It Really Is 2009 All Over Again…..

When Kanye West almost “Imma’d” Beck at the Grammys last night, I thought he was doing a little joking and attention whoring at the same time, but nope. Kanye wasn’t joking and he wanted to take us all the way back to the 2009 MTV VMAs by snatching away Beck’s microphone to rant about how Beyonce had the greatest album of all-time.

After the Grammys, Kanwhine and Kummy Kakes talked to Khlozilla and the other head nodders at E! and he used his time in front of their cameras to rip off E!’s logo from the mic and stick his tongue all the way up Beyonce’s bey-hole by saying that she should’ve won Album of the Year and the Grammys need to embrace real artists (“Um, they totally do!” – Grammy nominee Meghan Trainor). Kanye wanted to hijack Beck’s Grammy moment and spit out a stan stream for Beyonce into that mic, but he didn’t, because of his clothing line or something.

Continue reading

Sia Borrowed Kristen Wiig For Her Grammy Performance

Although in this crystal-clear vision test of a video uploaded by the Academy of Recoding Arts and Sciences, it could also be the Target Lady in grimy Gummo drag. Sadly, it’s not, but it’s the next best thing: Kristen Wiig in grimy Gummo drag flailing around to “Chandelier” at the Grammys last night with professional tiny wigged dancer Maddie Ziegler in what appears to be the living room from any episode of American Pickers, while Sia hung out in the corner with her face to the wall like she was waiting for the Blair Witch. All of which was introduced by a cleaned-up Shia LaBeouf reading an art school stoner-sounding love-letter to Sia written by her husband. And yet, still not as busted as Madonna’s performance.

I know Sia gets a major case of stage jitters every time someone asks her to perform live, and I’m all for her asking famous types to fill in for her, face-wise, but I feel like she really missed an opportunity last night by not swapping out Maddie Ziegler with Bill Hader, thus denying us (aka me) a much-wanted (by me) follow up to the life-giving lip-synching scene from The Skeleton Twins. If you’re going to replace yourself with two people lip synching for their liiiiiives, you should get the best.

Thankfully, Sia was brave enough to make an appearance on the red carpet before the ceremony, but she hid her face with a wig made from Santa’s pubes because she’s super shy, and definitely not because she’s 2015’s version of Lady Gaga and loves the attention. Here she is being escorted up the red carpet by her contractually obligated shadow Maddie Ziegler last night:

Pics: Splash

Kanye West Pulled A Fake “Imma Let You Finish” On Beck When Beyonce Didn’t Win Album Of The Year

When Beck (who looked like Charlie from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) won the Album of the Year Grammy over the second coming of JESUS known as Beyonce, Kanye West gave us a repeat performance of his Swift-jacking at the 2009 MTV VMAs when he pretended to snatch that trophy out of the hand of one Xenu’s chosen children. My thoughts about that entire moment are best expressed through the look Prince (who presented Beck with that award) gave:

The truth is Jehovah’s Sexiest Witness threw that look when everybody stood up for him as he sashayed out to give the award for Album of the Year. That is a look that says, “You better stand up for this queen, you peasant homelies.” Beck should really be JAILED and FINED for not giving his trophy to the ethereal dandelion known as Prince for looking like an orange Fruit Roll-Up dipped in crystallized sugar. Prince deserves all the awards for looking like Prince.

Pics: Getty

Pharrell Is All Of Us

I mean, when a dude who wore a Pee-wee Herman British schoolboy suit and performed a The Shining meets Grand Budapest Hotel version of “Happy“ throws you a side-eye of judgement, you know you deserve to be judged. The worst-selling Lalaloopsy doll known as Taylor Swift danced all through the Grammys because she knows that’s what you expect her to do and Pharrell threw her the side-eye all of us want to throw at her.

My nipples have never tingled for the Smooth Rat the way they’re tingling while seeing him throw a “Bitch, I see you trying to give Buzzfeed their ’10 Dance Moves That Taylor Swift Did During The Grammys’ list” look at Tay Tay.

Pics: Getty, Wenn.com

And Here’s Madge’s Minotaur-Filled Illuminati Ritual At The Grammys Tonight

Yes, Madge, pussy fuck that Minotaur’s elbow, because that’s truly living for love.

In case you’re like me and live in the land of yesterday where we have to wait for the Grammys when it airs here next fucking week or watch a live stream that looks like it’s being broadcast via AOL dial-up via 1998, here’s Madge serving up some ole-flavored latter day Mae West glamour while performing “Living For Love” at the Grammys tonight. I guess I now know what the ritual looks like where Madge sacrifices a virgin child to Lucifer’s minions to keep her face looking as tight as a fetus’ taint and to keep the six-pack on her labia lips muscled up. This is some Pink aerial acrobats meets Elsa Mars in American Horror Story: Freak Show.  When I’m 56 years old, I’ll be snorting Metamucil powder in between turning the garden hose on the brats running around my yard, so yes, this is a mess, but I can’t hate on it totally.

I would write a 10,000 word review of this performance, but why should I when the greatest poet of our time Khia put it best:

FYI: Madge is 56. Accidental shade courtesy of Khia.

Madge Showed Her Ass At The Grammys

And it’s up for you to decide if I meant that in more ways than one.

Leave it to a seasoned attention whore like Madge to show the young wannabe attention whores how to really leave your dignity in the car and cover yourself in sequined ridiculousness for maximum attention. When I turned on E!, the first thing I saw was Madge’s suffocating and pushed-up chichis and her looking like a chorus member of Take A Bow: The Burlesque Show. I guess looking like the dayshift emcee at a matador-themed strip club in Reno didn’t get Matardonna as much attention as she expected, because during the red carpet she lifted up her little skirt and gave us a view of her 56-year-old nalgas and the Spanx belt holding them up. Lourdes, that’s your mom!

I see Matardonna letting the bitches know that they’ll have to scrap their “But how did she wear Depends underneath that little outfit?” jokes.

The best part of Madge terrorizing the red carpet was when Ryan Seacrest interviewed her. I’m not exaggerating when I say that this is what the interview looked like 80% of the time.

Madge kept her back to Ryan Seacrest almost the entire time and talked to the two dudes she was with. Madge knows that it’s not a good idea to look a shifty leprechaun in the eye and he probably didn’t mind, because he’d screech out of his lifts if he looked down and saw the lady nip that may or may not be poking out of Madge’s outfit.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash, Getty, @LuisVaporub