And Now I Have The Mental Image Of Jennifer Lawrence And Robert De Niro Scissoring

The GLAAD Media Awards were on Saturday, and as you can see, Robert De Niro got to take home an award. For those of you wondering “Does the G in GLAAD stand for geriatric straights?“, they were actually recognizing Robert De Niro with the Excellence in Media Award for a documentary he produced about his father, Robert De Niro Sr. (who was gay) called Remembering the Artist. De Niro got to pick who presented him with his award, so he picked America’s cool best friend from summer camp Jennifer Lawrence. I guess Jinx the Cat was busy?

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The Official Trailer For “American Crime Story” Is Here

FX’s promo schedule for Ryan Murphy’s latest camp extravaganza American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson has felt as long as that white Bronco chase on the freeway. For weeks, they’ve released teaser trailers and promo pictures, and today they finally put out the official trailer and it looks like it’s going to be a beautiful disaster. It’s pretty much looks like O.J. Simpson: The Telenovela.

The trailer has John Travolta looking like a barbecued Raisinet as Robert Shapiro, Cheryl Ladd delivering a world-class eyebrow situation as Robert Shapiro’s wife, Sarah Paulson doing her signature Sarah Paulson cry with two brown mops on her head, Cuba Gooding Jr. sounding like he needs four bags of throat lozenges, Selma Blair gossiping at Nicole Brown’s funeral as Pimp Mama Kris and David Schwimmer bawling in a car as Robert Kardashian. (He’s probably bawling in the car because he realizes he’s defending a demon and is married to a demon too). And there’s also Connie Britton as the morally corrupt Faye Resnick:

That’s pretty much just Connie Britton wearing a lipstick color that only existed in the 90s, but I’ll take it.

And I wonder who is playing the pivotal role of the jury forewoman who fucked up Orenthal James Simpson’s name while reading the verdict? Every time I see the name “O.J. Simpson,” I always read it as, “Orenjal James Simpson.“

Kristen Stewart Was Her Usual Gracious And Welcoming Self At The ‘American Ultra’ Premiere

Tami Taylor’s like I’m just going to keep smiling and being beautiful and get away from her sullen ass as quickly as possible. That headline is a fallacy. Kristen Stewart actually SMILES in some of these pics. I think dating a woman (GOOGLE IT) has brought something out in her. Vagina is uplifting, soothing, and centering. Or so I’ve heard.

Here’s a mass of pics from the American Ultra premiere last night at the Ace Theater in LA. Jesse Eisenberg plays a government killing machine who’s been brainwashed to believe he’s a stoner convenience store clerk. The Funyons fly when he snaps out of it. KStew plays his girl. That must have been a fun set for co-star Connie Britton. Neither of those leads seem like the kind of people with whom you can joke around. Eisenberg seems like he’d be constantly concerned about his wig placement and always on the phone with his therapist.

You’ll also note that Stewart’s OTHER dude from Twilight, Taylor Lautner, was there. The male TayTay is looking slightly less pristine than usual. It’s possible he’s experiencing career misery. His next role is in Adam Sandler’s next pile of shit. That’s the movie that’s still in the production stages and has already offended Native Americans and Rose McGowan. That sort of gig probably sucks the Sean Cody right out of a guy’s look.

Check out the gallery below for more pics of Kristen and Connie Britton, as well as pics of Eisenberg, Lautner, Ashley Hinshaw, Topher Grace, someone named Johnny Deluca who I only included because he’s kind of cute and I’m shallow, Jason Ritter, John Leguizamo (and his kids), Rachel Roy, Tony Hale, Max Landis (who is obviously feeling ignored because he’s the screenwriter), and Into The Woods actor Billy Magnussen who is normally smokin’ hot but here looks like he’s done too much nitrous.

Pics: FayesVision/WENN.com

Luther The Anger Translator Made An Appearance At The WHCD Last Night

We already know the theme of this year’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner was straight-up hotness, thanks to living boner maker Jane Fonda, but just in case we needed a reminder, President Obama brought out one of the hottest characters from Key & Peele, Luther the Anger Translator. If you’ve never seen Key & Peele and have no idea what I’m talking about, Luther (played by Keegan-Michael Key) is President Obama’s anger translator and it’s his job to translate what President Obama says into yelling and rage-eyes. It’s basically the long-lost son of Coach Hines and an eight ball mixed with the before stock image from a high blood pressure pamphlet at CVS.

I wish ‘anger translator’ were an actual job, because I can think of about 12 real-life uses for one. Like every time I try to return something at Sephora and they keep pressing me for a reason. It would be real handy to have someone behind me yelling “IT GAVE ME A RASH IN A PLACE I CAN’T SHOW YOU! THERE, YOU HAPPY NOW?!”

