Category: Balloon Boy

David Blaine Successfully Completed His Balloon Stunt

September 2, 2020 / Posted by:

Wow, that son of a bitch did it! He really did it! David Blaine grabbed onto 52 big-ass balloons and floated way up into the sky, where he was immediately pecked to death by eagles, then decapitated by a helicopter’s whirly blades, after which his headless corpse fell directly into an open volcano. RIP Magic Man. End of Post. OK, OK, it wasn’t that dramatic. David lived. He went up, floated around a bit, then parachuted back down safely. Success! Magic! Balloons! And I’m sure a future lawsuit from Balloon Boy’s dadContinue reading


The Balloon Boy Dad Still Wants You To Think That He Wasn’t The Mastermind Of A Hoax

October 30, 2019 / Posted by:

It’s been a minute since we’ve heard from Balloon Dad, the fame whore father who pretended that 6-year-old son was in a homemade balloon contraption that floated through the sky in Colorado. We all watched it live on television to see if we were going to witness the world’s first homemade floating balloon catastrophe. It was a wild afternoon in American history. It was like a dumb version of watching The Challenger. And it turned out it be even more dumb because the Balloon Boy was hiding the attic the entire time, and it was just some family’s desperate prank to stretch out their Wife Swap fame.

So 10 years later, Balloon Dad, Richard Heene, is back, baby! And while on Good Morning America, he said that he wants everyone to know that the Balloon Boy incident was, in fact, not a hoax. Ummm. Excuse me, Richard, but what about the time your son said on national television that they did it for show, or when your wife came clean about it being a hoax?!

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So What The Hell Happened To Kristen Stewart?

February 25, 2013 / Posted by:

Kristen Stewart hobbled into the Oscars on crutches last night and when she presented with Daniel Radcliffe, she limped and twitched like a strung out pimp suffering from severe diarrhea. KStew looked like her publicist peeled her off the bathroom floor, quickly sprayed her down with a hose, threw clothes on her body and pushed her out the door (basically, she looked like a hungover me trying to keep down the barfs while buying a breakfast burrito at Jack In The Box on a Saturday morning).

KStew looked like a visual dry heave, she acted like the Oscars were the last place she wanted to be and I think she left loogie pieces on the mic when she hacked and grunted into it. So some hos were wondering what in alley cat hell happened to her? Did Liberty Ross Nancy Kerrigan her in the knee? Is she trying really hard to get a role on The Walking Dead? Well, UsWeekly has the answer.

A source says that right before she presented, KStew ran into Anne Hathaway backstage and they had a moment that went like this:

Anne – Oh no!

KStew – I know, I’m an idiot. But congratulations!

Anne – Please tell me you’re going on stage with those crutches.

KStew – Nope. I’m gonna hobble.

Anne –  Well, break a leg. Oops!

KStew – I just hope the wound doesn’t open up right now.

End scene.

The source added that KStew told Anne that she cut her foot open when she accidentally stepped on glass.

I guess KStew learned the hard way that you should always put on a pair of sturdy house shoes before you walk around the crack house, because you never know when some rude and uncouth crackhead is going to leave their broken pipe on the floor. Some crackheads are such slobs. This is a lesson we must all learn.

And I also threw in some pictures of Liberty Ross’ nipples at last night’s Vanity Fair party, because why not.

Oh, It’s Just Harry Potter And Don Draper In A Tub Together

November 1, 2012 / Posted by:

It’s SO true that from our 20s to our 40s, most of us will grow 10 inches taller and completely change in the face. So that’s why it makes sense that Daniel Radcliffe and Jon Hamm are playing the younger and older version of the same character in A Young Doctor’s Notebook, a mini-series that will air on Britain’s Sky Arts in December. Just from looking at the pictures of Jon Hamm, this mini-series looks like it’s about a man who gets addicted to the wrong kind of meth, gets involuntarily locked up in a methadone clinic for years and escapes wearing only his clinic gown and a swollen pair of junkie bags under his eyes. But that’s not what it’s about. The Daily Mail has the plot:

The semi-autobiographical series tells of his experiences as a young doctor working in the small village of Muryovo at the beginning of the Russian Revolution in 1917. Jon Hamm plays the older doctor, who experiences a series of comical exchanges with his younger self, played by Daniel Radcliffe. The Doctor looks back on his life and career by looking through his notebooks, as he tries to treat the patients of a village that is struggling to enter the modern age.

