Erin Esurance!

While dragging the wine and bread-filled bloated bag of skin I call a body all around Paris yesterday, I saw some chick with short pink Tinkerbell-like hair and I don’t know why, but my brain processed the image of her and then spit out the memory of Erin Esurance.

Erin was an auto insurance agent by day and a sexy spy by night, and she was Esurance’s mascot for a moment. But in 2010, Erin probably anonymously wrote a piece for Salon titled “I Was Fired Because Horny Hard-Up Nerd Boys Couldn’t Stop Drawing Porn Of Me,” because Esurance shit canned her due to all of the cartoon porn starring her that covered the internet. I know, I’ve heard of tricks losing their jobs because they did porn. But losing your job because horny dudes drew you naked? The “morality clause” in Erin’s contract was no joke.

Wikipedia tells me that Esurance wanted more dude customers who were 18 to 24, so they created a big-tittied sexy mascot in heels. Erin looked like the FernGully fairy with a dye job and chichi implants. And when you put a big-tittied sexy mascot in heels in front of dudes, some of them are going to fap until their hand falls off and stitch their hand back onto their wrist so they can fap some more before drawing her ass naked. If you Google “Erin Esurance porn,” your eyes will be hit with plenty of pictures of Erin sexing a dude, Erin sexing a chick, Erin tied up and Erin getting it butt-style by some kind of alien. (Side note: “Getting it butt-style by an alien” sounds like a Craigslist ad from a Scientologist.) This is the tamest of tame fan art picture of Erin out there:

Esurance never said why they retired Erin, but CBS said at the time that they most likely got rid of her because of the porn. Poor Erin. It’s not her fault they drew her so sexy. But now I’m wondering if other insurance mascots have been given the porn treatment. Before I find the answer to that question, I need to check if my health insurance covers “mental health treatment to deal with being exposed to SUCIO images on the Internet” before I Google “Are the Aflac duck, The General, Flo and the Geico Gecko in cartoon porn?“

Slow clap for Tumblr lovegod Tom Hiddleston if his next move is dropping a chart-topping EDM single under the name DJ LOKI called “Tay Tay is My Bae Bae (“Calvin Harris Is A Bitch Ass” Remix). The Sun reports (via Page Six) that Loki is currently being considered to replace the currently bereaved Calvin Harris as the body, butt, and bulge of Emporio Armani’s underwear campaign.

Potential 007 Tom is reportedly on a short list of candidates that include Joe Jonas (I’d prefer the gay-baiting brother), Chris Pine (*snore*), and Liam Hemsworth (Frankly, I’m #TeamPeeta).

In DJ Buff Yet Bland’s defense, he did take leave of Armani on his own to work on a fashion line.

Who am I kidding? This isn’t Loki’s doing, it’s Taylor Swift’s! It’s all grist for the songwriting mill, and the more trauma she causes him, the better. She’s somewhere below Oprah on the Celebrity Omnipotence Chart (Pippi Yawnstocking took on Apple and won). She can probably have people killed at this point. Behind that nondescript “who me?” slumber party princess image is a calculating conniver of epic proportions. She’s basically a blonde Sith Lord.

Check out some more life-changing pics of Tom and Swifty strolling the beach in Suffolk below, as well as some billboards of Calvin from his old modeling gig.

Pics: Splash

It’s hard out there in the entertainment industry. There’s a lot of stuff going around, and if you’re not careful, you’ll catch something or fall prey to disease. Mostly, from what I’ve heard, it’s stuff like the clap and crabs. But, the number one deadly predator for celeb types is the dreaded exhaustion. Exhaustion claims days out of the lives of the people you see on screen and hear on the radio. On the upside, it also gives them a jolt of attention when they’re feeling like people aren’t paying attention to them. Today’s victim is someone that many people probably haven’t heard of, and those who have might still ask, “What? Who?” Rita Ora was in the hospital for exhaustion. What? Who?