I didn’t watch the whole WHCD because I had better things to do, ie. re-watching Super High Me and eating a box of Goo Goo Clusters, but I did catch some of it, like host Cecily Strong’s joke about Joe Biden giving a good shoulder massage (“Or as I call ’em, upstairs hand jobs. Wink!” whispered Joe Biden to whatever woman was sitting closest to him). I also saw a bit of Obama’s speech, and I guess so did Roseanne, because she pulled a Luther and went on a Twitter rant accusing him of stealing her jokes.

Here’s a bunch of the fancy-dressed famous types at the WHCD last night, including a very knocked-up, very Kardashian-in-the-face Naya Rivera, Chrissy Teigen looking like a sexy model at a goth car show, plastic feline-faced goddess Melania Trump and her partially-decomposing Christmas clementine of a husband, and Laverne Cox – as always – doing Beyonce better than Beyonce.

Pics: Splash

Things That Don’t Make Sense: Connie Britton Will Play “The Morally Corrupt” Faye Resnick

If I was casting the role of Nicole Brown Simpson’s fame whore friend Faye Resnick, my list of possibilities would look like this:

1. Jessica Lange since she can do it all.

2. Kato Kaelin in bad drag.

3. A badly sculpted clay figurine of Jocelyn Wildenstein.

4. Ron Perlman as his Beauty and the Beast character.

5. A pristine dew drop on the petal of a daisy right after spring’s first rain.

The last person I’d ever think of would be Connie Britton, but that’s exactly who’s playing Faye Resnick in Ryan Murphy’s FX miniseries American Crime Story: The People vs. O.J. Simpson. Ryan Murphy tweeted the news today. There’s not enough HUHs in the world.

Faye Resnick was Nicole Brown Simpson’s friend and stayed at her condo until 4 days before she and Ron Goldman were murdered. Faye moved out and checked herself into rehab for an addiction to Lohan powder. O.J. Simpson’s defense team burped up a theory about how Nicole and Ron were murdered by drug dealers who were looking for revenge after Faye failed to pay them the money she owed. Fame Whore Faye helped write two books about the Simpson murder trial. Faye also posed with her nipples out in Playboy a couple of years after the trial. She nows works as an interior decorator and sometimes pops up on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills as Kyle Richards’ plasticized guard dog.

Connie (that’s Rayna from Nashville to me and Tami Taylor to those of you hos who watched Friday Night Lights) was in the first season of American Horror Story.

So far American Crime Story stars Cuba Gooding Jr. as O.J. Simpson, Ross from Friends as Robert Kardashian, Sarah Paulson as Marcia Cross, John Travolta as Robert Shaprio and Courtney B. Vance as Johnnie Cochran.

This is the strangest cast and I love it. It has all the makings of a camp classic. Seeing a de-wigged John Travolta grill Connie Britton as she’s covered in forty layers of lead-based paint and lip liner for days is going to be the new meaning of life. Let’s just hope that Ryan Murphy keeps the inspired casting coming by hiring Richard Kline to play Pimp Mama Kris.

Here’s the morally corrupt Faye Resnick (copyright: Camille Grammer) with Camille and Kyle Richards at some event in Las Vegas on Friday night.

Pics: Wenn.com

What In The Name Of Down Under Wedding Day Foreplay Is Going On Here?

The Ghost of Lady Cassandra Future Nicole Kidman and her gorgeous middle-aged soccer mom-looking husband Keith Urban went to the CMAs last night, and for some reason this happened. No, I don’t know the circumstances surrounding Nicole trying to mount Keith from the back like a horny fawn-colored greyhound, and quite frankly – I don’t want to know. Instead, let’s assume she’s not actually trying to hump on her husband, but hiding behind him from the ghost of the haunted antique doll she stole that dress off of. Haunted attic-dwelling dolls don’t like it when you jack their shit, Nicole!

I know she’s going for some Little House on the Prairie Rachel Brown getting married shit, but it ends up looking more like stand-offish Oscar-winning Hollywood actress wearing a $2,000 nightgown. It’s like when I put on a blazer; I think I’m all business bitch chic, but everyone around me is like “Bitch you look like Cathy, yes from the comic strip“. Same goes for Nicole; I mean, lord love her, she’s trying, and it could always be worse; at least she’s not wearing a busted straw cowboy hat, right?

Unfortunately, Nicole didn’t get the memo that nobody else was doing county curtain couture this year. It was all head-to-toe David’s Bridal: Longer! Shinier! More Satin-y! Where’s the rhinestone-studded belt buckle worn as a choker? Where’s all the bedazzled crotch cut-offs? Come on guys, I thought you were country! Here’s more of Nicole and everyone else at the CMAs, including the usual, like Faith Hill and Tim McGraw, a knocked-up Carried Underwood, and my personal lord and savior Tami Taylor (HEY Y’ALL!):

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com