibble off the corns from her forklift foot. That’s real love. My heart is broken and not even a gallon of sketti sauce can mend it together.

Here’s Mama June and Sugar Bear during happier times at Extra or Access Hollywood (or whatever show that twat Mario Lopez hosts) last year.

Pics: Wenn.com

Honey Boo Boo Hit Mama June On The Tonight Show

June 19, 2014 / Posted by:

It was just a quick second ago when America’s deep fried sweetheart was just a sketti sauce-covered cornish game hen of cuteness who made fart jokes and gave her heart to a drag queen pig. But now Honey Boo Boo is slowly entering that constant eye roll phase of life, and one audience member who watched her taping of The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon last week said she has turned into a “dimpled monster.” It really isn’t right calling Honey Boo Boo a “dimpled monster.” That’s the copyrighted nickname for John Travolta’s butt.

Salon published an article from Christy O’Shoney who writes that she sat in the audience for Mama June and Honey Boo Boo’s appearance on The Tonight Show and she thought she was going to get some light-hearted, artery-clogging fun, but instead she got Honey Boo Boo not wanting to be there. After this generation’s Shirley Temple came out in an exquisitely elegant leopard and bedazzled ensemble, she sat down and wasn’t into any of it. Christy writes that Mama June had to either answer the questions for her or mumble the answers to her. Christy says that a lot of awkwardness was cut out of the television broadcast including a moment that would make the veins in every abuelita’s forehead throb and explode:

But the most notable moment to be left out of Honey Boo Boo’s appearance on “The Tonight Show” was when she became so fed up that she actually struck Mama June. Up until this point, Fallon had been doing a great job of navigating Alana’s weird behavior, but it was at this moment when he became positively awesome. “NEVER hit your mother!” he exclaimed, in a voice that was serious with just a hint of a joke, and the studio audience erupted in applause. Finally, we thought, someone is addressing this child’s attitude.

But really, it’s television, so instead of getting a timeout for hitting her mom, Alana was handed pompoms and asked to lead the audience in a cheer. We reluctantly played along for Jimmy’s sake, but it felt strange, like we were giving her some kind of reward for her behavior.

When I watched the episode that night and I saw how much had been cut out, it made me wonder how much of Alana’s life is itself left on the cutting-room floor. Where do the producers of “Toddlers & Tiaras” or “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” have to draw the line? There must come a point where they say: This is not good TV, it’s just sad. Let’s cut it

If I was on TV with my abuelita and I slapped her, it would be game over for everyone involved. A curtain, that wasn’t there before, would magically fall in front of the audience, the camera people would unplug their cameras and my abuelita would calmly ask a producer to call the nearest mortuary home and tell them to prepare two tiny coffins that can fit two tiny 8-year-old hands, because we will be having a funeral for my hands later that day. I’m surprised Mama June’s Jabba the Hutt chins didn’t immediately wrap its mouth (yes, her chins have a mouth) around Honey Boo Boo and swallow her whole.

Christy ends her piece with a shocking revelation: the Honey Boo Boo we see on TV might be an act.

So this edited version of Honey Boo Boo becomes what we celebrate. We laugh at this kid with the funny catchphrases, the quirky dances, the affinity for go-go juice, but I suspect that she might not actually exist. The Honey Boo Boo we know is a compilation of shticky moments in what has clearly been a strange, tough childhood. The Alana I saw on “The Tonight Show” set was visibly troubled: disrespectful, defiant, entitled. Of course, with a bit of editing, “disrespectful” becomes “precocious,” “defiant” becomes “sassy,” and “entitled” becomes “confident.”

Who knew that when you take a little child, push them out onto a stage and tell them to dance, monkey, sing, monkey, be cute, monkey, that one day when they get a little older they’ll get tired of that shit and rebel. This has never happened before! But really, besides the hitting your mom foolery, aren’t most 8-year-olds like that? That’s why I say when they turn 6, we drop them all on some isolated island where they can roll their eyes and sass each other all day long. We can bring them back when they’re 16, but only because we need a teenager to buy tickets to Fault In Our Stars for us so we don’t look truly pathetic. I’ve done a lot of shameful things in my life, but nothing is more shameful than me going up to a movie theater box office and saying, “I’d like one ticket to Fault In Our Stars please.”

The Kartrashians Wish They Were As Beautimous As This

October 31, 2013 / Posted by:

Here’s Mama June and her band of deep fried balls of butter as Lucifer’s favorite whores the Kardashians. I know you’re looking at these pictures and wondering why they all went as Khloe, but they’re all different Kartrashians. Uncle Poodle and Mama June are Kim, Honey Boo Boo is Pimp Mama Kris, Chubbs is Khloe, Chickadee is Kourtney, Sugar Bear is Bruce and Pumpkin is Scott Isadick.

If the Kardashians had souls, had butter running through their veins instead of the black blood of Satan and were filled with cheese balls instead of Botox, this is exactly what they would look like. It’s perfect and a million times better than the real thing. If being the Sketti Sauce Queen of Georgia doesn’t work out for Mama June, she should be Kim Kardashian’s double. If she perfected the whole “dead-eyed whore” look, she’d be a dead ringer.

And Sugar Bear needed to stuff his tank top and wear a mask of fried bologna to fully nail Bruce Jenner. Honestly, Mama June’s Forklift Foot should’ve been Bruce.

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via People

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