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Based on some very in-depth research (ie. me staring at pictures of his extra-ripped action figure body for ten minutes), I have estimated that Zac Efron’s body is approximately 106% muscle. I know that technically the most muscle a human body could be made up of is 100%, but look at him. He’s clearly storing a whole bunch of extra muscles behind his other muscles. However, don’t think this jacked-up version of Zac Efron will be around forever. There is the possibility that one day you will see a shirtless picture of Zac Efron, and his body will be missing a matching set of bulgy biceps, a pair of plump titties, a washboard upper-crotch area, and whatever those weird muscles are on the side of your body that look like a litter of sleeping puppies.

While walking the red carpet for his latest movie, Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates, earlier today, Zac Efron confessed to UsWeekly that he’d be willing to say goodbye to his rock-hard body and get heavy for the right role.

“I would love to gain 30 pounds and play an aging rock star. That’d be an awesome transformation.”

Somewhere, Axl Rose heard the words “gain pounds” and “aging rock star” and whispered: “He better not be talking about me.”

I would love to see science figure out a way to make Zac Efron gain weight. I don’t think it’s possible. I’m pretty sure that any calories that go in are instantly burned up the second they attempt to make their way through the Spartan Race that is his abs.

Here are some picture of Zac Efron from the premiere of Mike and Dave with most of his body covered up by a suit. I see he’s still working that Mark McGrath-circa 1997 hair. Also included are some pictures of Adam DeVine riding Zac (not like that), as well as Aubrey Plaza and Anna Kendrick.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

The Russian legend who protested her right to sun her nalgas out of her apartment window by sunning her nalgas every sunny day!

I’m going to go ahead and assume that all of the citizens of the UK who voted to BREXIT did it because they really want to join the Russian Federation so they can be a part of the same union with this #FREETHENALGAS hero. That must be it. Meduza (via Gawker) says that every time the sun is out in the city of Novosibirsk, a delicate Russian rose feeds her ass cheeks a giant serving of Vitamin D by hanging them out of a window in her second floor apartment. Her ass cheek sunning session starts at around 10 in the morning and stops at around 1 in the afternoon. She doesn’t totally look like a terra cotta pot on the bottom and a white china plate on top, because she also suns her other parts sometimes.

Believe it or not, but there are some prude ass bitches who don’t appreciate that this butt-tanning activist has been beautifying their block with her nalgas. There’s a children’s art center nearby, so some neighbors have gone full думать о детях (Rosetta Stone’s drunk brother Google translate tells me that’s Russian for “THINK OF THE CHILDREN“). They’re afraid that the innocent eyes of the children will be tainted by the sight of a human’s butt. The butt-tanning haters started a petition to report her to the police and her building’s administration, but it hasn’t worked and she hasn’t stopped. The man who took that picture of our nalgas-bearing Russian pioneer and her sunny side up ass said this to Novosibirsk News:

“I know that old ladies collected signatures to go to the police and to the control house. But it does not end, the lady continued to sunbathe. It’s her apartment, it’s her body.”

Whenever I’m feeling confused or scared, I’m going to close my eyes and think of the angry Russian memaws trying and failing to hit our hero’s ass cheeks with slingshot pebbles. It won’t make me feel any less confused or scared, but at least I’ll get a quick laugh out of it. Keep fucking that chicken sunning those cheeks, Russian hero!

Pic: NGS

Roland Emmerich’s movie about the Stonewall riots was an extra chunky skid mark in the eyes of most critics and it was a total flop at the box office. One of that shit show’s biggest criticism was that it was like the 1969 Stonewall riots as seen through the eyes of an Abercrombie & Fitch marketing executive. The movie focused on a pretty-faced young white boy and pushed the black and Latino activists into the background. Someone even started a petition to boycott that mess. It got almost 25,000 signatures. Director Roland Emmerich defended his Stonewall movie then, and he’s still defending the hell out of it.

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