CAKE! The cake always wins because it’s cake! But RiRi still worked the Barbie birthday cake look better than Lena Dunham.
RiRi has been wet humping the 90s like crazy recently, so I figured she was going to show up to the Grammys wearing Kelly and Brenda’s Spring Dance dress or high-heeled floral Docs with smiley face stickers barely covering her nipples and clit. RiRi probably wanted to wear the second outfit but farted on that idea after finding out that Miley Cyrus already wore it to the grocery store earlier in the day. So instead, RiRi showed up looking like the cake you begged your mother to buy you for your 7th birthday.
Giambattista Valli designed this dress but he can’t take all the credit for it. The original designer is the nana who crocheted a dolly toilet paper roll cover for the powder room in her front hallway. The original designers of this dress are also the little girls at a slumber party who made a tent in the living room using cushions and princess duvet covers.
RiRi sat in the front row during the show and I hiccuped up a bushel of laughs every time the camera panned by her monster shower puff dress. It swallowed up everything in its path. I bet after the show, one of her people had to pick her up and shake out all the stuff that got suck underneath her dress throughout the night. Out came the rest of Pharrell’s pants, the bird eggs that were in Igloo Australia’s braided hair nest, Katy Perry’s Grammy, the artistry that Kanye says Beck needs to respect and Prince.