The Look IS Zendaya’s Mullet

Expect dehydrated praying mantis Giuliana Rancic to say on Fashion Police that Zendaya looks like she smells like Miley Cyrus’ farts and Corn Pops. Because Zendaya gave us Billy Ray Cyrus messiness at the Grammys tonight. It looks like she had enough roadkill on her head to feed the entire Cyrus family and them some at Thanksgiving.

When I first saw Zendaya on the red carpet, I only saw her from the front and thought she was wearing a $3 Justin Bieber circa 2009 wig, but then she turned around and gave me a view of the luscious beaver party in the back. She looked like the kind of hot piece that Aileen Wuornos would try to pick up in a Florida gay bar.

Some people thought that Zendaya was paying tribute to David Bowie’s Goblin King with that mullet (cut to David Bowie throwing an ultra graceful “bitch, please” look) but she told Entertainment Tonight she just wanted to be different.

“This hair was actually kind of an out-of-the-blue type hair. I wanted to do the short blonde, but I wanted to do something different, so I was like, ‘Let’s do a mullet! I’m like, ‘Why not?’ “I wanted to bring that feel into it. It’s kind of like a throwback a little bit.”

That’s not what happened. Zendaya and her stylist probably read Kanye West’s tweets together and she bet that he would soon say he was hacked and delete all those tweets. Zendaya’s stylist said fuck no and they made a bet. If Zendaya lost she had to go to the Grammys dressed up like Joe Dirt emceeing a lounge show at a fourth-rate Las Vegas casino. We all know who lost that bet.

Pics: AP, Getty, Wenn.com

Lady Gaga And Lady Gaga Alone Will Perform In A David Bowie Tribute At The Grammys

This awards season is Caca’d out. Lady CaCa won a Golden Globe, she’s going to perform that song she barely helped write at the Oscars and now the Grammy hos announced this morning that she will do a David Bowie tribute on the show. Everything’s coming up CaCa this awards season.

Lady Gaga was already booked to perform on the Grammys on February 15th before David Bowie’s death. After David Bowie beamed up into the universe and became the potential 9th planet in the solar system, the Grammy producers asked her to do a tribute to him. Grammys producer Ken Ehrlich told The New York Times that several artists asked if they could do or be a part of a Bowie tribute, but he said no to all of them. He wants Gaga to do it. I guess since most of Gaga’s career has been one-long Bowie and Madonna tribute act, this Ken dude feels like she’s the obvious choice.

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Kendrick Lamar Is The King Of The 2016 Grammy Nominations (And Oh Yeah, Swifty Got A Few Too)

Adele’s new album (aka the only album that matters in the world) and single came out after the deadline for Grammy nominations (September 30, 2015), so she didn’t get not a one nomination this morning. I’m surprised the Grammy bitches didn’t start a new category, Best New Masterpiece Album By Adele That Missed The Deadline But Deserves All Of The Awards Anyway, just for her ass this year. Adele’s Grammy year is next year. The good news is that the 2017 Grammys will be 5 minutes long instead of 500 hours long. The 5-minute-long ceremony will be nothing but shots of workers with wheelbarrows dumping dozens of Grammys onto Adele’s front yard.

This year, Kendrick Lamar is the overlord of the Grammy nominations with 11, including Album of the Year for “To Pimp A Butterfly” (which sounds like the title of a hooker movie starring Mariah Carey). The Weeknd and Taylor Swift got the second most nominations with 7. My thoughts are with the people around Tay Tay who nearly broke every muscle and nerve in their eyeballs while resisting the urge to bust out an eye roll as the nominations came out and she screamed, “Oh my golly gee, this NEVER happens to little ole’ me!”

While looking at the nominations this morning, I had to stop and run my fingers over to dictionary.com after I got to Best New Artist. I had to check to see if the definition of “new” changed, because Meghan Trainor was nominated for Best New Artist. But it turns out that “All About That Bass” only came out last year and her album came out this year. It just feels like her music has been terrorizing our eardrums for centuries.

All of the Grammy nominations are here. I threw up a lot of them after the cut. My comment about the nominations in each category is: Call the police, the FBI, President Obama and Detective La Toya, because  Glorianna Galicia was wrongly robbed!

