Moving is hell, everybody knows this. First, you have to look closely at all your shitty shit and chide yourself for having so much shitty shit. Then you have to go steal boxes from the dumpster outside of Safeway and pack all your shit up under the cover of night, load it into a van and pray that the sketchy dude you found on Craigslist to help isn’t a serial killer or a narc. So I can understand why Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton, who according to Us Weekly, are stressed about their “nightmare” move into the newly renovated $13.2 million mansion they bought in May.
In #theseuncertaintimes, in between bouts of obsessing over worst case scenarios, I sometimes find myself looking for silver linings, as a treat. Like sometimes I’ll imagine that the complete and utter collapse of society as we know it, will result in a reset of such proportions, that the Kardashian-West’s will one day find themselves penniless/follower-less (same diff), living huddled up together in one of Kanye’s space tents, breathing each others farts, because their mausoleum has been commandeered by President Jenifer Lewis (my fantasy, my president) and converted into a hospital. Should that come to pass, never again would we have to hear Kanye West’s ass talk about how much he loves Donald Trump despite the terrible discrimination he faces for doing so. Sadly, we’re not quite there yet.
Whatever Camille Cosby had envisioned for her golden years, it certainly wasn’t making weekly visits to the pokey to sit in an overly-lit room that smells of ammonia and fried bologna to visit her jailbird husband, but that is where we are. ABC 6 reports that Bill Cosby’s got fewer options than a new pilot starring Roseanne Barr called What’s The Big Deal? co-starring Dustin Diamond as Squawk, her Ambien induced hallucination. America’s judge, Justice Steven O’Neill, ruled against Bill’s most recent request for a new trial or sentencing hearing on Tuesday. And Camille has made it known she thinks it’s a travesty of justice!
Priyanka Chopra is a terrible actress. However, she’s one of Hollywood’s new “It Girls” and just like most beautiful people, her looks will always get her a pass. Take for instance, her music (strike one). It’s not necessarily groundbreaking or even easy to listen to, but LOOK AT HER!!! Sultry glares into the camera, hair blowing in the wind, magical dance numbers and she has a song with Pitbull (aka Miami’s favorite club promoting uncle pimp).
The nominations for the 2017 Golden Globes were announced yesterday. Of course, some television shows, movies, actors, and actresses didn’t make the list, and that’s bound to make some people mad. 50 Cent, for example, is really pissed off that Power, the Starz show he executive produces and co-stars on, was left out of the category for Best Television Series, Drama. Some people get their anger out by screaming into a pillow. 50 Cent’s pillow is Instagram, and so he threw his tantrum there.
Stephenie Meyer Is Never Finishing That “Twilight” Spinoff Book And “Fifty Shades Of Grey” Is To Blame
After the Twilight series made Stephenie Meyer a millionaire many times over, she tried to squeeze more coins out of that shit by writing a spin-off book titled Midnight Sun. The spinoff book re-tells the first Twilight book from Edward Cullen’s point of view instead of from the point of view of that dead-eyed Bella trick. Stephenie stopped writing Midnight Sun in 2008 when it was mysteriously leaked onto the Internet. She responded to the leak by releasing 12 unfinished chapters and said that she’ll finish the rest once everyone forgets about it. But now Midnight Sun will never rise (don’t worry, I hate myself for writing that too) and it’s all E.L. James’ fault!
Earlier this week, Stephenie Meyer farted up the news that she had re-written Twilight but gave Bella a peen and Edward a vampire vagina. She gender-swapped them. The Twihards rolled their eyes at that mess, because that’s not the Twilight book they’ve been waiting for. They want Midnight Sun for some reason. According to Stephenie, that’s never going to happen.
At New York Comic-Con, Stephenie told the room full of Twihards that after she finished the gender-swapped Twilight, she started working on Midnight Sun again. But the next day, she found out that she had been Single White Female’d once again by that copycat bitch E.L. James when it was announced that Grey was coming out. Grey is Fifty Shades of Shit as told from Christian Grey’s perspective. E.L. James’ snatched Stephenie’s idea and put it out first. via Entertainment Weekly
“Midnight Sun is kind of cursed,” she reportedly told the crowd. When 12 unfinished chapters of Midnight Sun leaked in 2008, Meyer said she was upset and put the project on hold. She said at the Comic-Con panel that she recently wrote a bit more from Edward’s perspective. “What do you think was the top story on Yahoo the next morning?” she asked the crowd. “Grey.”
“It was a literal flip the table moment for me,” Meyer reportedly said. The book is still on hold.
A literal table flip? I can imagine all sorts of bizarre things, but I can’t imagine Stephenie Meyer doing this:
And there’s really only one way to settle this. They must fight to the death! Actually, no, that’s not a good idea. Because once they get into a room together, they made decide that their evil powers will strengthen if they join forces and that will lead to them shitting out a mash-up book called Fifty Shades of Twilight.