Channing Tatum’s Writing Partner Is A Marble Bust Of The Texas T-Rex

But where are his tiny marble T-Rex arms? How can he play tiny marble bongos on a little marble beach without his tiny T-Rex arms? And why is it so white? Matthew McConaughey never lets his beautiful, leathery skin get half a shade lighter than Pantone 173-C (I believe it’s called Faded Football).

Good news today for those of you obsessed with seeing dudes shake their junk in oversized sweatpants (shamefully raises hand); Channing Tatum uploaded this picture of himself in a dumb hat staring at the dead eyes of David Wooderson to Instagram with the caption:

“What better way to start writing #MagicMike2 than with my old friend Dallas? #runatribe”

Well, I can think of a better way. If you’re writing a script about male strippers, you should be eyeball-deep in dongs; the only penis-like thing I can see in that room is whatever it is that’s sticking out of your hat, and that’s not good enough. I don’t want to watch a movie about wispy feather-peens. And maybe switch out that boring statue of the Texas T-Rex for a dancing Santa in a g-string. I’m not trying to be bossy; I just to make sure that Channing Tatum is going to follow through on the promise he made to The Hollywood Reporter back in June that Magic Mike 2 is going to burn Magic Mike 1 down and grind all over the ashes:

“It will be a road-trip movie, and it will essentially be the movie that everyone thought the first one was going to be: crazy and fun and less slice-of-life and less drama. The first one, we had to make not so cheesy and campy; this one we are going to swing for the fences.”

That’s too many words! He should have just saved himself some time and held up a picture of Joe Manganiello. “More of this. Lots more of this. 2 hours of this humping on stuff to 2 Chainz“.

(Pic: Channing Tatum)

Would You Hit It?

No, this is not Channing Tatum on the set of Picked Scabs & Fingernail Dirt: The True Story Of Puck from The Real World: San Francisco. This is Channing Tatum on the Chicago set of The Wachowskis’ Jupiter Ascending. Channing plays some kind of wolf elf warrior thing who is sent to Earth by the Queen of the Universe to track down and capture a human girl, played by Mila Kunis. That plot sounds exactly like Scientology’s hunt to find Tommy Girl a new wife. But back to Carol O’Neal…

Even though every wannabe skater in the 90s had that hair and his goatee looks like dead grass and those eyebrows look like piss-soaked tampon halves, I still would. It’s the ears.

Pics: Splash

Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan Named Their Daughter “Everly”

Jenna Dewan-Tatum and Carol Channing Tatum O’Neal are temporarily living in London while he shoots a movie and last week she birthed their first child. This morning, a statement went up on the squinting thumb man’s website (via UsWeekly) announcing the birf of his daughter and her name:

“Jenna Dewan-Tatum and Channing Tatum are thrilled to announce the birth of their daughter, Everly Tatum, who was born on May 31 in London. Sending love and light to Chan, Jenna and Ms. Everly!”

Wait. Channing Tatum’s friends and family call him CHAN?! Channing Tatum is the last person I want to call CHAN!

Everly Tatum isn’t the worst name. Everly sounds like a fancy hillbilly name. Everly Tatum sounds like the name of the snobbiest Southern housewife in a sequel to The Help or something.

If you don’t like the name “Everly,” you better find a way to get used to it. Because in the future, everybody is going to have the word “Ever” somewhere in their first name. Everybody is naming their kid Eversomething. Milla Jovovich named her daughter Ever Gabo (which is a Russian phrase that translates into “I hate my child” ), Cam Gigadent named his daughter Everleigh Rae, Anthony Kiedis named his son Everly Bear, Alanis Morrissette named her son Ever Imre and now Channing and Jenna have named their daughter Everly Tatum. If for some strange reason my right hand gets pregnant and has a baby, I’m totally going to name it Everclear or Everluvin Fuq.

Here’s some riveting pictures of Channing and Jenna taking their dogs for a walk right before she gave birth to Everly.

But Which One’s The Top And Which One’s The Bottom?

