Category: Truly Awful Music
Open Post: Hosted by Rebecca Black’s Tenth Anniversary Remix Of The Viral Classic “Friday”
Where were you ten years ago on this exact date? Well, unless you’re one of those cursed brainiacs who can recall every single second of their life, you probably have no clue. Let me help you out: February 10th, 2011 was the day Rebecca Black’s music video for the song “Friday” hit the Internet, catapulting the then-13-year-old to viral infamy, which, according to her, almost ruined her life. Well, Rebecca survived, and she’s back with a “glitched out” electronic remix and updated music video. And if you thought the original was an earsore, you ain’t heard nothin’ yet!
Lindsay Lohan Is Teasing That She’s “Back” With New Music
Lindsay Lohan chose the perfect time to step back onto the music scene. While artists like Lady Gaga have pushed back releases of their music, Lindsay has decided that a quarantine is the best time to make her musical comeback. I mean, it’s definitely a fittingly-poetic choice!
What A Weird Michael Bay-Directed Victoria’s Secret/Ambien Commercial…. Oh, Wait
For what feels like eons, Ariana Grande, Miley Cyrus, and Lana Del Rey have been threatening us with this generation’s answer to Moulin Rouge’s Lady Marmalade. Well, keep a glass of water nearby, because you’re going to need to cleanse your palate from the bland bitterness of this Lady Ambien Chutney that MAL (No, that doesn’t stand for Miley, Ariana, and Lana. It stands for BAD) dropped onto eyes and ears last night. If you were late to work this morning and used the excuse, “Sorry, I overslept because I watched the industrial-strength sleep aid known as Don’t Call Me Angel,” I’m sure your boss hit back with, “Me too.”
That still of MAL sums the video up. Ariana’s neck and back are slowing breaking as she tries to bring the sexy while carrying ten tons of pony hair and feathers. Miley Cyrus is pooting out a cloud of manufactured edgy sexiness. And Lana Del Rey is trying to remember what strain of weed she smoked right before signing the contract, agreeing to this mess, because she’s never smoking that shit again.
Will Smith’s Latest Single Sucks
Will Smith has GOT to stop listening to Jaden Smith’s career advice. Yes, we get it Jaden, you’re edgy and hip and have your finger on the pulse of youth culture in all its varied forms, but you gotta know that club music is gonna be a real stretch for your middle-aged dad.
Torture For Your Ears And Eyes: Avril Lavigne’s Music Video For “Hello Kitty”
If 2004 Gwen Stefani swallowed a neon green bucket full of Ke$hit’s juicy queefs and swallowed it down with Skrillex’s wet burps and a candy necklace that Keroppi used as anal beads, she’d get the serious heaves and then barf out this video for Avril Lavigne’s ear-killing song “Hello Kitty.”
I was going to say that Avril is pretty much 30 going on 13, but two of my cousins are 13 and they’d rather be seen at the movies with their parents on a Saturday night than be seen in a goddamn pink ruffled skirt with cupcakes on it. This Hello Kitty butt dingle of a video is such a horrific abomination that Canada needs to immediately issue an apology to Japan.
The song is the perfect thing to listen to when you want the answer to the question, “Can ears actually bleed blood?”, (SPOILER ALERT: Listening to this wreck will prove that the answer is YES) and of course Chad Kroeger is a co-writer on it. Only the 12-year-old mind of Avril Lavigne and the Monster Energy Drink-infused brain of Chad Kroeger could come up with these poignant lyrics:
Mom’s not home tonight
So we can roll around, have a pillow fight
Like a major rager OMFGLet’s all slumber party
Like a fat kid on a pack of Smarties
Someone chuck a cupcake at me
Avril Lavigne is practically 30 and she’s spitting out lyrics that a 12-year-old one consider too immature. Chad Kroeger is married to her. Chris Hansen needs to ask both of them to have a seat.
And here’s 2 things I would rather do than listen to that song again:
1. Listen to a Nickelback song (it’s that serious).
2. Shove a lighter wand in my ear and pull the trigger.
Backdoor Farrah Is Blowin’
The first “song” from Backdoor Farrah that tortured my ears sounded like C3PO drowning in boiling water and I must truly have no love for my sense of hearing, because I pressed play on the latest musical torture device that should be banned for being a weapon of mass destruction. Mass ear murderer Backdoor Farrah is back. Backdoor Farrah’s new song “Blowin‘” is a nightmare for your ears and I’d rather listen to the sounds that come out of her airport hangar of an asshole (yes, you can call me “pot” today) when James Deen pulls out too fast.
I don’t even know if this is human English, but I do know this is a new kind of auto-tune. It sounds like a Sims singing Sims language into a fan. Rich at Gawker somehow pulled English words out of this unnatural disaster of a song. The lyrics are so poetic that if they were an answer under a Jeopardy category titled “Lyrics,” you’d guess Joni Mitchell obviously.
Let me get that air
That breeze
The wind I need ,
Im blowin (I’m blowin)
All these bullies away
And dragging her on-and-off again daughter into this mess is a form of severe child abuse. But I will say that the song really delivers a positive message. If you can’t beat your bullies, blow them.