And The Emmy For Best Comedic Performance By A Midriff Goes To…

Trying to prove that the stick that’s permanently shoved up her ass is actually a funny bone, Fishsticks Paltrow showed up to the Emmys last night in a hilarious dress that got more laughs than the shit was on Charlie Sheen’s head. When she was talking to Ryan Gaycrest on the red carpet, I thought his peen was going to crawl up into his stomach so he could barf it out when he said that her Pucci dress was so sheer that we all faced the threat of seeing her cucci. Bitch’s sense of reality is as fried as her hair if she thinks this shit looked sexy. GOOP looked like she was wearing a dildo cozy made of funeral doilies and grandma’s old panties complete with Metamucil-induced skid marks.

Fishy is as skinny as a tampon string, but that dress made her look like she’s serving up organic caca souffle. But I’m sure that a mere mortal will soon write an essay in The Morton Report about how they were choking on a chicken wing at an Emmy party when the sight of Fishy’s stomach made them dry heave it out and SAVED THEIR LIFE! Fishy saves lives even when she looks like cold vanilla shit wrapped in memaw’s table runner. Move on…

Here’s a small gallery of more hos from last night along with my one-second comments. In order:

Paula Abdul who I’m assuming is wearing a sash made of bedazzled Vicodin pills for easy access.

Claire Danes who needs some fucking Latisse for her limp ass hair.

The Ginger Keeper of the Magnificent Chichis whose husband was obviously Mother Theresa in a past life.

Stepford Katie whose jooree box was obviously raided by Suri Cruise and Tommy Girl.

Heidi Klum whose coochie looks like its foaming at the mouth. Cujo coohie!

TWO CROSS-EYED GLAMOUR GODDESSES!

Jenna Aushwitz (I forget how to spell her last name and don’t make me Google on a Monday
morning) who is wearing a reworked version of Brenda and Kelly’s prom dress.

Sofia Vergara whose teeth scare me.

Jon Hamm with Jennifer Westfeldt whose face is starting to look like it’s made of non-biodegradable materials. And I don’t know if Jennifer’s sticking out her stomach in that second picture or if her ovaries are orgasming from touching her piece (probably the latter).

Kristen Wiig whose nostrils must’ve had a case of the shies last night.

Evan Rachel Wood who at first I thought was Austin Scarlett in drag and got really disappointed when I learned the truth.

Peter Dinklage who made my nipple holes squeeee when he picked up that big Emmy and spoke at that tiny microphone.

Julianne Marguiles who should throw those clear aquarium rocks at whoever told her to wear that busted dress.

Olivia Munn who needs to have a seat and stop.

Jim Parsons who needs to spend less time dipping his face in a bowl of foundation and more time manicuring those brows.

Kate Winslet who is there.

And finally, Melissa McCarthy, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!!!!

Christina Hendricks’ Magnificent Chichis Keep On Giving

To remind those skinny simpleton hos (see: SJP, Olivia Munn, Jordin Sparks, the boy version of The Shining Twins, etc…) that nothing dims their shine like her megawatt titties, Christina Hendricks employed a trio of midgets with step stools to push up her massive mammary mounds up to the lord’s nose and into a dress made of carbon thread so that she could shimmy shimmy coco puff on the red carpet at last night’s NYC premiere of I Don’t Know How She Does It (said every training bra tramp when staring at the duo of back breakers on Christina’s chest).

You know, Christina’s titty game never gets old to me. Never. Every time my eyeballs jump across them I see something new. Sometimes I see two Swedish bossy bottoms doing ass to ass with a double-sided dildo and this time I see a double-amputee CoCo trying to 69 with Christina. She’s got the Rorschach test of tits!

Even Matthew Broderick doesn’t know what to do with himself since all of the oxygen is being sucked up by Christina’s nipples and he can feel THEM CHICHIS closing in on his face. It’s like he’s trying to sing showtunes in his head to keep himself from falling into a full-on chichis-induced breakdown. “Cliiiimb ev’reeeeee mountain – Oh, shit I can’t do that one. The hiiiiiiills are aaaaaahlive – Fuck, not that one either. Beeeeeaaaaauty and the breeeeeeeeeassssts – SHIT!” It’s okay, Matthew, just think of them as two Swedish bossy bottoms doing ass to ass and everything will be alright.

Here’s more hos who tried to outshine Christina’s magnificent chichis last night but failed. In order: Olivia Munn, Greg Kinnear, Jordin Sparks, SJP, Matthew Broderick, twin toddlers in fucking satin and JACKIE COLLINS!

NO SUIT FOR YOU!!

The lovely and top heavy ginge known as Christina Hendricks should officially change her name to OCHO CHICHI and slap that shit on the back of her Hall of Famewhoring jersey!! Lucky Magazine reports (via Popeater), that she can’t walk in to a Wal-Mart like a normal ho and find a bathing suit that will fit her full figured ass.

