“You Know, The Guy I Usually Bring To These Things Always Leaves The Red Carpet Smelling Like Funyuns”

Because she’s always looking for any opportunity to clock a few extra hours of charity work, Dame St. Angie made an appearance at the Hollywood Film Awards last night. And since she’s got that movie she directed to pimp out, she also brought along the star of Unbroken (and owner of the pube-covered neck in Cara Delevingne’s stomach-churning hickey pic) Jack O’Connell.

Jack received the New Hollywood Award for his work in Unbroken and spent most of his acceptance speech slobbering over how wonderful St. Angie is. Meanwhile, Dame St. Angie’s husband Brad Pitt was at home slobbering on himself after he ripped an extra-long bong hit and passed out in his beanbag chair in the garage. He finally came too when the puddle of funyun drool collecting on his shoulder began to attract rats, or as he calls them, “bitey mice”.

I’m not sure why Dame St. Angie left Brapi at home, but it probably had something to do with her dress. Yes, St. Angie has worn 1,734,256 black dresses, but has she even worn a felt dress? Felt picks up everything – it’s like a hoarder in fabric form. So I can only imagine the hassle it would have been to try to keep that felt dress clean. All she’d have to do is lightly brush against Hobo Brad, and that thing would have been covered in Taco Bell crumbs and errant beard hairs and weed stems.

Here’s more of Dame St. Angie working some sexy couch fabric realness, as well as all the other famous hos at the Hollywood Film Awards last night:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Michael Strahan Will Play A Stripper In Magic Mike XXL (UPDATE)

Let’s just get this out of the way, because I’m sure it’s the only thing you really care about: no, you won’t get to see his New York Trouser Giant – BUT – there is a chance we might get to see his defensive end. Pray 4 butts, it’s all we’ve got.

So another hot-bodied hottie has been added to the cast of what will surely be Channing Tatum’s magnum opus, Magic Mike XXL; former football player and Live! with Kelly and Michael host Michael Strahan will make an appearance as a stripper. Did you hear that sound? It was the sound of a million morning TV-watching memaws and stay-at-home moms getting the vapors and fainting into a pile of folded laundry.

Michael admitted on Live! this morning that after Channing Tatum jokingly asked him to appear in Magic Mike 2, he then asked him a second time for real if he’d appear as a stripper, and he agreed. Michael also says he’ll be wearing a “kind-of a thong thing”, which means we won’t get to see any penis. But also because, duh, we’re not going to see any penis anyways because it’s a Hollywood movie. If you want penis, you’re going to have to watch the Magic Mike parody, Spellbound Sam (which I assume is something that exists).

But what Michael doesn’t realize is that he doesn’t technically ever have to show his thong-wrapped stra-ham. He can use a crotch double! And who better to stand in as his dick-double than Kelly Ripa’s erect belly button! Just have Kelly slip a g-string around stomach and shoot  it from a couple creative angles, and no one will know the difference!

And in case you want to know what Michael Strahan stripping looks like, here’s him busting out some bachelorette party moves on Live! two years ago.

Update from Michael K: Warner Bros. announced the full cast, and joining Gappy Strahan, Channing Tatum, Matt Boner, Joe ManJello, Kevin Nash, Gabriel Iglesias and Kevin Nash will be Amber Heard, Jada Pinkett Smith, Elizabeth Banks, Andie MacDowell and Donald Glover. They also spit up a synopsis.

“Magic Mike XXL” finds the remaining Kings of Tampa ready to throw in the towel. But they want to do it their way: burning down the house in one last blow-out performance in Myrtle Beach, and with legendary headliner Magic Mike sharing the spotlight with them. On the road to their final show, with whistle stops in Jacksonville and Savannah to renew old acquaintances and make new friends, Mike and the guys learn some new moves and shake off the past in surprising ways.

Um, yeah, that synopsis means nothing to me, because it doesn’t say how many pairs of bare ass cheeks they’re going to show and if they’re finally going to do things right by giving us dick shots. That’s the only thing us, desperate, hard-up whores care about.

Open Post: Hosted By Richard Grieco

The last time I posted about Richard Grieco, he was looking like Johnny Depp if Johnny Depp was bit by a zombie, fell into a vat of boiling oil and spent his days smoking meth off of a tin spoon under the pier at the beach (“So you mean, like Johnny Depp today?” – you). Well, what a difference a year, a bottle of Bonne Bell foundation, a haircut by a speed freak with arthritic hands and some old L.A. Looks gel makes!

Richard Grieco graced the lessers with his presence at last night’s L.A. premiere of 22 Jump Street, because well, the producers promised him a couple of drink tickets and a half-carton of Reds if he showed up. While a bunch of borings showed up being boring, Richard Grieco showed them how sexy is really done. Yes, sexy IS looking like a parched turtle doing its best impersonation of Eddie Munster as a bunch of black crows attack its head. Richard Grieco still has it.

