Hot Slut Of The Day!
The Fisher-Price Tape Recorder From The 80s!
The Fisher-Price Tape Recorder still exists today, because obviously, toddlers everywhere really want to pry their eyeballs from their iPad while plotting the rise of their TikTok empire to play with some artifact from ancient times. No, I’m sure there’s some retro hipster preschooler out there who rolls their eyes all snobby-like as the kids play with boring technology like an iPhone before adjusting their fedora and using their vintage Fisher-Price Tape Recorder to record their low-fi podcast episode on why Peppa Pig is so problematic. But the version of the Fisher-Price Tape Recorder I remember the most is obviously the iconic one in shades of shit.
Gigi Hadid Called Jake Paul “Ugly” and “Irrelevant” While Defending Zayn Malik
In “Parents, come and get your fucking brats” news, there is a new feud to roll your eyes to this weekend and it comes in the form of Jake Paul vs. Zayn Malik vs. Gigi Hadid. Now, I’m old. I had to Google Jake Paul because I thought he was another person with the same job description and completely forgettable, punchable face. Turns out, I was thinking of his brother Logan Paul, who, surprisingly, has yet to enter the ring of this all-star mud-slinging match. Logan is the douche who filmed a suicide victim, and Jake is the douche who filmed himself doing the #BirdBoxChallenge while driving a car, among other shit.
Once I got over the initial embarrassment of mistaking Logan for Jake, I did my damndest to follow along to the vicious tweets, complete with eight-grade level name-calling, to try to understand what these children were fighting about. I say, what “they” were fighting about…as usual, Zayn just sat there and ate his food while his ex-girlfriend turned rumored new girlfriend, Gigi, stood by her man and defended his legacy as a “respectful king” (ugh, fucking hell).
Night Crumbs
Chris Pratt claims that while shooting his latest movie The Tomorrow War in Iceland, they filmed on a glacier that had never been filmed on before. Okay, but Chris also claims that a couple weeks before filming, the bodies of two lovers from the 1930s or 1940s were found in a crack and they still had their old-timey clothes on and everything. But I Googled, and a reporter says there’s zero evidence that two bodies were found in that glacier. So Pratt is full of schatt! To Chris, the Ninth Commandment must be: Thou shalt not lie… unless you need a story to sell your stupid movie! – Pajiba
Anya Taylor-Joy is giving you Catwoman as designed by Edith Head – Lainey Gossip
Prince Hot Ginge and Meghan Markle confirm that they will no longer use the “Sussex Royal” name for their branding. They will instead use the name SuckIt Royals! – Celebitchy
A Stunt Porn Was Filmed Inside An Open Santa Monica Library
Fuckery was afoot at the Ocean Park Branch of the Santa Monica Public Library a couple of weeks ago. In fact, in this case, fuckery was also adick, avag and acoupleoftittays. According to the Santa Monica Daily Press, 19-year-old porn actress Ellie Eilish and an accomplice filmed a 10-minute full fucking video in the library and uploaded it to PornHub. Then I guess some concerned citizen was watching PornHub and yelled “now wait a minute, that’s MY masturbation nook!”, and raised the alarm prompting library patrons and local residents to express their outrage on social media. The video has since been removed from PornHub but the pages of Scruples by Judith Krantz are still stuck together.
Who Is January’s Hot Slut Of The Month?
The first HSOTM showdown of 2020 is happening a little later in the month (I mean, February ends in only 10 days. Time flies while you’re suffocating on the fumes wafting off the dumpster fire that is the current state of everything.), because I wanted to give our current reigning Hot Slut of the Year queen, Tanqueray, enough time in the HSOTY shine. But now it’s time to vote on who will be in the running to inherit Tanqueray’s crown next year. And the first HSOTM battle royale has brought on the return of Billy Porter!
The first three HSOTM competitors got the most Facebook likes up until today, and the fourth is a wild card picked by me. Of course I picked the evil pussy. Your choices for January are:
GE’s P’Jammer alarm clock, the Barbie microwave-looking clock that regularly warbled out the song stylings of Debbie Gibson to wake up the children of the 80s.
Kyle, the alpha rooster who rules his farm and will one day rule the world.
Billy Porter’s crystal curtain hat, the instant meme that Billy wore to the Grammys and became the must-have fashion item of extroverts who would occasionally like to go into introvert mode with the help of a stunning stripper club curtain.
Perdita, the shelter cat in North Carolina who made every cat in the world jealous by getting the title of World’s Worst Cat. And Perdita is now in a new home, hopefully keeping her title alive.
Voting is below. 2020’s first HSOTM will be named this Monday, February 24!
https://poll.fm/10507929
Night Crumbs
Russell Crowe, the nemesis of concierge phones and Azalea Banks who chunked up to play Roger Ailes and other roles, is supposedly embarrassed about his bear daddy body and is hiding out until he loses the weight. I too am “hiding out” (read: not leaving my house because I hate people) until I lose weight (read: not planning to lose weight) – Celebitchy
My guess is that whoever chose Taylor Swift’s “business woman cyclist after getting hit by a tornado” look for her was also drunk – Lainey Gossip
The judging line-up of RuPaul’s Drag Race is a mostly glamorous buffet including Thandie Newton (serving Dominique Deveraux’s younger sister on Dynasty), AOC (serving party extra on Dynasty), Jeff Goldblum (serving accountant in The CW’s Dynasty), and Rachel Bloom (serving Fallon #3 if there was a Fallon #2 on Dynasty) – Pajiba