Despite the fact that Alan Thicke is dead, fan-favorite Boner is dead, and Kirk Cameron is also dead (to me), Us Weekly is reporting that a reboot of Growing Pains, which ran for 7(!) seasons from 1985-1992, is in the works. Yes, technically Leonardo Di Caprio is still alive, but the chances of him reprising his role as a homeless pre-teen are slim. From the sounds of things, the GP reboot is still in the early stages and so far, only Mike Seaver (Kirk whose real life sister Candace is on Fuller House), sister Carole (Tracey Gold whose real life sister Missy was on Benson), and kid brother Ben (Jeremy Miller, a part-time caterer) have managed to clear their extremely busy schedules. And you can’t have a GP reboot without mom Maggie Seaver! And Judith Light lite actress Joanna Kerns has yet to sign on.
Sigh, this is like when Tomi Lahren and Ann Coulter fight. Violence is never good, and someone should teach Kirk Cameron that! I guess someone was pissed at who got to read the fun scriptures at Sunday school this week because the Cameron kids had a reunion that didn’t go off quite as planned. Kirk’s sister, Candace Cameron Bure, got on Instagram yesterday to snitch that she got a hand injury after Kirk ran over it with a go-kart. Sounds like someone is still bitter over that sad little birthday party.
HuffPost reports that friendless religious zealot Kirk Cameron thinks that all of the Category 5 terror that has been destroying parts of the world is a sure sign that his deity is angry at all of us. It’s because, in his estimation, we’re all Satan-worshipping slut sinners! Jennifer Lawrence would disagree. She sort of blames Trump. Well, Kurt, I checked with God, and she says “yo, wassup?” (who doesn’t love Empire Records?) as well as requesting that we don’t judge her by “that fool from Growing Pains.” I think she means Kirk and not Leonardo Dicaprio.
Kirk Cameron Gives You Ladies A Really Good Reason For Why It’s Probably Not Fun Being Married To Kirk Cameron
In case you needed to be reminded that Kirk Cameron is a hardcore evangelical who considers the Bible his handbook on life (which is why he makes the sign of the cross at any poly-blend shirt he comes across and considers Moe Howard the closest thing we had to Satan), I am here to remind you that Kirk Cameron is a hardcore evangelical who considers the Bible his handbook on life!
On Kirk Cameron’s shelf of achievements, his Kids Choice Award and People’s Choice Awards are about to get some company. The 35th annual Golden Raspberry Awards were shat out last night and the majority voted Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas as the biggest dingle that clung to Hollywood’s dirty asshole hairs last year. Saving Christmas is not only known as the movie that makes Jesus cry and say to himself, “I blame myself for that shit show,” but it’s also now known as a multiple Razzie winner! As Leonardo DiCaprio dries his tears on a Victoria’s Secret model’s (or RiRi’s) vagina lips while stroking his imaginary Oscar statue tonight, Kirk Cameron will be polishing his brand new Razzies. At least someone in the Growing Pains cast is winning awards.
Saving Christmas won Worst Picture, Worst Actor, Worst Screenplay and Worst Screen Combo. Even though it won 4 awards, it didn’t even come close to snatching away Jack & Jill’s record of 10 wins. You’ll be Jack & Jill next time, Kirk. If anyone can find a way to be worse, it’s you. But still, Kirk should celebrate with a Subway sub!
He earned it!
After the cut are the rest of the winners. And after six nominations, Cameron Diaz was finally honored for her contribution to cinematic turds:
Ageless Romney Girl and FOX News contributor Stacey Dash, who was never drugged by Bill Cosby FYI, celebrated her 48th birthday on Tuesday and Instagrammed this picture from her big blowout. Judging by that picture alone, the only people who showed up to her party were the lone mariachi guy she hired and the assistant who took the picture. I guess her party’s theme was Forever Alone. In Stacey’s caption of her birthday picture, she wished herself a happy birthday and reminded everyone that’s it’s January with a hashtag:
Thank you Lord for another year Happy Birthday to me (and to everyone that shares 1/20 God Bless you) #happybirthday #staceydash #January
That picture looks like a still from the Twin Peaks reboot. This picture has all the ingredients for a beautiful work of art from the lone mariachi chilling under that archway to that tiara from Big Lots on Stacey’s head to that weird cake candelabra to the discount last call children’s birthday cake from Albertson’s. That cake looks like all the Care Bear diarrhea’d on it. If you replaced that mariachi guy with my mom, Stacey with me and that struggle cake with a He-Man cake, that picture would look like it was taken at my lonely ass 6th birthday party.
And I didn’t think it was possible, but Stacey Dash managed to snatch away the title of Loneliest Birthday Party Picture from Kirk Cameron.
A Birthday cake candelabra and a lone mariachi are the new Subway sandwich and sad lady hovering in the doorway.