Here’s more of Richard along with pictures of others like Channing Tatum, Dave Franco and Andy Dick. I know, Richard Grieco AND Andy Dick in the same theater together. How didn’t that theater immediately fill with gallons upon gallons of crotch cream?

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Channing Tatum Admits That He’s A Bit Of A Lohan When It Comes To Booze

I’m not sure what’s more fascinating to me right now: that GQ managed to find a handsome unfrozen caveman and Photoshop him to look like Channing Tatum, or that 50 Cent is somebody’s life coach. Newsflash, whoever hired 50 Cent to coach their life: never take life advice from someone who repeatedly bumped down-lows with Chelsea Handler. Or someone who’s name loosely translates to “enough for a snack pack of Keebler Cheese & Peanut Butter crackers at the gas station”.

But that nameless rando who chose 50 Cent as a mentor might not be the only one who should pick up the phone and ask Iyanla to fix their life; during an interview with GQ, Channing Tatum – the human definition of “Shhhh, no talking” – admitted that nothing makes his peen-hole smile like sucking the glass dick and getting druuuunk, and not just on the weekends or at lunch like the rest of us:

“I probably drink too much, you know. My wife, that’s what she bought into. I’m probably a pretty high-functioning, I guess, you know, I would say, alcoholic, I guess. There’s probably a tendency to escape. I equate it to creativity, and I definitely equate it to having a good time.”

This is where I’d normally picture a drunk Channing Tatum stumbling around like the missing link, chugging Baileys from the bottle and busting out some stripper moves before blacking out and pissing his Magic Mike sweatpants, but after reading about Deryck Whibley personal Met Gala elevator fight with the bottle yesterday, Channing Tatum’s constant Quest for Firewater doesn’t seem as funny. Then again, just give me some time. I’m sure by tomorrow, imagining Channing getting next-level hammered and and practicing his Cajun accent will be absolutely delightful.

Here’s more of Chuggin’ Tatum in GQ looking like the second biggest drinker at SC&P (second only to Don Draper’s extra-thirsty trouser tube) in a vaguely 7th season Mad Men-y photo shoot. Then again, it could be any old present-day hipster house. Regardless of what they were going for, I’m sure they had to explain it to Channing Tatum 40+ times before he stopped getting distracted by all the shiny things and started paying attention.

Channing Tatum Got A Job As “Gambit” In The Next X-Men Film

For those of you who used to read X-Men comics and think: “You know, I really wish Gambit was more of a panty creamer who subdued evil mutants by busting out some raunchy Tampa stripper moves in a pair of loose sweatpants”, you’re in luck! X-Men: Back to the Future Past producer Lauren Shuler Donner confirmed in an interview with Total Film (via Us Weekly) that walking hotness Channing Tatum has been cast as “Gambit” in the 2016 film X-Men: Apocalypse. At the MTV Movie Awards last month, Channing Tatum said he had met with Donner about the possibility of playing Gambit (born name: Remy Etienne LeBeau. I’m truly embarrassed I didn’t have to go to Wikipedia for that one) and could really relate to the character, since they’re both from the south. He then added “…also because Brian Singer backed a dump truck full of money into my driveway and told me I could keep it if I left him sit in on a rehearsal for Magic Mike 2.”

Unfortunately, not everyone is excited to see Channing Tatum dopily mumble his way through a Cajun accent. Gambit first appeared in X-Men Origins: Wolverine, where he was played by forever-Tim Riggins Taylor Kitsch. Except for some reason, Taylor wasn’t invited back. What happened guys? Did Taylor take too many fun-size Snickers from the craft service table? Did you lose his phone number? I know that Taylor is trying to be a ~serious~ actor now, but I’m sure Taylor can still come in for an audition if you need him. Does Taylor have to pull a Sean Young and throw together a home-made Gambit costume and confront Brian Singer by whipping playing cards at him in the studio parking lot? Please say yes, because I would like to see that very much.

What In The Name Of Blanche Deverea-ho Is Going On Here?

I know – Blanche Devereaux would NEVER; I mean, that old slut would probably try, but Sophia would remind her that a true lady never flashes her satin-wrapped snapper without first being treated to the early bird special at Red Lobster. And since I see no Cheddar Bay Biscuit crumbs on her chichis, there’s clearly no Sophia in Rihanna’s life to tell her to put on some damn pants (Drake is really more of a Rose Nylund). But I should give RiRi some credit, because she was the only person with enough foresight to know that the MTV Movie Awards were going to be a sleepy snoozefest last night and came dressed ready to pop a couple Ambien and call it a night. “Fuck it, it’s not worth putting on pants.” – RiRi to her stylist.

Here’s more of the Barbadian Grace Kelly at the MTV Movie Awards, as well as a bunch of other tricks who’s event-appropriate clothing couldn’t hold a candle to the class and elegance of RiRi’s granny panties. But some came close, like Pia Mia in purple satin, Rachel Antonoff as Peaches n’ Cream Col. Sanders, and a drunk-looking Leslie Mann (always the look):

Pics: Splash