She tells Lucky, “It’s really hard to find a bathing suit if you have breasts, you either get smooshed down or there’s no support.” The Queen of chichis just burped out a SALINE PLEASE!!! Bitch yammered on that her and her husband have “sketched out designs“.

To all the women out there that “have breasts” who have been soaking in solitude in their bathtubs while crying tears of leche from the 3rd degree burns they received from their cheesy ass sun lamp because they can’t find a swimsuit to wear in public, FEAR NOT, Christina feels your pain (not really)! I guess shit has changed from back when she didn’t have breasts!

Michelle Duggar Is Officially A Beauty Inspiration

The other day I pleaded with the women of the world to open their own Michelle Duggar beauty franchise on top of their heads by reaching for the pink sponge curlers, the jumbo iron, a tub of Queen Helene hair gel and any can of hairspray with a toxic warning label on it. The reigning first lady of Broadway and Corky’s mom Patti LuPone heard my pleas (or she’s way ahead of all of us and planned this looks weeks ago) and walked the red carpet at last night’s NYC screening of Company with her face framed with a flowing stream of luscious perfection.

Ms. LuPone’s version is a little more demure and softer than Michelle’s. It’s like a gentle whisper of Michelle Duggar’s exquisite mane, but she’s on the right track. Next time, Ms. LuPone should dip her head in a bowl of gel as soon as she gets out of the shower and scrunch her curls in front of a heating vent until her hair starts to sound like a ho sitting on a bag of corn chips. Then she should keep the curling iron on her bangs until the smoke wafting from them sets off the alarm and the fire department shows up. That’s how you know you’re on the right side of beauty.

And with that, I can finally say that the Michelle Duggar hair revolution has officially begun!

Here’s Patti’s head carrying the flaming torch of glamour last night with Neil Patrick Harris, Christina Hendricks, Anika Noni Rose and the rest of the cast.

Tommy Rises Above Elle!

What you’re looking at is Tommy Girl’s forehead vein throbbing like John Travolta’s b-hole at a sauna party, because it’s holding all the tension from him standing on top of his tippity tippity toes while he grits his teeth in a way that screams “takethepicturetakethepicturetakethepicture.” The pain and stress was worth with it, because now we have this beautiful picture of Tommy rising above Elle Fanning at the Super 8 premiere in Los Angeles last night.

A Cheryl Cole-like blowout from his stylist and humming “I’m a big kid now” while slipping on a pair of fuck me boots were also important ingredients in taking Tommy up, up and away last night.

Tommy was filled with so much big boy confidence from being a tad bit taller than Elle that he wasn’t even embarrassed when Pete Wentz had to big him a boost up to the adult urinal since the little boy’s one was out of order. You go, TG!

Here’s a bunch of pictures of the people who were excused by Tommy’s beauty at last night’s premiere. In oooorder: TG, Elle, Conan with his wife, Steven Spielberg with Kate Capshaw, Pete Wentz, Jorge Garcia, Jim Caviezel and Jenna Elfman with her own pocket-sized crazy.

Andre Leon Talley Leads The Fuckery Parade At The MET Gala

Andre Leon Talley is the most influential person in the fashion world (as Tyra Banks tells us every single week on America’s Next Top Model) and he really didn’t disappoint at last night’s MET Costume Gala last night when he floated onto the red carpet like the ethereal gay dream version of some University’s mascot. You can tell that when his farts billow through that gown, they smell like blueberries dipped in melted grape chapstick. When ALT is done with that old gown, he can donate it to the entire graduating class (EVERY SCHOOL) of 2011! There’s room in there for all of them.

The Vixen of Vogue wasn’t the only trick who served scalding hot fuckery on a plate of fuckery last night. There were others who made it their night’s goal to summon a wave of WTF faces from the photographers. They would not let ALT be the only one. No, they would not!

Wednesday Addams snatched this shit from the rack marked “Morticia’s freakum dresses” in The Addams Family costume closet many years ago and she’s been waiting for the day to wear it.

Kate Hudson’s dress is pretty normal, but that crap on her head looks like a rhinestone sea urchin that crawled out of Andre Leon’s Talley’s glitter hole and found a new home on her hair.

Miranda Kerr’s mess of a dress is like Lara Flynn Boyle’s balleriNO look meets the White Swan meets Mimi’s slutty bridal gown costume.

Ashley Olsen brings us the news that Brenda Walsh’s prom dress moved to Switzerland and got a morning job as a milk maid.

Christina Hendricks… Christina Hendricks… Christina Hendricks… I’m just going to focus on the beautiful pair of sunrise chichis and then move right along before I get rust poisoning.

A slew of ICANTS go to Fuggie Fug, Freida Pinto, Kristen Stewart, Marc Jacobs, Robert Duffy and Serena Williams (who thinks she’s at a HoJo’s Royal Wedding party).

Lastly, I can’t say one mean thing about Basement Baby’s look. Beyonce accidentally left a bag of Cost Plus impulse buys in front of the basement door and Solange made a DRESS out of them. Not a dress, but a DRESS! No comment on the make-up which makes her look like a constipated lady bug.