With each passing day Drake inches closer to the inevitable conclusion of God’s Plan — Death. As do we all. However, God apparently has a thing for corny Canadian rappers who’ve somehow managed to overcome the odds and learned to walk again, so he rewarded Drake with endless wealth and, in his golden years, the gift of self-reflection. And so, in accordance with God’s Plan, at 36, Drake tells Lil Yachty for FUTUREMOOD’s A Moody Conversation series that he’s “kind of introducing the concept in my mind of a graceful exit.” From music, from music! And looking back on his storied career (in music, in music!) from the vantage of maturity and growth, he expressed some regret about the blatant misogyny evident in much of his work. Well, OK, not exactly. But he did say, “maybe I coulda done without, like, shitting on people for age or disrupting somebody’s life” by name-dropping his exes on wax.
We’re not going to have Worst Chris to kick around anymore because Chris Pratt has decided he doesn’t want to be any kind of Chris anymore. According to Entertainment Weekly, Chris wholeheartedly rejects his given name and would prefer the world address him as “Pratt. CP. You know, CP. ‘Hey, CP.'” Pratt, or CP.” Presumably still acceptable are Worst Garfield, Worst Avenger, Worst Super Mario Brother, and Worst Artist Formerly Known as Chris.
Kirk Cameron Calls Public Schools “Enemy Number One” While Plugging His Documentary “Homeschool Awakening”
It’s rare to see someone work so hard to destroy their legacy with as much efficiency and speed as Kirk Cameron has. Just 11 years ago, Kirk had reached the pinnacle of his career when he starred in Office Birthday, a subversive work of absurdist art about a former teen-heartthrob whose religious fervor results in a surreal tableau that speaks to the isolation and futility of modern American enterprise. Since then, he’s given us nothing but shitty movie after shitty movie, punctuated by one shitty hot take after another. Kirk’s most recent shitty movie is a documentary called Homeschool Awakening, and his most recent shitty hot take is that America’s public school system has become “public enemy #1.” Kirk was on top of the world, now he’s just another asshole for whom education and empathy are dirty words. He really should have just sat there and eaten his footlongs.
Living a life of hypocrisy and lies can really take it out of a person and Pastor Carl Lentz is tired. People reports that Carl is checking himself into an outpatient treatment facility that specializes in treating depression, anxiety, and “pastoral burnout,” which is a clever metaphor for what happens when the shepherd does tractor donuts in the sheep field before whipping his dick out and fucking the flock. Though Pastor Carl has been laid low (high, sideways and every other kind of way, if the higher-ups at Hillsong are correct), The Sun reports that, thanks to Tyler Perry’s largess, Pastor Carl’s fall from grace will be softened by Madea’s ample bosom.
It finally happened, The Pope is canceled! And I’m not talking about that TV show starring Jude Law. I’m talking about that old Argentinian dude who lives in Italy and always wears that funny little boob hat with a nipple on top. According to New York Daily News, The Vatican has launched an investigation into what type of ass Pope Francis gets off on after his official Instagram account “liked” a picture of a Brazilian bikini model/Twitch streamer’s juicy junk hanging out the bottom of a Catholic schoolgirl’s uniform. This is monumental. We might finally learn what floats the Pope’s boat when he’s pulling on that Pope rope.
We all knew two of Jesus’ most insufferable disciples, Kanye West and Justin Bieber, would one day band together to irritate in His name. Justin’s working so hard to promote his new album that he committed the sin of adultery by cheating on his Churchome hipster pastor by performing at Kanye’s Sunday Service yesterday. According to Billboard, Justin made a surprise appearance and sang Never Would Have Made It by Marvin Sapp and Kim Kardashian posted it to her Instagram stories, because as everybody knows, Instagram is the surest way to get God’s attention. Prayer is so 0020.