Madonna has some very important matters on her mind, and the only person she can properly discuss then with is Pope Francis. So she took to Twitter to beg for a meeting with His Holiness. Madge is well aware she’s one of the Catholic Church’s least favorite female music stars (it’s her, Sinead O’Connor, and that nun-killer Katy Perry), but tweets that she thinks it’s unfair that she’s (allegedly) been ex-communicated three times.
Elton John Accused Pope Francis Of Hypocrisy On Twitter For The Vatican’s Stance On The Blessing Of Same Sex Marriages
Despite embodying a caricature of “the sassy gay man,” — he’s a gossipy busybody with an unapologetically flamboyant wardrobe and a life-long aversion to pussy — as frequently posited, The Pope is in fact Catholic. Arguably, he’s THE MOST Catholic. As such, under his direction, The Vatican has issued a decree stating that Catholic clergy members aren’t allowed to bless gay marriages because God “cannot bless sin.” Well, The Pope’s layman tether Elton John is not here for Frank’s hypocrisy and blasted the pontiff on Twitter claiming that The Vatican was A-OK with gay marriage when it helped to finance the movie Rocketman which Elton says celebrates his marriage to David Furnish. So yes, on this day in history, Elton John beefed with The Pope on Twitter and poor Madonna hasn’t found a way to get in on that action yet!
It finally happened, The Pope is canceled! And I’m not talking about that TV show starring Jude Law. I’m talking about that old Argentinian dude who lives in Italy and always wears that funny little boob hat with a nipple on top. According to New York Daily News, The Vatican has launched an investigation into what type of ass Pope Francis gets off on after his official Instagram account “liked” a picture of a Brazilian bikini model/Twitch streamer’s juicy junk hanging out the bottom of a Catholic schoolgirl’s uniform. This is monumental. We might finally learn what floats the Pope’s boat when he’s pulling on that Pope rope.
Today I learned that it’s now considered gauche to kiss The Pope’s ring. It’s simply not done anymore. At least that’s what our new school, Rock ’N’ Roll Pope thinks. According to The Independent, Pope Frankie Says Relax is not about that groveling shit. During a recent mass at Holy House of Loreto in Italy, Pope Francis specifically asked the public not to kiss his Ciotola Super ring, but to no avail. The assembled masses seemed to take the request as a challenge. You could probably hear the sound of thousands of caps being popped off of thousand of tubes of chapsticks sticks as the people prepared to pucker up. Apparently, kissing the Pope’s ring is worth huge Catholic Bingo points.
Taylor Swift must be in full on Serpentor rage mode this morning. Last night, she probably received a DM from her arch-nemesis Katy Perry depicting the “Swish Swish” bish posing with Pope Francis of all people! “Didn’t she kill A NUN?!?!“ Taylor must have hissed to whichever bicurious Victoria’s Secret model she currently has lying around the Pippy Yawnstocking Palace. “WHERE’S MY INVITE? I JUST RELEASED TWO VIDEOS FOR THE SAME SONG AND I HAVE MULTIPLE STALKERS! I’m way more popular than that tramp!” Or so you can imagine.
It’s true, Katy Perry, 33, and boyfriend Orlando Bloom, 41, met the Pope, 81. Orlando was wise enough not to wear his paddleboarding outfit. Take it from me, a lapsed Catholic, the Church frowns upon nude paddleboarding. It’s in the Bible.
HuffPo says that after the night covers Rome and most of the Catholic priests head down to the disco under the Vatican to snort blessed coke off of a go-go boy’s soft dick, Pope Francis put on “ole’ regular priest” drag and sneaks out to help the homeless. Note to Justin Bieber and all the other celebrity fuck-ups, you need to get with Pope Francis’ PR team, because those bitches are good.
Archbishop Konrad Krajewski (aka the Almoner of His Holiness) recently told reporters that Pope Francis always wants to go with him when he goes out into the city at night to hang with homeless people. Archbishop Konrad let out a subtle smile when reporters asked him if Pope Francis has ever gone out with him. A source tells HuffPo that Pope Francis does go out at night to mingle with the homeless:
“Swiss guards confirmed that the pope has ventured out at night, dressed as a regular priest, to meet with homeless men and women.”
Pope Eggs Benedict just clutched his gold Lacroix crucifix and screamed out, “Heiligen Gott,” (Google Translate tells me that’s German for “¡Santo Dios!“), because the thought of him taking off his precious red leather Prada knock-off loafers to do himself up as a normal priest is making him want to fall back into the arms of his lead supervisor (aka Jesus) and weep at the thought of that dreadfulness.
So Pope Francis has tweeted against consumerism, doesn’t have any household staff, he supposedly said that do-gooder atheists go to heaven, he wrote that the church is “obsessed” with gay marriage and abortion, he used to be a club bouncer and now we learn that he de-Popes his look to eat bread with the homeless without creating a scene. What is going on here?! Pope Fran Fran better stop being so cool before the
fangirls fanabuelitas turn on him. They’re all asking themselves, “Harpo, who dis Pope?”