Chelsea Handler Stomped All Over 50 Cent’s Heart

Chelsea Handler and 50 Cent never seriously came out and said that they’ve been rubbing their nipples against each other, but UsWeekly is saying that they were down low fuck partners at one point. Chelsea has since moved on to Uma Thurman’s tossed piece, Andre Balazs, and 50 Cent has been left to clean up the broken pieces of his piggy bank heart. A source says that 50 Cent got the leaky tingles when thinking about all the things he could do with the bulging skinny peen on her forehead, but Chelsea didn’t feel the same way. Chelsea took a sledgehammer to 50’s open heart.

The source went on to say that Chelsea is on new dick, so when 50 sent her a bunch of gifts for Christmas, “she sent them back. She put a note on one that said, ‘I can buy my own gifts.‘” Chelsea and 50 were both in Sundance recently, but they stayed away from each other. 50 is still heartbroken over how Chelsea has treated him.

Fuck me with a stack of quarters. Like 50 Pennies is really having a Jennifer Aniston moment over Chelsea sending his stupid presents back? Yes, the image of 50 bundled up in his Hoodie Footie Snuggle Suit and quietly weeping over a framed picture of Chelsea while nibbling on pieces of raw Pillsbury cinnamon roll dough is so real I can practically touch. Please. George Washington Squared has the attention span of an ADD-ridden toddler on crack. Anybody who has spent time on his Twitter page knows this. So 50 probably got sad for a quick minute before the screensaver in his head kicked in and he moved on to the next shit.

In other Chelsea news, Jenna Jameson Tweeted this last night:

HuffPo thinks that a “Jenna Jameson is raunchy” comment from Chelsea is what triggered this swift kick to the vag bone. But are we sure that Jenna didn’t mean this as a compliment? I mean, Chelsea Handler is 35 (we’re still waiting to see the receipts for that one) and Jenna Jameson is 36, so who in parched clit hell is she calling old? AND Jenna Jameson made her fortune from being one of the biggest professional whores of all professional whores. And yes, you could stuff Chelsea into a bag of dehydrated apricots at Trader Joe’s and nobody would know the difference, but Jenna’s pussy could get a second job at Home Depot as a rented sander. So again, this Tweet must be a “Welcome to the Club” air kiss from Jenna.