To the dude in the background thinking to himself, “I wish I had it like that,” I’m with you.

The legendary Steven Tyler stomped through LAX yesterday looking EXACTLY like Jacqueline Onassis in the 70s. Google it, bitch, and you’ll see that he is the spitting image of Jackie O. So much grace, style and carefree sophistication. I almost bitched out the photo agency for uploading old pics of Jackie O and labeling them “Steven Tyler at LAX on 1/21/15.” Steven Tyler can do whatever the fuck he wants. If he wants to wear a My Little Pony clip-on piece, my auntie’s leather duster from the 70s, one of Mr. Furley’s old blouses and your favorite bootcut jeans from 1996, he should wear it all, because he’ll wear it better. (Sorry auntie.)

And in case you didn’t know, Steven’s toes are all jacked up from years and years of performing in shoes that were too small. Steven Tyler bled for you!

Pics: Splash

Dave, the freak machine in Khloe Kardashian-approved ass pads, 1970s hustler shorts and fuck me heels who twerks, struts and drops it like there’s money to be made in the British commercial for something called MoneySuperMarket.

I don’t what a MoneySuperMarket is (A supermarket where rich people just throw their money away? Isn’t that called Whole Foods?), but I do know that watching this young Vladimir Putin-looking ass hot bitch (he puts the “puta” in Vladimir Putin) in coochie cutters rule the ho stroll with his money-making click clack strut and drop that ass like Jon Hamm’s dick is below it made me want to throw dollar bills at my screen. Dave moves like a chicken on Ecstasy suffering from an itchy anus. Get it, Dave. Make those hos salivate.

You know, at first, I was kind of “eh” about this commercial, because I’m sure John Travolta does this same strut all the time while leaving the Scientology Centre after having a really good audit. But then one of the YouTube comments really sold me on it.

This disgusting filth marks a paradigm shift in TV adds. Overt,offensive,unfunny displays a poverty of creative thought on the part of the makers. Not at all surprised S.O. appears. We are now on the slippery slope. Would not want my daughter to see it. Feel tainted and slightly ill.

Any commercial that makes a ho feel tainted and slightly ill is my kind of commercial. Keep fucking that chicken, Dave!

(For Glasgow and Peter)

DICK POOP!

Dick poop pretty much sums up the Oscars perfectly.

The Academy president Cheryl Boone Isaacs became my favorite person of the day this morning when Dick Poop slipped out of her mouth while announcing the Oscar nominations with Chris Pine. While farting up the names of the nominees for Best Cinematography, Cheryl said Dick Poop instead of Dick Pope. What was Cheryl thinking about this morning? Cheryl should really be today’s HSOTD, because she created Dick Poop (not to be confused with Poop Noodle) and she’s the reason why tons of people are typing the name Dick Poop into Google Images to see what he looks like. I already did that. I expected to see picture after picture of Justin Bieber, but I only got pictures of dick-shaped poop. (“Isn’t that the same thing?” – you “Good point.” – me)  Dick poop reminds me of when one of my friends said that he’s been fucked in the butt by so many Jewish guys that his shits are circumcised. I know, you really needed to know that today, but Cheryl Boone Isaacs started it.

Here’s to Dick Poop winning! He’s my favorite Oscar nominee of all-time!

Long before Matthew McConaughey was a 45-year-old human bong, he was just a 23-year-old human boing. The Criterion Collection has put out a special edition reissue of Richard Linklater’s Dazed and Confused from 1993 and on that shit is the Texas T-Rex’s audition tape for the role of everyone’s favorite burnout David Wooderson. While working that gorgeous feathered helmet haircut that every skater dude in the 90s worked, the Texas T-Rex fists the air and shares lines with the kid who got cast as Mitch Kramer. The Texas T-Rex can act (although, he’s pretty much playing himself in this clip), but he sucks at invisible driving. Where were the invisible cops when we needed them, because I’m pretty sure he sideswiped at least two invisible cars.

And it goes without saying, but as long as he kept on that Headbanger’s Ball t-shirt, I’d hit it all night, all night, all night.

via Rolling Stone

The holidays are over and famous actor types have taken off their bikinis and said goodbye to sunbathing their parts on a yacht in the Caribbean and put on a $10,000 borrowed designer gown to say hello to weeks of getting drunk on top shelf champagne while jacking off other famous actor types at award shows and film festivals. They all went back to “work” last night at the awards gala for the Palm Springs International Film Festival in wait for it… wait for it… Palm Springs, CA.

Reese Witherspoon won the Chairman’s Award for Wild, Julianne Moore and Eddie Redmayne won the Desert Achievement Award for Still Alice and The Theory of Everything, J.K. Simmons won the Spotlight Award for Whiplash, the cast of The Imitation Game won the Ensemble Cast Award and Rosamund Pike and David Oyelowo won the Breakthrough Performance Award for Gone Girl and Selma. And Bennyhill Custardsnatch and his fiancee of ten minutes Sophie Hunter walked away with the I See You Bitches Award.

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The red bandage dress that saved a chick’s life!

There was a time when it felt like every damn trick in Hollywood and beyond wore a bandage dress to everything and wobbled around like a mummy. Bandage dress addict Jennifer Love Hewitt probably slept in a  bandage nightgown for years and I’m sure her tampons were even made by Herve Leger. But little did we know, that the dress that made hos scream, “STOP THE BANDAGE DRESS MADNESS,” is actually a life saver. 21-year-old Zoe Turner of Wakefield in West Yorkshire, England tells highly-esteemed literary journal The Daily Mail that a bandage dress she bought for £35 kept the Grim Reaper from escorting her to the afterworld.

Last month, Zoe (seen above in the life-saving dress and giving you chola adele while lying in a hospital bed) and her friends got into a taxi after partying at her mom’s office Christmas party and during their ride home, a cement mixer crashed into them. Everybody in that taxi was left in a bad way. The taxi driver ‘s neck broke and her friends had broken bones and busted eye sockets. Zoe suffered a fractured pelvis and a busted sternum, but it could’ve been a whole lot worse. Zoe claims that doctors told her that her bandage dress acted like a corset and kept her bones from stabbing her vital organs. Zoe was wearing a seatbelt, but it’s the dress that kept her out of a coffin! The £35 “Mulan Bandage Bodycon Mini Dress” from some website called Missguided saved her life! (Note: They call it the “Mulan” dress, because the model is Asian and red is like the official color of Asians or something.)

The Daily Mail didn’t talk to any of Zoe’s doctors, but if she says her dress SAVED HER LIFE then it must have. I believe her, because people with angelic chola clown eyebrows do not lie or exaggerate to get into The Daily Mail. Zoe, who was in the hospital for 5 days, said this about the dress that should be knighted by THE QUEEN for being a hero:

“I couldn’t believe my dress saved my life. That’s the best £35 I’ve ever spent. Although I didn’t come off lightly, the end result could have been a lot worse. The doctors told me that if I hadn’t worn such a tight dress which held in place my bones as the car impacted, I would have most definitely punctured vital organs as my bones went out of place.”

So, if you want to practically live forever, wear a bandage dress and a bullet-stopping weave. I’m sure the New England Journal of Medicine will publish this fact very soon.

(For Hilary)