My eyes scanned that paragraph several times and nowhere in there did I see the sentence, “And then they make out with tongues in a tub.” What good is putting DanRad and Jon Hamm in a tub together if they don’t touch tongues? Screw this movie. I’m not going to watch that shit. Instead, I’m going to look at that picture and imagine DanRad’s peen and Jon Hamm’s peen in an underwater staring contest. (SPOILER ALERT: DanRad’s peen will lose when Jon’s gigantic Hamm log eats it.)


April 29, 2012 / Posted by:

Don’t you just hate it when you mistake a salt shaker for a coke shaker (see: picture of LiLo above)?

As expected, Fox News kept up their reputation as the hardest working fuckery makers in the game by bringing a triple dose of fame whore to last night’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner at the Hilton in DC. Lindsay Lohan came as a guest of Fox’s Greta van Susteren, and Kim Kuntrashian and Pimp Mama Kris came as guests of Fox’s affiliate in the 9th circle of Hell. LiLo actually bathed with soap for the occasion and covered her freckled carcass with the discount Windsor Fashions dress you wore to your prom in 1989. Even though that cheap ass dress looks like it was made with doggy poop bags, it was perfect for the occasion. It showcased her saggy wrinkly side tit and its skirt completely covered up the bags that were strapped to her thighs to hold all the silverware, jooree and centerpieces she stole from the event. “What did I do with my diamond bracelet?” is definitely the most used sentence in DC this morning.

As for Kim and PMK, they dressed up as Whore Kristmas. Kim wore a velvet dress that’s the exact shade of the fumes that billow out of her cooze hole after she bumps wet parts with Kanye.  Pimp Mama Kris wore her creator’s favorite color and it looked like a dynamite stick stuffed with foundation blew up in her face right before she walked through a wind tunnel. Not only is bitch’s face pulled, but so is her hair. Pimp Mama Kris’ hair was standing straight up like it was reaching for God to help it.

I couldn’t find any pictures of Kim and LiLo together, but I’m assuming there will be some later after pictures from the Secret Service’s after-party held at the Super 8 in Virginia come out. In the meantime, here’s some pictures from last night. In order: LiLo, Rick Santorum (getting a quick buzz from breathing in the coke dust cloud that surrounds LiLo), Kim with PMK, Mary J. Blige with her husband Kendu Isaacs, DanRad with Ronan Farrow, Charlize Theron, Kate Hudson, Claire Danes, Sookeh with Beehl, Goldie Hawn, Rosario Dawson with a pair of plastic baby heads, Dakota Fanning, Ginnifer Goodwin (after a bedskirt bukkake session), Eva Longoria, Zooey Deschanel, Swizz Beak with Alicia Keys, Martha Stewart, Viola Davis with her husband Julius Tennon and Oprah’s handmaiden.

Harry Potter Prefers A Hairy Twatter

January 31, 2012 / Posted by:

Doesn’t it seem like just yesterday the media was asking a young Daniel Radcliffe what kind of Legos he likes to play with (or whatever) and now the media is asking him about how he likes his coochie. They grow up so fast. DanRad and Heat Magazine (via Entertainmentwise) were talking about how he let his Jewish peen bush be great in Equus and that somehow led to him confessing that if he’s not pulling pubes off his tongue, he’s not messing with it:

“This is way too much information, but I don’t like girls with nothing down there either. It freaks me out. You have to have something, otherwise it’s fucking creepy,”

And now we know that DanRad has licked on a hairless skin mitten and it was creepy to his ass because it was like sucking on a hairless armadillo’s armpit or giving a raspberry to a plate of dried mangos. THANKS, Harry Potter. But I’m with him. Genital shrubs are there for a reason. It gives you something to look at while you’re down there and it sometimes protects your nose. What if you’re really getting into it and you accidentally scrape your nose on their crotch stubble. It can happen! A good day would be not having to explain to people that the scratch on your nose is from rubbing up against the stubble patch on your piece’s crotch.

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