Category: Bitch Your Pancakes Look Fine To Me
Open Post: Hosted By IHOP Pulling Another Name Changing Stunt
IHOP must really love disappointing people and also (weirdly) Puff Daddy because it’s taking a page from P-Diddy’s change-your–name-for-no-reason book. IHOP tried this stunt before before by changing the P in IHOP to a B to promote the new line of burgers that nobody going to the International House of Fucking Pancakes would ever order. They were never serious with that stupid IHOB shit. But they’re back at it. April was National Recycling Month, but IHOP must be celebrating it a month later, because they’re recycling the same tired name changing stunt.
Marilyn Manson Got Punched In The Face At A Denny’s In Canada
An almost 8-minute-long video of panda porn exists and yet there’s no video of Marilyn Manson getting fisted in the face at a Denny’s in Canada? I’d even take it in portrait mode. We have got to do better, humanity.
On Sunday morning in Lethbridge, Alberta, Marilyn Manson got a serving of Denny’s signature dish, pure fuckery, when he got punched in the face. Of course, everyone involved in this Rooty Tooty mess has a different story. One source tells TMZ that after performing at a show, the South Park goth kid trapped in the body of a Knott’s Scary Farm character strolled into Lenny’s, I mean Denny’s, at around 2am and for some reason got into a fight of words with people at a table. The source says that Marilyn called one of the chicks at the table a “bitch” and her boyfriend responded by doing what life has done a long time ago: punched MM in the face. But Marilyn’s manager has a totally different story…
Marilyn’s manager tells TMZ that he is an innocent angel in all of this and he did nothing wrong. Marilyn claims that he was enjoying his pancakes when two chicks came up to him and asked for a picture. Marilyn says he played nice, took pictures with the chicks and never called one of them a bitch. But for some reason, a guy flew out of nowhere and punched the white Halloween Town vampire makeup right off of Marilyn’s face before elbowing his makeup artist in the head. The puncher screamed about blowing up Marilyn’s next concert as Marilyn’s bodyguard (yes, he has one of those) dragged the crazy dude away.
The cops know about this Fists Over My Hammy fight, but no charges were filed and the case is closed. It’s closed for the cops, but it’s not closed for Marilyn. He and his makeup artist plan to go back to Lethbridge to press charges against the sucker puncher.
I take back everything I’ve said in the past about Marilyn Manson being as edgy as a bunny in a bow tie backpack. MM earned all the edgy points when he got punched out at a Denny’s in Alberta after midnight. It doesn’t get more hardcore than that. But then again, if you go to almost any Denny’s after midnight, there’s a very good chance you’ll leave with a busted gut from eating that shit and a busted face from getting punched out by a drunk bitch.
If there was video of this, it might be my new favorite Denny’s fight video, but since there isn’t, that title still belongs to the classic “Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me” brawl. There are a million Denny’s fight videos on YouTube, but this one has everything: drama, theatrics and dialogue that sounds like Chekhov wrote it:
Jessica Simpson Says She’s Back Down To Pre-Baby Weight
Jessica Simpson is six months postpartum after popping out baby number two with fiancé Eric Johnson and in an interview with USA Today (via USWeekly), Jess shilled for her non-human BFF Weight Watchers. She said the weight came off much easier this time and that she’s already down to her pre-baby weight (which I might buy if her posture in the picture above didn’t scream, “Oh no, the Spanx are gonna blow!!!“) with a little help in the kitchen and regular exercise.
“I saw the results really quickly,” she tells the paper of her success on Weight Watchers’ “Simple Start” plan and “PointsPlus” plan. It helps, of course, that she has “somebody who comes in and helps out” with the food preparation. “I do want to make sure I stick with the right recipes, and obviously my schedule is a little jam-packed,” she explains.
One thing she has gotten very good at? Fitting exercise into her daily routine. “With both kids, I’m running up and down my stairs a million times,” she tells USA Today of son Ace, almost 6 months, and daughter Maxwell, 19 months. “Kids can keep your metabolism going.”
She’s also been working out with celeb trainer Harley Pasternak four days a week for 45 minutes. And she and Johnson take long walks together, too. “I try and walk about four miles a day consistently,” she says. “It makes me feel better…Working out and being active overall makes me a happier person to be around.“
I feel a little sorry for Jessica. Because she has a private chef, she’s missing out on all the low-rent frozen meal magic Weight Watchers Smart Ones have to offer! They are easy to make and completely filling as long as you eat at at least five of them. If you’re worried about it fitting into your points allowance, just calculate your PointsPlus in dog years and multiply that by your goal weight. Voilà! Diet math!