People’s Sexiest Potato Alive 2012 Channing Tatum tells The Sun that his dream man is People’s Sexiest Man Alive 1997/2006 George Clooney and that he wants to make out with George’s butt all night long. Whenever Channing is in a room with George, everybody else disappears, his body turns into a giant boner and all he sees is George’s perfect face. Channing would leave his knocked up wife Jenna Dananahwatever and his unborn baby for George. A stream of drool trickled out of Channing’s mouth when he said this:

“I’ve spent time with George Clooney and he’s the most interesting man on the planet. He can do it all. I guess what I’m saying is I’d have sex with him.”

That’s it? Channing Tatum can’t say that he’d bone George Clooney and leave out the most important details. Would they make out or just get right to it? Would they 69 or 88 or both? Would Channing make George slap him in the face with his peen? These are the details everybody (aka just me) wants to know. But more importantly, who’d be the top and who’d be the bottom?

I’ve seen Channing Tatum’s body rolls in that Magic Mike shit, so I’d say he’s the top. Then again, he seems like the sort of dude you’d meet at a bar, peg as a total top, but then when you get to his apartment and make out for a bit, he excuses himself to freshen up in the bathroom. That totally means he’s going to clean his butt out with a balloon enema. BOTTOM!

Then there’s George. That one’s easy. George looks like he loves it most when his ass is up in the air and his teeth are biting down on a pillow. POWER BOTTOM!

So what I’m saying is that they’d totally use a double-sided dildo.

Channing Tatum And His Boner In St. Barts

One of my duties as a guest blogger for DListed is to report on celebrity peen whenever and wherever it pops up. It was in my contract. Lindsay Lohan could kick Katt Williams in the asshole in front of Buckingham Palace, and a peen post would still come first. I would be doing a disservice to my boss Michael K. if I dropped the ball(s) on this one. That’s Channing Tatum, his pregnant wife Jenna Dewan-Tatum, and what could be his erect penis lounging on the beach.

It’s possible I just have boners on the brain. That could just be the way his shorts are bunching. He could have a really big helmet on that soldier and it’s just at ease. Maybe that’s a hermit crab hiding out. Or maybe it’s a THROBBING STIFFIE! Or at least a semi. You decide.

And yes, I totally would. Sure he’s got a face like ham, and he won’t get off of our movie screens. Seriously, it’s like he’s in a competition with Olivia Wilde to win the “Marginally Talented Actor To Appear In The Most Movies” trophy. However, he’s pale and beefy and I can always just sit on his mug to hide it.

He also reminds me of several shady types that I know from Southie who will snatch your iPhone to sell for Perocets. All he’s missing is a Sox jersey, a Fighting Irish tattoo, and coke dick. Hometown boys are the hottest. I consider coke dick to be a character-building challenge. Just keep an eye on your purse with those types.

Check out more pics of Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan-Tatum on the beach at St. Barts in the gallery.

The “Sexiest Man Alive” Is Going To Be The Sexiest Dad Alive

The Charming Potato who broke out of his little patch, moved to Hollywood and later became Steven Soderbergh’s muse, twerked a baby right into his wife’s body. Channing Tatum and his wife of 3 years Jenna Dewan-Tatum tells the magazine that gave him the “Sexiest Man Alive” title that sometimes when a husband rides his wife’s pony bareback-style, a baby is made. People gave us the news like this:

The actor and his wife Jenna Dewan-Tatum ”are pleased to announce that they are expecting the birth of their first child next year,” reps for the couple confirm to PEOPLE exclusively.

Some source tells UsWeekly that Carol O’Neal and Jenna were actually surprised that one of his jizz fishes headbutted its way into one of her eggs, but they’re happy that they’ll have a baby friend next year. Channing is going to take a year off to be with his wife and newborn.

You might be wondering why a couple who does it bareback-style is surprised about getting pregnant, but I’ll have you know that they were using condoms all the time. This is how their baby was made. One night, Jenna was coming out of the shower and as she was standing there naked, she looked across the bathroom and saw Channing Tatum trying to twerk out a stubborn shit on the toilet. If you’re wondering what that looks like, here you go:

BOOM! Baby. Anybody who watches Channing pump his crotch into the air live and in person, gets pregnant. Half of his fortune is spent on the child support he has to pay all the men and women who got knocked up with his baby during the filming of Magic Mike.

Here’s Jenna looking pregnant at VH1 Divas last night. No, I don’t know what the hell she’s wearing. She’s dressed like a pregnant 15-year-old at her quinceañera.