Hard to believe but after all the wild shit Ezra Miller has been accused of over the past two years, including but not limited to assault, harassment, grooming children, supplying a child with alcohol and LSD, brainwashing said child, disorderly conduct, sexual abuse, terrible performance art, improperly stored weapons, starting a cult, burglary, larceny and countless crimes against fashion, the only penalty Ezra has faced so far has been having to pay a $500 fine (plus $30 in court costs) after they pleaded “no contest” to the assault charge they picked up in Hawaii. But Deadline reports that Ezra can add a “not guilty” plea to their impressive criminal resume.
Jussie Smollett Got 150 Days In Jail And 30 Months Felony Probation For Lying To Police About Being Attacked In A Hate Crime
Our long national nightmare is over! Well, it was more like a long national fever dream involving greased-up twin bodybuilders and a laughably unbelievable serial killer style ransom type note complete with a childish crying stick figure with a noose around its neck. We didn’t even have COVID dreams this wild! Today, Jussie Smollett was sentenced for lying to the cops about being attacked in a hate crime in 2019. Jussie was facing up to 3 years in the clink, but Cook County Judge James Linn decided on 150 days in the clink instead.
Jussie Smollett, better known as The Boy Who Cried MAGA, is in court today standing trial on six charges of felony disorderly conduct stemming from his January 2019 report that he’d been the victim of a hate crime. Jussie was initially charged with 16 felony counts when it was discovered his story was fishier than a Subway tuna fish sandwich. Sorry, bad example! Fishier than a Subway Baja Chicken and Bacon sandwich, which is actually the only thing on their menu that contains actual tuna! At least that’s what Jussie told me. But those previous charges were dropped by Kim Foxx at the Cook County State’s Attorney’s Office, which seemed even fishier still, prompting outrage and a special investigation into the matter. So now, charges are back on the table and at trial we might finally learn the TRUTH that has been eluding us for almost three years — What is Jussie’s go to Subway order? Is it fake tuna or phony baloney?
The MacDowell crime family are as ruthless and sinister as they are bumbling and inept. On Friday, Andie MacDowell and her two notorious daughters, Margaret and Rainey Qualley, set out to bring the population of Los Angeles to its knees by flouting quarantine and sneaking into a park to walk their hellhounds, Ava Gardner and Books. The MacDowells were, of course, caught red-handed when they were photographed by Page Six leaving the scene of the crime, the Audubon Center in Debs Park. The images of the MacDowells scooting on their butts under a locked gate, wearing white pants and shirts, Andie is an oversized straw hat, would almost be comical if their crimes weren’t so heinous. As it stands, we should all just be thankful that the only victim (THIS TIME!) was the law. Well, not the “law” exactly, but a hastily printed sign taped to a gate that reads “Park Closed Until April 30. Sorry for the inconvenience.” If it’s any consolation, a subsequent attempt to cover up the crime, blew up in Andie’s face.
The next installment of Ryan Murphy’s American Crime Story is all about the impeachment of Bill Clinton, and we learned last year that Beanie Feldstein will play Monica Lewinsky, Annaleigh Ashford is Paula Jones, Sarah Paulson is Linda Tripp, and Clive Owen is William Jefferson “Slick Willie” Clinton. Deadline is giving us one more name to add to that list, and it’s prolific street yeller Billy Eichner, who has landed the role of Matt Drudge, the first person to publish the news of the Lewinsky scandal.
There’s been a Tiny heist. Well, heist maybe isn’t the right word to describe what happened to Tameka “Tiny” Harris’ bag of jewels which were allegedly snatched from the console of her parked Lamborghini. Heist implies planning, laser beams, catsuits, synchronized watches, and maybe some sort of thematically appropriate rubber masks. According to WSB 2 News in Atlanta, $750,000 worth of jewels practically walked away by themselves while Tiny was having drinks with a friend.