It’s very touching to see Eric takes some time out of his long days of enjoying Jess’s money to put on his walking harness and get some exercise with her. It’s also good news that Jess has discovered what stairs are for and doesn’t treat her kids the same way she did laundry back in her Newlyweds days. Then again, if Jessica stayed upstairs and just chucked the kids over the railing in a tight spiral down to Eric, maybe he could use the training to get his ass a job playing football in an arena league somewhere instead of being a kept man.
Bobbi Kristina Is Going To Marry Her “Adopted Brother” Nick Gordon
After letting out a stream of denials from the gap in her teefs, Bobbi Kristina has finally said that the rumors are true, she’s engaged to the dude who was like a son to her mother. Bobbi Kristina makes the announcement on her family’s new Lifetime reality show The Houstons: On Our Own and Nick Gordon tweeted a picture of the ring. If you look up in the sky right now, you will see that the clouds are spelling out the line “HELL TO THE NOOOOOO.” That’s Whitney responding to this mess from heaven. Rolling in the deep is what Whitney will be doing in her grave today.
Whitney pretty much raised Nick since he was a teenager and Bobbi Kristina considered him a brother, so some members of the family, including Whit’s brother Gary, thinks their current relationship is some strange Games of Thrones shit. In the clip (which you can watch here if that’s what you need today) for the Houstons reality show, Gary says that nobody in the family ever guessed that Nick Gordon would go from being a godson to making Bobbi Kristina squeal for god while they humped.
What makes this even more messy is that Cissy Houston is trying to keep Bobbi Kristina from her $20 million inheritance, because she’s afraid all that money will bring out the gold diggers (see: Nick Gordon) and drugs dealers who will try lure BK back to the bad shit side.
Most hos can’t wait to get away from their brother, but if Bobbi Kristina wants to do hers for the rest of eternity, then good for her. But that’s not the most disturbing part of this to me. The most disturbing part is that Bobbi Kristina obviously isn’t good at making decisions. I mean, how can she want to marry a dude with brows like that. Those brows should be in a garden, nibbling on rotten apples that fell from a tree. They shouldn’t be on a human face! Those brows look like pieces of burnt flour tortilla. You shouldn’t judge a book by its cover…unless that cover has some jacked up brows on it.
The Plot Thickens (As Did Beyonce’s Titty Situation)
Just a month after the reincarnation of God, Blue Ivy Carter, descended onto earth on the back of a platinum Pegasus, Beyonce stuffed herself into a Spanx cocoon last night to make her first public appearance at Jay-Z’s charity concert at Carnegie Hall and the after-party at 40/40. The conspiracy theorists are straightening their tin foil wigs and screaming “DEM HIPS DO LIE!” while holding up their magnifying glasses to find concrete proof that Beyonce recycled her Tempur-Pedic baby into hip padding.
There are clearer pictures here that Dlisted’s accountant (aka the receipt from the street ATM machine downstairs) tell me I can’t afford and those pictures make me believe that those widened hips definitely made way for something and those titty balls are probably filled with sparkling leche (B.I.C. doesn’t drink anything else). What I’m trying to say is that I’m pretty sure B.I.C. came from in there.
But wait. Do your hips still assume the birthin’ position if you had a C-section? Cue up the 48 Hours Mystery theme song and hand me a piece of Reynolds Wrap. I’m not ready for a full-on tin foil hat, but I might be ready for a tin foil scrunchie.
Zombie Boy Is Ready For That Job Interview Now
For the zero percent of you who have covered absolutely every damn inch of yourself to look like it’s Día de los Muertos on your face every day, Zombie Boy (born name: Rick Genest) has the perfect concealer if you don’t want to scare the living life out of a future employer during a job interview or if you’re sick of your one-night slam piece barfing up their hearts out of sheer fear when they wake up next to you in the light hours.
Zombie Boy, a model type and music video star (he was in Lady CaCa’s “Born This Way“) takes himself from “DUH! I WOULD!” to “I probably still would since I’ve always fantasized about humping my own nightmares” by scrubbing off Dermablend Leg and Body Cover. It’s like seeing a time-lapse video of what you’ll look like when you decompose in a coffin. Hot, I know.
Somebody needs to drop a box of this shit on Lindsay Lohan’s doorstep. I was about to type that somebody should also do the same for Xtina, but this shit isn’t going to work for her. Did you see how he easily wiped that mess off with just a towel? When Xtina’s bodyguards have to peel her drunk face off of a club banquette, the last thing she wants is her face paint to come off. She’ll stick with car lacquer and floor veneer.