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I Don’t Think That Fur Stole Is Part Of The Party Down Dress Code…

I’m not sure what the inspiration behind Charli XCX’s Grammys outfit was, but I like to imagine that her stylist was going for ‘former Party Down employee who was fired for getting stoned and falling asleep on a pile of fur coats at a graduation party for Leonard Stiltskin’s daughter‘ sort of thing. She’s like the accidental hot tub baby of Roman and Bobbie St. Brown. She also kind of reminds me of a baby model from the baby formal wear page of a Sears catalog. You know, the one where all the babies look like tiny aspiring dinner theater magicians?

But if I have to be totally honest, that baby pink mink stole would have looked so much hotter paired with a floor-length crystal-studded Bob Mackie gown. Yes, I know that it’s no longer 1979 and not everyone can be Cher or Morgan Fairchild, but what ever happened to serving up show-stopping glitz n’ glamour at the Grammys? I understand that not everyone can handle the responsibility that comes along with walking the red carpet in some top-shelf crystal-covered eleganza, but at least they could try. It’s truly a dark day when only ONE person was brave enough to pull out all the stops (no, literally – there’s definitely a construction site missing its caution markers) and arrive working some old school beauty pageant glamour.

Here’s more of Charli XCX, as well as the rest of the dull, unpolished rhinestones that rolled down the Grammy red carpet last night, including an escort-looking Lady Gaga, Kelly Osbourne in Dame Edna drag, Katy Perry in Kelly Osbourne drag, and John Mayer making me completely ashamed to say I totally would:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Who Worked It Better?

CAKE! The cake always wins because it’s cake! But RiRi still worked the Barbie birthday cake look better than Lena Dunham.

RiRi has been wet humping the 90s like crazy recently, so I figured she was going to show up to the Grammys wearing Kelly and Brenda’s Spring Dance dress or high-heeled floral Docs with smiley face stickers barely covering her nipples and clit. RiRi probably wanted to wear the second outfit but farted on that idea after finding out that Miley Cyrus already wore it to the grocery store earlier in the day. So instead, RiRi showed up looking like the cake you begged your mother to buy you for your 7th birthday.

Giambattista Valli designed this dress but he can’t take all the credit for it. The original designer is the nana who crocheted a dolly toilet paper roll cover for the powder room in her front hallway. The original designers of this dress are also the little girls at a slumber party who made a tent in the living room using cushions and princess duvet covers.

RiRi sat in the front row during the show and I hiccuped up a bushel of laughs every time the camera panned by her monster shower puff dress. It swallowed up everything in its path. I bet after the show, one of her people had to pick her up and shake out all the stuff that got suck underneath her dress throughout the night. Out came the rest of Pharrell’s pants, the bird eggs that were in Igloo Australia’s braided hair nest, Katy Perry’s Grammy, the artistry that Kanye says Beck needs to respect and Prince.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

And Introducing Gwyneth Paltrow’s Beautiful Friend, Beyonce

Adding one more layer of WTF to last night’s already too-long Sam Smith Appreciation Awards, Her Majesty Beyonce’s gospel-sounding and possibly poached Grammy performance was introduced by the singer no one asked for, but keeps trying anyway, Gwyneth Paltrow. And in true Goopy fashion, Gwyneth made sure to remind us that Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t have regular friends, like the poor losers watching at home, but special important famous friends by introducing her as “my beautiful friend Beyonce.” Even Beyonce was like “calm down, you thirsty trick, I want you to kiss my ass, not suck it dry.”

Goopy also decided to burp up some vague words about living in “complicated times” before introducing Beyonce’s performance of “Take My Hand, Precious Lord” (which was featured in the movie Selma, then followed by a performance of “Glory” by Common and John Legend), and naturally that went over real well on Twitter. Goopy introducing a civil right’s song makes about as much sense as my Pop Tarts-popping ass introducing Cookie Monster and a bunch of come-to-life veggies singing about eating healthy foods. “Complicated times”? The only thing Goopy knows about struggle is when they run out of heirloom radish greens at the her invitation-only organic farmers market.

I apologize to those of you who wanted to see more pictures of a humanoid corn broom in one of Vanna White’s old Wheel dresses from the early 90s, but Goopy didn’t walk the red carpet at the Grammys last night. So here’s Gwyneth Paltrow’s beautiful friend Beyonce serving up some store brand Laverne Cox instead:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com