Gabourey Sidibe Is Too Busy Being Fabulous To Care That You Hated Her Golden Globes Dress

When Gabourey Sidibe showed up to the Golden Globes last night wearing a dress that looks like the mice from Cinderella made it from one of the ugly stepsister’s unfinished vanilla milkshakes, internet haters everywhere instantly unhooked a velvet rope and let her cut to the front of the line for the VIP section of Club Worst Dressed. But Gabourey is Queenie from AHS: Coven, does not give a fuck about what you think, and took to Twitter to remind us:

Don’t take it personal, Gabby. You get to ride in a private jet and work at your dream job and get invited to the Golden Globes for – what is it – the third time? Meanwhile the haters are at home in our “good leggings” (the ones with holes in the crotch get a day off because company’s over) judging celebrities poor dress choices as we face the harsh reality that we just finished the last of the pineapple juice and will now have to mix our Malibu with Clamato, which makes us irrationally accuse the dog of eating the last of the Doritos while we took a bathroom break. So chill out.

Really though, Gabby should think about click-clack making some money by renting out that tweet to Jennifer Lawrence; she’s going to want it after Joan Rivers rips apart her just-sold-my-voice-for-human-legs dress on Fashion Police.

(Pic via Splash)

What In The Hell Kind Of GD Picture Is This?

Fancy fashion type and Harper’s Bazaar’s Global Fashion Director Carine Roitfeld styled and picked out women for her “Singular Beauties” spread, which was supposed to pay homage to the diversity of women. But the only thing I see it paying homage to is fuckery. Case in point: Gabourey Sidibe’s picture.

I don’t know if Gabourey is saying, “STOP IN THE NAME OF FOOLERY,” or if she’s just saying “Stop!“, but they should’ve definitely listened to her, because this picture should’ve never made it out of the camera and should’ve died by the hand of the delete button. I don’t even know what’s going on in that picture. It’s like the weirdest game of charades ever. Karl Lagerfeld shot all of the pictures in Carine’s spread, so now it all makes sense. Carine and Kunty Karl probably told Gabourey to show up dressed like a volunteer theater usher. Then they put a red leather jacket (aka the only thing they had in her size) on her and when that didn’t work, Kunty Karl sighed and screamed at his minions just to throw a curtain over her and be done with it. Kunty Karl wanted to get Gabourey out of his sight, because just like food, the living and happiness, fat people are his rivals. Getting Kunty Karl to photograph a fat person is like getting Paula Deen to cater a Black Panther luncheon. It’s not going to end well and it didn’t.

And here’s a few more of Harper’s “Singular Beauties” spread (click here to see them all). It really is paying homage to fuckery, because ScarJo made the cover of Harper’s Bazaar Australia and they declared her the “modern Marilyn.” Yes, they said that and they said it during the anniversary of Marilyn’s death! Harper’s really needs to switch dealers, because the stuff they’re snorting is the wrong stuff.

Here Comes The Prank

When Jimmy Kimmel marries his co-head writer Molly McNearney at the Ojai Valley Inn & Spa, every trick and tramp in Hollywood shows up. They all showed up. It looked like the drink line at the People’s Choice Awards. (I almost said the Golden Globes, but Johnny Knoxville was there and they’d never let his ass in.) Jennifer Aniston, Justin Theroux, Dax Shepard, Kristen Bell, Ellen Degeneres, Portia de Rossi, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner and Matt Damon all showed their faces, and Gabourey Sidibe made everyone’s rings get tight and feet swell when she strolled in looking like an exploding Cool Whip factory.

I’m guessing that Jimmy is putting some of his wedding on his show and that’s why the Big Bombshell of Brooklyn showed up in a wedding dress. So on the next Jimmy Kimmel Live, expect to see Gabourey bum rushing down the aisle and body slamming Molly. We’re all going to laugh while watching workers scrape off pieces of Molly that’s stuck between those stones in the ground. But really, I’m surprised that Ben Affleck didn’t crash the wedding in a white dress so Jimmy Kimmel would have a reason to sing an acoustic version of “I’m Fucking Ben Affleck” at the altar.

And I hope that on his show, Jimmy shows the part of his wedding where Molly threw the bouquet and Jennifer Aniston chinned every bitch to get to it.

Pics: Splash

QOTD: Joan Cusack’s Bitchy Advice To Gabourey Sidibe

Right after Mo’Nique tried to break Precious’ spirit by nearly hitting her on top of the head with a free falling TV, Joan Cusack tried to gently break Gabourey Sidibe’s Hollywood dreams by telling her the same shit Stephanie Yellowhair would tell me if I said I wanted to work the stroll: “You just don’t have the looks to work, bitch.” During a game of Plead the 5th on Watch What Happens Live last night, Andy Cohen asked Gaby what celebrity she was most disappointed by after meeting them (at the 1:14 mark in the video below) and this came out of her mouth:

“It’s not in a mean way because I know she meant well. I met Joan Cusack, who is my favorite, favorite, and she… I love her. It was before I became whatever and I was like at some industry party and she says, ‘Are you an actress?’ And I said, ‘Yeah.’ And she says, ‘Oh honey, you should really quit the business. It’s so image conscious.’ I think she really, really meant it in a good way… I think she really, really did, so no shade to her, but I was like, ‘Oh, but I love you, please don’t tell me to quit my job.'”

Joan is right. Hollywood usually only gets hard up for beauties, but if Joan’s ass is still getting work, then they must not be that image obsessed. I’m sure Joan meant in a “this business will turn you into an insecure heffa and before you know it you’ll be getting daytime chin lipo and an earlobe transplant to stay in the game” kind of way. Or Joan was just being an unfiltered bitch. I hope it’s the latter, because we really need more bitches at the bitch table.

First Bitch On The Carpet: Precious At The Golden Globes

Phoebe Price’s yellow cab must have dropped her off 8 blocks away and she’s freshening up her glamour in the bathroom of a Shell near the hotel, because Gabourey Sidibe beat her to the carpet first! PP’s seat filler manager is going to dock her a drink ticket for this! But BAM! Precious was one of the first beauties to roll up the red carpet with her friend at the Golden Globes tonight. Precious’s eyebrows ate some of her bangs and that dress probably looked better sprawled out on Mrs. Roper’s California King bed, but she’s still posing as if her Spanx aren’t slowly crushing her internal organs. Get it, Precious! And Gabourey should really put her friend on unicorn watch, because her dress has so many pink sparkles on it that there’s a really good chance Mariah Carey is going to try to scoot on it.

Angus Young Has Never Looked Hotter

The Crystal Enchantress of the Ice Johnny Weir hung up his polar bear stole and his boa made from bedazzled swan feathers for the night to slip into a Hogwarts uniform that puts the HUFF and PUFF in Hufflepuff. Harry Potter’s wand will not stop spitting out the glitter once it gets a piece of this. Pee Weir Herman cast a bretha mortis spell (aka the killing these hos spell) at last night’s NYC premiere of Harry Potter and the Deathly Swallows, and then he gave them life again by popping a hip to pose. Everyone was slytherin’ in their pants.

And those who had to clean their mess in the bathroom after laying their eyes on Johnny were: Rupert Grint, Emma Watson, DanRad, Matthew Broderick with his son and Voldemort’s mistress, Joey Fatone with his daughter, Precious, Tom Felton, Ralph Fineass, Liam Neeson, The First Drunk of New York, Lourdes Leon and Darren Criss.