We all knew two of Jesus’ most insufferable disciples, Kanye West and Justin Bieber, would one day band together to irritate in His name. Justin’s working so hard to promote his new album that he committed the sin of adultery by cheating on his Churchome hipster pastor by performing at Kanye’s Sunday Service yesterday. According to Billboard, Justin made a surprise appearance and sang Never Would Have Made It by Marvin Sapp and Kim Kardashian posted it to her Instagram stories, because as everybody knows, Instagram is the surest way to get God’s attention. Prayer is so 0020.
I don’t know if he’s just dehydrated or what, but Kanye West’s already tenuous grip on reality seems to be slipping. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Kanye’s ready to legally change his name to Christian Genius Billionaire Kanye West and says he’s definitely “walking” for president in 2024. Oh, and black people need to stop voting Democrat if they want to get good jobs in his shoe factory (the real positions of power at Yeezy are apparently reserved for Steve Jobs types). I have never seen anyone more in need of a nap. Shit, I need a nap just reading about it.
As is his wont, Drake attended game 5 of the NBA finals last night wearing what can only be described as a sexual harassment dry eraser board on his wrist. According to Page Six, Drake was seen flashing a $750,000 Richard Mille “69 Tourbillon Erotic” watch that features a “three panels capable of displaying different suggestive phrases”. Last night, Drake’s watch was set to “I’d Love to Kiss Your Pussy”. As punishment, God made the Raptors lose the game by a single point. #Godsplan
Imagine you’re at home, minding your own business, and you look out the window to see some mustachioed fiend standing outside gripping a pillow. He doesn’t look bothered, in fact he’s grinning like an idiot, despite the fact that it’s freezing outside and he’s not wearing a coat. You might think he was some sort of deranged imbecile who thinks that Trump was chosen by God to become President. And you’d be right! That’s what happened to a Jordan, Minnesota resident who called the police to report a seriously fucked up looking person standing outside in the cold. But because they are nice in Minnesota, they only called so that the police could do a wellness check on the person. Turns out the guy was more fucked up than he looked. When the police got there, they found him stiff as a board! Turns out it was a cardboard cutout of MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell, and he actually believes Trump was appointed by God.
I don’t know if Drake has secret cancer or what but he’s been blowing through little Adonis’ inheritance at an alarming rate these past few months. He recently bought himself a $400,000 iPhone case for Valentine’s Day which he has probably already dropped in the toilet a few times. And now he’s just dropped $1.4 million on a car which he bought with the help of his “Bespoker”. I hear you, what the actual fuck is a Bespoker? If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.
It seems there’s no stopping the Pratternegger! According to Us Weekly, the budding relationship between Chris Pratt and Katherine Schwarzenegger continues to bloom. Actually, Us says it’s “heating up” but these two seem about as hot and heavy for each other as the leg of cold picnic chicken served on a bed of leftover mashed potatoes straight from the fridge.
Us says that Katherine’s mom Maria Shriver is the one who set them up. She felt their mutual Godly activities meant they’d be a good match. According to Us, “Her mom set them up because they’re both active in the church”. What is Chris setting up folding chairs on Sunday mornings over at The Little Church Down The Lane on his weekends off? It’s all a little tidy for my taste, but if that’s the fantasy they’re going with, I’ll play along.